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New(ish) and Exploring Sexuality

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Restrainedlove
(@restrainedlove)
Posts: 182
Reputable Member
Topic starter
 

Please be nice. I feel insecure and am trying to learn how to put myself out there.

     I grew up very conservative Christian having learned all the indoctrination of sexual purity (no sex before marriage, one woman/man marriage, no masturbating, no pornography (I’m still trying hard to normalize the images and advertisements on this site), a dress code, keeping pure thoughts, etc), patriarchy (I consider myself liberal here with a high regard for women and equality, but I can recognize there are things in my subconscious that need to be discovered still), no drinking or drugs, and following church leadership. I was a good kid (not perfect, but that is what repentance and learning are for) who followed church doctrine.

      At a young age, I was interested in Houdini. My friends and I would play “tie each other to the tree.” We were young enough to not be good at that game and would usually wiggle out in a few minutes (tops). As I got older, I was curious about bondage (although I wouldn’t learn what it was called until my mid/late 20s.) I wasn’t really able to explore it because I was adverse to pornographic images.

     After marriage my wife (same religion) let me try a thing or two on her, but I didn’t have any experience and felt uncomfortable researching online (some Wikipedia articles was my extent). I didn’t know how to make it fun. Heck, I barely knew anything about sex. I’ve only recently really started any research on what a citreous is (yes, my poor wife.) I was lucky to have a college professor (church school) mention that using fingers was very likely necessary for women to have orgasm. The first few years were frustrating trying to get her to orgasm and not having any skills or communication tools for hot to get there (that is my experience I’m sure she was rubbed raw and very frustrated.)

     Now we have three young kids and are finally starting to experiment a little more (we even went to an adult store and bought something – huge step). After my wife started showing superior knowledge (thank you women’s magazines) to me and was frustrated by my continued inadequate knowledge, I finally started to do some research. I requested some books from the library and started to dabble around online. It was uncomfortable because sex still seemed a taboo topic and there were “questionable” other things online when looking up sex. I’ve since loosened up and think of it as a relationship skill.

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     Eventually, I thought I’d approach her on my fantasy/kink again. My thinking was that maybe I should offer myself to be the person tied (didn’t know the term sub yet). As I looked into bondage some, I eventually came across male chastity on a drop down of some website. Advertised as something to prevent erections, I thought it could be a sex toy to help prolong foreplay and help her feel safe when experimenting.

     After a little research, I showed her the LockTheCock website. I still knew very little at this point. We both laughed our way through the descriptions of the devices. I’m sure she thought it was insane but gave me an “OK, it is not that expensive if you want to try it out.” I felt self-conscience like never before. I dithered like crazy with measurements (I don’t know how many times I remeasured) and finally got around to ordering two cages.

     After ordering, I did some more research and started to learn about FLRs and control with Brassiered and some articles around the web and on Medium. I seriously started to question my sanity and even didn’t mention the cages arriving to my wife for a few days until I had worked up the courage again. Then again, I realized that I don’t masturbate and I take my responsibility of a marital partner seriously. My wife is wonderful and kind. She is a super people pleaser. Although there are always changes with change to power dynamics, I decided to go ahead.

     When I finally mentioned it to my wife, she said she was not ready to do it. She said I could explore my sexuality if I wanted. I tried it out for a few mornings at work (from home). It is hard, present, and I’m very aware of it between my legs while sitting. There just isn’t the same thrill of giving someone the key. I’d also like to explore sexuality together, rather than by myself (probably religious training that sex is OK in marriage, but by one’s self it is bad masturbating). I mentioned it one more time (no again) and then said they’d be on a shelf when she was ready.

     Like most men, I could be better at talking out my feelings. From Emma’s (@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j) website, I feel open to pegging. The trick is approaching the subject with my wife in the right way.

     Since that time, I’ve been reading up and have learned a lot. I not exactly sure why I do, because she would be the one with the key (topping from the bottom isn’t how it is done). So we’ll see where my journey goes. In the meantime, I appreciate being part of this group and researching into the topics presented. It has been really eye-opening for me. I feel so much more open and wish I could better talk to my friends (almost all religious like me) about sexuality as well.

PS – Thank you for your recent stories about your experiences (@allabouther @subhubphx @kristine @spud @brittany)

 
Posted : 16/02/2022 1:20 pm
Jafo987, LocknKey, Sam and 9 people reacted
Evolvingyourman
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman)
Posts: 1041
Famed Member Admin
 
Posted by: @restrainedlove

     Like most men, I could be better at talking out my feelings. From Emma’s (@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j) website, I feel open to pegging. The trick is approaching the subject with my wife in the right way.

Thank you for sharing and being willing to accept ideas that are outside of our societal norm. I think the same open and honest communication with your wife is a great way to share the same emotional intimacy with her. Before all of this, if a guy told me that he wanted me to peg him, my initial reaction would have been a turn off. Now that I know and understand the place of intimacy and vulnerability that it comes from, I'd be flattered. My opinion is that she needs to understand the intimacy of what you are offering before you propose it.

 
Posted : 16/02/2022 9:39 pm
Jd3064169
(@jd3064169)
Posts: 55
Estimable Member
 

By the sounds of it, you guys are a ways from pegging. And even using the cage.  I would start a conversation with your wife & tell her you really want to learn how to please her not only with your fingers, but orally also.  Plan a few nights where she can show you how she pleases herself & take mental notes,  then the next night you try with her direction,  then move on to oral, with her directions.  Make those nights totally about her & not worry about your orgasms.   Maybe throw in some massages too. 

Once you have pleasing her down & her being ok with not reciprocating, then talk about adding the cage just on those nights, Once your both ok with that part you can talk about wearing it longer. But be very clear on what your expectations from her ate, and what hers are from you.  Then you can look into pegging,  and at least trying it once. 

 
Posted : 17/02/2022 11:51 am
Restrainedlove
(@restrainedlove)
Posts: 182
Reputable Member
Topic starter
 
Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Before all of this, if a guy told me that he wanted me to peg him, my initial reaction would have been a turn off. Now that I know and understand the place of intimacy and vulnerability that it comes from, I'd be flattered. My opinion is that she needs to understand the intimacy of what you are offering before you propose it.

Yes, frankly I feel crazy considering some of this stuff at times. But then I realize I'm not getting any younger and am curious what I would enjoy if I didn't have so many restrictions on myself.

The conversations are slow (breaking down old ways of thinking is hard to do). I'm nervous of scaring her away from trying (even though I can see she is opening up to things). I want to try SO many things that I have recently learned about, but realize it is a process. I do see this as a way of increase intimacy but explaining how can be hard. 

With chastity, I read about how to broach the subject on several sites and had something written out. These things take time and I'm trying not to press it too much. Pegging will be interesting whenever we get to that conversation. 

Posted by: @jd3064169

By the sounds of it, you guys are a ways from pegging.  

This is probably true. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how I can reduce stress in her life to help her feel more in the mood. With young kids that can be a challenge. Just trying to be patient right now (good things come in time).

 
Posted : 17/02/2022 2:35 pm

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