My journey has been accelerating

Aw, this is the type of sex I want to have!

@AllAboutHer   This whole post was amazing and my humble opinion, a beautiful testimonial for the benefits of a WLM/FLR.  

Your story is very similar to ours, in that my Wife had also always been privy and directly exposed to my being a driven and successful business owner and working at my company.  We've been married 23 years this fall and have lived in an acknowledged and committed Wife Led Marriage for the past 11 years.  Your girlfriend sounds very similar to where my wife was at the time and seems also to be on a similar path to finding bliss and joy in her life as her confidence, comfort and joy in life has exponentially increased (and still is) ever since she saw the benefit of and agreed to accept the complete submission, I offered to her then.  Neither of us could have imagined being more happily married than we are now.  

Posted by: @allabouther

Her pleasure comes from being in total control without guilt and by having her every sexual whim catered to.  My pleasure comes from knowing that I am giving her exactly what she wants at every single second and that she is free to feel no distraction from that joy because of some sense of obligation to reciprocate the physical attention.

I particularly loved this.  In two brief sentences you have masterfully explained the very essence, the very core of a truly loving WLM.  If she is able to gain more and more pleasure from her Dominance without guilt, and if he truly does get his pleasure from giving her what she wants/needs without distraction, it is a beautiful and natural existence.  In, one of the more recent recurring conversations She and I have is her ability to find more and more comfort in being absolutely selfish (yes selfish) in expecting and having exactly the kind and amount of sexual pleasure in her life ... whatever that may be.  Not too many years ago, She was actually to see and understand that I do indeed get my sexual pleasure from being essentially her human sex toy ... and as such, it has increased the intimate connection in our life and marriage a thousand-fold.  We are way more cuddly, kissy, snuggly than ever before in non-sexual situations.  Bliss for both of us!

Posted by: @allabouther

More and more, she has become comfortable letting go of the feeling she needs to reciprocate.  I have encouraged her to relax and enjoy every moment, including the “come down” after her orgasms.  She calls this period “bliss.”  And I have always felt that it detracted from the best possible pleasure for her if she had to distract herself from feeling that utter bliss to focus on me.  Sometimes she is so relaxed that she drifts off to sleep in my arms.  I have slowly gotten her to understand that I enjoy it when she feels confident and comfortable enough to allow all the focus to be on her. 

Again, another excellent example.

Posted by: @allabouther

She does enjoy giving me a release and she knows my time will come.  I have been trying to make her understand that when that time comes, I enjoy it more when the way, or if, I come is determined by what brings her pleasure.  So far, she has never denied me.  But, this weekend we crossed a new line that may be heading in that direction.

Our journey has accelerated too since the beginning.  So much so in fact that She has understood the benefit of semen/orgasm control and has even (in the last year) kept me mostly caged and has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced my orgasms.  Sounds terrible right?  Quite the contrary!!!  My last orgasm was in September and my last ejaculation was in November and even though that might sound daunting and awful, each year I have been able honestly say that the kind and amount of sex we have is amazing and the best each of us has had in our lives.  We have come to call her orgasms, our orgasms, and when 'we' have them, they are AMAZING for both of us.  It's amazing where a couple can go when the emphasis during sex is exclusively on her. 

Thank for a wonderful post and congratulations to you both on your wonderful existence together.  I look forward to seeing you around here in the future!

@janae me too!  i wish my Wife was more into receiving oral.  She mainly wants PIV.  Different Women are wired differently.  i'm always thrilled when She wants oral, but it isn't as frequent (wish She commanded me several times a day to pleasure Her orally).

I'm generally skeptical of long posts (grumpy old man syndrome), your story was a pleasant surprise and a very nice read.  Post more.    

Posted by: @sam

I'm generally skeptical of long posts (grumpy old man syndrome), your story was a pleasant surprise and a very nice read.  Post more.    

Ha ha.  I hear ya brother.  I agree, it was a very nice read.  Now, there's some kids on my lawn that I need to go yell at!

I think your story is a relatable one for many of the men here 

@sam  I hear you about being skeptical.  I have to admit that the first thing I thought after seeing my post once it was online was that it read something like an old Penthouse Forum letter, “I never thought I’d be writing to you about having sex with the entire UCLA cheerleading squad . . .” I can only offer one explanation and one excuse.  The long post is explained by the fact that I am a lawyer and just a little bit verbal.  The excuse is that Saturday’s event were so overwhelming in my mind, I just HAD to tell someone.  And this story is not exactly the kind of thing I can share with my buds at the brewery.  I had to dump all my thoughts and feelings and you guys got in the way.  Re-telling the story was a bit like pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Posted by: @allabouther

The excuse is that Saturday’s event were so overwhelming in my mind, I just HAD to tell someone.  And this story is not exactly the kind of thing I can share with my buds at the brewery.  I had to dump all my thoughts and feelings and you guys got in the way.  Re-telling the story was a bit like pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

I totally get it. I had one of those last night ? 

@subhubphx I am glad my story resonated with you.  I absolutely identify with your comment about helping your wife feel comfortable being more “selfish.”  My girlfriend and I have also talked about this very subject many times. 

My GF actually had an “Aha” moment during one of these conversations about a month ago when I used an example I read online one time.  I asked her to image and that we had six cookies in front of us; three chocolate chip with walnuts and three oatmeal raisin.  Her favorite cookie in the world is chocolate chip with walnuts.  I really don’t like nuts in my cookies (a texture thing).  I much prefer oatmeal raisin.  She thinks oatmeal raisin cookies are too sweet.

I asked her if she would feel like she was being selfish if I gave her all the chocolate chip cookies with nuts and kept all the oatmeal raisin for myself.  She said, “of course not.  You don’t even want the cookies with the nuts and you would get the ones that you like.”  “I said, “exactly.  You get all the cookies you want and I am thrilled to give them to you.”  Her eyes instantly widened and she gave me a look like I had helped her instantly solve a vexing math puzzle. 

Looking back, I can see that it was after this conversation that she really began to understand that my feelings were sincere and start coming into her own sexual dominance.

At the risk of making @sam more skeptical, I want to share about our Valentine’s day yesterday.  It was another step or two forward.

We each had left sweet cards on the other’s desk at work.  Mid-morning I was able to inconspicuously pull her into an empty office and give her a loving “kiss with purpose.”  Later, a bouquet of flowers was delivered for her that she loved and put out on her desk (she loves pink roses).  Later in the day, we were talking in a common area when my sister, who works in our firm, came up to me with a small Valentine’s goodie bag for me.  My GF matter-of-factly stated that if there were any chocolate chip cookies with nuts in the bag I had to give them to her.  We shared a knowing glance with each other and I gave her a kiss.  The comment went straight over my sister’s head.  After work, we went to dinner at a special invitation-only gourmet event hosted by an excellent local chef where my son provided the entertainment (he is an operatic baritone who is waiting for the world’s opera houses to emerge from COVID).

We returned to my house.  It was a cold night where we live, so I lit a candle in the bedroom and we climbed under the covers where she told me to hold her close and warm her body.  Holding became snuggling and cuddling, then talking and kissing.  Over 45 minutes we warmed ourselves and shared intimate thoughts.  I eventually asked her if we could talk about Saturday.  I told her how amazed I was that we were in our own world for almost three and a half hours.  I absolutely lost track of time.  I shared how powerful the intimacy was and how safely vulnerable she made me feel by asserting her control over what transpired.  Finally, I confessed that when she totally took control over my climax it blew my mind and led to an incredibly intense orgasm for me.  We talked about how the whole morning was “sex” and intimacy to me, although many other people would only view a part of it as having been “sex.”   I told her that Saturday morning was the best sex I had ever had in my life and how I was still floating on a cloud over it two and a half days later.  For her part, she told me how wonderful it was for her, too, and how she didn’t think it was possible for two people to fall deeper in love after being together for more than five years.

We continued to cuddle and talk, and she told me she felt herself going into her place of bliss even though she hadn’t had any orgasms.  Eventually, she told me to get naked and took a superior position over me to kiss me.  Then she climbed on top of me, trapping my erect penis between us, as she kissed me passionately and nibbled on my ears (it makes me melt). We stayed like this for another 15 or 20 minutes until she moved back to my side and into my embrace.  I would say we stayed like that for another 15 minutes when she said, “I bet you thought I fell asleep.”  I told her I thought she had.  She said, “no, I was just back in my state of bliss enjoying being here with you like this.”

Of course, it was Valentine’s Day, so I had hoped to be able to make love to her in the traditional way.  Numerous times while I was holding and cuddling her, I thought about asking her if I could please her.  Each time a realized that if she had wanted me to give her an orgasm she would have just told me so.  I knew she hadn’t because we were already doing exactly what she wanted.  Each time I reminded myself it was about putting her first, giving her what she wants, and allowing her to be in control, not “topping from the bottom.”  I figured we were done for the night, it was time for us to drift off to sleep and I was happy.

Then, she surprised me.  She said, “I have everything I want.  I feel totally content and satisfied.  But, you have my permission to jerk off to get your release.” I asked to confirm, “I do have your permission?”  She said, “yes.  I want you to come for me.”  I wrapped my right hand around my penis and began to stroke myself while I held her close to me in my left arm.  Then she told, “but you have to ask me for permission to cum.”  I almost came right then.  “If I tell you to stop, you have to stop,” she told me.  I said, “I promise I will tell you when I am getting close.”

She bad me bring myself to the edge 5 or 6 times and then stop each time.  By the end, I was literally shuddering I was so close to going over the edge.  Finally, she told me, “go, go, go.  Come for me now.”  Which I did.

She is getting into it, and I could not be happier.   

As my journey with my girlfriend has continued to accelerate over the last month, I have had a feeling in the back of mind that the "other shoe" was going to drop at any moment and the bubble of high hopes that I have been feeling recently was going to burst.  It is probably a defensive mechanism to protect myself from the possibility of a let-down in the case that my girlfriend suddenly changes course.  After all, I have been sexually submissive at heart for 59 years (or at least since I was a teenager).  Could I really have found someone who shares my desire for her to be in control?  It might be my fantasies running away with me, right?

It takes some maturity to really appreciate that if a man wants to live his own version of a great life, he must live with congruity between his beliefs and his actions.  Boy, that sounded like a lawyer, didn’t it?  Sorry.  Another person might more succinctly say that you are just a “poser” if you don’t walk the walk.  What this means to me is that I not only have to be true myself, but in matters that involve creating a relationship of extraordinary intimacy with my girlfriend, I MUST communicate my true feelings and encourage her to share her true feelings with me.  We have to be committed to allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other in order to really know that we can be safe in doing so.  If you are open and honest enough, you will eventually find that mutual level of comfort and to find out where the real limits are.

Up until recently, I have instinctively felt that my girlfriend really prefers a higher level of control than she has has “allowed” herself to show in the past.  But, what if that level of control is beyond what I have been explicitly asking her to take?  We have all heard, “be careful what you wish for.”  How do I really know that her real “perfect” level of control isn’t beyond the level I have been trying to encourage?  What if the thing that really cranks her engine is denying my orgasms, not just supervising them?  What if it maximizes her pleasure to have me under lock and key?  What if the kind of penetrative sex she really longs for is pegging me?

Now that she hasn’t really shown any hard limits on exercising control up to this point, I think I had better start thinking about what happens if she runs with this idea.

We were together again last night.  Once again, we lit a candle in the bedroom and spent 45 minutes in our “safe space,” shutting out the world, talking, cuddling, caressing, and kissing.  She wanted to talk about chocolate chip cookies with nuts.  She wanted reassurance that I don’t think she is being selfish if she sets the expectation that she will get what she wants.  As a part of that conversation, she apologized for not asking for any orgasms when we were making love on Valentine’s Day.  I told her not to apologize and shared with the fact that I had thought about asking her if she wanted me to pleasure her.  I told her that understood that she knew she could have had anything she wanted and if she didn’t ask for more than non-sexual intimacy it was because she was already getting exactly what she wanted.  Further, I hit the “topping from the bottom” point (although I didn’t use that phase), that to ask her if she wanted me to pleasure her would likely be taken as an attempt to show her that I wanted to do something more sexual and was subtly trying to apply pressure to get her to do what I wanted.

That part of the conservation went really well.  So, I decided to go a little bit farther and tell her how much it turned me on that she not only gave me permission to jerk off and supervised my masturbation that night, but that she told me outright that I couldn’t cum without her permission.  I am glad I did because she definitely made a mental note that giving me that direction was a significant step-up in control by her that was welcomed by me.  She told me to get naked and to remove her night shirt.  As I embraced her naked body, the conversation wound its way around again to talking about how great it was for both of us that her choice for herself was to have intimacy but no orgasms and a prolonged visit to her state of “bliss.”

Then she said, “that is not going to be enough tonight.”  At which point she look my hand and placed it between her legs.  I brought her to orgasm three times and she told me to “get inside her.”  She really got into the PIV sex and came so hard that she fell straight into her post-orgasmic state of bliss and was totally spent.

So, here is where the new ground was broken last night.  Of course, when she went limp as a rag, I withdrew and took up my favorite position beside her holding her in a close embrace.  She commented on the feeling of total relaxation and how she felt at the peak of personal pleasure.  I felt supremely satisfied, especially because she was confirming, out loud, the feelings I was hoping she was having.

Then she said to me, “you have your choice.  I want you to have a release.  You can either come inside me or jerk yourself off.”  I thanked her for the choice but asked her if I could ask her a question.  She said, “of course.”  “So, you want me to choose, but you know that what I want is to give you the greatest pleasure,” I said.  She said she understood.  “We both love that you are in your state of bliss,” I said.  “But, if I get inside of you and go for it, isn’t that going to push you out of that state of bliss?”  She answered, “you know.  You are right. I guess we both know that you’ll have to make yourself cum.”

So, I began, and she said, “remember, you have to ask me for permission to cum.”  I smiled and promised I would tell her when I got close.  She made me stop when I got to the edge several times.  During this period, she was holding me close and had her head on my shoulder.  It was wonderful.  I felt safe, secure, and totally loved.  Out of nowhere, she said to me, “I don’t know why I find it such a turn on to watch you masturbate.”  “Really,” I asked.  “Oh, yeah,” she said.  “It really turns me on.  You have my permission to come.”  After I did, I fell into my own state of bliss adn we drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

Good story,  your concerns are warranted,  which means you still have things to work out and agree too.  I thinks it's cool that some of your discussions occur while your both naked & on equal grounds so to speak.  You may want to put an agreement on place that goes for 6 months & you both agreed on what each person's parts are gonna be, what expectations you each have, & what your each agreeing to do for the other to keep your progress going in direction you both want to go. 

So long as we are communicating, I am sure it will all be good.  I hesitate to ask for a contract.  While it would satisfy my lawyerly urges, it feels like I would just be trying to control her.  The whole point to me is that I want to give up control and allow her to do whatever pleases her.

I look back at the things I have posted in this thread, and I see know that my thought have been a bit muddled.  I have to admit that this recent willingness on her part to allow herself to be “selfish” (hat-tip to @subhubphx) has really made me have to think and sort my own true feelings out.  I thought I understood my feelings down to pretty fine detail.  But now, I am thinking this is not the case.

From my position just a couple of months ago, there were a whole bunch of things that were beyond reality for me but seemingly lay in the same direction:  Having a sex life that is first, last, and always on my lover’s terms and for her pleasure; living a female-led relationship; being controlled sexually by my lover; being teased and denied orgasm; being forced to have ruined orgasms; being kept in chastity at my lover’s discretion; submitting to being pegged by my lover; accepting my lover having sex with another man (or woman!).

All of these things are consistent with female-dominated relationships.  But, that does not mean that they are all the same in every respect.  Just as all cardiologists are doctors, but not all doctors are cardiologists, all femdom may include sex being for a woman’s pleasure, but not all sex that is for a woman’s pleasure requires a femdom relationship.  Put another way; whips and chains always involve an exchange of power, but not all power exchanges involve whips and chains.  My point is not to say that any of these practices are inherently good while others are bad.  My point is to say that it is the motivations and goals of the couple that is important not the activity that is engaged in.

I think all, or at least most, of the activities I just listed have held a certain erotic appeal to me.  From my admittedly vanilla perspective, they were all consistent with both power exchange and femdom.  But was it a desire to be dominated that was attracting me, or was it a more simple desire for a power exchange?

I have been thinking about my own question as to what the extent of my girlfriend’s true feelings in this direction might be.  It has been established that we love allowing sex to be solely about her pleasure (and it brings her pleasure for me to orgasm).  But what about things like orgasm denial or chastity?  I bet my girlfriend would try these things, but I am pretty sure it would only be because she thought I was getting some super-powered charge out of it.  I expect she would give them a whirl because she really wants to please me.  But I expect that she would really feel that it was being done at her own expense because she would likely see it as having to put off her own pleasure for mine.  It might be that she would feel more satisfaction from giving me those pleasures than she would lose in her own pleasure.  But, to net the two pleasures out becomes some kind of calculus at that point, doesn’t it?

Gong to the extreme, I would certainly feel a power exchange if my GF were to cuckold me, but I simply cannot imagine that she would find any pleasure in it whatsoever.  In fact, I think to ask for her to do it would destroy the bond of mutual intimacy and devotion that we have worked so hard to develop.  So, when you boil it down, would these things really be mutually beneficial power exchanges (I am only talking about my GF and me),  or just me topping from the bottom?

For her part, I don’t think she is turned on by domination, administering pain, or humiliation.  I am pretty sure about that.  I think she gets pleasure from being pleasured and giving me pleasure.  I do think she really enjoys being in charge.  To her, I think it is about us both giving and receiving pleasure.

For my part, I think I am learning that I don’t really seek domination, pain, or humiliation, either.  Those things do involve an exchange of power.  But, as I said above, I think it would really be topping from the bottom to ask for such things from my GF.  I am developing a great sense of peace around the feeling that what I seek is to give her the gift of making her sexual whims my earnest desire, in part because I know she really likes the feelings that come with being in control.  While she gets her whims satisfied, I get liberated, in a sense, from always having to be in control and being the one responsible for everything.

At my law firm with 20 employees, on the non-profit boards where I serve, and even with my two children, the buck ALWAYS stops with me.  It is incredibly liberating to have someone that I so whole-heartedly trust to whom I can turn over 100% control of such a major and important aspect of my life, my sex life, and know that she gladly accepts the responsibility.  Amazingly, exchanging that power does not come at a cost to either of us.  It brings us together more intimately than ever.

She has been out of town with her two daughters for a long weekend.  I am picking her up from the airport tonight.  I expect an opportunity for us to get in our “safe space” together tonight where we can close out the world and talk.  I intend to share my thoughts about feeling liberated and hope she will open her heart to me as well.

Posted by: @allabouther

For her part, I don’t think she is turned on by domination, administering pain, or humiliation.  I am pretty sure about that.  I think she gets pleasure from being pleasured and giving me pleasure.  I do think she really enjoys being in charge.  To her, I think it is about us both giving and receiving pleasure.

Another excellent post my friend.  I have found that my Wife has evolved (see what I did there Emma?) over the 11 years or so we have lived our WLM.  In the beginning she was very much how you describe your girlfriend being.  Over time, as she began to fully understand that I do indeed get an immense amount of pleasure from her being "selfish" in her desires, she realized that she didn't have to worry so much (or even at all) about she may from time to time assume I may want ... earned orgasms, planned release, treats and so on.  She has evolved into a woman that is confident in the knowledge that she doesn't have to burden herself with worrying about being a fetish peddler for me, and that has allowed her to seek and find her bliss.  I hope that makes sense.

@subhubphx I hope that my marriage follows that exact same path.