It is not just about sex

This post is going to be two parts in one.  The first is about my talk with Dave and the second is what I learned about us.  Both surprised me.

So last night I was sitting at the table while Dave was finishing cleaning up after super and I asked him what was the real problem with the site and the blogs.  I actually had a note pad because I figured I  was going to be asking lots of questions as we went and I wanted to take notes so I could put it all together and make him see he was over reacting to something.  Well he just let it all hang out and unloaded all his feelings about what he thought the site was about and how he thought Emma was treating Kevin.  I never asked a single question until the very end and the answer to that question explained a lot.  This first part is all what Dave suddenly feels.  I do not agree with much of his assessment but he made me think about some aspects of our relationship.

Dave started by saying he didn’t feel any of this till he read about how Emma makes Kevin perform his masturbation.  He said he asked Emma about it but she didn’t reply.  That means she didn’t have an answer.  Then he went back and reread lots of blogs.  He said Emma is using Kevin’s love for her against him to take advantage of him and slowly remove his self-esteem.  He said that Emma only pays attention to Kevin by teasing and sometimes humiliating him for the sole purpose of making all his focus be on her.  She wants him to show her affection and service but nowhere in any blog could he find where she showed him affection in a loving manner.  Only in a teasing manner to keep him frustrated so he will give her whatever she wants of him.  He said I can’t believe being frustrated and humiliated six days a week brings anyone happiness.  The only touching she gives him is sexual when he is locked up to frustrate him.  You don’t see anywhere that she touches him softly to tell him she loves him like you touch me all the time.  It is all about her and what she wants.  She talks about compersion and I think that is the only happiness he gets in the relationship.   He probably finds some happiness in his work and hobbies but no happiness of his own in the relationship.  He has to settle for being happy with it because she has everything she wants including an extra man to rock her boat in bed.  She says Kevin isn’t enough emotionally because he doesn’t talk enough about things she wants to talk about.  Well what about what he wants to talk about.  She’d apparently rather talk to Andrew before he left than what Kevin may want to talk about.  One man or the other would make her the center of attention.

Then he switched gears a bit and said you know she never talks about anything in their relationship except chastity and her sexual fulfillment.  He said, “Look at us.”  Our chastity is about our lovemaking and nothing else.  You don’t get me frustrated.  You show me you love me even when I don’t get to orgasm.  I know I will get a wonderful one every other Saturday and I may be horny but you never get me frustrated.  We don’t show each other attention because of the cage.  We show each other attention because we are best friends and we love each other.  “Clear and simple.”  He said the other night you challenged me to a game of darts.  It’s not your thing but you know I like playing and we had fun together.  Last weekend we planted your bulbs together.  Not my thing but we had fun together.  We do stuff together all the time.  Emma never mentions anything they do together as part of their bonding experience.  He said that he gets me little presents or picks wild flowers for me because he loves to see me smile  and the smile is even better when he knows he made it happen.  You do the little things for me too.  And it makes me smile and know that you care.  If Emma is talking about what makes a relationship work, where are these little things?  They are so important.  They could be the attention she craves but she shuts it out by making it about controlling and limiting Kevin.  She always says she loves Kevin but it seems more like what she loves is her power over Kevin.  He ended with, “Loving attention isn’t about frustration or sex at all.  It is about best friends who love each other and just want to see each other happy.”

Then he just stopped and looked at me as if to see what I thought. To Dave, love being part of his orgasm is so important.  When he saw none of that in Kevin’s orgasm it distorted everything he had read about their relationship.  He took things Emma said out of context and assumed that anything she didn’t say didn’t ever happen.

I asked him why was how Emma and Kevin interacted so important that it would totally change what he saw in the blogs in the beginning.  Dave suddenly made it all clear to me.  He said, “Kevin was like a friend.”  When I first started to read the blogs he was a kindred spirit.  We had so much in common with each of us having a strong woman to guide us in a loving relationship.  He said, “I didn’t know him personally but there was a connection.”  Then he said he saw what she made him do to get his orgasm on Sunday mornings with no loving interaction.  She just made Kevin do it.  He said, “He felt like Emma had betrayed both of us.”

I was not expecting that answer.  I had no idea what to say.  Dave was badly bullied all through his school years including by a couple of teachers.  He was gangly and awkward and a true science geek and did not fit in.  He is very sensitive to anyone being what he considers mistreated, especially if it is someone he cares about.  That is probably why he is so supportive of my volunteer work.  His perception of how Emma treated Kevin on Sundays just distorted everything in his mind.  I have no idea how to change his mind or his thinking.  This is about feelings and I don’t have an FLR card to tell him how to feel.  Even if I had one I wouldn’t play it.  I don’t want some programed robot that can’t have a thought or feeling of his own. There is nothing I can say to show him Kevin is okay with everything.  I can’t tell him how Emma shows her love to Kevin.  Dave is normally a very rational guy and all I can do at this point is be patient and hope he rethinks things and realizes he has over reacted and injected images into Emma’s blogs that weren’t really there.

PART TWO

As I said, Some of what Dave said made me think about our relationship. 

He is absolutely right that our chastity is solely about our love making.  Our love making and the rest of our relationship are totally separate.  I am sure if either the sex or the day to day living were bad the other part would rapidly fail also.  I think the relationship has to be good for the sexual aspect to work and if the love making is not good the relationship will suffer.  But I don’t use his chastity as means of controlling the way he treats me the rest of the time.  I don’t tease him to make him attentive, in fact there is very little teasing at all.  We get playful sometimes when he is locked but it may have few if any sexual overtones. 

He is also right when he says we are best friends that happen to love each other.  With time we have both grown and gained new interests to add to our old interests.  What makes it beautiful is that we enjoy each other’s interests as well.  As he said, it may not be my thing but I enjoy being with him and doing things together.  It is a two way street. Later in the evening we watched his beloved Eagles against those evil Cowboys.  I held his hand very tight.  It is not romantic.  We both just know if I hold his hand tight enough the Eagles will win.  I didn’t hold it tight enough.  LOL  I am not a football fan but I am a Dave fan.  Mind you we are not joined at the hip.  We do some things on our own but we also try to enjoy the things the other one enjoys.  This is one of the ways we show each other attention and that we are focused on each other.  We share the chores and do them together so we can have more quality time together.  It has nothing to do with the cage.  It has everything to do with liking each other as well as loving each other.  I think that it is why it is so important that on the nights he gets his orgasm we start by just relaxing and talking before we go to bed.  It reminds us we are more than lovers, we are friends.

He talked about doing little things just to make me smile.  If you want to feel like your man is focused on you this is the coup de gras.  A few months back I got out my sewing box to do some crocheting and I bumped it off the table and it cracked.  I said DAMN but it was actually still usable.  It just had a big crack in it.  Dave was sitting across from me and just asked if everything was okay and I said yes but I just cracked my sewing box.  He knew I liked that box.  The next day he used his whole lunch hour to go to a notions store and find me a new one almost exactly the same.  He got wrapping paper and turned it into a present.  He gave it to me when he came home that night.  I opened it and had to give him a huge kiss.  As presents go, a sewing box is a lousy present.  I could have gone and gotten a new one, no big deal.  What made it wonderful was he knew I liked sewing and I liked that sewing box and he took the time to see what the old one looked like and the time to find a new one and then he even wrapped it to make it special.  It wasn’t about the box.  It was about that he paid attention to me and he cared.  That is what I call focusing on me.  And it wasn’t because of his cage or because he was frustrated.

So what have I concluded from all of this?  It is not just about the sex or the chastity or the FLR.  It is mostly about love and friendship.  Chastity is a tool we use to make our love life better and I believe Dave will agree with me that our love life is pretty awesome.  FLR is a tool we use to guide us to a better relationship for both of us.  Friendship and love are what make the tools work. 

It seems that we do things very differently from most couples here.  Our lifestyle is pretty vanilla.  Many might even question our use of chastity and see our FLR as non-existent.  But it works for us and I hope we will always be welcome here in spite of being extra vanilla because it has helped us to open up and learn new things about each other.  I hope at some point I can get Dave back to being comfortable with the site.  I think it was good for him.