Open Letter to Emma
I enjoy your blogs and find them generally insightful. I like that you are about loving relationships rather than dominance. However I have one small bone to pick with you. I hope I am not of line and please don't see this as an attack on you in any way. It is just a feeling I got while reading that bugged me a little.
After reading a few more of your blogs I get a sense that you consider females to be emotionally complex and the male’s emotions to be very simple and almost limited to animal instinct. I believe you under estimate the natural emotional range of males. Stephie has made it clear to me that we both have a full range of emotions but women are programed to deal with them and men are programed to suppress them. She says that is why in anything emotion based such as a love relationship the woman is much better equipped to lead than the man.
We males are much more complex emotionally than simply trying to breed and wanting orgasms. Yes we have a certain animal instinct to want those things. But as we mature and marry and have families, our priorities do change and become more emotionally based and we become more sensitive to those that we care about.
When you add a strong, loving woman to the mix such as my Stephie or yourself, and incorporate chastity that is more about control than denial this emotional maturity even becomes dominant. I am sure you have seen Kevin’s ability to express his feelings and to embrace yours grow. These feelings were always there. You just brought them out.
I look at examples from my own growth. In my case I have always felt a responsibility to do my share of whatever chores needed to be done so that hasn’t really changed. What has changed is my emotional self and the way I see our relationship in the everyday as well as the bedroom. For example, I know when she needs a hug or maybe a compliment or a pat on the back. She doesn’t ask for them outright but her body language or her voice or her touch or kiss or her smile or lack of it all tell me how she feels at any given moment. She taught me to read her like a book. She also taught me not to be afraid of her emotions or my own but rather to embrace them.
In the beginning she would often touch me and I would know if she was being sexy but if she wasn’t I assumed I must have a fleck of dirt on my face or arm. Now I realize when she touches my face or arm she is saying, “I’m glad you are here.” A subtle way of telling me she loves me and we are here for each other. She will still often touch me in a sexual way that says she feels playful and she is going to torment me some. But when she is down or worried or frightened she knows her touch will tell me what I need to do. I am sure Kevin has become equally aware of you. This is something a strong woman can bring out in her man. It was always there. We were just afraid or didn't know how to let it show.
Making love is where I have grown the most emotionally. The feelings I get when we snuggle or I just hold her all night in my arms run the entire gamete. They start with a feeling of being a man and lover because I can sense the love she is feeling. There is a feeling of power because I sense that she feels so safe in my arms. There is a feeling of being loved because she wants me to hold her. And there is a feeling of peace because when I hold each other like that it seems that all my stress from the day disappears. Again these feelings have probably always been there but it took Stephie’s gentle nudging to let me accept how I felt
When I give her a great orgasm, I get a rush because I just pleased the most important person in my world. That was always true. But now the foreplay building up to her orgasm is almost better. Touching her in a sexual way and holding her is not about the sex at all for me any more. It is about her trusting me with her body and her emotions. I may not even get erect in my cage. It is a feeling I can’t begin to explain. And afterwards we cuddle and hold each other and talk and I know that she loves me. When she gives me an orgasm every other Saturday with me inside her I feel like she has given me the greatest gift possible. The gift of her complete self. What greater love offering is there than giving your complete self? I just want to hold her and never let go. The orgasm at one time was what felt wonderful, and it still does, but now long after the orgasm has subsided, the feeling of being loved and having shared the most intimate moment God gives us as humans goes on and on. Stephie taught me that too. I truly believe that the way we make love she gets the exact same feeling. It is not the orgasm, it is the gift.
And if these emotions are not complicated enough, what happened to me the other night I can’t even begin to explain. She had in a way teased me a couple nights before by allowing me to lie inside her with her on top and our naked bodies just pressed together but with no movement. Something new for us. It was as if we were one person instead of two. That feeling was so new and so special that when Saturday came I traded my orgasm to recreate that feeling with no regrets. And from what I had felt that previous night, I somehow knew I could make her orgasm as we laid there quietly by just caressing her softly. Her orgasm wasn’t a real orgasm because it wasn’t intense but I think she felt much the same as I did and the emotions that went through my head, I still can’t describe completely. Maybe if I were a woman I could explain it. LOL
I know this has gotten long and probably boring but I hope it makes you understand how complex male emotions are. They have been inside him forever. It takes a strong, loving woman to release these emotions in a man. Once they are set loose though they are just as strong and just as important to be fulfilled as the woman’s emotions. I don’t believe for a minute that I am unique. I am sure Kevin and any man in a long term loving FLR (As opposed to domination FLR) has and expresses emotions that are very similar.
Love the well-thought-out response and you are totally correct that I believe the basis of male emotion to be rooted in the animal instinct of procreation with everything comes back to that core motivation. The range of emotion is unquestionably there but the drive for men is often rooted in procreation, securing a supply of sexual pleasure in a mate and protecting that supply. That isn't to say he doesn't experience more, he absolutely does. Women on the other hand are emotionally complex though securing a mate is certainly part of it. I haven't dug as deep to understand females (myself included) because I don't find women as fascinating as I do men.
The drive for women seems to be more complex than men. I don't say this to make women seem better, they aren't better. Women's motives are often more difficult to understand. The backstabbing that goes on in female relationships and "friendships" is puzzling at times. I am not invested in maintaining a relationship with a woman so I seek fewer answers. I am most interested in the sexual drivers of women because I feel that is also at our core. Female sex drive is more complex. Rather than simply sowing our seed and moving on, we have complex wiring that forces us to be irritable a few days a month which encourages conflict. The intention of conflict is to rid the woman of potentially infertile males. The female sex drive also seems to diminish over time for even the most closely bonded pair. Learning to manipulate the female body to allow monogamy isn't the easiest thing. The divorce rate skyrockets with the introduction of sexual freedoms brought on by the advent birth control.
Are men simpletons controlled completely by their penis? Absolutely not. If they were, this blog wouldn't be as nuanced and interesting as it is. Yes, I find my own blog interesting and love to go back and read where Kev and I were a year ago. Fascinating shit! I love continuing to grow together with him. Over time together, we've learned what works and what doesn't work. We've learned about communication. We've learned what motivates him at his core and a great deal of that is his animalistic need to spill his seed. That doesn't mean he is any less complex than anyone else, all it does is give insight into what drives him and others that might be wired similar to him. All men are not the same but much of the wiring seems to be common. The intention isn't to use that wiring to make him do something that he doesn't want to do. The intention is to understand his wiring and use that understanding to grow closer together. I understand how some of the things I write may come off and at times may feel like I am personally attacking men. Know that I come from a place of good intentions and love. When I speak of men, consider that I am talking to your un-enlightened male ancestors which is your animal motivation at your very core. Control the animal and you control your reactions, your motivations and even guide your emotions.
A man who is not self aware would never be able to give up thrusting to enjoy feeling one with his partner as you did. This is not a testament to her for learning to control or manipulate you. This is a testament to the two of you for learning and communicating together. The end result, a closer connection and a happier, more fulfilled relationship which I hope you and Steph can enjoy together. When you play a new game, you must first learn the rules. Consider that the journey you and Steph are on is simply a quest to learn the rules together. Only once you fully understand the rules of the game can you play the game to the limits of what are allowed. Most of us spend our lives playing a game that we don't fully understand. This site and the quest you and Steph walk is a quest of understanding and cooperative learning.
I appreciate you and all of the readers of this site and I appreciate constructive criticism and dissent. The site would be incredibly boring if it consisted of me relaying my learnings. Instead, we all learn together and share our thoughts and lessons. We share the events that arouse us, the events that make us angry, the events that hurt us and the events that bring us closer. <3
Thank you for your response. It, like your blogs is very well written. They encourage free thinking and open the imagination. They say much more than the words that actually appear on the paper (or ion this case the screen.)
I hope I am not reading between the lines too much but I believe you agreed with me that your leadership and the love you and Kevin share has made him a more complete man. His emotions now go well beyond those of basic male instinct. I also think you knew they were always there and you were able to help him accept and embrace those emotions.
Also thank you for your encouraging words for Stephie and myself. She has been my blessing. Without her I would never have experienced a fraction of what I have in these 29 years. At times the journey has been a little scary for me but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for all the gold in the world. I am sure if you asked Kevin, his thoughts about your relationship would mirror mine.
Lastly thank you for a fantastic site. It has already helped us talk about things that I kept looked away in my mind because they were too difficult to think about. It feels good to get them out in the open.