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Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
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Topic starter
 

I have just recently shared with my wife of 20+ years that I would like to take on a much more submissive role in our sexual relationship and conversely she a more dominant one. We had just gotten through several relationship counciling sessions and we were and are in a very good place in our relationship. 

It was very scary for me to go down this path, because I did not want to hurt or slow down the progress we were making. However, I recognized right away through all the self reflection in counciling that this is what I wanted and honestly what I need.

I really do not know where this will take us. I have mixed feelings about some of the activities associated woth femdom and FLR such as chastity, bondage, pegging and such.

Right now the ball is in her court so to speak. I expect us to have a long talk soon. We are limited in our adult time due to family. I expect her go be receptive. She is truly an amazing woman. But I am still scared to death.  I could really use some words of encouragement and advise from the members and such. Thanks!

 
Posted : 18/03/2022 12:57 pm
restrainedlove, subhubphx, restrainedlove and 3 people reacted
Subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Posts: 886
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Posted by: @tincup

I really do not know where this will take us. I have mixed feelings about some of the activities associated woth femdom and FLR such as chastity, bondage, pegging and such.

Welcome to the party tincup.  Loved your golf movie!

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Please don't make the mistake that thinking femdom or FLR/WLM means any or all of those things you mentioned.  Instead, it means and is defined by the things that she wants in her life to make her life enjoyable and even blissful.  In the beginning, when we were where you are now, I had to be certain and honest with myself that my whole "want" to do this literally about providing joy and pleasure in her life, sexually or otherwise.  Yes, we were overly influenced by the idea of what WLM meant that is promoted by porn.  We felt like we were doing it right, or even allowed to do it unless we did it in the fashion of what others said and in porn-fueled picture, videos and blogs.  

It helped both of us a great deal to quickly determine that we were going to do it our way, which meant that we would establish limits.  Hard limits (not going to happen) and soft limits (not necessarily a fan but willing to try.  It quickly became apparent that when determining what we (she) would decide would or would not happen had everything to do with those limits.  In other words, if it wasn't a limit for me, then she shouldn't (and ultimately) didn't need my consent or approval.  Clearly there were often times when limits would get discussed and changed as we developed our lifestyle.  That part is called a shit-ton of real, honest, deep communication, which I highly recommend.

 

 
Posted : 18/03/2022 1:14 pm
restrainedlove, TinCup, AllAboutHer and 9 people reacted
Mrs. J-K
(@mrs-j-k)
Posts: 35
Estimable Member
 

The counselling Has obviously helped.  Please, above all, keep talking to each other about exactly how you both feel.  Don't think of the ball as being in her court but at the same time don't beat the horse to death.  It is a difficult balancing act and if you are still seeing your counsellor, she/he could serve as a moderator and guide.  

It is actually a good thing that you want her to take control of the bedroom.  The bedroom is a very emotional place, especially for the woman.  Women are better at expressing their emotions and if she develops the confidence to lead, she can make the bedroom a wonderful place for both of you.  You have made the first step in giving her that confidence by telling her you that is what you want.  

Subhubphx is 100% right when he says that FLR does not mean you have to accept any or all of the popular femdom activities.  You choose what works for both of you.  This is you and your wife's life and not anyone else's.  Go slowly, talk openly and honestly often, and do not get discouraged if some things don't work at first.  

I am biased because I was in the business but I really believe that staying engaged with the counsellor at this time is a good idea.  You are looking at a different path but a good path and she/he can help you find and stay on that path. 

Best wishes and good luck.

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 5:26 am
restrainedlove, TinCup, restrainedlove and 3 people reacted
Mrs. J-K
(@mrs-j-k)
Posts: 35
Estimable Member
 

I was in a bit of a hurry this morning and may have been a bit short with my “advice.”  I would like to expand on a couple of points. 

First, when I say "don’t think of the ball as being in her court," I am saying that she may be a little overwhelmed.  She may have questions and need clarification on "the what you want" and "the why."  Encourage her to talk to you as she thinks about this new revelation.  Don’t beat her over the head with your answers or be demanding but try to compose your thoughts on why this is important to you.  Let her know that you aren’t sure exactly what you need or where it is going but you do need her to take control.

You mentioned it is scary.  Yes it is!  Anytime a relationship is changing it is scary.  You are partly frightened because indeed you don’t know exactly what you want or exactly where it all will lead.  More importantly though, I can see from your remarks you are more afraid of what it will do to your relationship than whether she will want to oblige you.  This is very good.  It means you are looking at an actual need in your life and not some selfish kink you want her to go along with. 

Needs are important and as you have already realized, this particular need began to surface during your counselling sessions. These sessions probably made you more aware of your wife’s needs and desires and made you start to focus more on the relationship and your role in it.  You began to realize that what you desired and needed most was to appreciate and honor and please your wife.  Slowly this morphed into the understanding that she should control your sex life so that it synched with her desires and needs rather than just providing you with orgasms. 

I am sure you will not be the first couple your therapist has dealt with that was thinking this way.  Therapists have seen it all at one time or another.  Engaging her/him in this new development is not going to make her/him see you as some kind of nut case.  On the contrary the therapist will probably see this as growth on your part in the relationship.  A good counsellor can definitely help you both express more clearly your feelings, wants and most of all needs.  The therapist probably won't tell you what to do so much as help you figure it out for yourselves.

Where it will eventually lead and what sort of "kinks" will become part of your life is an exciting mystery that the two of you will solve together.  It is fine if it stays vanilla and she just makes your bedroom a wonderful place to show your love for each other.  It is also fine if you find some unique ways like pegging, chastity, or any other kinks to make it spicier. You don't have to meet anyone's criteria except you and your wife's. Always keep communicating and let it go where the wind takes it. 

From what you wrote I believe you are on your way to even better relationship.  It is alright to be a little scared and it is alright to let your wife know you are a little scared.  She probably is too.

Good luck on your journey.

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 7:59 am
AllAboutHer, TinCup, AllAboutHer and 3 people reacted
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
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Topic starter
 

@mrs-j-k 

Thank you so much for your comments and advise Mrs-J-K!

The time and care you took respond is really heartwarming and frankly I am a bit emotional right now from your generosity.? ? 

My wife and I had a long talk last night followed by some great and loving sex.

I am happy to report that she and I are on the same page. We are set to start this journey without labels or need to fit things in a specific box. We both feel that our role reversal in our sexual intamcy will greatly benefit us in the bedroom as well as oitside of it.

We also see this as an opportunity for a bit of fun. I think we are both up for some kink to spice things up. My wife said that we are at our best when ee are on adventures (kids, travel, and such). I cannot lie that I am super excited about this. We are just going to make it fun and reset if things get weird or go too far. We have good trust in each other, so I am confident we can keep things under control. We have a fond way of being able to laigh at ourselves. I certainly have some ideas of things that turn me on and I am anxious to see what my wife wants to try. I hope that you will be around should I need some advise on that as we move forward. Thanks again Mrs-J-k! Sending you lots of love and gratitude!

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 11:30 am
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
Member
Topic starter
 

@subhubphx 

 

Thanks for the warnings and advise!  We're noobs, so we are going into this with open hearts and open minds. I hope I can count on your continued support. Cheers!

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 12:08 pm
Mrs. J-K
(@mrs-j-k)
Posts: 35
Estimable Member
 

You are quite welcome.  It sounds like you are on your way to a wonderful adventure.  Remember scary is okay as long as you both have the ability to say no when it isn't working for you.  Timid never won anything.  Keep talking, always be frank and honest with each other and I am sure you will keep enjoying.  

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 2:08 pm
TinCup, TinCup and TinCup reacted
Sarah
(@sarah)
Posts: 73
Estimable Member
 

Oh I am sorry, I didnt see this post before. Well I would love to reply to it, but I guess it could use a guys opinion. Will see if my bf can you give you his opinion.

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 2:25 pm
TinCup, TinCup and TinCup reacted
Rayanandsarah
(@rayanandsarah)
Posts: 16
Trusted Member
 

Tincup, hey bro. I will do my best here to give you my perspective on this. My gf and I arent in a female lead relationship, we are more of equal power relationship, both in and out of the bed unlike how it was at first which was male lead relationship. In replying to what you said here

Posted by: @tincup

I really do not know where this will take us. I have mixed feelings about some of the activities associated woth femdom and FLR such as chastity, bondage, pegging and such

Personally, I think the biggest advice I can give you is to take it slow man and learn to not want, but need and desire your woman being in leading role. For Sarah and I, the chastity did nothing for us and was a complete turn off. I felt denied instead of enjoying her in power. If I would recommend anything try things first that involves bondage. Like for example when its time to have sex, let her have you tied up and let her set the entire pace of the sex, maybe squeeze your face on her pussy and make you eat her and stuff like that. Also you have to start slowly in this one but the golden sexual thing to try is pegging. Like we tried femdom a lot at first but I didnt appreciate and admire seeing her in charge until I was face down, ass up, my hands tied behind my back with face pushed down in the pillow with her dildo up my ass. Like many would disagree but for me as a man, pegging is the peak of women dominance and power in bed and I think you should at least give it a try man. But in general, you 2 should take it slow, take your time, learn to enjoy that power shift in your bedroom and dont ever feel ashamed of it. Its your life man and its already different times and modern times, women being in charge is no strange or rare thing. Wish you both all the best man.

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 3:14 pm
TinCup, TinCup and TinCup reacted
Allabouther
(@allabouther)
Posts: 198
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@TinCup I am right there with you. My girlfriend and I have been feeling our way into an flr, too.  Ours is emerging in our personal lives and increasingly more than just in the bedroom.  From my vantage point, maybe a few months ahead of you, the advice offered here today is right on target.

I tend to run on, so I will try my best to encapsulate a few thoughts I think might be helpful.

Remember it is about your relationship and love, not about sex.  Use your sexual adventures and ideas to build intimacy.

Explore what is important about this for you and share it with your wife.  Communicate as clearly and concisely as you can.

There is a lot of masturbatory femdom fantasy material out there.  Let's face it.  Most of it is pretty shallow and designed to do nothing more than get a guy's rocks off.  I think the market for this is generally driven by men who need increasingly extreme examples of female control to titillate them.  There are exceptions to every rule, but women tend to be nurturing and thrive on true intimacy.  It sounds to me like your wife is more into intimacy and a loving relationship than abuse and humiliation.  She may be interested in exploring some kinky things together with you to increase bonding, and good for you if she does.  But, let her progress at her own comfort level.  

You said you want to submit to her control.  Resist, as best you can, the urge to top from the bottom.  You run the risk of being seen as manipulative and insincere.  Do your best to keep your actions in line with what you are communicating.

Finally, as you explore the submissive role, keep checking in with yourself, "Is this constructive, or destructive?"  Allowing her to lead you in a loving relationship is not the same thing as subjecting yourself to an abusive one.  This is not intended to impugn your wife.  It isn't about her at all.  It is about your motivations.  Are you healthy and looking for ways to express your love and improve the closeness of your relationship?  Or, have you been damaged?  Are you comfortable in your own skin or do you lack self-esteem?  I could not agree with Mrs. J-K more about you continuing with your counseling as you try to explore new territory together.  But, do you have some things you need to work on by yourself?  Could you benefit from some counseling on your own?  It will be harder to build strength as a couple if you are not working on being as healthy as you can as an individual.

Good luck, and report back on how it is going.

 

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 4:43 pm
TinCup, Sam, TinCup and 3 people reacted
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
Member
Topic starter
 

@allabouther 

Thank you so much for your response and for your advise & words of encouragement.

I agree with the top to botton conundrum. I have definitely initiated the path we are on, so I agree that I need to be careful. Being mindful may allow us to avoid taking steps backward.

I also agree with the whole masterbation femdom fantasy trap. That is really not what we are looking for. We want some kinky fun for sure, but this is about exploration and broadening our horizons to make us better individually and as loving partners.

I hope that we can stay connected. I am REALLY glad I found this sight and bravely signed up. I've already gotten more out of this than I ever imagined. I will try to share as much of our journey as possible. I hope to hear from you again. Cheers!

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 6:07 pm
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
Member
Topic starter
 

@sarah 

Thank you for taking the time to read. I am always curious to hear the female perspective. I hope that you will choose to share in the future. I really want to have success and the more in put I get from the dominant female partner, the more I can better understand what my wife is going through. I would love to hear more. Cheers Sarah!

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 6:13 pm
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
Member
Topic starter
 

@rayanandsarah 

Thanks Ryan! That was very helpful! Even though I am open to adventures, I'm a bit old school. When I was in High School, if you admitted that yoh masterbated you would be marked for life and kicked out of the lockeroom. So, it's been quite a personal evolution of thought for me.

I'm glad you brought up pegging. I am very intersted in trying this. I think my wife is game, but I will need to take it slow. The way you describe feeling Sarah's dominance and power while she has you under control sounds amazing. My wife struggles with her confidence and I would like to think that would be a beautiful gift to her. I would love to hear how Sarah feels.

Have you tried anything else that you have liked? I would love to hear your thoughts. Cheers Ryan!

 
Posted : 19/03/2022 6:30 pm
Sarah
(@sarah)
Posts: 73
Estimable Member
 

@tincup I think what goes on in every woman's mind is different from another and depends entirely on how she is taking the lead in the relationship. Rayan and I are in a relationship where we are both equals at everything in our lives, both in and out of bed. We both are switch in bed, most of the time she takes charge but when I do, I always peg him. I mentioned that to reply to what you said in the following part, and I am sorry if you wanted a reply from Rayan on it, but I think that as a woman I can give you a better perspective on the issue.

 

Posted by: @tincup

'm glad you brought up pegging. I am very intersted in trying this. I think my wife is game, but I will need to take it slow. The way you describe feeling Sarah's dominance and power while she has you under control sounds amazing. My wife struggles with her confidence and I would like to think that would be a beautiful gift to her. I would love to hear how Sarah feels.

 

Pegging as a sexual thing is such a switch and change in how sex is done between couples and totally flips the table on the man. The woman suddenly finds herself in a very powerful and dominating position (regardless if the pegging will be romantic or a rough one). So its important to talk it through before you do, constantly compliment her and boost her self confidence as a woman by constantly telling her how powerful she looks with a strapon dildo around her waist, dont apply too much pressure on her, instead tell her how glad you are that the one that will fuck you in the butt is her. Also, most women have a thing or 2 that they do that gives them a confidence booster, for example, I like to wear heels, I enjoy how tall, strong and attractive I feel. Ask her what makes her feel that way and then ask her to do it while pegging you. Finally, a woman who is gonna peg her man, is a woman in charge and likes to feel that way. Like to feel in control, likes to feel in charge so make her feel that way. I think one of the best ways that most guys underestimate is that dont ask her to peg you, just show her. It would be such a turn on from my perspective if I walked into my bedroom and found my man having himself bent over, hands maybe cuffed behind my back and wanting me to fuck him. Also I know it isnt my place to reply to the next part because you asked him that but I hope it doesnt offend you or him that I do reply

Posted by: @tincup

Have you tried anything else that you have liked? I would love to hear your thoughts. Cheers Ryan!

 

 

I dont know if he tried anything femdom with any of his ex gfs, and frankly I dont care, he is my bf now, but will tell you few things we tried, I dont know if they count as things other than pegging.  We tried that I tie him up to the 4 sides of the bed and have him eat me until I came on his face, I enjoyed that a lot. We tried me fingering him until I milked his prostate, he had one of the most intense orgasms I had ever seen him cum. I also put him on his knees and made him suck my dildo few times, and in 2 of them I caught him by surprise when I was using a strapon dildo that can put inside of it a cum like thing thats white and thick as cum and I would have his hands cuffed behind his back and suddenly have the dildo cum on his face and have that cum like thing splashed all over his face. I had a good laugh on the last one, I thought he looked hilarious. So in short, these are some ideas, you and your girl can try, but take your time, talk it through and dont take yourself too seriously, just have fun.

 
Posted : 28/03/2022 6:34 am
TinCup, TinCup and TinCup reacted
Tincup
(@tincup)
Posts: 117
Member
Topic starter
 

@sarah Thank you so much!

This is the perspective that I was looking for in both questions. I think I am more anxious than ever to get pegged. I really want my Goddess to feel that power and deliver it to me.

I am a little concerned, because Goddess is not that crazy about toys. She has never owned a dildo or vibrator. We did talk about the possibility of pegging and I expressed my inyerest to her. I think this will happen, but will need to support her through it.

I really love the idea of presenting myself to her. Did your man do anything ahead of time to get you in the mood or to prepare you? Or did you just seize the moment and fuck him?

Do you do any play where he must eat you after he cums inside you? What about masterbation? Is he on cleanup duty?  I'm very intersted in exploring this, but may need some encouragement and support from Goddess.

I will continue to share pur journey. I hope for your continued support and advice.

Cheers!

 

 
Posted : 28/03/2022 5:44 pm

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