Thoughts on Poly-Friending

@Emma.  I understand your reasons for promoting cuckolding and they have some validity but I have to reiterate that I see this activity as fraught with possible heartache.  The potential transferring of feelings and love to the outside lover is just one of the aspects that make the risks outweigh the benefits in my mind. This is not a question of moral values or right and wrong.  It is about neither partner getting hurt.  I believe there are better ways for the woman to experience sexual gratification and the man to feel compersion.  That said, this is strictly how I feel and as long as a couple understands the risks and both are okay with the idea it is solely their choice. 

Now I am going to comment on this subject that Miss Emma refers to in almost all of her blogs, the woman’s need for a second lover or “poly-friending” as she likes to refer to it.  My comments are based more on my years of counseling couples with sexual problems than my education.  Most problems in the bedroom are not about sex.  They are about all the things that lead to a good sexual relationship.  I believe I indicated in a follow up to my introduction that I am not a fan of cuckolding.  In my years in practice had about a half dozen clients that tried variations of open marriages and one case of actual cucking.  Two of those cases ended in divorce and only one (not the cuckold case) ended up with the couple continuing with multiple partners.

I will begin by discussing the differences between men’s and women’s approach to a relationship.  I recognize there are exceptions and what I say applies to the majority of couples.  There will always be a small number of people who are atypical.  And there will always be some men who are scum bags and focus on sex anywhere they can get it and there will always be women who are narcissistic bitches.  Both are the exception.

Yes, when men are young and first dating, probably even through the college years, they pretty much have one thing on their minds.  That is sex.  They have corny pick up lines and most of what they do is aimed at getting laid.  But as men mature, an entirely different emotional being is formed.  Men want to bond and form a lasting relationship with a woman.  They need that security of being loved, of being in a committed relationship.  When they find the woman they want to spend their life with everything about their mating makeup changes.  Typically they will develop an unconditional or nearly so love for the woman.  In rare cases when this love is unrequited they resort to stalking but again that is rare.  When the man falls in love it tends to be forever and the things he does for her are no longer about having sex.  They are about making this woman happy and feeling loved and most of all safe.  He sees protecting her as his prime responsibility.  Mind you, he still wants to have sex with her often and is not going to turn her down when she offers but his motive for how he takes care of her is no longer about getting laid.  In general, a man will do whatever he has to in order to preserve the relationship.  In my practice it was the man who initiated couples counseling in at least 3/4 of the cases.  The woman often came in with the attitude that it was too much trouble and shouldn’t we just give up and move on.

Women on the other hand, see a relationship with a man as providing her with fiscal security and meeting society’s pressure for a woman to marry so she does not become an old maid.  Society has slowly changed in the last few decades regarding the role of woman.  Women are now discouraged from seeing motherhood or being a loving wife as rewarding and are told they need to be “professionals” in the workforce so they don’t waste their potential.  This has placed increased pressure on women.  It has made relationships even less important and more stressful in their lives.  But those natural beliefs about needing a man still linger.  Women today are more conflicted about their role than ever.  As if being a woman wasn’t hard enough already. 

For men, as a relationship matures and he begins to do things for his partner out of love rather than to achieve sex.   The woman on the other hand, becomes more prone to use sex as a tool.  She will refuse sex to the man as a punishment when she fails to get her way and will offer sex to get something she wants that he may not want to do.  Add to all of these differences the fact that the woman a man loves on Monday may be a whole different woman on Tuesday because us women have this crazy monthly cycle that plays with our hormones like a Jackson Pollock painting and you wonder how we ever bond at all.   

There was a study about 7 or 8 years ago that appeared in one of my trade journals that describes how differently husbands and wives view their partners.  Nearly 100% of men said that the person they love most and the person they consider most important in their life is their wife.  Almost 2/3 of husbands listed their wife as their best friend.  By contrast, Most wives listed their husband fourth as the person they most loved behind her children, parents and siblings.  (As I recall it was very close on the siblings.)  As for most important, the husband fell to fifth behind the wife’s best friend.  Less than 25% of women called their husband their best friend.  I recall that study initially surprised me but as I thought about the couples I had worked with I realized it very much mirrored what I had experienced in my practice.  It helps explain why men see marriage as being more of a commitment than women do.  Most divorce proceeding are initiated by the woman and it is most often simply for “Incompatibility.”

Now for what I actually want to discuss, the reasons why a woman would want to take on another lover.  Would it surprise you to learn that a woman is almost twice as likely to cheat as a man?  And a man is almost twice as likely to forgive cheating and try to save the marriage as a woman is.  Miss Emma often writes that it has to do with excitement and the newness factor.  The woman is looking for that level of attention and romance that happened during the courtship. Particularly in the early years before children the woman wants the relationship or marriage to be about her. Miss Emma talks about how that all disappears as the couple gets comfortable.  She says being comfortable is good and she likes being comfortable with her fiancé but the excitement of the courtship wanes and a woman needs that excitement. 

Comfortable in a relationship means you have gotten to know each other so well, as the cliché goes, you can finish each other’s sentences.  You trust each other implicitly, you are automatically there for each other and have each other’s back.  It is not the reason the fire went out.

The problem is not the comfort level.  The problem is complacency.  By complacent I do not mean one or both partners has gotten lazy.  Lazy is just another word for “Not caring.”  More often than not there is no cure for lazy.  Complacency is letting life get in the way of love.  It is all about the little things that don’t happen anymore.  His hug when you both get home from work, the asking how your day was, the holding your hand when you walk down the street.  Maybe he just doesn’t talk to you in that same loving way and there aren’t as many “I love you’s.” 

Let me say this is not all on the man.  We women are just as guilty of becoming complacent as the man is.  Do we encourage that hug as we come in the door or are we thinking about something else?  Do we smile when he takes our hand when we are walking or pull away so as not to feel silly in public?  Do we make it a point to look attractive when we are just alone with him at home?  Do we really listen to him when he talks?  Every joke is about how the man never listens but listening is a two way street. If the man feels like these things aren’t important to us, why would he bother doing them? 

The courtship excitement disappears because we let life get in the way.  Both partners become preoccupied with their careers, or children, or household chores and they let the romance take a back seat.  It seems there is never time, and energy for both partners may be in short supply.  Marriage requires work.  It is an everyday job and it may be the most important job in spite of what society says.  The divorce rate in this country exceeds 50%.  The problem rarely rests on just one partner’s shoulders.

I will relate an incident that I recall well because the couple had an all-out fight right in my office as if I wasn’t there but then ended up kissing and crying.  Though this was a unique moment for me in my practice, the theme was all too common.  A case of poor communication and complacency.  This couple had been married for a little over two years.  The woman’s complaint was that when they got to the bedroom he just wanted sex and he never did anything romantic to get her in the mood.  He didn’t cuddle anymore like he did when they were dating.  It took her a while to get this all out but the gist of her complaint was she did not feel loved in the bedroom.  She was just a sex object.  I asked the husband why he didn’t do romantic things like cuddling anymore.   He said he tried.  He used to go over to her when they were just sitting there reading and snuggle up to her and kiss her cheek and tell her he loves her.  She would say can’t you see I’m busy and tell me to go do something useful.  He said he just wanted to show her he loves her and sometimes he needed to know she loved him too.  He went on for a minute or so using different words but saying the same thing over and over.  His wife interrupted and literally started screaming at him.  She said something to the effect of, “you just want to have sex and I’m not going to do that on the couch and you don’t even get me in the mood.”  Then he started yelling at her and I just listened for almost 5 minutes.  When I had heard everything I needed to hear I finally intervened.  I asked the man what he thought the reason was she saw him as wanting nothing but sex.  What could he do differently?  He was visibly upset and his answer was heart breaking.  He said he didn’t know.  That he loves her so much and he didn’t know how to show her anymore.  Then he looked me straight in the eyes, with tears in his eyes, and said, “I don’t know what she wants me to do.  I just love her so much.  How do I tell her?”  I was about to ask the woman the follow up question and she put her arms around him and kissed him and said you just did and they were both crying. 

We dug deeper into their relationship, and I made them realize they had let the magic fade.  Neither one of them had time for the little things, those things that say I love you every day.  So when the husband would try to show his love in one giant step by snuggling she didn’t see it as just wanting to be close.  She saw it as him trying to be sexy. 

I had them go back to working on making time for each other.  I gave them rules.  They had to sit down and tell each other about their day every day and they both had to listen.  They had to hug each other before they left for work and when they got home.  They had to say I love you at least once a day.  There were few more but you get the gist.  I also told them they couldn’t have sex for a week (till our next appointment) but they had to make love without sex every night for at least a half hour.  Absolutely no masturbation or orgasms for either one.  That confused them but they agreed when I told them they would understand why by the time we met the next time.  I told the husband he could snuggle up to her when she was reading but not to demand anything of her in return.  Let her read.  I didn’t tell her anything about snuggling.  When we met the next week they were like a different couple.  He couldn’t wait to tell me that when he snuggled up to her the first time and kissed her cheek, before he could say I love you she kissed him back, put her one arm around him and told him to hold her book so she could keep reading and she had a big smile.  He said he never felt so loved.  Then the wife said, “We finally got it last night.”  They knew their appointment was the next day and they were trying to figure out why they weren’t allowed to have sex all week.  She said that it was him who figured it out.  He said that making love is not the same as having sex.  Making love is what makes sex good.  Then he spoke up, and I remember what he said almost word for word because it was exactly what I wanted him to learn, “When you finally let us have sex again I will make sure it is about making her know how much I love her, not about the sex.”  Then the wife asked if they could have sex that night.  The no orgasms for a week had been difficult especially for him but he was the one who wanted the counseling so he did it.  Even she was looking forward to making sexual love again.

We had a couple more follow up sessions over the next month or so to make sure they stayed on track.  By the time I told them they didn’t need me anymore those rules I gave them had become a natural part of their everyday routine.  Interestingly, they still made love every night but only had sex a couple times a week and he thought their sex was better than ever.  I never heard from them after and I hope they never back slid into that complacency. 

So now, how does this relate to Miss Emma’s selling of “poly-friending?”  It is not about needing a new lover because the romance and the excitement and the attention of the courting have faded.  It is about making sure you don’t let life get in the way of love.  It takes both partners to keep the courtship alive.  One of you alone can’t do it and you can’t do it with one big romantic gesture every once in a while.  It is the little things every day that you do to show your partner that he or she is what makes your world go around.  If you both make the effort your man will still be as exciting and desirable as he was when he was courting you.  The fire may have gone out but the embers are still glowing.  They just need to be fanned.

The woman will be able to mold him into whatever kind of lover she wants.  This is especially true in an FLR where the woman controls the love life.  He can be just sensual one night and take you like an animal the next.  He will be whatever you want him to be at the moment because he loves you and he knows you love him.  His unconditional love will allow you to guide and teach him.  His greatest single joy will always be what Miss Emma refers to as compersion or seeing his wife satisfied and happy.  In my experience that joy will be even greater if he is the one who can do that for her.  She may also find a more fulfilling and meaningful love life with the man she actually loves than she will with a “mating man.”

Miss Emma discourages allowing the man to orgasm as part of the couples love making.  If the man knows he is going to get an orgasm, he will make it about his orgasm and the intimacy and loving he shows her won’t be there  I disagree in spades.  This man loves you unconditionally.  His life is about making you happy.  You may have to teach him how to be multiple lovers based on what you need at the moment and you may have to guide him sometimes to let him know your needs but he can meet them.  I guarantee this.  Mr. J-K is living proof of this.  And remember, you are still only going to allow him to orgasm occasionally.  Only when you want that feeling that engulfs you when you share an orgasm in a moment of true intimacy with someone you love.

Miss Emma’s second concern is that when he orgasms it is a bad thing, referring to the “down” or lethargic, unfocused period that follows a male orgasm.  Miss Emma is well aware of the hormones involved in the various aspects of love.  She is also aware that the amount of hormones released in a man’s orgasm as the result of making love is several times greater than from going off and masturbating.  This is not news.  These hormones and their role in a man’s sex life were well known back when I was in school in the eighties.  The answer they taught us in our couples counselling course was simple but at the same time difficult to achieve.  After sex the man wants to just roll over and go to sleep and the next day he may still be “distant” for lack of a better word.  He will be less focused and lethargic. That is why coaches discourage players from having sex before a big game.  The woman on the other hand released oxytocin with her orgasm and she wants to bond and snuggle and just be loved some more.  The solution is the woman has to take control and require her man to continue pleasing her.  The first several minutes it will be all her effort.  But he will be producing oxytocin with this snuggling and hugging and kissing.  Shortly she will feel his new hormone kicking in and over-powering the prolactin.  He will start to participate.  He will caress her and kiss her neck and shoulders and do all the things he does in foreplay.  This speeds up the production of oxytocin which as we know increases the rate at which most of the testosterone hormones start to be produced.  He will start to get aroused and begin petting and being romantic in an almost sexy way.  Now she can encourage him to give her another orgasm orally or manually (she doesn’t want to let him orgasm again or the whole point of the exercise is lost.) or she can tell him to be still and go to sleep.  Whatever!  In any case, come morning she will have that horny man who will want to please her.  With a little luck he might even be a little frustrated. LOL  We have actually had that happen to us on a few occasions.

The reason this solution is so difficult is three fold.  First, traditionally the man is in charge in the bedroom so he is going to be in control and just roll over and go to sleep.  Second, it takes a very strong woman to overcome his hormones and make him engage in loving after the sex, especially if he knows it isn’t going to lead to another orgasm for him.  Third is that period between the orgasm and when the oxytocin starts to build up in him.  During this period the woman is doing all the romancing and he is just being compliant.  It is hard for a woman to be romantic with her man when he is not responding in kind.  But be patient, it is only a few minutes until your man will start romancing you back. 

Yes, it is beneficial to both partners to limit the man’s orgasms.  Generally speaking, I found for us when he was younger that twice a week was a maximum.  Now it takes longer for him to totally recover his testosterone so once a week is plenty often.  As they say, your mileage may vary.  But as I said above, sharing an orgasm with the man you love is a very special feeling that I don’t believe you can achieve at the recreational level with a “mating man.”

I’m sorry this ended up being a book instead of a forum post but I don’t know what I could have left out.