FLR and Chastity It May Not Be What You Think It is

My name is Stephanie.  I am 52 years old and married for twenty nine wonderful years to Dave who is two years older.  We began a mild FLR about a year into our relationship at my urging and it has expanded to become more of a female lead but far from extreme.  We got involved with the chastity aspect about two years in.  I majored in psychology but did not get an advanced degree and never used it professionally but it has been very useful in raising two wonderful children and training a nearly perfect husband.  Dave is an engineer with an MBA and has  provided us with a very comfortable life.  Dave tends to be shy and introverted but as time has progressed, so has he and he is much more comfortable in large group settings and with strangers.  He was a virgin when we married and he was awkward with those of the female persuasion.  I on the other hand was high school homecoming queen and was not a virgin.  Not even close.  I have not strayed since we married, however, and Dave was aware of my history when we were dating. 

I have frequently browsed in various chastity and FLR sites over the last couple of years, mostly as a curiosity.  I have chosen to write our journey to dispel what I feel are some myths about what an FLR and chastity have to be according to many involved in such relationships.  I contend that FLR and chastity are not necessarily about denial or domination or making everything about what is good for the female.  It is about making things good for both partners in the relationship.  It is about making the love, intimacy, caring, and communication all stronger.  FLR’s are by no means a free ride for the female key holder.  She has a great responsibility and has to put in a great deal of effort.  That effort is not burdensome though because the return she will receive every day in the form of unconditional love and attention is unmatched when compared to the conventional relationship.  I chose this site to post my thoughts because it seems to be more open to different viewpoints then most chastity and FLR sites. 

In our marriage, Dave handles the finances but we determine our budget together.  We each get a nominal allowance to spend however we choose.  Mine is slightly larger because women have more miscellaneous needs than men.  Special large expense items we decide together on but I have the final say because I am a little less “impulse buyer” than Dave.  I decide the chore distribution but we both work together to keep the household running smoothly.  When the two kids were growing up, I did most of the parenting because I was at home while he was at work but Dave was very involved with their care and rearing and even changed his share of diapers (LOL.)  I am the menu planner (otherwise we would eat nothing but meat and potatoes)  but we both are involved in the shopping and cooking.  The bedroom is totally my domain.  I rule our sex life.  This only makes sense because the bedroom is as much a place of emotions as it is sex.  The emotional part of a woman’s brain is larger than that in a man’s and she is much more aware of the subtle aspects of love making.  Also a woman generally understand both their bodies better than a man even understands his own.  His understanding of his body amounts to “orgasm feels good.”    

In our first years of marriage, Dave would masturbate often when I was on my period.  This bothered me and made me feel like he didn’t really need me sexually if he could satisfy himself.  I got him to tone it down but he had a great deal of trouble stopping completely.  I had heard of chastity cages and talked to Dave to see if he would be willing to wear one during my period.  He agreed.  He didn’t wear it to bed because he wasn’t going to masturbate then anyway.   We both learned something from this.  By the end of my period he was way past horny but the first sex after it he had a much more intense orgasm.  We both noticed this.  When we talked about it, it made perfect sense.  Unlike a woman who may be able to have multiple  orgasms and have each one be more intense than the previous one,  a man uses up his hormones with his orgasm and requires some time to recover.  His ability to have another orgasm and his desire may be there again in anything from hours to a day but it is still going to be less satisfying than if he waits two or three days for his next orgasm.  We experimented and I had him wear the cage for two days after each encounter and all his orgasms were very intense.  I would have him give me oral on the off nights because I love having sex and the side benefit of this was it increased his level of sexual anxiety and his orgasms got even better when his turn came.  We (I mostly) determined that this should be our default routine.  He eventually got to being able to wear the device to bed with minimum discomfort and it only came off every three days for intercourse and would go back on in the morning. 

As we aged, I noticed the recovery time started to increase.  I asked him one day if he would allow me to determine when he was ready for his next orgasm as I could sense his hormone level better than he could.  He was a little reluctant but I reminded him I held the keys and after a little laughter he agreed to trust me.  By the time we reached our late thirties the recovery time was four or five days and by the mid forties it was closer to a week.  Now that he is fifty four it is every other Saturday night.  We could probably go about ten days but Saturdays work really well because we are both relaxed.  I still get my oral orgasm almost every night and I brush against him and cuddle with him a lot whenever we are together.  The cage has been upgraded several times and it is actually fairly comfortable and Dave wears it all the time now except to have intercourse. 

One common myth has to do with size.  Dave is a little over four and half inches when hard and just over an inch thick.  It took some teaching for him to learn to please me with intercourse but he has learned how to do it very well.  One of my early boyfriends was larger than average and it was often painful and on top of that he wasn’t that good and I rarely got an orgasm from intercourse with him.  It is more about technique than size.  Ladies, do not be afraid to tell your man what feels good and arousing and what doesn’t.  Mind you I get a stronger orgasm from oral and it is a very intimate act but I would never want to give up that special feeling of him being inside me and taking me to the finish line.

One last thing that gets talked about frequently is that after an orgasm the male will lose his focus on his partner and be, for lack of better words, less attentive, nice, and helpful.  I saw this happening very early in our love life.  I did not want to give up intercourse where he had an orgasm because the emotions of sharing that moment when I would orgasm and my muscle contractions would send him over the edge are indescribably wonderful.  A shared orgasm is worth any mess that comes with it and I don’t personally understand the women who do not want that experience.  I did some research and one source called it “Male Post Orgasm Depression.”  When the male has an orgasm his brain puts out lots of chemistry beyond depleting his testosterone.  Depending on the man, this depression can last for a few hours to a couple of days.  It usually results in a state of lethargy, lack of focus, and lack of sensitivity to what is happening around him.  Normally Dave was all about loving me and if he saw me working he just pitched in automatically to help.  He was always aware of how I was feeling and put me ahead of himself.  Dave is a very loving and caring guy by nature.  Especially when it comes to me.  As I said, it was very early I noticed that this behavior was much less the day after we had sex.  With a little more research I found what has been the answer.  Now this is where the effort I mentioned earlier comes in.  Trust me.  It is worth it.  In the beginning after we had intercourse we would cuddle and kiss for a minute till he cooled down and then we kissed goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep.  The next morning we got up and each did our own thing.  This is all wrong.  I started to make him cuddle and kiss much longer after making love.  I would make him talk to me and often I would make him give me a second orgasm (or third when I had him give me oral to start with) orally so as not to have him confuse his mind with another orgasm to deal with.  This got him past the initial surge of brain chemistry and I was also giving him a great deal of attention and emotional loving.  I set the morning alarm to go off about a half hour early and I would make him talk and love me in sensual ways like caressing my back and even my breasts and legs while I would do the same to him.  Almost like foreplay but with no sex to follow.   At breakfast I would touch him a lot and talk to him so that he had to pay attention to me but always in a loving manner.  Never critical or telling him what he had to do.  Just reminding him how much I loved him.  He would respond in kind and let me know he loved me more.  When he got home from work I would meet him at the door and give him a nice kiss and a big hug and ask him about his day.  Then he asks me about my day and actually listens.  He follows me to the kitchen and automatically pitches in to get dinner on the table and helps with the cleanup afterwards.  Female lead is about leadership not domination.  He never has post orgasm depression anymore.  It is not that I make him be attentive and loving after intercourse.  By showing him love and attention I make him want to be everything he is before intercourse. 

I know most women seem to think that a man only thinks with his little head, that the penis drives his every motivation.  But if your man actually loves you for you he can be trained to put love first.  Dave does not love, protect, and care for me because I control his sex life.  He does it because he loves me.  He trusts me with his sex life because I have not let him down.  I have done everything to make his sex life better and he realizes that is true because he was involved in every change we made in our chastity relationship.  Though he has less sex than most men, he has a better love life than almost every other man.  He is not really denied, just delayed.  In between intercourse encounters we share an intimacy that is as good for him as it is for me.