My journey has been accelerating

This wonderful journey that my girlfriend and I are on has accelerated in the past few months due to some major changes in the way we have been communicating.  Looking back, I can see that has been a story about establishing and increasing a mutual sense of security.  The more secure we have felt, the more able we have been able to be vulnerable with each other.  The more vulnerable we have allowed ourselves to be, the more open we have become.  The more open we have become, the more mutual feelings we have discovered and the more we have been able to validate each other’s perspectives.  Being validated, makes us feel secure, and a wonderful feedback loop is established.

Increased security equals better communication.  Better communication equals an accelerating journey.

My girlfriend and I were talking about this when we were “making love” Saturday morning.  For us the term “making love” is used exclusively to refer to times of intense intimacy that do not involve having sex.  In our flr, sex may follow making love, but not necessarily.  Sex never occurs except following making love. 

She woke me up at 6:00 a.m. so we could spend time together in bed talking in our “comfortable zone” (what she called it today).  She started the coffee and after it was ready, I went down to the kitchen and brought two cups back up bed.  We had a wonderful and intimate conversation.  During our talk, we found two things about our new level of communication that are significant.  They both touch on non-verbal communication.

More specifically, we have discovered that our nonverbal communication has improved in that we no longer feel so inhibited about making those communications explicit and vocal.  We discovered that even though we may be communicating very effectively nonverbally, expressly validating the each other’s nonverbal communications really reinforces our mutual sense of security. We are both feeling more comfortable "going there."

For example, I arrived at my girlfriend’s house before dinner on Friday.  We were last together the previous Sunday night.  We both stated that we couldn’t wait to get into our “comfortable zone” and “make love.”  But my GF also made it clear, without saying it directly, that she was in the mood for sex.  By the time we had finished the wonderful meal she had prepared, it was late.  After I did the dishes, we went up to bed.  I was in just a t-shirt, and she was wearing one of my dress shirts with nothing underneath.  (I don’t think it is just me, but there are few things sexier than a beautiful woman in her man’s dress shirt and nothing else).

We snuggled and talked for more than an hour.  I could tell, however, that she was reconsidering wanting to have sex that night.  She was getting increasingly mellow and settled deeper and deeper into my arms.  Eventually, she drifted off to sleep as I held her.

Saturday morning she apologized for “spoiling the evening” last night. 

“What are you talking about?” I asked her.

“Well, I fell asleep before we could have sex,” she relied.

I will spare you the details of the conversation, but what she was really seeking was validation of our mutual agreement that she is free to decide if, when, and how we have sex.  Of course, I told her that even though I was horny (aren’t I always?), I found it much more satisfying to know I had created a place for her where she felt totally comfortable making the call to intensify the snuggling instead of having sex.  It was more satisfying to me because I knew it is exactly what she wanted, and that she felt no pressure to initiate sex just for my benefit.  It gave me an opportunity to reinforce that even though having orgasms with her is wonderful, I receive much more pleasure and find much more satisfaction in those times of heightened intimacy.  My highest sexual pleasure is becoming dissociated with my orgasms.

We have talked about this dynamic many times in the past and I get it that she was seeking validation.  I get it that she is still seek reassurance, or confirmation, of something that most women are not socialized or taught to expect from their men.  But, since she brought it up to talk about, I dug into it a little more.

“Do you think you left me frustrated?” I asked.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t my intention,” she said.

“Honey, I knew exactly what was happening, as it was occurring.  And it did nothing but make me feel more deeply satisfied.  There was no “frustrating” moment of “disappointment.”  We both wanted you to fall asleep in my arms last night,” I told her.

She said, “But, I knew all night that you wanted to have sex.”

“I did, absolutely,” I admitted.  “But think about it through from my perspective.  You had sent clear signals throughout the night that you wanted to have sex, too.  I could have acted on those signals and initiated sex, and I am sure you would have responded positively.  We both know you were sending signals that you initially wanted to have sex.  But I have learned to read you pretty well.  And I know that once you get in that peaceful place, your priorities and desires can change.  So, I intentionally did not initiate.”

“Because it is important to me that you have the control to decide what happens, even if you have hinted that you are interested in sex, I know I need to wait for you to initiate.  I have learned that you are getting the pleasure you want at the moment and that, at least at that moment, that pleasure does not involve having sex.  So, I decided not to initiate in order to give you more of what you obviously wanted.   If you suddenly decided you want something else, I would have been happy to provide it as soon as you told me.”

“So, I knew at the same time you did that you wanted to take your pleasure in the form of snuggling and not having sex.  I felt it happening and it made me feel great to give you exactly what you wanted.  I know it is not intuitive that my orgasms and my highest sexual pleasure are no longer necessarily connected.  It is that empathetic joy thing.  But when you do understand that you can see that I felt MORE satisfied having you fall asleep on my shoulder than if I had been allowed a release.”

My girlfriend knew what she was doing when she slowly abandoned the inclination for sex for the inclination to snuggle, and she knew it would be OK.  She just wanted some after-the-fact validation to reinforce that judgement.  But I don’t think she realized that I knew what was happening at exactly the same time she did, not just accepting it afterwards.

We also talked about another nonverbal communication that has been far more important to our flr.  We both recognize that the major leap ahead in our relationship has come from me surrendering 100% control of my orgasms and our sex life to her.  But, what has made it so magical for us is not that she is merely willing to assume that control for my pleasure, as if we are engaged in some kind of role-play, it is because she really gets off on having that control.  It is not just what I want, it is what she wants, too.                                  

But, she has never overtly stated that to me except when asked a direct question.  I have had to divine her true feelings from her nonverbal communications.  It is as clear as day to me that she wants to be in control, but she won’t just come out and say it.  Because she wasn’t brought up to see that sex could be about her pleasure or that anyone other than the man could be in charge, she has a hard time saying it out loud.  I think this also explains why she is uncomfortable with me calling her goddess or mistress.  She is who she is, and her desire to be in control is obvious to me.  The pleasure she gets from being in control is palpable, whether she says it out loud or not.

Like I said, I can bring it up and she will readily admit it when I point out what is so obvious to me.  She is just somewhat inhibited about explicitly stating it herself.  This also means that she has some inhibitions in acting on her true nature, although she is losing those inhibitions quickly.  This explains why I don’t know right now exactly how far her feelings go.  And I don’t think she knows either, for that matter.  She is all new to her and she is learning on the fly.  I think we just have to steadily explore the boundaries of her comfort zone and we will discover her ultimate level of control together as we go.

A year ago, she wouldn’t have thought about taking the reins in our sex life.  Four months ago, she had no idea that she would be happy to have me surrender to her all control of our sex life.  Three months ago, she didn’t know that she would get a sexual charge from insisting that I ask for permission to orgasm before I have my release.  For the past few weeks, she has been absolutely comfortable with owning all of my orgasms and knowing that she has 100% control of them even when we are apart.  Recently, she has told me she has plans to put me in handcuffs.

She is really coming into appreciate the sexual thrill that it gives her and me both for her to have me edge before an orgasm, or delay an orgasm.  I don’t think she is even aware of the concept of “orgasm denial” as a kink for some people but I am absolutely expecting her to employ this in our flr before too long.  It won’t be because it is a “kink” or because she wants to get away with being mean to me.  It will because she will see that it is a way to use her control to enhance both of our pleasures.

She took a small step in that direction yesterday and we talked about it openly.   The communication was so spontaneous and comfortable, it was awesome.  It is easiest for me to tell you what happened if I tell you about the sex she guided us through Saturday morning.  For those with the prurient interest in our journey, here is what you have been waiting for.

After three hours of “making love,” sharing coffee, and talking, she took charge and signaled it was time for her to get the sexual pleasure she had been craving. She rolled on top of me spread her legs across me and began kissing me powerfully.  I was hard, but she did not put me inside of her.  Instead, she told me to touch her.  All that “making love” is great foreplay.  She was already incredibly wet.  I brought my fingers to my face to smell her scent and I licked her wetness from my fingertips.  I told her that her scent was incredible.

She stopped kissing me, sat upright, and moved up.  She stradled my head and forcefully pressed her pussy into my face.  It was incredible.  I would happily die being smothered by her pussy.  She had total control of her pleasure as she variously spread her knees to press down, rotated her hips to grind her pussy against my face, and lifted herself up to achieve a lighter touch.  She rode my face through two strong orgasms and then another that was either “one or five depending on how you count.”

She rolled off my face and onto her back beside me.  She spread her legs.  Breathing too hard to speak, she simply nodded her head toward her pussy and I knew what I was to do.  I brought her to three more orgasms with my hand, each with an increasing intensity.  The morning coffee had caused me to need a break to use the bathroom.  I told my girlfriend I would be back right away so that we could share her “big one.”

When I returned, she told me that was still sensitive from her last orgasm and skill coming down.  She told me she wanted me to jerk off for her to get her turned on.  I did as I was told and kissed her passionately as the pressure of my climax was building.  She heard my breath changing and she ordered me to stop.  I ceased stroking immediately and she told me to return my attention to her.

Apparently, the little show I was putting on for her was having the desired effect.  She was freshly wet when I returned my fingers to her pussy.  I started the climb to bring her to her first edge.  When I got there I paused and she said, “Now you.  But no cumming and tell me when you get close.  After I have my have my big one, you are going to jerk yourself off for me while I finger myself to another orgasm.”

I said, “I think I see where this is going.”

“Oh, yeah,” she said, “Where?”

“You’re going to have me drive myself closer to edge as you go up through each of your plateaus.  Then you are going to make me stop altogether while I focus on giving you your big one.  You are going to make me wait until your clit stops being too sensitive to touch, and you are going to drive me crazy by making me watch you finger yourself.”

“Oh, you’re not just another pretty face,” she said, laughing.

And so we went.  Each time I stopped after bringing her to an edge, she had me stroke myself to another edge.  Only I knew I was building her to a crashing peak, and she was pushing me to the point where she was going to leave me hanging indefinitely.

By the time she was on the plateau after the seventh time I brought her to the edge, I was at a hair trigger, dripping precum like a leaking faucet, and steadfastly being denied permission to cum.  I concentrated on delivering her orgasm and my penis just throbbed with every beat of my heart.  She had a massive orgasm that seemed to go on forever.  I looked at her and smiled as she recovered.

She was clearly still very turned on because almost immediately she began fingering herself.  “Jerk off and cum with me,” she instructed me.  Watching her masturbate was so hot that I was back on the edge in no time.  Her breathing was already irregular, so I asked, “Are you going to cum?” 

“Yes.  I’m cumming now!” she groaned.  That triggered my own orgasm.  I barely had time to ask for and get permission to cum before I erupted.  It was a wonderful and powerful orgasm.  We held each other and talked quietly for 15 minutes before we got up to start our day.

She played me like a fiddle.  She was in total control of our entire session and she showed more comfort that ever before in controlling and delaying my orgasm.  I can sense that it won’t be long before she finds that it will please her to deny me altogether until our next session.

The sex that she guided us through yesterday morning was incredibly satisfying for me.  I know it was for her too because after I had returned to my house, she started a chat with me.  She shared how wonderful our love making was, both Friday night and Saturday morning. 

Then she asked me if I wanted another release.  She said, “You have my permission.”  As we continued to chat, it became clear that she not simply giving me permission to have a release sometime last night.  She was instructing to jerk off for her right then for her pleasure.

She switched from chat to the phone to take more control.  She told me to lock my bedroom door, etc.  I asked, “Why don’t we do it together?”   She agreed, and we had phone sex.  A first for both of us.  Phone sex is a whole new level of communication.

My girlfriend has taken her teasing to a new level. 

She has been enjoying her control over my orgasms and has been exploring how to incorporate teasing into her repertoire to enhance pleasure for both of us.  Since she has accepted control of all of my orgasms, I have been permitted orgasm in only two ways.  First, I am permitted PIV sex when she asks for it, but I may only cum inside of her with her permission.  Second, and more commonly, she may instruct me to jerk off for her.  When she does, she always supervises my masturbation, and I may only have an orgasm with her express permission.   I have only been allowed to cum in her mouth once during our entire six-year relationship, and that was in the summer of 2020.  I literally cannot remember the last time she gave me a hand job.

She will touch me if I ask her to do it so she can see how hard she has made me.  Occasionally, she will touch my penis to guide it inside her pussy or fondle my balls when I masturbate for her.  I understand that some of the joy she gets out of being in control of our sex life includes not having to worry about doing any of the work to give me pleasure.  Her arm or mouth can get tired.  She enjoys having me cum for her, but she much prefers not having to do the work to make me cum.  In fact, she pretty much confines her efforts to those that directly give her pleasure. 

In the past two months, it has become standard operating procedure that she incorporates edging into my supervised masturbation.  She likes the fact that it makes my orgasms more intense when they happen.  She also likes the rush it gives her to know that she can control me even when I am at my animalistic peak.  Last weekend, she went a bit further.  She had me edge numerous times to the point that I was on the very brink.  She then had me stop masturbating and return my complete focus to her pleasure thereby indefinitely delaying my ejaculation.  That was a new benchmark for her teasing and delay of my orgasm.

Today, she took it up a notch by expressly denying me permission to have an orgasm until she is with me in person and gives me direct permission.

I have surrendered control of all my orgasms to my girlfriend.  Not being allowed to cum without her permission has reduced the frequency of my orgasms to 1 or 2 per week.  I am on the honor system without a device.  While my girlfriend is always on my mind and I am constantly aroused, I do not feel an uncontrollable desire to cum that could overpower my commitment to retain.  I am sure that this would be much more difficult if I had to go significantly longer without release.  But, fortunately, so far, I have not had to try.

Because it turns my girlfriend on to know that I am longing for release, I am allowed to ask for permission to masturbate myself to orgasm when we are not together.  She is under no obligation, of course, to grant that permission, however.  As I do not want to come off as a needy whiner or as a pest, I have only asked for permission once and it was granted.  A couple of times, she has granted me permission without me having asked first.  But, she has never denied me permission to come.  Until tonight, that is.

We were talking by telephone at the end of the day today.  She told me she loved me and asked me how I was doing.  I told her that between thinking of her all the time and not being allowed to orgasm for four days, I was as horny as a teenager.

She laughed.  “No orgasm for you,” she said.  “You have to wait until we see each other.”

“Alright,” I replied. 

“I’m being selfish.  I like it when you cum with me and I want you at your peak performance when I see you next.  You are not to cum until we are together again.”

I told her, “You are so hot.  I love it when you exercise your control over me.”

“Good night, lover,” she told me.  “You are to think of me last thing before you go to sleep and first thing when you wake up in the morning.”

Oh, I will.

It's interesting that you say it drives you wild doing your self for her, I think most guys would say it's way hotter & way more exciting having our partner stroke us, it feels sooo different,  if she knew it would make you even more frustrated if she did it, I'm betting she would participate more. Don't get me wrong being made to masturbate in front of her either fully clothed or naked is still hot & can feed the humiliation fantasy too. Enjoy your journey & her leadership.  

@jd3064169 I quite agree.  She is all about pleasing me.  Once she realizes that she can tease me to a higher level of pleasure than I can myself, I think she will be all over it.  But I think her mind is fully occupied with two things right now.  First, she is reveling in being “selfish” and allowing her pleasure to be the sole focus of the sex we have.  This is a very big change for her.  Second, she is learning to fully appreciate that teasing is not being mean.

She has already come a long way with both these things.  I must constantly be mindful of “the curse of knowledge.”  I have been thinking, reading, and fantasizing about men surrendering complete control of their orgasms to women for years.  I believe that she will find more personal satisfaction in taking direct physical control of teasing me.  I am sure I will find her teasing better and more frustrating if she takes matters into her own hands.  But I must let her get there on her own.

I could coach her, which smacks of topping from the bottom, but I must admit that I really enjoy the dynamic that is currently happening when she supervises my masturbation.  I wouldn’t say it is a humiliation aspect that gets me going.  I would say that it is the verbal confirmation of her acceptance, and exercise, of total control that I find so erotic.  It probably goes back to me being a lawyer and the power that spoken words can have for me.  Supervised masturbation is enough for me now and I am enjoying the ride, so to speak.  I have had so many dashed hopes before in my life that I know better than to make the perfect the enemy of the good.

Besides, I am almost 100% certain that she will stumble onto the truth of what you say on her own.  She has set herself on a collision course.  I don’t think she sees how it will end, but I think I do.  As she (i) more fully starts to act out on her authority (which is already starting to happen), (ii) comes to understand that teasing is a wonderful gift and not an act of meanness (which is also already happening, as I will explain in a minute), and (iii) she acts on her fantasy (that she has already told me about but is still too inhibited to act upon) of restraining me or putting me in handcuffs, she will find herself at a nexus where she will not be able to take control and tease me unless she takes direct physical control.  And my experience is that people learn lessons much better when they learn them for themselves.  So, I will wait and enjoy watching it develop.

I’ll give you an example of how my girlfriend is better understanding that teasing is all about giving pleasure and not about being mean.  I took her to lunch today.  We talked business and while we were walking back to the office we had some personal time together.  We came to some stairs, and as she started to climb them I pulled on her hand so that she had to turn around to face me.  I am about 8 or 9 inches taller than her, so when she stands one step above me we are in a perfect position to talk intimately to each other and kiss.

When she was facing me, I embraced her and we locked our eyes on each other’s.  I thanked her for denying me last night and told her how exhilarating it was to be teased by her.  She said, “It really wasn't being mean.  It was just foreplay.”  She nailed it right on the head and she came to that eloquent understanding on her own.

I am sure she has heard of “mean girls” who are “cock teases.” And she does not see herself that way in her mind’s eye.  But she absolutely sees herself as someone who give her best in foreplay because that is the opposite of being mean.  It is being loving.

So, throughout the day she has shared her vision for our date tomorrow.  We are not going to go out.  She has told me I am going to make her a picnic dinner and we are going to take it to my room where we will get into our intimate space, share the meal by candlelight and soft music, talk and “make love.”   Among other things, she described to me how I will be dipping my shrimp into cocktail sauce placed on her body, not on a plate, and sipping champagne from her belly button.  She also told me there will be sex.  She told me to make sure that I steamed the shrimp without seasoning because didn’t want any spices caught under my fingernails or stuck on my finger tips from peeling the shrimp.  She doesn’t want any spices coming into contact with anything they shouldn’t.

Of course, it is fun to hear her say such things.  The best part, however, is that these are obviously all ideas she has been thinking of all throughout the week.  It excites me to know that while we have been away from each other that she has thinking about our next opportunity to be intimate together, just like me.  The fact that her thoughts are more romantic and less graphic than mine only serves to excite me more.

If anyone wants to hear how she handles tomorrow night, let me know and I will be glad to share.

I feel like a kid who got a gold star from teacher.  In the midst of dealing with her recovery, Emma liked my post about my girlfriend's first "denial."

@jd3064169  It is almost as if my girlfriend read your last post.

She came prepared for our bedroom picnic with a plan in mind and brought “breakfast for dessert.”  In fact, she was so turned on by her plan that she told me that she wanted to have dessert before dinner.  She brought a chocolate glazed donut that she intended to enjoy eating from around my penis. 

Once we were set up in the bedroom with our picnic dinner, candles, and music, she told me to get naked and get on the bed.  She told me to lie back and keep my hands to myself.   She then proceeded to give me a wonderful blowjob to bring me to a full erection.  Next, she had to create a bigger hole in the center of the donut to get it over my hard cock.  As she expected, during the process chocolate icing from the donut got everywhere and she began to lick it off my cock and balls.

It felt wonderful, but I lasted longer than the donut did.  I don’t think she intended to bring me off with her blowjob.  I think the whole idea was to be a fun tease.  Once she had cleaned me up, she moved up next to me and we shared our picnic.  We spent several hours talking and “making love.”  The entire time I was naked, and she was wearing my dress shirt with nothing underneath.

At one point in our conversation, she thanked me for helping her develop her natural desire to be in charge.  We talked about so many important things.  We talked about how comfortable and secure we both feel on this journey we are taking together.  She told me that she has never felt that I am pushing her into anything or pushing her out of her comfort zone.  She described it as being more like I have opened a door and she is stepping through the door on her own as far as she feels comfortable. 

She openly recognizes that she can go further with this idea of sex being for her pleasure and having total control of my orgasms.  She says she wants to explore going further.  She says we have not even come close to an activity that she isn’t comfortable with.  It is simply a matter of her overcoming her own inhibitions.  She told me that she is enjoying breaking them down but feels very safe doing so at her own pace. 

Like many men who worry about introducing their wives or girlfriends to female-led relationships, I was concerned that I was going to turn her off with my ideas or irrevocably damage her view of me as a “real man” who could be an acceptable/suitable life partner.  I was ecstatic to learn that the opposite has actually been the case.   She confessed that the changes I have been encouraging in our personal life and sex life are making her feel more complete as a woman and allowing her to be truer to her real self. 

I always talk about how putting her in control is liberating to me.  As she explains it, it is obvious that she feels liberated by being able to take complete control over such important aspects of our lives.  As a result, she feels we are both being more honest about being our true selves and that there are fewer barriers between us.  She confessed that until we started with these changes last fall, she had hesitations about believing we could really be complete matches for each other.  She says all those hesitations are now gone, and that she has never had another man make her feel so complete as a woman.  She didn’t ask me to marry her, but it was such an intimate moment, I was half expecting her to do it.

We shared two bottles of champagne and some great food.  She really enjoyed it when I drank my bubbly from her belly button.  Once I had licked up all the champagne, she told me, “Lick my pussy.”

Since I had not had the pleasure of breathing in her incredible scent for an entire week, I lingered between her legs and ate her through five orgasms.  As she was mellowing into her state of bliss while she came down from her orgasms, I moved to her side and held her in my arms. After I brought her to two more orgasms, including one of her “big ones,” she told me, “I want to feel you inside of me.  I want to feel you cum inside of me.”

I have to say it was pretty difficult to keep from coming long enough for her to have a couple of orgasms with me inside of her.  Between retaining for a week and the earlier blowjob, I was quickly on the edge.  But having to slow and down and pace myself allowed her to have several mild, rolling orgasms.  We finally climaxed together after she gave me permission to cum.

On Saturday morning she awoke with a slight headache because it is allergy season and we had slept with the windows open.  She told me she did not want to come again, but she wanted to enjoy me having an orgasm for her.  She told me to jerk off for her while she snuggled with me and fondled my balls.  She made me stop at the edge several times and I wondered if she might deny my orgasm and make me wait until we see each other again next week.  But she didn’t.  She told me she wanted to see me cum on her belly.  I finished on her stomach and after coming down from my orgasm in her arms, I got up to make her coffee.

My girlfriend passed a new milestone this morning.

It is fun watching my girlfriend progress in the free exercise of her control over our sex life and my orgasms.  While she absolutely gets off on the control, her actions are tempered by her compassion for me. 

Our progress is now 100% in her hands.  My role seems to have evolved into providing positive reinforcement as she confronts her inhibitions.  What I am saying is, in her mind she desires and enjoys being in complete control, but it has not yet become automatic for her to disregard her long-held inhibitions.  What is cool, however, is that she will petty freely put them out there for us to talk about.  How she handled our time together last night and this morning is a great example.

We have not been together since Tuesday when I was permitted my last release.  She came over to my house last evening so we could attend the opening night of a new city club that we have joined.  This place is awesome.  It has thousands of square feet of gym space with state-of-the-art equipment, spin classes, a dojo with Krav Maga and Gracie jiu-jitsu, totally off-the-hook shooting ranges, and a private members-only lounge with outside seating that includes a walk-in cigar humidor, pool tables, and a first-class restaurant with long wine and bourbon lists.

We got to the club and found a comfortable place to settle in by a fire pit on the outside deck.  We both ordered cigars (yes, she did too), and drinks.  I had a WhistlePig rye on the rocks and she had a cosmo she described as “perfect.”  Ok, maybe we had more than one.  After a while, we moved inside to take over one of the pool tables.  They kept our drinks coming and I felt overwhelming joy watching her break for the first game and almost run the table.  She kicked my ass.  I might have gotten two balls in before she sank the 8-ball in the corner pocket.  She told me to rack up the balls then she broke for the second game.  From the outset, she had control of this game, too.

About halfway through the game, it was apparent that she was crushing me again, although I had managed to sink a few shots myself.  She pushed me up against the wall, kissed me hard, and said, “You’re not letting me win, are you?  You know how competitive I am, and it is no fun if you let me win.”

I assured her that while I wished I could say that I was letting her win, she was kicking my ass because she is just way better than me.  But I promised to put up the best fight I could.  She smiled and reached between my legs to give my cock and balls a squeeze.  She gave me another hard kiss and turned back to the pool table.  The second game stretched on as we traded turns and paused several times to chat with other new members of the club.  I think her cosmos started to have an effect, and I got lucky when she scratched on the 8-ball.  I told her that I thought that meant that I won the game.  She started to argue but said, “That’s fine.  Best two out of three!”

I racked them up for the third game and luckily knocked a ball in on the break giving me a good start.  I have 9 inches in height and 100 pounds on her, but she was keeping pace with me drink for drink.  As a result, my physical stature alone started to help me out as the alcohol affected her more quickly than me.  She narrowly missed a few shots and I started to gain the advantage.  She could see her control of the game slipping and she accused me of trying to get her drunk so I would have a chance of winning.

I replied, “I am definitely doing better the more you drink, but you have ordered every one of your drinks for yourself.”

I ended up narrowly winning and we adjourned to the dining room.  We shared a wonderful bottle of wine and enjoyed a meal of oysters on the half-shell, chilled lobster, duck, quinoa and couscous salad (amazing), and seared scallops.  We agreed that it was the best meal either of us have had in a long time. 

We had a great time at the new club.  Despite her sexual forwardness during the evening, by the time we crawled into bed, I knew she wasn’t going to want to do more than cuddle and talk.  Even that only lasted a short while before she was asleep on my shoulder while my penis remained erect and untouched.

I adjusted to hoping that she would want to have sex in the morning.  But this was not a sure thing as I knew she had plans to meet her girlfriends for a picnic at a winery today.  This meant she needed to be up and out early so she could drive home, get to the store to get what she needed for the picnic and meet her friends by noon.

She slept in a little bit until about 7:30. I woke up hearing her talking to her daughter on her phone.  I knew that I was going to have any chance for sex I was going to have to eliminate all the time pressures on her that I could.  I got up to make her coffee and returned to be just as she finished her phone call.

We began to snuggle and kiss.  This is when she started directing our conversation to politely seek the reassurances that she was looking for.  She brought up a number of things, very well knowing the answers, and checking to make sure that I was going to respond in the right way.  For example, she started with, “I wasn’t a very good girlfriend last night.”

“Why would you say that?” I replied.  “We had a perfect date.”

“Because you took me out for a fantastic evening and we didn’t make love when we got home,” was what she replied.

So, I reaffirmed how I got great pleasure from creating an environment that clearly brought her pleasure and repeated that the emotional satisfaction and intimacy that I feel when we “make love” without having sex exceeds the pleasure I get from having an orgasm. 

We didn’t discuss it further.  She just wanted to see if I was going to stand by my previous assurances.  It was then that I could see the wheels really begin to turn in her head.  I smiled because I could see that she was thinking.  Once she had gotten me to reiterate that I am opening the door to her having complete control of our sex life and my orgasms, the only question remaining was how far is she going to walk through the door given her bothersome inhibitions.

She started, “My mind is already going a mile a minute thinking about getting together with my girlfriends today.  I’ve got to get going.  This can't be one of our long sessions.  We don’t have time to make love for three hours this morning.  But I do want you to cum for me.”

Like so many other times, I had to face the question of responding to what she was saying as opposed to what I know she wanted.  This is a tough question because there is a fine line between encouraging her to embrace her control and topping from the bottom.  But she has told me that she wants to overcome her inhibitions and feels safe and loved by having me help her.  I decided I should test a little. 

To my ear, she said two entirely different things:  First, she had very little time for intimacy because she was already focused on her get-together with her girlfriends, and second, she was only saying she wanted me to cum for her because she knew I was horny, and she wants to give me pleasure.  So, I decided to test the theory.

“Of course, you make the decisions, and you can have whatever brings you pleasure.  But may I ask a question? I asked.

“Sure,” she said.

“I think what you want is a little more intimacy, but that you really don’t want me to come for you.  You just know that I want to cum and you think it will give me pleasure if you let me jerk off for you.”

Her reply was, “I feel selfish if I don’t let you come when I know you want to, and we didn’t get to have sex last night.” 

So, there it was, that old inhibition.   She didn’t want me to cum because it would bring her pleasure.  She wanted me to cum because she felt obligated to allow it.  But, she didn’t play any games.  She just put it out there.  Just this open communication alone, coming so easily, made me very happy.

Her statement gave me the chance to remind her that I get my greatest satisfaction from knowing that she is getting her greatest pleasure regardless of whether sex or an orgasm for me is involved.  This is such a well-established principle that we don’t have to explore it anymore.  She was just testing to see if I still stand by my word on the subject. 

But my Spidey-sense told me there was more.  She didn’t say that she had no time for intimacy.  She implied that she didn’t have MUCH time for intimacy.  Maybe she wanted to tease me as well as deny me.  I decided to test the theory.

“But we have agreed, haven’t we, that the only consideration about sex is that it is all for your pleasure?  It seems to me like you have three choices.  One, you could have me jerk off for you.  Two, you could deny me until we are together again on Monday night, which would be like foreplay that we both agree we love.  Or three, you could really ramp up the foreplay by teasing me for a while and then denying me until we are together again.  Which one would give you the greatest pleasure?”

I knew her answer right away because she didn’t even touch on the first two options.  She ignored them and went straight to number three.  And what did she want to talk about?  Another one of those old inhibitions.

“But that seems so cruel.  And I don’t want to be cruel,” she said.

“How can foreplay be cruel?” I said.  “We agree about how turned-on we both get, even when we are apart, when you tease me and make me hot for you.  Remember when you were having me repeatedly edge myself when I was jerking off for you last week and you told me to tell you how it feels?  Do you remember how I described it?”

“Excruciatingly wonderful,” we both said at the same time, smiling.  Inhibition disposed of.  At least for today.

With that, she pushed me back on the bed, and said “lie back.”  She moved between my legs and started administering an incredible blowjob.   It was divine.  Just as I was approaching the point of no return, she opened her mouth and let go of my penis, saying, “OK, that’s it.  I’ve got to get going.”

Oh, my goodness.  I was on the edge of desperation.  The only chance I thought I might have for more intimacy was to offer her direct pleasure.

As she climbed up my body to give me a kiss, I begged, “Please let me make you cum!  I will make it wonderful for you!”

“No.  I am leaving.  But what are you doing tonight?  Will you be at home?  Maybe I’ll call you for phone sex.”

“Both of us?” I almost whimpered.

“Yes.  We’ll see.  Now go put my coffee in a travel mug.”

The first actual tease and denial.  I date I will never forget.

Do you guys like it when I share these stories, or would you prefer it if I just summarized the points?

@allabouther 

Congratulations! Another step forward. Sounds like a grest evening and very cool club.

I had a wonderful call with my girlfriend tonight. 

She told me about her day visiting wineries with her girlfriends and I told her about my day. 

My copy of She Comes First, by Ian Kerner arrived today.  I was already about a third of the way through the book when she called.  It is a great read so far and I am sure I will finish it before the weekend is over.  I recommend it to followers of Evolving Your Man. 

My girlfriend finds it fascinating that I am so committed to making sex about her pleasure.  She has never known a man who simply refused to come before she does, wanted her to be in control of all of his orgasms, or who knew how to give her so much sexual pleasure.  She often asks me why I am this way.  At first, she was pushing back because she simply didn’t believe what I was telling her.  I am not saying that she was accusing me of lying.  She just thought I must have been exaggerating or embellishing.  Now, she says she absolutely knows this is the real me because we have been living it long enough with complete consistency that it cannot be a put-on.

Now she asks out of curiosity.  She is just trying to figure out if I am unique or if there are other men who subscribe to the same philosophy.  She is learning to love our new flr on her own, but when I show her something in the mainstream media that validates what I am saying, it makes it that much easier for her to fully accept what I am offering.

Whenever she asks why it is that I insist that she have all the orgasms she wants before I ask for permission to cum, I always explain that it never occurred to me that it should be any other way.  First, it is simple “ladies first,” courtesy.  Second, given the hormonal changes that occur to men after orgasm, any man who has his orgasm and rolls over to go to sleep before his lady is satisfied should be ashamed of himself for his selfish behavior.  He certainly shouldn’t consider himself a good or thoughtful lover by any stretch of the imagination.

When she asks about how I learned to do the things that give her pleasure, I also have two things to say.  First, it is probably just trial and error.  Second, the simple fact that she knows that I am so honestly invested in giving her pleasure probably makes her more relaxed and more responsive to whatever I am doing even if I am not very good at it.

So, I bought She Comes First so she could see proof from a mainstream book that there are other men who not only want their ladies’ pleasure to come first but who also believe that making all sex about the woman’s pleasure is the key to maximizing both partner’s pleasure.  I also thought that reading a book on the finer points of cunnilingus certainly couldn’t hurt my desire to be capable of giving the best possible head that I can.

I shared with my GF some of the great things I had already found in the book, and it spurred a long conversation about how much we are enjoying the fact that we both want her to be in control of our sex life.  We talked about her gradually tearing down her inhibitions.

I even made the same points I made in my last post.  I reminded her of some things she said when we were talking in bed this morning; how she apologized for not being a good date, how she said she feels selfish if she doesn’t allow me to have an orgasm every time I am horny, and how it would be cruel of her to tease me and deny me an orgasm.  I told her I didn’t think she really thought those things.  I told her I thought she just wanted to hear me repeat the fact that I get my pleasure from her pleasure, and that teasing and denial is excruciatingly wonderful foreplay, not selfish cruelty.

She said I was right.  She said saying those things to me was her way of dealing with her inhibitions.  She knew what I was going to say.  It just makes her more comfortable to hear me say them.  She went on, “I think it has everything to do with intent.  If your purpose is to be mean, then you are being selfish and cruel.  But if your purpose is to bring pleasure and extend foreplay, then you are being loving.”

I told her I agreed and that I thought it was fantastic that she feels comfortable putting inhibitions out there and talking about them rather than keeping them pent up inside where they can only perpetuate.

Then my GF brought up something we haven’t talked about for a few weeks.

“You know how I told you that I was uncomfortable with you calling me your ‘Queen’ because it implied that I was in a position to abuse power over you?” she said.

“Yes, I remember.”

“I have decided that you may call me your ‘Queen,’” she said.

I asked, “What has made you decide that?”

“Because you really do treat me like your ‘Queen.’  You show me every day that you are devoted to me,” she said.

“It won’t make you feel weird?” I replied.

“No.  It will make me feel special and loved.”

She went on, “And no phone sex tonight.  You’ll have to wait until Monday.”

She teased me on the phone for an hour and denied me again.  It feels excruciatingly wonderful.

You're on a roll buddy!

The best $12.51 I have ever spent was on buying the book She Comes First.  I have seen a number of references to the book before, and @restrainedlove mentioned it last week in the “He says we are incompatible?” thread.  Amazon delivered it to my front door at noon on Saturday and I had finished the book by Sunday evening.

I’m not going to write a review because that is not what this thread is for.  Not to mention that, knowing me, the review would be as long as the book.  I will simply say that while the book is not about kink in the least, it absolutely affirms the proposition that the greatest sexual pleasure a couple can achieve comes from making the woman’s pleasure the object of the exercise.  It also serves as a “how-to” manual for the person who wants to know how to best deliver that sexual pleasure to his woman, especially through cunnilingus.  At its most elemental, the author recommends that you consciously break your attention into three phases, Foreplay, Coreplay (this is where cunnilingus comes in), and Moreplay.

I had my first chance to apply what I learned in reading the book last night.  Your mileage may vary, but I can tell you that my girlfriend’s review could be provided in one word, “Wow!”  That is all she said when we were finished.  And we never got to the cunnilingus!  So, instead of a review, I will provide a teaser.  Did you know that there is a nerve that connects a woman’s upper lip to her clitoris?  We really focused on Foreplay last night, and I swear to God I brought my girlfriend to a soft orgasm by gently sucking on her upper lip.  No shit.  100% truth.  The reason we never got to the cunnilingus and other Coreplay is that the final orgasm she had during Foreplay was so explosive that she was totally spent.  She told me that she was still feeling orgasmic sensations for half an hour after we finished.

My advice to any man who is interested in the subject matter of this website:  Buy the book, read it, and apply it for the pleasure of your woman.

Our conscious focus on Foreplay led to two fantastic things last night.  Sharing the ideas in the book really intensified the intimacy and openness we were feeling for one another.  As a result, I felt bold enough to ask my girlfriend how she felt about teasing and denying me on Saturday morning. 

She smiled a wicked smile, from ear to ear, and actually buried her head in my shoulder.  “I can’t look you in the eye and tell you.”

“There are those inhibitions again!” I said.  “Go ahead.  You can look me in the eye and tell me.”

She looked me straight in the eye and exclaimed, “It was exhilarating!  It was awesome, but in an evil way.  Not truly evil, more like a little bit wicked.  You know what I mean.  It made me feel super-powerful.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day.”

“I knew it!” I said.  “I just knew I could see into your true heart that you would get off on it.”

She told me that when she was halfway home, she thought that she should turn around to give me my release.  “But, then I decided not to.  I decided I wanted to let the pressure build.”

The whole session did nothing but increase the bond I feel with my girlfriend.  It pushed me to do something I never thought I would do.

When it came time for my release, my girlfriend told me I was to jerk off for her, but she was going to tease me like she never had before.  She made me tell her when I was getting to the edge.  She instructed me to stop and cool down a little bit each time.  After my third edge, she took me into her mouth and brought me to the edge again.  Then she switched to giving me a handjob.  She made me confess when my orgasm was close several more times before finally giving me permission to cum on her sexy belly.  It was a wonderful release, especially after a week of retaining with some tease and denial thrown in.

As I was coming down from my high, I had an overwhelming feeling.  I told her, “I’m going to do something that may surprise you.”  Then I leaned over and licked up the cum I had sprayed from her pussy hair to her breasts.

She smiled a sheepish grin.  “Why did you do that?”

I told her, “When I was close to cumming in your mouth this morning, I couldn’t help but think about that guy you told me about who forced you to take his cum into your mouth when you were in college.  He obviously didn’t care about you.  He only cared about his own pleasure.  I felt like I needed to show you that I only care about your pleasure and that I love you so much I would gladly take my cum into my own mouth to show you my devotion.”

She kissed me gently and we lay in each other’s arms for about 15 minutes, saying nothing, until she fell asleep on my shoulder.

As a bonus, when her alarm went off at six o’clock this morning, she rolled into a spooning position with me where she could feel my erection against her back.  I asked her for permission to make love to her before she started her day.  She gave me permission on the condition that I take no more than 15 minutes and that I make her coffee afterward.  Deal!

She chose to have me touch her, so once again I was not able to go down on her.  She had a nice orgasm and told me to give her her first shower of the day.  She supervised me in every step of my masturbation for her, forcing me to edge myself several times before she gave me permission to cum across her stomach and chest.

As you can guess, I cheerfully went downstairs to make her coffee with a splash of Bailey’s Irish cream.

Last week my girlfriend teased and denied me and I love it.  This week she used her control over my orgasm in a compassionate way that was also to my benefit.

Giving my GF 100% control over all of my orgasms has been a hugely powerful thing in my life.  One aspect is that it has opened the door to us both experiencing the exhilaration of her being able to heighten and extend our foreplay by teasing me and denying me an orgasm until it suits her. But another aspect is that it has removed the opportunity for me to use masturbation as a tool to alleviate stress.  

Running my law firm can sometimes be extremely stressful.  There are days that can be almost overwhelming and go on for 18 or 20 hours.  Winding down after a day like that, especially when you need to get some well-needed sleep and do it all over again in a few hours, can be very difficult.  One tool I have always had at my disposal is the ability to rub one out.  I has nothing to do with sexual desire (maybe it is some kind of Alpha male thing about responding to the challenge by spreading my seed) but it can absolutely cut the stress quickly and accelerate the process of winding down.  And it is certainly more healthy than knocking back three double bourbons in fifteen minutes.

My girlfriend knows this, and it was for this reason that she immediately resisted when I told her I wanted her to own all of my orgasms.

This week has been the week from hell.  I mean a real shit storm of epic proportions. Tuesday was the worst. Extremely high-conflict meetings ran until well after midnight.  As soon as my last meeting was over I called my girlfriend.  She was asleep by then so she wasn’t able to pick up my call in time.  But, she texted me right back.

i wasn’t even thinking about sex or rubbing one out.  I just wanted to wring a particular person’s neck.

Here is the text exchange.  The only things you need to understand to get the exchange is that we have agreed that I may not cum without her permission.  And it is our inside secret that She is such a presence in my mind that I feel like a dinosaur has been running rampant in my brain almost 24 hours a day since she has taken control of my orgasms.

You’ll see why I love her.  I am a lucky man.

 

Text exchange part 2

Text exchange part 3.

Text exchange part 4.