[Solved] My journey has been accelerating
Last night I did not have the evening with my girlfriend that I was expecting. But, I did get to the bottom of the mysterious “I don’t’ want to disappoint you” statement that she made a couple of times last week. Once again, we found that trying to stay in tune with each other and openly communicating not only helped our relationship but paved the way for a new breakthrough, of sorts.
A little background will help this make sense. I mentioned in another post that the last 10 days have been very stressful, but I have not said much more than that. Actually, the last week and a half has been a lot more than just stressful. It has been gut-wrenching. There was really bad Juju brewing in the office and I had to draw some hard lines to protect the firm and number of very valuable employees. This resulted in 3 employees resigning simultaneously and walking out the door with a bunch of clients. While it is all for the best, it was not handled professionally by the people who left. One of them threatened people and the firm, and it was disruptive, to say the least.
My GF is my closest advisor and supporter on the business side of my firm. In fact, I promoted her to Vice-President of Business Development last week in recognition of her status and value within the firm. She has been rock-solid at my side through everything that has been happening. She anticipated my every need so I could focus on true “alpha” stuff. I was calling shots left and right in a situation that was changing almost hourly, and she followed through on everything that was important. She was really working her ass off. We have come through to a better place than we were before all the drama started.
Because of her, I have been doing well. I have been spending a lot of mental and emotional energy during the day doing the alpha male stuff, but I have been able to recharge my batteries super-efficiently by surrendering that control to my girlfriend when we get to our personal lives. Our FLR dynamic has been nothing short of transformation for me.
I spent all day yesterday in the big city meeting with another lawyer who is interested in merging his practice with mine. It was fun, but I had to be on my game, especially in light of the recent disruption, and I was really looking forward to being liberated by submitting to my girlfriend’s authority once the day was over. Meanwhile, my girlfriend remained at the office and was pretty much running the ship in my absence. When we got together after work last night, I could see that she looked tired. After dinner, I asked her how she was doing, and she said, “I am exhausted!”
I was a little surprised because I was expecting that she was getting a super-charge of her batteries like I have been because of our new dynamic. I was assuming that has been getting balance from spreading her own alpha wings and being totally in charge in the area of our personal life.
In short, she confessed that she has been subordinating her authority when she is supposed to be in charge because she has been so committed to supporting me in the current challenge. She has not wanted to “disappoint me” and concluded that she should not take charge and be assertive when we were in her space because she thought it would reduce my stress.
I was floored. I was hit by several different emotions at the same time. I was deeply touched that she would deprive herself of the strength she draws from our new FLR for what she perceived as my sake. It also made me understand in a flash what she meant when she said she was worried about disappointing me. But, on the other hand, I was kind of upset that I did not realize what she had been doing. I noticed that she was being gentle, but I did not see that she was intentionally refusing to lead. Mostly, I was a little sad because she didn’t have faith that she would do more good for me by taking charge and leading me.
We talked it through. And it gave me a chance to show her how beneficial it can be for me to surrender all control to her. As she put it, if she were to impose a bunch of requirements on me to serve her, she would have seen that as only adding to my burden. I replied, “If you leave me to wallow in my bad feelings, I am left with nothing but my bad feelings. But if you instruct me to serve you then my focus MUST shift to you. There will be little or no time left to wallow in my bad feelings.” I added, "Then I feel even worse because I am not giving you what you deserve. You are don’t get the time you need to build your strength by exercising control in your alpha space. It turns a ‘win-win’ into a ‘lose-lose.’”
I told her, “You made a sacrifice for me that I never wanted or asked for. In fact, I would rather have had you step-up your control rather than step it back. Stepping up your control would have been good for both of us.”
I apologized for being so self-absorbed that I did not recognize what she was doing. I told her I felt like I had failed her because a part of my job when she is leading is to be on the look out ways to support her in her leadership and control.
The upshot was that I think she understood for the first time how truly fundamental and impactful our FLR can be. Not only in good times, but in challenging times to.
Then, all of a sudden, she was like a new person. She told me she wanted to water her flowers and instructed me to do the dinner dishes. When she was finished she came back inside and relaxed on the couch while I finished drying the pots. Once we were in the bedroom, her desires and her language became very focused:
“I need you to service me.”
“Kiss my breasts.”
“No tongue, just your hand.”
“No little ones. I want a big one.”
An hour and a half later, “Hold me while I come down from my orgasm.”
“Jerk off for me, but don’t you dare cum.”
“Stop.” (Seven or eight times).
“Resume.” (Seven or eight times).
“My turn. Tell me when you are close. You are not to cum without permission.”
“No.” (Five or six times).
“Oh, I ruined it.”
“You have permission.”
I am headed back to her place tonight. I hope I am allowed to service her again.
I know many of you are in the practice of retaining for long periods of time. I realize that I am a piker compared to you. But I am making progress in this part of my journey. I have already found that I can comfortably go for longer periods of denial than I ever would have thought I could just six months ago. I am finding that the thing that makes me ache for release is not so much the period of the denial as it is the amount of teasing that occurs during that period.
Right now, I have been allowed one release in the last 10 days and I know it will be at least two and a half more days until I even have a chance at my next release. The orgasm I was allowed to have last Tuesday was spectacular. But I was very seriously teased and denied on Wednesday. My girlfriend has continued to tease me verbally since then. Yesterday at work, she actually lifted her shirt and exposed her beautiful breasts to me. I was allowed to nuzzle them, but no more. I was pretty much a puppy dog in terms of affection and words of affirmation for the rest of the day.
We spoke on the phone while she was driving home last night. During the call, she teased/tested me again. I was running on with the words of affection and telling her how I could hardly wait until we are together again on Monday evening. She asked me straight out if I wanted permission to masturbate.
We have had quite a few discussions recently about keeping our actions in alignment with our values. The “value” in question last night was sex being solely for her pleasure. We both know that if she wanted the pleasure of having me orgasm for her, all she had to do was instruct me to do so. But she didn’t give me a command. She merely asked me if I wanted permission.
I suppose that she might have wanted to hear me beg but, again, all she had to do was command me to beg for it (and I would have). I think she brought up the opportunity to jerk off as a gentle test. If I answered, “Yes,” she would probably have allowed it, felt compassionate about granting me a release, and made a mental note. But, I think she was looking to see if my actions would be in alignment with my expressed value that all our sex is for her pleasure. Since she clearly didn’t indicate that it was her desire that I should have a release, I think she wanted to know if I would deny myself for her even though I was clearly as horny as a teenager.
It took me a moment to respond. When I did, I said, “I am so horny that I cannot even express is it. So, thank you. But, my orgasms are for your pleasure, not mine.”
“Well, then you can wait until we are together on Monday night,” she said. I had my answer. “Let me know if you change your mind.” Another test.
These interactions are fun and, of course, amount to teases in their own right. I see them as her wrestling with the balance between her old compassionate habits and her new right to control my orgasms at her sole discretion. Things like this are more small steps on our journey.
I am really excited to see how she grows into her power to tease and control me outside of the bedroom. At first, she was reluctant to exercise control anywhere. The first place where she came into her own was in controlling our sex life. She has moved less quickly in other areas of our personal relationship outside the bedroom but is picking up speed. I see her checking for confirmation and validation of her authority as she slowly builds confidence. I am ready for her to slam it into high gear. There is so much potential there and I know I am going to love it. But, she has to take things at her own pace. My job is to be patient and consistent.
She continues to make progress with her control inside the bedroom too. One area is edging me. She loves teasing me and edging me. When I look at how she has progressed I can see how she upped her game. At first, she supervised me verbally while making me bring myself to the edge. But, she was watching and learning my physical reactions. Recently, she has developed the confidence to bring me to the edge, and not go over, by using either her pussy or her own hand. She has recently started practicing with her mouth, too. I am the happiest lab rat in the world.
One thing that being a business owner has taught me is that perception is one thing and reality is another. How do can you tell the difference? You have to gather and study actual data.
I thought it would be interesting to see how living an FLR under my girlfriend’s leadership was affecting our frequency of orgasms. I downloaded the My Habits app for my iPhone at the beginning of May and started tracking orgasms and denials.
Real data always reveal some interesting things if you are willing to pay attention. Therefore, it is not surprising that I learned some very interesting things. It is always tempting to jump to conclusions, especially when trends are new. One must always try to keep perspective. For example, it was only about six weeks before I started tracking this data that I promised my girlfriend that I would not masturbate without her permission. We didn’t’ even discuss that decision or three weeks after it was made. It was only at the beginning of April that we agreed that our “experiment” was a success and surrendering all of my orgasms to her was something we both wanted to continue with. But even so, my girlfriend insisted that a condition for her owning and controlling all of my orgasms was that I would be free ask for permission to rub one out and she could grant me permission to orgasm by my own hand if we were apart.
For the past six months, or so, prior to giving control of all my orgasms to my girlfriend, I limited my masturbation (I wasn't really retaining) in the few days before my girlfriend and I expected to be together to be certain that I would be able to perform at peak level when we were together. In this period, I would say that I easily had 30 to 35 orgasms per month and 25 to 30 of them were at my own hand.
So, how had things changed by May? Here is what the data shows:
In May my girlfriend had at least 33 orgasms (they often run together and I have a hard time making an accurate count) with an average of almost 5 per session. She was denied orgasm zero times when she wanted one.
In that same period, I had 11 orgasms. Four of which were by masturbation with her permission when we were apart. One, very early in the month, happened when I asked for permission, and the other three were granted with her permission, but without my request, when she knew I was under very considerable stress. She teased me and denied me orgasm three separate times during the month.
What have I learned? First, let’s address denial: She is clearly becoming more comfortable teasing me and denying me an orgasm. In fact, it is clear that she enjoys it and feels extremely powerful when she does it. She only did it once in the entirety of our relationship before May, and that was in late April. It is still not common, but it is trending in the right direction. She still has not, however, denied me after she has had her sexual release. She has only teased and denied me when she chooses not to have an orgasm for herself. If she is really to be in control with all sex being for her pleasure, this has to change.
My GF’s frequency: I do not have any data about her frequency before May. I can only say that May was the first full month after I read and studied the book She Comes First. While I cannot say that she is having more orgasms, I can say with certainty that the quality has improved significantly.
My frequency: My orgasms have been reduced by two-thirds, even when including solo masturbation, and by more than 75% when solo masturbation is excluded. I got an orgasmic release with her between once and twice a week during the month of May. The quality and intensity of my orgasms does even compare to those that I had prior. They are not always off the charts.
My Masturbation: At the beginning of the period, I was more than willing to take advantage of my girlfriend’s compassion in allowing me solo releases. I actually asked for one on May 6, and took her up on her offer of permission three times in two days immediately after the shit hit the fan in my office. These releases did relieve my mental stress, but they were almost totally pleasureless. In addition, I felt guilty that in accepting her permission, I was not acting in alignment with our agreed value system that includes the important element that all our sex is for her pleasure. I ama sure she felt good about being compassionate, but these orgasms of mind could not have brought her any pleasure.
Stepping back, well over one-third of my orgasms during the month of May were solo and at my own hand. This is the biggest take-away for me from this data. I am still being way to selfish. Instead of retaining and only releasing on average less than every five days, I had a release on average better than every three days.
True, this is greatly reduced from two per day in my old life. But, still the data calls into question my commitment to making sex solely about my girlfriend’s pleasure where she controls my orgasms and I only having one when it gives her pleasure.
I have reset my app. It is the fifth of June and I have not had a release yet this month Let’s see what another month of data shows.
I was blessed to be able to spend the evening with my girlfriend last night. We were both pretty wound up since it had been six days since either of us had any sexual release. It was wonderful to reconnect at every level, just like an old key slipping into a familiar lock.
We went to the gym and worked out together, made a nice dinner, and climbed into our “box” for some very intimate time. She instructed me to come to bed naked. We snuggled and talked about our weekend apart and her need for me to come out to her place this weekend to support her in some things that are important for her to get done. Chores that are perfect for a strong, tall man.
We talked generally about her enjoying her power in our personal relationship. I told her that I trust her leadership and welcome her control. I welcome the sense of peace and liberation I have when she makes the decisions for us.
I told her outright that I have progressed in this part of our journey myself in the last month and was ready to fully commit to her leadership and control over my orgasms. I told her that I would respect her decision to instruct me to give myself a release if she told me to, or deal with not having one if she told me she was not going to allow me one. But, for my part, I was not going to ask for permission to masturbate solo ever again, nor would I choose to do it if she merely gave me permission and left the decision up to me.
I think I made her understand that it is not the release that is important to me. It is knowing that she is aware of my situation and chooses to exercise her leadership for my benefit as she sees it. I long for the intimacy of our minds being on the same wavelength, not the chemical release of an orgasm.
We talked for a while about compassion vs. leadership and I think she better understands where I am coming from. She says she will enjoy exercising that power.
Since we were talking about her enjoying her power, I told her I welcome the opportunity to provide her with sexual pleasure and all the orgasms she desires plus the enjoyment and power rush she get from teasing and denying me in the same session. Again encouraging her to think of my pleasure as coming from giving her that rush and willingly submitting to her control rather than a simply having a mechanical orgasm.
I think it will take us some time until she is truly comfortable with going this far. To get there, she is going to have to master that inhibition that tells her she is being selfish if she single-mindedly pursues her pleasure. I will just consistently encourage her in this direction and be patient.
After our talk, she mounted me and we had wonderful, slow, romantic, loving sex and I was permitted to cum inside her. It was blissful.
To get there, she is going to have to master that inhibition that tells her she is being selfish if she single-mindedly pursues her pleasure.
When we were at this point in our journey, I encouraged her to understand that not only is it ok for her to be selfish, but being selfish in her pursuit of pleasure, in whatever form she desired, was what gave me pleasure. She soon began to no longer equate it being selfish but rather her right as my Mistress Wife. It was a milestone in our marriage.
I encouraged her to understand that not only is it ok for her to be selfish, but being selfish in her pursuit of pleasure, in whatever form she desired, was what gave me pleasure. She soon began to no longer equate it being selfish but rather her right as my Mistress Wife.
That will be the "Aha" moment for her. She is so loving and so wants to please me. Once she internalizes that the pursuit of her pleasure is what brings me pleasure, it will only take a snap for her alpha personality to kick in and there will be no inhibitions limiting her exercising her rights as my Queen.
I will keep working on consistency and patience. She will keep working on internalization and trusting her feelings (not listening to that little nay-sayer on her shoulder).
It has been a long journey, but I think we can both see the Promised Land from here!
I always love and appreciate your perspective.
I had a stressful day at work yesterday. Up at 6:00 and immediately sprinting for the rest of the day. My girlfriend’s day was the same. She was in the office early because she needed to leave mid-day to help her quadriplegic brother get am MRI. This meant she also had to deal with her very difficult mother. I knew she was going to be mentally drained by the time we met at my place at the end of the day.
My idea was to focus on service. I drew a hot bath in my oversized soaker tub. We climbed in naked. I served her champagne and snacks while we enjoyed soft music. I stroked her body and we did some Intimacy questions from our Caitlyn V box. Lots of great affirming conversation about our devoloping FLR.
Her stress melted away. My erection got harder. We moved from the bath to the bed. She fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. I got denied.
A perfect evening.
My girlfriend took another baby step forward last night.
She surprised me on Wednesday by telling me that she wanted to stay with me on Thursday night rather than go back to her own home. Of course, I was thrilled at the prospect of being able to spend time together.
We have gotten very matter-of-fact and conversational about the way our female-led relationship works. In our professional life dealing with my law firm, I am in charge and call the shots. When it comes to our personal relationship, she is in charge and calls the shots. We’ve gotten so good at it that we can both switch pretty much anytime we want. I may be getting her coffee in the morning while she showers. Once we get to the office, I am orchestrating things. We go to lunch together and she is back in charge. If we have a business lunch, the ball stays in my court. The minute we leave the office and head back home, she takes control of the ball.
We describe these spheres where we are in charge as our respective “boxes.” So, for example, when we are at home, we are in her box and she is the leader. It is a pretty useful way of communicating, actually. If the dynamic isn’t clear, or we are in transition, all one of us needs to do is simply mention whose box we are in, and all expectations are set and clear.
So, the fact that she was going to come over to my house after work meant I was going to have an unexpected opportunity to be in her box, in person, and submit to her leadership. Yum!
If you have been following along with the story of our journey, you know I am trying to help her explore all the potential that is available to her for the taking when she is in control. She gets a powerful sexual charge from teasing and denying me, but she has never denied me after I have given her an orgasm. Until last night, that is. Sort of.
I have been making sure she knows that I am comfortable with her taking this next step. Here is what happened last night. I roasted a chicken for her after we got home from work (if you don’t have a Ninja Foodi, you are missing out). After we ate and I did the dishes, we retired to the bedroom where we snuggled and did some questions from our Caitlyn V Intimacy box. As always, doing this relaxes us both and there are lots of natural opportunities to discuss our new FLR and how it has improved our relationship. It makes us both feel great that we are both unhesitatingly open with each other when we answer the questions.
At one point, she seemed to be drifting off to sleep. I said with resignation, “You’re not going to let me lick your pussy tonight are you.”
She replied, “I’m trying to decide. Do I just want to fall asleep in your arms? On the other hand, I know if I have you lick my pussy, I will be glad I did not fall asleep. Or, I could just wake you up in the middle of the night.” I don’t know if it was a conscious choice, or if she succumbed before she could decide, but before long she was gently snoring on my shoulder.
At about 3 o’clock in the morning, she woke up to use the bathroom and I roused myself in case she was looking for me to service her. I went to the bathroom myself and found her naked in the bed when I returned. I stripped off my shirt and climbed in next to her. After kissing for a few minutes, she said, “I am wondering how you are going to service me.” I jumped at the bait.
“I am going to make love to you gently so that you can stay as close to a total state of bliss as you can. I want you to lay back and relax while I warm you up and make you come with my fingers. Then I am going to lick your pussy to three orgasms. Then I am going to come back up here and give you a big one that is going to wipe you out so much that you will fall back into your state of bliss and drift back to sleep in my arms,” I told her.
She didn’t say a word but shifted her body position so she was ready to receive the pleasure I described. I warmed her up as I said then she had more than three orgasms as I ate her. But before I could get started on her big one, she rolled over to face me so we could caress each other. Then she pushed me onto my back and told me she wanted to suck on my dick. “Just a nibble,” she said. “I can do what I want.”
She took me into her mouth for about five minutes while caressing my balls. It was heaven, but she did not bring me to orgasm. Then she rolled onto her back and spread her legs, silently telling me she was ready for her big one. All things said and done, we had made love for about an hour and a half by when she finished with her big one. She was as limp as a rag, and she blissfully slipped back to sleep in my arms. I smiled to myself because she obviously did not feel she was being selfish by taking her pleasure without allowing me an orgasm. I was amazingly content as I fell back to sleep myself. I new milestone. My girlfriend knowingly took her pleasure (and a good bit of it, I might add) and consciously left me denied.
But . . . , in the morning, I was awakened by her kissing me. She told me, “I want you to come for me.”
“May I make you come again?” I asked. One last attempt at diversion.
“No. I want you to come for me,” she said.
“It will be for your pleasure, so how would you enjoy it most?”
“After lots of teasing,” she replied while smiling devilishly.
“By you or by me?” I asked.
“It will be a joint effort. You get started,” she instructed. “Tell me when you get close.”
For some reason, watching me jerk off for her is extremely exciting. Of course, after being denied the night before and on Tuesday before that, I was in what I would call “sub-space” as she was supervising my masturbation. Rather than wanting to cum myself, my overwhelming desire was to make her come again.
I couldn’t resist. “May I beg you to let me make you cum again?” I pleaded.
“Well, Ok. If you insist,” she replied. I begged and she relented.
I expected she would want a gentle orgasm, but I was wrong. She was dripping wet when I touched her. Once I got started, she said, “Harder. I want it harder.” She had a crashing orgasm. I thought she would tell me that was enough, but instead, she said forcefully, “Again.” Her next one was even bigger. I made a mental note that we hit the magic “9” that Yoga Girl espouses. I smiled to myself again.
She pushed me onto my back and this time she took direct control. She brought me to the edge several more times, stopping when I said I was close. Once she went one stroke too long before she stopped. I asked her to let go and said, “Watch!” We both watched my rock-hard penis twitch and dribble out a ruined orgasm. Her reaction was one of joy! Un-freaking-believable.
She let me cool down for a bit, then resumed teasing me. She brought me to the edge a couple of more times, and finally, one of the times I asked for permission to come, she granted it and I spurted an incredible load. I literally splattered the headboard above us and shot a hot rope across my own face and hair. I am 60 years old. In what world does that happen?
We snuggled for about 15 minutes, and she said, “I am going to take a shower. Will you make me coffee?”
“Of course, I will make my Queen coffee,” I told her as I kissed her and climbed out of bed.
So, the referee has to make a judgment call here. Because we are looking to make progress, at any speed she is comfortable with, and because she knew what she was doing and there was a significant period of sleep before I was allowed to come, I am calling this a win. Or, rather orgasms for her and denial for me. Don’t care what you hard-core, long-term denial animals say. I’m calling it a win. We’ll go for longer next time.
I am so happy that I found the courage to tell my girlfriend that I wanted to start living a female-led relationship. Without the wisdom and support provided by the EYM community, I am certain that it never would have happened.
My girlfriend and I had another great, intimate time together this weekend. I went out to her place yesterday to help her with some “big, strong man” chores like cutting limbs, fixing a toilet, and helping prepare for a big bathroom renovation. We grilled out and watched a fun movie last night. Snuggling and talking in bed only lasted so long before she was asleep with her head on my shoulder. I relished being of service to her on her projects. The downtime watching a movie together was relaxing. And, our snuggle-time, while it did not lead to any sex, was super intimate and reinforced our connection.
My GF woke up early today and we had some wonderfully intimate conversations (followed by some fantastic sex) and I think we may be approaching that “Aha” moment where my girlfriend finally stops letting those inhibitions about being “selfish” keep her from being all that she can be in our FLR. There is no doubt that we both embrace a female-led personal relationship based on our four core values (1. Everything is driven by love and respect free of abuse and humiliation, 2. I am in charge in the business world, she is in charge in our personal relationship, 3. All sex is for her pleasure, and the corollary to the 3rd value, 4. All of my orgasms belong to her).
The devil is in the details, as they say. Our challenge is not in acknowledging that we are both in complete agreement about the core values. The challenge is in how we handle the little things that come along. As I have mentioned before, living out our FLR means that my girlfriend is constantly having to confront inhibitions that have grown naturally out of being taught to live within a social construct of boundaries about how she should act. Old habits, as it were.
Confronting those inhibitions has seemed daunting to her because it has seemed to her like each situation and each confrontation with the old social construct needs to be separately analyzed, addressed, and disposed of. It feels kind of like having to learn 1000 new rules or regulations. I have suggested a different mindset. I have suggested that she can simply go with her natural feelings since we absolutely trust each other to always act in alignment with our core values. My point is that she doesn’t have to analyze anything if she is leading with love and respect. In my view, it is impossible for her to be selfish if she is exercising the leadership I have asked her to demonstrate.
I used an analogy this morning. “When the captain of a ship issues orders to the crew that are intended to keep the ship and crew safe in a storm, every member of the crew does what is expected of him or her because each one respects the authority of the captain. No one ever says the captain is being selfish by telling everybody else what to do.”
“Of course not,” she said. “That is what the captain is supposed to do.”
“Do you think I am being selfish when I call the shots at work?” I asked.
She answered, “No. That is the same thing. You are in charge, and we all have faith in the direction you are leading us.”
“Then, how are you being selfish if you exercise the loving authority I have explicitly acknowledged you possess?” I asked.
She paused for a moment. “Maybe I am the one over-thinking things for a change.”
I said, “I think you are. Let me give you a couple of examples of how going with your feelings could have helped you avoid having to over-analyze your inhibitions.”
“O.K.,” she said.
“This morning when I woke up, you were relaxing beside me and playing a game on your phone. I asked you if you wanted coffee, and you said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘O.K., two coffees coming right up.’ And you said, ‘No. You stay in bed. I’ll make the coffee.’ Remember that?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Tell me the truth,” I said. “You really wanted me to bring you coffee in bed, didn’t you? But you said what you did, and gave me permission to stay in bed, so that you wouldn’t feel selfish. She smirked a little, like she had been found out.
“And a couple of weekends ago, when you knew I was horny and longing for you, you gave me permission to masturbate. You weren’t excited by the idea of me making myself have an orgasm for you, were you? You said what you did, and gave me permission to jerk off, so that you wouldn’t feel selfish.” She made the same smirk, like she had been caught red-handed.
“You fret over being selfish even though I want to serve you coffee in bed. That is my job. I want to give you that pleasure.” She nodded her head. “You fret over being selfish even though we have agreed, at my instigation I might add, that I only have orgasms for your pleasure.”
I went on, “I got up and made us coffee this morning because it was the right thing to do for both of us. I didn’t make myself cum when you gave me permission because that was the right thing to do for both of us.”
“So, I say, make it easier on both of us,” I said. “Just go with your feelings and skip the fretting and analysis. It will help us both develop better habits.”
She said what I had to say made sense. We agreed that for fun and to see what it would feel like for both of us, she will practice when we are together at my house this week. For just three single evenings, she says she will do her best to act on her feelings without thinking and fully embrace her control over the little things. We agreed that we will check in with each other as we go. I am hoping that it will feel very natural to her. I can't wait.
My girlfriend and I decided that she would try something during the time we had together this week. She stayed at my place Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday night. The plan for her was to try to back away from those life-long inhibitions that can make her feel selfish when she exercises her control in our FLR by just “going with the flow.” I encouraged her to trust her feelings and, for these few days, see if she could resist the temptation to think through her inhibitions.
The nature of the week conspired to help us. It was a very busy week and we did dinner presentations on two of the nights. Frankly, we were too busy for her to over-think anything. The way it played out was that we both dropped immediately into the box where she exercises control once the business day was over. Each evening she just wanted me to hold her while we talked. We did a few Caitlyn V Intimacy cards. But, mostly, we just got into our intimate zone together.
The mornings were a different story. After a good night’s rest on Tuesday night, my GF was in a mood to assert herself and she did so without hesitation. She decided she was going to enjoy herself by teasing me mercilessly. She had me put on a show of jerking off for her. She supervised my masturbation, made me stop every time I got to the edge of orgasm, and used her hand to repeatedly wipe her pussy juice all over my face.
The best tease of all was when I was allowed four licks of her pussy. “You’d better make them count!” she said. She counted each stroke of my tongue and extended my heavenly torture by adding a “3 ½” between 3 and 4. After the licking, she took over giving me a teasing hand job. By the time I was given permission to cum, I was so wound up that I shot myself in the face with my load. While I was coming down from my orgasm, she told me I was not to wash my face that morning so that I would be able to smell her pussy juice under my nose all day. That was fun.
This morning was similar. After kissing and snuggling for about half an hour, she mounted me and brought herself to several orgasms on top of me. Then she climbed up onto my face to have me lick her to another before she rolled onto her back to receive some more oral pleasure. She lay in my arms for 15 minutes or so after her last orgasm before beginning a session of supervised masturbation. Once I got to the point of not being able to go more than three or four strokes before warning her “I am close” and having to stop, she took over edging personally. When she is giving me a handjob, she still expects me to warn her when I am close. But asking for permission to come does not mean she will grant it. Today she denied me permission quite a few times before saying, “Yes, you may cum now.”
I am beginning to wonder if she is working on her aim because today was the third time in a row that I shot a hot rope of cum across my face at her hand. This morning, while I was catching my breath after cumming, she lovingly wiped the semen from my eye and smeared the cum all over my face.
I just love it when she takes control.
I am awash in emotions today. I am going to see my girlfriend at her best friend’s pool party this afternoon. I will spend the night at her house afterward. I am going to have to be on my game.
I have only been allowed one release in the last 8 days. The alpha male part of me wants to jump her and fuck her brains out. The part of me that asked for this FLR was to wait in her, adore her, and lavish her with affection.
I want to show my devotion. I don’t want to be “needy.” My body is raging with hormones, but at the same time I fell like I am in a kind of “subspace.”
It is going to be fun navigating it all. I hope I give her what she wants and deserves.
The part of me that asked for this FLR was to wait in her, adore her, and lavish her with affection.
This is lovely of course, but maybe consider adding asking her what and how she wants from you at any given moment. Right now. 10 minutes from now. Later at her friend's pool party. Tonight. Tomorow ...... I can you that at times, Ms. K. wants other things than just adoration and affection. In other words, don't allow yourself to get too far from the basic premise that it IS ALL ABOUT HER.
Have fun at the party.
In other words, don't allow yourself to get too far from the basic premise that it IS ALL ABOUT HER.
Exactly! It is not about my needs, my subspace, my horniness, my desire to serve her. It is about her! Full stop. As I say, I am going to have to be on my game. I’ll do my best.
I am so lucky to have a woman who listens to my heart as well as my words. It is so exciting to be creating an entirely new relationship (our FLR) with a person who sees the same potential and is enthusiastic about what we are building. Three different topics of conversation came together over the weekend in a really positive way.
We spent yesterday afternoon at a pool party thrown by my girlfriend’s best friend. The lady is a lesbian, so we were just about the only straight people there. I am not being judgmental. I am just pointing out that it was a pretty tolerant group (which will make sense with the aside I mention in the next paragraph). Really nice people, beautiful weather, and drinks were flowing, so we had a great time.
At one point during the party, a big group of us were standing in the pool when my GF explained that we work together in the same firm.
“Oh that must be fun!” one of the ladies said sarcastically.
My girlfriend replied, “No. We have it figured out. He is in control at the office and I am in control everywhere else.”
Two of the woman looked at me, expecting me to give the obligatory macho retort. Instead, I said, “Actually, it works really well. It makes us both very happy.”
The ladies looked at each other and then back to us trying to determine if we were being serious. Ultimately, they both just cocked their heads and said, “Well, alright then. Good for you.” No judgments from them either.
My girlfriend was sure they would write off her explanation as a joke, but I was proud of her for putting the truth out there and hiding in plain sight. It felt great to publicly affirm her statement.
Because my GF got to the party early to help set up, she was beat by the time we got back to her house. She wanted to go straight to bed. We snuggled and she was slumbering in no time. A little cat nap recharged her batteries and we resumed chatting. She asked me if I brought our Caitlyn V “Spark” cards, which I had, so she proposed we do a few together.
One of the questions I drew from the box to ask her was “How can I support you better during this chapter of your life?” She answered that by saying she feels that I am unbelievably supportive and didn’t think she could wish for more. As we often do with such questions, she asked me how I would answer the question.
This gave me a chance to say that I want to be supportive of her as she continues to figure out how to handle these inhibitions that she has inherited from society and her mom's stuffy upbringing. We discussed how they are a challenge because they are not things she thinks about. They are just kind of automatic. She was having difficulty thinking of a specific instance where her inhibitions were holding her back and she asked me if I would be happy if she never progressed any farther than she already had.
I could tell I was getting dangerously close to topping from the bottom. I told her, truthfully, that I would be the happiest I have ever been in my life even if not a single thing in our FLR changed from that day forward. I dropped the subject of inhibitions and pivoted to the question of her being in charge and calling all the shots.
I wanted her to understand that I feel I walk a fine line. On the one hand, I want to support her in the growth she wants to see (which means pushing a little now and then), but on the other hand, I am committed to accepting her judgment and following her lead. The conversation wound down and we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Once again, lots of intimacy, but no sex.
I woke up before her this morning and went downstairs to make us coffee. She was waking up just as I returned. To my pleasure, she was naked because during the night as she had removed the dress shirt of mine she had been wearing because she was hot. She sipped her coffee and told me I had put in too much creamer. She made me go back to the kitchen to make her a new cup. Once I came back up, we snuggled together and enjoyed our coffee while we started another intimate conversation. It was one of those mornings where we alternated times with me servicing her with times of more snuggling and talking. She had me go down on her first and eat her through a couple of orgasms before we returned to talking while she recovered. Then there were a couple more orgasms by my hand followed by more talking.
She was pretty hot for me at this point, and she told me she wanted me to get inside her and cum deep inside her. She has been having trouble with a bad back because of a pinched nerve. I told her that I would love to be inside her, but I didn’t think it was a good thing for her back since I am so much bigger than she is (I’m ten inches taller than her).
This got us right back to the question of the appropriateness of me making a suggestion to her when I truly feel it is in her best interests (as opposed to my best interest, which would be topping from the bottom) versus me just dutifully following her instructions.
She accepted my advice by saying, “I’ll compromise. You jerk off and cum for me this morning, but I want you inside of me tomorrow night when I am at your house so we can cum together. I hope my back will be feeling better by then.”
This conversation made me think of the discussions of the night before, both about me supporting her and about her facing her inhibitions. Before I had a chance to think it through, I said, “That sounds good and I have my own compromise that I’d like to propose.”
“Oh, really?” she said.
I proposed, “I’ll jerk off for you as you tell me. Bring me to the edge as many times as you want until I am dripping pre-cum. But then, instead of having me cum for you, why don’t you deny me so that I will have to save it all up until I will be inside of you tomorrow night?”
You should have seen the look on her face. She was actually giddy with the prospect. She smiled from ear to ear. But, then she quickly looked away from me and lost the smile.
“Why would you want me to do that?” she asked.
I explained that since I had given her control of all of my orgasms, a transference had taken place. It used to be that I was pretty much desperate for an orgasm any time I could get one. But now, the hornier I get the more I long for her to exercise her control over me. No longer is the height of pleasure having an orgasm. Now, I get that pleasure from watching her get pleasure from enjoying her control.
“Watching you spread your wings and fly is unbelievably exhilarating,” I told her. “I long to see you be the fullest woman you can be. It is like the joy you get from seeing a flower blossom.”
“But, won’t you think I am just being cruel?” she asked. “We all know about girls back in school who were dick-teases. Wouldn’t you find that frustrating and hate it? Wouldn’t it put you in a foul mood at work and every other place?”
Here is how I responded. “So, here is a great example of the inhibition problem we were talking about last night. It is obvious that you enjoy the power and control that comes from teasing me and denying me orgasm. I just saw it on your face. You were positively giddy at the thought. You love being in control!”
“I do, but I don’t want to be cruel,” she said.
I replied, “But that is all in YOUR head. I am telling you it is OK. I have no problem with it. In fact, I WANT it. I am telling you I want you to control me more than I want to have an orgasm. It is those ideas put in your head by your mother, your ex-husband, and other people that are keeping you from doing what you obviously would enjoy doing. I saw your face and you can’t deny it.”
“I do love being in control,” she said. “But it is going to make you unbearable until you finally get your release, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely not,” I said. “In fact, I will be high as a kite. I think I can explain it so that it makes sense.”
“Please,” she said.
“We both want to maximize pleasure for both of us, right?” I asked.
“Yes, we do,” she agreed.
“Imagine we are looking at a graph of a person’s average excitement and pleasure over several days. You know how you feel as I build your orgasm through multiple plateaus before you climax. How does it feel when you are at that highest plateau but just before I make you cum?” I asked.
“It feels incredible,” she answered.
“OK. So, on the pleasure graph, we are moving up and up. Then what happens when you come? Does that feel better, or less good?” I asked.
She said, “Don’t get a swelled head, but it is mind-blowing.”
“Right,” I said. “That is exactly what I am aiming for. Now, where does your excitement level go after the orgasm ends? Does it drop off the chart?”
“No. It just goes back to one of the previous plateaus,” she explained.
I said, “Exactly. And we can go back and forth between those plateaus and orgasms as many times as you like.”
“Yeah.” She nodded.
“Now, let’s look at my graph. When you tease me right up to the edge, how do you think I feel?” I asked.
“It is pretty obvious that it feels fantastic for you, too,” she said.
“And when I cum, does that feel better, or not as good, do you think?” I asked.
She answered, “I am sure it is better.”
“Of course,” I said. “So, my chart peaks. Now, what about a few minutes after? Does my level of excitement simply drop down to the last plateau, or does it drop into the basement?”
“Like every other man, you’re one and done!” she said.
I started to pull it all together. “So, there is one hour of intense excitement and then a crash to the basement. Where do you think my average excitement is over the next half-week?”
“Pretty low, obviously. Until it builds up again,” she answered.
“But what if,” I said, “you left me at the peak without the crash? And what if you called me and teased me or even instructed me to bring myself to the edge for you but not go over? And then we got together, and I was able to be inside you? Where would my average pleasure/excitement level be.”
“Ah, ha.” She nodded her head in real understanding.
“There has been a change. Since we have taken our FLR to this level, my greatest pleasure does not come from my orgasms. It comes from seeing your pleasure in exercising control blossom to its fullest potential.”
“OK. I see what you are saying. We’ll see about tomorrow night. But this conversation was too hot. I want to see you cum for me now. But don’t forget to ask for permission to cum. I am going to tease you for a while.”