New fantasies but nervous and questioning

Welcome!

     I don't have any experience with this. It seems like you are a little nervous/uncomfortable with this, and I want to ask some rhetorical questions to help you explore your consent to the situation. 

     First, realize fantasies are not something that you will necessarily enjoy in real life.  

     Second, recognize this is your choice and you get to choose what you want to do. Your husband has a sexual fantasy for you to do something. Are you comfortable with this? Is it something you want? Keep talking and explore. Explore the emotions a little more: why is it important to him, what does he expect to feel when you do this, where would this be done (hotel / bedroom)? Maybe it is possible for him to achieve what he wants in a way that allows you to be more comfortable with the situation.

     Maybe you explore leaving him helpless (restrained) while you pleasure yourself. Maybe you explore male chastity. Maybe you explore some FLR. What do you want? How can you work what you want into baby steps of exploring this fantasy?

Now for some recommended reading:

Be your husband’s ultimate fantasy!

Three ways to tell if he can handle his cuckold fantasy

Non-monogamy for fun and profit!

Top 10 Reasons Cuckolding Can Be Unhealthy

Good luck!!!

In my humble opinion, a married person in a committed relationship does not have sex with a third person because her husband finds the idea a turn on.  

Maybe she considers it if they are rock solid, if she can separate sexual activity from love and intimacy, if the purpose of the activity is to enhance or deepen the relationship with the spouse, if she is actually turned on by the idea of getting some “strange” without strings attached, if she sincerely feels there will not be strings attached and won’t feel guilty, if she is 100% confident in the love and commitment of her husband, and if the husband seems really mentally healthy and balanced and is so much so in love he is looking for ways to push and therefore deepen the relationship.

if you she doesn’t feel all these things, but she loves her husband and wants to feed his fantasies, she could consider playing with the idea, talking about it, teasing about it.  Separate the healthy fantasy that can be indulged from the dangerous actual personal conduct involving the third party.  

If you could play/pretend that you are a dirty nurse who demands his sexual service without his consent (in the play), then why not tell him you wish he was a big black man taking you and splitting you open with his huge cock?

In any case, start with the play.  If it doesn’t feel good alone, in private, with just the two of you pretending, it’s not going to feel good for real.  If it does, starting exploring how you feel about the other questions as raised.

I get he has fantasies, and I get you love him, but if he loves you he has to respect your limits.

My girlfriend is in total control of our personal/sexual relationship and we have literally agreed that she owns all of my orgasms, but there are some fantasies I have broached that are immediate and hard “no’s” for her.  I invest my energy in living out other fantasies that we share.

it has to be sane, safe, and consensual.  Feel free to send me a private message if you’d like to share concerns and ideas confidentially (I am a lawyer after all!)

Hi @Renata and welcome to the site. I agree with all of the advice from the people above. To echo their comments, I wouldn't do anything that you aren't comfortable with. There must be other ways to scratch his itch.

His fantasy comes from one of two places. 1 is a desire to control your sexuality and 2 is a place of compersion. I highly recommend this video which was posted just a few days ago by @phx

If the fantasy is coming from a place of control, I would try and squash this one as soon as possible. If he is trying to set you up with another guy and "give you" to the other guy, it should be a red flag. If he is pushing you to select a man on your own and proceed at your own pace then it might be ok. BUT only if this is something that you also desire.

We are told that sex outside marriage is forbidden and that it will jeopardize your relationship but it can make your relationship stronger as well. Some men are starting to see that female sexuality is much more complex than we've been led to believe. Women need a strong emotional partner but we also need lust and passion in our lives. We (myself included) bring our long term partners into the friend zone over time and this is builds a fabulous partnership at the cost of passion. This is something you can fight by jumping from relationship to relationship or you can accept and consider a fantasy like your husband suggested.

This is; after all a decision that you must make. It mustn't be a decision that you take quickly. Experiment with orgasm denial, play with a toy while your husband watches. If I was in your shoes I would want to have a crystal clear understanding on where his motivation comes from.

The infinitely important question to ask:

• Who has the control in your fantasy, me or you?
• If he wants the control, hard pass!
• If he wants you to have control, take some time to consider a broader interpretation of marriage and relationships.

Consider the orgasm gap that exists in most cisgender relationships. What do you think about when you masturbate? Whatever that is; could safely add that thing your relationship?

Most of all, welcome to the site. Your husband's fantasy isn't uncommon and certainly isn't wrong. Keep the conversation open and hopefully we can add some clarity.

Hello @emma @allabouther @restrainedlove

We talked about it and I am without a reasonable doubt certain that he is doing it for me. I even accused him of trying to control me and he was very hurt and felt misunderstood almost crying in the conversation. I feel in my heart that he wants me to be satisfied sexually and feels like the level of sexual satisfaction he sees in me now is not what he saw when we first started dating and got married even. I would regularly cum from sex when we first started dating and now I cannot, I don't desire sex with the same feverish urgency like I did at the beginning either. As I get older I can not say that sex is as vitally important as it was in the beginning. Nature's way of a bait and switch? I know he wants to see me sexually satisfied and the truth is I do look at other guys and wonder what it would be like but I push myself away from that notion. When I masturbate I think about the pleasure and I don't really think about men or penetration or have fantasies running through my head. For me masturbation is mechanical not emotional or even really erotic. Got to get off to scratch that itch so I can get on with my life! I admit when I watch porn it is usually gay men. I like how they are masculine but sensual, the men are also more pretty and not so brutish like the men I usually see in straight porn.  

Even if I ever did act on some of the fantasies he mentioned I live in a US state where there are now questions surrounding abortion so if something were to happen, safe sex is a must and to be honest I hate condoms so another strike there. He flat out said that when I was more sexually active, we had more fun and I had a more playful personality. I think I may be in a sexual rut with him and it pains me to say but I might be sexually bored right now but I do feel comfortable that he is a good man. His desire comes from him wanting to see me get my groove back. The video link you added did not come through. Can you send it again?

This site has so many down to earth blogs and I find myself reading and re reading so many of them. I do not like the FLR101 blogs but the older blogs are really interesting and relatable to my life. I find the blogs about pegging interesting and even fascinating. Even if it isn't a turn on, I wonder if it might be fun and let me see a sexual side of my husband that I've never seen before. He would love more sexuality and I would love more intimacy so it could be a FIRST step between us before we talk about anything more extreme like we are discussing here!

Hello Rennata,

Your question, "Is it something you can come back from if it isn't what we hoped?".

Yes, no, maybe, depends.

I'll share with you a mile high view of what my wife and I did. Might or might not resonate for you. Might or might not give you some food for though and add to the great comments above.

My wife and I where both on our second marriages and had both dated a bunch of people prior. We had both experienced dwindling sex drives and things that can happen in long term relationships. We both valued and wanted a long term relationship so devised a plan to figure out how we could make our relationship not fall into the common problems long term relations fall into.

The plan was simple. We would imagine / research and try literally everything mentally and physically we could think of and see what worked while keeping the fundamental health of our relationship as our north star. 

Most of what we tried failed for any number of reasons including sleeping with other people, both short term and longer term, but because the health of our relationship was always the goal, we always recovered, discussed, applied what we learned, and jumped of the next cliff together.

I will say for us there where no sacred cows. Some of the things we tried where really very funny. Some where very gross. Some where incredibly embarrassing. Some things we where sure wouldn't work but we tried them anyways. Some things where very painful both mentally and physically. Some times we would have to try the same thing again but from different angles applying what we learned last time around. Some of it wasn't easy, some of it took perseverance and hard work, but the goal was always to find what worked and we did. It took a couple years but we did it and it resulted in a really dynamic, fun, and surprising relationship for many years.

You only live once. I recommend living it, not surviving it.

Hello Renata,

When I read your posts I couldn’t help but think about another woman who visited this site a few months ago looking for answers or help.  She, too, loved her husband and she knew he loved her.  Both of them acknowledged that sex was not like it used to be.  She was very surprised when, seemingly out of nowhere, he began encouraging her to take a lover.  Her reaction was similar to your.  She seemed to have many of the same very serious questions but felt compelled to consider what her husband was asking because she loved him and valued the relationship.

I offered the theory, that I have copied below, for her consideration.  Of course, no one, even a licensed professional, would go so far as to say they know what is going on and that they have figured out what is going on inside a man’s mind based on a few paragraphs of information provided by a third party.  I offer it to you simply to reveal a different perspective and to suggest some things for you to consider and discuss with your husband.

you are off to a good start because you have not shut down and retreated.  You have sought communication and are open to considering things that challenge your mindset.  Those are healthy.  Keep up the good work!  And do let us know how you progress if you feel comfortable doing so.

—>

I am not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV, but I have an educated guess as to what may be happening between you and your husband.  Try this on for size and see if it fits.  Whether it does, or it doesn't, I think a marriage counselor could really help.  

You used to happily engage in sexual activity with a greater frequency.  You wanted to please your husband who had a higher sex drive than you, and it was easier to do because you were young and in love.  Now, as you have aged, your sex drive is waning and because your lives together are more routine it is harder to find the energy to maintain a higher sexual frequency than you naturally need just to satisfy his higher sex drive.

From your husband's perspective, even when sex was more frequent, he would have been happy with more.  He thinks the old frequency, which was acceptable to him, is the "normal" frequency for you.  He is just as horny as ever and his sex drive is not waning at all.  He can't help but notice that your frequency has dropped and you, by objective standards, are less interested in sex with him.

He loves you sincerely and he wants you to be happy in all aspects of your life with him.  He knows he would be happier with more sex and simply concludes that you would like more sex too.  He is desperately trying to find a solution to the following problems:

1) How can he get more sexual intimacy?  He has no desire to seek sexual release from anyone other than the woman he loves.

2) How can he make sure you get what you want and stay satisfied in your relationship with him?

Answer:  He has recognized that the problem must be his inadequacy.  If he were more adequate, you would obviously still have sex as frequently and as enthusiastically as you did when you were first married.  If you would just tell him about your unsatisfied needs and his inadequacies, he would have confirmation that you still like sex and feel you can have a relationship with him at some level.  Such conversations would be a kind of intimacy with you that he is not feeling now.  Telling you that you can take on another lover would provide you the sexual pleasure he thinks you are missing.  It would show you that he truly loves you and is capable of compersion.  It will assure you that he would never stray.  And just MAYBE you will realize that he is worthy of your love and this might rekindle your sexual desire for him.  If nothing else, because he does love you, at least he would get the pleasure of knowing you are being pleased and you would still have an intimate relationship with him.

I'd guess that your husband doesn't really want to think of himself as inadequate.  But he is so desperate for increased intimacy with you that he will accept it in the form of you sexually humiliating him and by taking on other lovers.  I bet he doesn't want to go to this place.  It is just that in his mind it is the only way he can reconcile his need for more sexual intimacy with his perception that you want and need more sexual intimacy yourself and still be consistent with his rock-solid commitments to be faithful to you and do whatever he can to make you happy. 

Marriage is a commitment that includes being there for one another.  If the guess I have offered here rings true, and you are both committed to being the best possible partners you can be for each other, I think a marriage counselor will be able to help him see that the physical changes that are happening to you are not in any way due to some inadequacy on his part.  The counselor may also be able to help you understand that the physical changes that are happening to you, while natural and normal for you, are not necessarily happening to him and that your husband's desire for more intimacy is natural and a reflection of his love and desire for you.  The counselor should be able to help you communicate more openly and honestly so that you understand each other better and become less likely to hurt each other's feelings.  Once you are committed to hearing and responding to each other's needs, because you both truly love one another, I bet you find a way to satisfy all your needs and challenges. 

If my guess is wrong, I hope I didn't offend anybody.  I am just trying to offer a possible answer to your question.  You two are the only ones who can figure out the real answer.

You sat you still masturbate,  so the urge is still there. I agree a counselor might help, but there some things you can both do. People get lazy, sex becomes routine, & if the woman is bored she will loose interest. 

Try a few things. First sit down & tell him you've heard him, but you're not ready or interested in a 3rd situation right now.   Make a promise to each other to stop masturbating alone, You're robbing each other of shared time.

Schedule a date night at least twice a month, tell your husband he's in charge of the night, the better he does at treating your like a first date, and better he us at being a gentleman the higher his odds are of getting lucky.  His sole goal is to arouse those old feelings you had when you first dated. 

When you get home if he's done well, tell him to light some candles in the living room while you go take off your shoes & jewelry.  Come back sit in the couch & tell him you want to make our, and  the better he does at kissing your lips, neck & ears the better his odds get. His hands can roam, but are not allowed inside your clothes.  Your only duty is to enjoy the attention and tell him you liked what ever he just did. 

When your ready tell him to wait 10 minutes & meet you in the bedroom where he will give you a full body massage front & back. He's not allowed to dwindle on any fun part's.   Once he's done massaging you, tell him he now has to use his lips & mouth to pleasure you from waist up only.  If he's successful then you decide what happens next. Don't forget thru the whole process to verbally acknowledge what you like. He's lost the art of forplay, and the art of putting you on a pedestal before his needs.

If you want to dable in his fantasy of being with another man, do the same process, only after a massage blind fold him, or lock him out of bedroom naked, and get your favorite vibratory and make a lot of noise until your satisfied.  When your done let him back in, or take blindfold off.  Give him a kiss, & say that could have been you. Good night.  He will think twice next time especially if he's in chastity or has promised not to masturbate.  

All of this is so new and gives me things to learn. I read the blogs that restrainedlove gave and there is so much to read and you are all so helpful here. We talked about this again and I told him that I'm researching about the kinks but like someone said I am careful not to shame him. I know he came to me and I dont want him to feel ashamed to do that. I was always considered flirty but we got married and I tried hard to shut that side of me down because I did not want to give the wrong impression. Turning that back on gives me feelings of guilt and feels wrong. I do enjoy being flirtatious and I know that is what my husband wants. It just feels wrong because I feel like when you get married you need to shut that side off.

Last night we masturbated together and watched some of the pornhub movies that weve gotten off to before. His are usually about a guy who is small down there and he finds a bigger dick guy to fuck his wife and he watches and jacks off. Mine were handsome sensual gay men, lots of kissing and making out. He acted grossed out at first but warmed up to it when he saw how much I enjoyed it. If he can find lesbian porn attractive then I can find gay porn hot. Such a double standard.

I still think this is about my enjoyment and him not feeling like he is giving me what I need to be sexually happy in our marriage. I admitted that I'm not sexually happy but I also don't feel like sex is the highest thing on the list Many other things are more important than sex to me but I know sex is near the top of his list so we just have to get on the same page or even in the same book. I'm not going to sleep with someone else because I don't think that is what he really wants. I think what he really wants is to feel important to me and he found the porn answer. We may go that way eventually because I am warming up to the idea but I am really curious about pegging. I love the sounds men make and I want to make love to him that way and see if that makes his sensitive side show like one of emmas blogs said. More updates coming soon as we evolve! lol.

I think you are doing the right thing.  Good luck!