Cuckolding is NOT for everyone

Posted by: @djv

Your kink may not be my kink, but your kink is ok with me….

That means, i may not be into your thing but I wont shame you or judge you about it. Period. 

Dude, totally agree.  For me, I am fascinated by cuckolding, even though it's not something that Ms. K. has shown a real interest in.  It scares the living shit out of me while at the same time excites and arouses me.  Also for me, I can't speak to it without applying it to O/our life together.  I try hard to make sure that the reader understands that I speak to it in MY existence, not theirs.  I can understand that in doing so, it may seem judgmental.  It's not.  I support everyone's lifestyle and kink, regardless of what it is, even if it is different than mine.  I feel the same way about discussing politics.  

Like @subhubphx, I can get my head around cuckolding intellectually because I understand compersion.  But I admit that I do not understand how it could enhance my relationship with my fiancé for her risk emotional and intimate involvement with another person.  I don’t deny that it can happen.  I just don’t get it (yet).  I don’t think it is kink shaming to ask questions, raise perspectives, or challenge ideas on a site that is all about growth and change.  As long as the discourse is civil and respectful, I think any concept should be tolerated so long as the rest of the community is free to civilly and respectfully challenge it.  If this doesn’t happen, no one learns anything.

Posted by: @allabouther

But I admit that I do not understand how it could enhance my relationship with my fiancé for her risk emotional and intimate involvement with another person.

This is why I said in a different thread that I could support it tonight if the other person was involved in the same way her vibrator or dildo is.  Used for it intended purpose (good orgasm for her) and then put into the drawer (immediately leave) when that has been accomplished.  It's a desire for the "butterflies" that come from the development of a new emotional/romantic relationship part that doesn't work for me (yet).  Yet .... I fully understand and support that it does for Emma and many other ladies.

You said the word, fiancé. I personally don’t think cuckolding is for a couple who isn’t married, and they had better be a very stable marital platform as well. It challenges everything you learn as societal norms, and it definitely comes with a huge helping of jealousy. As the title states, it isn’t for everyone. 
However, for us, it’s turned our marriage around completely. Chastity did zero for my wife, and I suffered prostate issues very quickly. When she finally came out to me what she wanted, it liberated us as a couple. Now, admittedly, I have a fairly decent amount of time in the bdsm/kink world prior to our marriage, while she had never even heard of cuckolding or even knew that swing sites existed…so it wasn’t as shocking to me as maybe to her  or someone else. (Her development has been gradual) 
We still have had ups and downs. And there are hazards and pitfalls that literally can destroy a marriage iMO. Thats why it isn’t for everyone. I was willing to push all the chips on the table forward at that point. Not because of my kinks, but because I wanted her to be happy and enjoy a sex life again. Fortunately for us, it works and continues to do so. 

Yeah, that jealousy thing.  

I am thrilled for you that it saved your marriage.  Truly.  I think the more marriages that are saved, the better (so long as they are healthy).  “Your kink,” as you say.  More power to you.  Perhaps I will be in a better position to understand your perspective and how a huge helping of jealousy helps (or is at least dealt with in a healthy way) once I have been married for a while.  But, I did have a marriage that went for almost 27 year and I didn’t pick up this wisdom during that time.  Although, I will say I can tell already that having a formal FLR is going to make this one WAY Better.  

@djv, you would help me a lot if you could help me understand how humiliation and (essentially) declaring inferiority is healthy for a man or a relationship.  This is really where I get stuck.

For me, its not about inferior to another male. It’s about compersion. At first, it was just hot and kinky, I mean, come on, I am a sub male and kinky af. ? 

As time has gone on, and because of the path we personally are on is accelerated, compared to most couples that enter this realm, I have quickly realized I want my wife to be not just happy but 100 percent completely sexually satisfied and liberated. This allows that. She has gone from hardly ever wanting sex to a total sexually aroused woman that is not afraid to say what she likes and wants and not afraid to get it. How does that help us? For starters, our sex time has never been hotter or kinkier! Beyond that, it has truly drawn us closer. She has no interest in leaving me, as she says, I love our life together. She needed feel sexy, wanted, chased, maybe even naughty and dirty again in her life. She wanted variety as well. We had a great sex life for years, it slowly erroded to damn near nothing. Not because I quit trying or changed or got fat or whatever….she got bored. So for me, to see the sexy ass hottie I first fell in love with 12 years ago, happy as hell again, and being flirty (with other men and me) its a total turn on. Dealing with that jealousy sometimes was/is hard, but worth it iMO 

By the way, much of what we all know about Cuckolding, is seen through porn. Its bs. The humiliation is not nearly the driving force in most cases from what we have learned from other couples we have met. Sometimes, yes, the masochistic humility is what the male needs. For most it’s about having a happy wife, happy life. Some ladies need new cars and big houses. Some need newer big cocks ?
Simple as that (not really, but it sounds funny) 

@djv what you say is really interesting and more in line with what I could envision.  Can you tell more about how the jealousy affected both you and your wife?

Not sure the jealousy affects her? For me it would come and go. Mostly when she had dates. If i am present, it never bothers me. The jealousy occurred when she would have a date with out me there. That would just drive me crazy, but over time we have learned that she needs to include me. If she does have a solo date she will come home and tell me everything. Its incredibly hot and hearing how much she enjoyed the time alone really turns me on and makes me happy for her…and i feel part of it, instead of left out and jealousy 

@djv Just to add, it seems "most" of the folks into cuckolding have been married for a while, and have gone through various life experiences; newness is long in the past, raising children, busy work lives. Married or not, after 5-10 years the eyes and feelings start to wander and  re-kindling is needed. It is often a dangerous period for a marriage that leads to needless breakups due to outside interests. Those that embrace her need for "more" open up a new phase of the relationship that does not have to lead to disaster if it is used to reinforce the primary relationship instead of diminish it.

Posted by: @nevertoolate

Those that embrace her need for "more" open up a new phase of the relationship that does not have to lead to disaster if it is used to reinforce the primary relationship instead of diminish it.

Couldn't the very same thing be said for "his" need for more ...?  Depending on the power dynamics in the relationship of course.  If either's need is met at the expense/sacrifice of the other, the relationship can't sustain itself.

Posted by: @subhubphx

Couldn't the very same thing be said for "his" need for more ...?  Depending on the power dynamics in the relationship of course.  If either's need is met at the expense/sacrifice of the other, the relationship can't sustain itself.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  On this site, we presume the Domme is the woman, but others have different dynamics.  But the key, to me, is that the purpose of the activity has to be for reinforcing the primary relationship because if either's need is met at the expense/sacrifice of the other, the relationship can't sustain itself.  

I came across this on Fetlife.  For those of you on FL, you can click here to see it.  For those of you who aren't, it is cut and pasted below.  It's from a man that purports to be happily cucked.  One can only assume that to be the case.  Anyway, I thought these words were an amazing insight into some of the realty of venturing into a cuckold lifestyle.  Here it is:

"It is my belief that far too many men desire cuckolding for the fantasy of it. I have no doubt that it is a male driven fantasy. For some it may become a reality. For those that are serious about it a lot of thought should be put into it. There are the obvious concerns, and no doubt those concerns have become a reality for some men. Communication should be open and honest. Concerns should be vocalized and discussed. We arrived at the destination of cuckolding while navigating the tricky waters of male chastity. Not really sure where the winds of experimentation would blow us, we happened in the shores of cuckolding. We had the obvious discussions and decided to press forward, deeper into this mysterious island. Trust and insecurities where never a real issue and our relationship is rock solid so her leaving was never a concern of mine or a desire for her. One unexpected consequence of delving deeper into uncharted territory is that our boat drifted out to sea and we are stranded here. Although I struggle with my desire to leave this place and return to a normal relationship I know it can never be that way again. For one my desire to be cuckolded is just too strong. If I were to find myself single again, I don’t think I would be happy in a normal vanilla relationship again. Secondly, the desires of my wife have changed in much the same way. Our relationship is stronger in many ways and we remain very intimate, it is different. I never expected that I would no longer be sexually desirable to her. I never expected that I would be changed forever, in her eyes, to a submissive husband instead of competent and desirable lover. This may seem detrimental to most men, but for me it is now a huge source of arousement. Her rejection of me as a sexual object and lover fuels my lust for her, it gives me sexual satisfaction. An odd change of course to be sure and one I was never expecting."

Inasmuch as I believe that whatever any of us are into, want to do or actually do, it's more than OK with me as long as nobody gets hurt, this collection of words can either be perceived as a success story or a cautionary tale.  His transformation into what he is now, and his joy in it clearly are the success story parts.  Even with this comment "I never expected that I would no longer be sexually desirable to her. I never expected that I would be changed forever, in her eyes, to a submissive husband instead of competent and desirable lover.", which for me personally would feel like the end of my life.  Like i have said before, compersion has allowed me to be able to find comfort in the occasional of a human sex toy for sexual pleasure for Ms. K.  We've incorporated the use of sex toys for the entire 25 or so years we have been together.  Not as a replacement, but as an enhancement.  But like all the other toys, the human-kind would need to go right back into the drawer after we were done playing with it.

I think its exactly what you say:a success and a cautionary story. 
I also think it could be just that, a story. Fetlife is full of them. And full of people who claim to be things they are not….I’ve seen it firsthand over the years within the kink/bdsm community. It’s Facebook for kinksters, basically.