Sex Hurts

I am sure you are not alone and others would benefit from your story. Would you be willing to do a Q&A about this?

Sure I can answer some questions for you.

The first thing I did was go to the doctor who ran some tests and ultimately did an ultrasound to confirm his assumption of Endometriosis. Penetration itself is fine but as he pushes further in, the stretching feels like tearing and even sharp pains deeper in my abdomen.

Generally not pleasurable sensations and for a time I continued to have sex and tried to mask it with large amounts of lube so he would slide in and out without too much stretching. Sex was an expectation for me in a marriage but it was making me resentful toward him in our day to day life. I knew that he needed sex but I was resentful when it came time to do it. I felt like he didn't care about me and not treating me with respect. While he never said that he didn't care about my experience, I distanced myself from sex and made it about fulfilling what I felt was a sexual obligation to him.

This of course only compounded the issue because it made me disconnect emotionally from sex. I would initiate sex on a regular weekly schedule which seemed like the minimum amount that I needed to do without hearing about it from him. As I am saying this, it sounds like he is a bad guy but he really isn't. Most of this was internalized by me and I admit that I didn't communicate just how bad things were becoming. I love him dearly but sex was turning our marriage into a friendship with a painful weekly obligation and expectation from me.

This certainly sounds like a challenge that others may benefit from. I will email some questions to you at the hotmail address that you used for the site registration. 

@eve

I may suggest reading through the Yoni Massage blog Emma posted or do separate research into it. Even if you does not help with your problem directly it will add  intimacy back in a meaningful way.  There are few times I felt closer to my wife than when I massage her in that way. 

Hope that helps on some level. 

Welcome Ms. @eve . We also have a medical reason and have been abstaining for 9+ months now. We are living the best of times, our connection stronger than ever.  I don't wear a cage but still have all the benefits/experiences related here. Totally agree with you in that "sex does not need to be exactly the same..." . Welcome!

I would be curious why the doctor didn't recommend surgery?

As far as male chastity play goes, if you  have only been married 5 years, not sure if your husband would be interested in trying it or not.

As for us, my wife has the same issue, pain with sex. We still have sex some, but not often. We save it for special occasions and I have learned to go really easy, she uses a vibrator to orgasm and I am very gentle when inside her. 

She lets me masturbate to relieve myself, but she thought I was doing it too often, 3 or 4 times a week. As a fun thing to do, we started using male chastity to cut down on my masturbating. Basically, we kiss, tease and have fun daily, but I only allowed to orgasm about 5 times a month. I wear a metal device for 10 days straight every month.

Don't know your age, but many older couples use masturbation for sex instead of penis in vagina sex. It can still be fun and something you do together, not alone. Oral sex is fun too, but we don't do that often.

Due to some other underlying conditions, surgery isn't an option for me but radiotherapy (not radiation) may be an options. The whole endometriosis medical history thing is a story as long as this one. Over the last year or so we have moved away from PIV (Painful In Vagina) sex to other things like oral, pegging and vaginal. I don't enjoy receiving anal sex but I don't think it is related to the Endo because the discomfort is different. I will check out the yoni massage, thank you vikter. Also Emma sent me a bunch of questions that I am working on answering to maybe be on the blog!

Posted by: @eve

I just wanted to speak up and tell anyone out there, sex does not need to be exactly the same as every other couple to be healthy, fulfilling and safe. 

I'd like to add to the chorus of welcoming voices to Emms's wonderful site.  I know its stating the bovious, but you're going to love it here.

I do wish you well as you seek relief from the painful act of sex.  Much admiration for you and your husband for coping with the hard times to be able to get to the good times.  I look forward to "seeing you around" here.

Best regards,

jay

@eve 

Here are some of the links I found in my research for Yoni massages in addition to the ones that Emma has in her Tantric Touch blog post.

https://karmatantric.com/yoni-massage-guide/

https://aeon.co/essays/tantric-sex-promises-healthy-bliss-what-does-the-science-say

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/yoni-massage-therapy#learn-more

Hope it helps you both feel more connected, it has been one best ways to share love with my wife without any expectation. We usually do something like this once a week as part of our exercise and massage routine for her. 

Also I forgot to say welcome before, so Welcome!

Edit. Bad link.

Thank you Eve! I just put your Q&A up. Sorry it took me a little bit longer because I got sidetracked with an issue with ads on the site over the last couple days.

Let me know if you have any changes! I'll be happy to make them.

Thank you. I hope it can be helpful to others with similar issues. I feel like we really turned things around and have a great sex life now. Not your mom and dad's sex life but who wants that? 

Oops! I didn't post the link to Eve's Q&A. 

https://www.evolvingyourman.com/2020/09/13/endometriosis-when-sex-is-painful/

@eve Whatever someone says - i am not a md - but a good friend of me, she deals with that for many years, try everything to prevent a surgery, every 4 Week she was not able to walk because of the immense pain. She goes on all fours for days. Not able to leave the house. Then there was not way, she has to go to the hospital, she nearly dies because it was so far advanced. 

Now she need a catheder, and she is completely numb in this areas, she sets a timer because she didn’t recognize that she has to go to the toilet.

Btw. she is in her thirties.

My advice, doublecheck what your doctor says, ask a second and a third one.

@flyingbob Oh my goodness. My pain is nothing like what you describe but I also never want it to get to this point. I sometimes have abdominal pain during my period and I feel like it may be worse due to endo but I do not know for sure. That sounds incredibly debilitating. My heart pours out with empathy for her! 

I'm with you and think a second opinion may be a good idea.