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Love ist the key
In contrast to women, male sexuality seems to be focused on penetration and orgasms for a long time, depending on the phase of life, of course. Only in orgasm dissolution, fusion, and maximum closeness appear possible. Similar to nuclear fusion, the merging of the opposite can only be achieved for a fraction of a millisecond, if at all. And so every orgasm turns out to be nothing more than an approximation of a state that we desperately strive for, but will never reach steadily. Just like a man who drinks salt water to quench his thirst.
At all times the phenomenon of love - often described as a kind of mild insanity - has preoccupied people and especially philosophy. A particularly beautiful and early example is the myth of Aristophanes. http://www.connellodonovan.com/hen.htm
The libido gradient mentioned above has an evolutionary biological function - even if it has been reshaped by civilization and culture. In the animal world, too, the male only comes into play when she has made her choice and is ready.
And so in relation to the human species it can happen that - when the reproductive purpose of sexuality is fulfilled or we are at an age that it can no longer be fulfilled, a change in meaning and function takes place. And the evolutionary biologically meaningful control of partner choice and willingness to couple becomes an instrument, sometimes a weapon in partnership disputes. And even if we are not always aware of this fact, in this way sexuality may become a battleground on which we work on our conscious and subconscious (partnership) problems.
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From my private as well as my professional experience, it is often the women who in this phase begin to use sexuality to settle or collect bills, or to drive out those little bad habits that each of us does. Even those, which under normal circumstances would hardly be worth discussing. Once this struggle has begun, there is a risk of entering into a fateful vicious circle. The man, in return, will at some point begin to deliberately deprive his partner of the attention, appreciation and love that she basically longs for and needs. The couple enters a phase of mutual rejections and disappointments. The relationship begins to deteriorate. An effect that often manifests itself physically (body shape, alcohol, clothing style, personal hygiene). In the end, neither of them gets what they so vitally need. They starve to death at a richly set table.
In the end there is aggression, auto-aggression, the flight into substitute acts such as - with men - internet consumption, masturbation, infidelity and the loss of mutual respect. This process can be reversed as long as a spark of embers remains beneath the ashes of mutual disappointments. I found nice reports for it in this forum. It takes courage to leave instilled feelings of guilt and shame behind, to speak openly about hopes, wishes and desires. It takes mutual trust, tolerance and openness as partners.
In the end its always about intimicy: Coming together, being and staying together – and it is always about sex. What we need to understand first and foremost, is how fundamentally different the needs of women and men are. On closer inspection, of course, we understand the principle of complementarity behind these apparently incompatible opposites. Once we understand this, our view opens up to completely new possibilities.
The concept of female leadership can be one such path. In many relationships, in my opinion in most of them, there is a female-led relationship anyway. Because let's not kid ourselves: It's the women who choose us, not the other way around. A woman, unconsciously or consciously, is most likely to choose from among various possible partners the one whom she believes she can control. In the long run, it is always women who determine when and how we have sex. The man, on the other hand, is looking for sexual satisfaction on the one hand, but he is even more looking for belonging and closeness.
If we seize this chance, if we are ready to change ourselves and to allow ourselves to be changed, and if we - as described above - are able to leave behind guilt and shame, then doors may open to a new quality in our relationship. But no matter what we are ready to do, it takes the will, understanding and activity of both parts.
When a couple opts for FLR and this is actively implemented, a special and new form of responsibility for one another arises at the same time. Lock and key do not symbolize the final result, but only the beginning or the intermediate stage of a new dynamic in their relationship. It is a learning process that can fail or relapse at any point in time. But above all, it is a manifestation of love and trust
Love is the key!
Posted : 25/09/2021 4:42 pm
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Posted : 03/10/2021 9:45 am
Topic starter
Sexual Phantasies – it`s all in your head
Everybody has sexual phantasies. This ability and the ability to love is what distinguishes humans from animals. The lust for images is central to human sexuality, it is the fire in the stove, the fuel of excitement. People who say of themselves that they have no sexual fantasies often believe that they mean very specific content or even pornographic practices. And this is the first thing we have to understand: Sexual fantasies are very individual and different for each person.
But they are necessary are for arousal. They help us to go beyond what is sensually perceptible and to imagine something that cannot be seen or experienced in reality at the moment or in principle. The central sexual organ is the brain. Without a head cinema, nothing works in bed. Sexual fantasies can help to find out what arouses you, what are central erotic fantasies. You can recognize your own pleasure profile from it. Every person is unique, also in his sexuality and accordingly the fantasies are also different. There is no normality in this regard. Often times, sexual fantasies are rooted in childhood. A Thesis that most people can confirm by introspection.
An erotic fantasy often exists independently of the desire to turn it into reality. it cannot be equated primarily with a wish. Fantasies exist in a virtual world, on a rehearsal stage. Seen in this way, fantasies alone are not pathological. However, if they reach threatening proportions or there is concern about losing control of it, then it is advisable to seek professional help. On the other hand, knowing about their function can also help to overcome feelings of guilt - especially those of a religious or ideological nature.
In a relationship, sexual fantasies are sometimes taken as a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship or with the sex life in the relationship. But: Sexual fantasies say nothing about the state of a relationship. At most they show that the person who has them is still alive. At the beginning of a relationship, during the greatest infatuation, sexual fantasies are sometimes pushed into the background. In the long run, however, there is no lively and pleasurable sexuality without fantasies. Porn, on the other hand, tends to limit the fantasies because it simplifies the complexity of our sexuality.
Talking about sexual images and fantasies in a relationship harbors a lot of explosives not only against the background of the individual psychosexual socialization of the partner. Quite often the question arises whether the previous sexual practices, but also the partner as a person, are no longer sufficient. If it is not possible to differentiate between fantasy and desire, between fiction and reality, and if morality comes into play, then a cascade of perceived rejection and devaluation can quickly ensue.
Talking about fantasies in a partnership, even more: trying to put them into practice requires great trust and caution, which can be compared to trying to have sex with two hedgehogs. There are a lot of spikes involved. Love is the key. Likewise trust and small rituals. Like blindfolding the other, restraints, loving touch ... questions and confessions.
First and foremost, however, it must be understood what an important function fantasies have in the long-term existence and growth of a relationship. The landscapes of our imagination are the only ones we can travel to, regardless of our physicality or the specific situation of a pandemic.
Therefore: Thank you all for sharing your trip with us.
Posted : 25/12/2021 5:37 pm
Topic starter
It´s a game!
Let's not fool ourselves. The idea that the game about power and submission, about tease and denial, about long time or even permanent chastity, could be more than a game but a lifelong reality is an illusion. At least for most of us.
And even if the sexual delirium of the night or weekend makes us wish it would never end, it often leaves us waking up with a bad taste in our mouths in the morning. At least when we play the game too serios. When we take ourselves too seriously. When we forget to see things with a wink.
Let's imagine enjoying champagne and oysters for a moment. Delicious. But it is also delicious because it is a special experience. An experience that stands out from the everyday, special moods and situations are reserved. If we could have it every day, it would be commonplace and ultimately – just boring.
Commonplace things lose their charm. Things that are unheard of and unspeakable retain their fascination precisely because we avoid the painful confrontation with an every day reality.
Just as life itself has its seasons, so does love. Knowing this keeps us from disappointment at the silence in this forum as well as occasionally in our bedrooms.
Never forget: it's a game and LOVE IS THE KEY
Du hast Recht, es ist ein Spiel. Wir machen das nur ab und zu, zusammen mit anderen Spielen. Aber es ist gut zu wissen, dass es verfügbar ist. An den Profilen habe ich gesehen, dass Sie in Deutschland sind. Ich hoffe du sprichst deutsch. Ich bin ein ehemaliger Deutscher, ich habe in den USA gelebt und jetzt lebe ich in Südamerika.
Edit: Translated
This post was modified 2 years ago 2 times by Emma
