New Here, but not New to the Concepts
I first found this blog maybe a year or so ago when I was searching for FLR101's blog (which no longer exists).
My story is this. For most of my adult life, I've been a porn and masturbation addict. I met my wife 11 years ago and we married 8 years ago. I finally came clean about my addiction to her 2 years into our marriage. As an aside, 12-step programs, NoFap, and even expensive therapies all helped but nothing "cures" sex addiction until you find the root cause.
Anyway, during this time, I discovered the concept of FLR and it intrigued me. At the time, I was focused on the sexual aspect and how I could get all my kinks out. My wife discovered my interest in FLR and was turned off to the whole thing because I was wrongly focused on the kinky stuff. For me especially, chastity was a big bell-ringer. As an addict, having a physical barrier to my penis is probably the only thing to get me to go completely clean--and that's something my wife doesn't understand. Anyway, I've explored FLR extensively and I believe it would be right for my marriage. And I say that in a sober mind, without expectation of any kink play. Why do I think it would be best for my marriage? My wife is an obvious dominant personality but who represses it sexually (except when she's had enough wine and uninhibited, then she becomes a pure sexual dominant woman). But in other areas of her life, she's a powerful woman in her profession, she's confident, self-driven, knows what she wants, and is otherwise the ideal woman to lead a marriage. In some ways, our marriage is an FLR just without the formal recognition of her leadership. She manages the finances, she makes major decisions (with input from me), she more or less leads me in most things. Again, she's a natural dominant.
As I said, she discovered FLR through my distorted view of it. She's very much opposed to anything she views as kinky, and she very much opposes anything that she construes as BDSM. Her backstory is that she was once in a relationship (with a married man) where she was a submissive partner and he was very much a sadist who took her to some extreme places. She calls this "the darkness" and never wants to return to it. I respect that. I absolutely respect that. I'm only hoping I can show her that FLR and darkness are not the same thing. So, that's why I'm here--hopefully to learn as much about FLR as possible, and hopefully to learn how to reintroduce her to FLR in a way that she would be welcoming to it.
Sorry for the long post, but I just thought I'd introduce myself.
Not an expert but here is my advice.
Dont tell her what flr is suppose to be like and dont try to trick her.
Show her, treat her with love, respect and make her happy in every aspect of your life.
Take care of her and again show her how mush you love her and WANT to make her happy without pushing her.
You should press your self and your bouneries not hers. ?
Make it your flr, not others ?
Hope this made sense.
@j-m Yes, that does make sense, thank you. What you said is sort of my approach right now. It took me some time and growth to realize what FLR truly is. I was being selfish thinking FLR would indulge my kinks and fetishes. Basically, where I'm at now, is that I want to submit, totally and fully, to her. For a long time, I associated FLR purely with my dick, as in, how was I going to get off by using FLR to explore my kinks. I had to grow and mature in order to realize that FLR isn't about that. I think I simply wasn't ready for a true FLR before but I definitely feel ready now. I'm ready to surrender myself to her. And kinks or no kinks, that's what I want, and that's what I think is best for our marriage.
Hi, and welcome.
My comment here is that there should be something it for her. I have huge empathy for you because when I started out my wife was unhappy taking control of our sex life and my domestic life.
My own solution was to act as though she was in strict control, giving myself jobs and chores and becoming, by degrees, submissive in bed. Apart from my wife discovering she did actually like a dominant role, I found I was far better at ironing.
@stevesub Thank you for the comment. I'm on that same path. I've submitted. I try to do as many of the chores as I can. She's naturally dominant in life already, so submitting to her in other areas is no issue.
Funny thing. Our dishwasher broke yesterday. I sent my wife a text saying: "good news! I figured out your Christmas present: a new dishwasher!" A few seconds later I sent another text: "Good news, the new dishwasher is me!"
She laughed. And true to my word, I cleaned every dish from a very full dishwasher.
Basically, my plan is to win her over by touching her heart and soul. Show her that I can be this support spouse for her so that when the topic does come up, she'll be all for it.
@mcc081 I think this is a great plan. There is a book called the five love languages, figure out her primary and secondary love languages and do at least one or two things to speak directly to that love language every day. Don't go down the kink road if she isn't comfortable with it. Sites like this will give you ideas that you might be able to translate into vanilla terms and integrate into your dynamic. As @j-m said, this is your relationship and none of us can speak to what will work for you and your lovely wife.
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j Thank you. Fortunately for me, my wife's primary love language is acts of service. She's the ideal woman to lead in an FLR, she just needs me to show her true submission for her to realize it.
And thank you for this wonderful site you maintain.