Didn’t really know where to put this post so I’ll put it in as a "Journey."
The other day I got involved in a discussion with a member here about power exchange. I do not like the idea of power exchange at all and I believe for most here, power exchange is not what they are experiencing. It would only be the case in an extreme domination relationship where the subs feelings mean essentially nothing. I believe that what I have to say applies whether you are in a typical relationship or are using chastity as a tool or to spice up your lives or are in a loving FLR.
Let us start with the 90% or so of the relationship that has nothing to do with sex. The everyday life that is taking care of the household, raising the children, etc. This is a “team” endeavor. If either the husband or the wife is lazy it is bad. Today with most women working outside the home, most husbands have stepped up to the plate because they recognize that it is their house and their children too and they have a responsibility to take care of both. There is no room for a couch potato or an entitled princess in a relationship. You both do what needs to be done and you tend to gravitate toward the tasks you are best at. One partner may be more organized and tend to assign tasks but this is not about POWER, it is about getting the job done. Sometimes circumstances will dictate that one partner will carry the bulk of the load but it should not be about lazy or power.
That brings us to the bedroom and who controls the sex life. In years gone by and still in some relationships the man feels entitled to sex. He controls when, how often, where, how, and all aspects of sex. It is about his physical satisfaction and not about making love. He gets great pleasure from giving his wife an orgasm because it means he is a great lover. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. No one has sexual entitlement over anybody, not even over your wife. In these relationships the wife ends up feeling used, if not out and out abused, instead of being loved. The bedroom is about power instead of love and emotional fulfillment. For years many woman just accepted this fate. In this age of feminism there is no excuse for it.
If you were to have a “power exchange” and the woman were to treat her man in a way that is solely about what she wants, isn’t she just doing the same thing to her man that is so wrong when he treats her this way in the bedroom?
The bedroom should be a place where partners show their love for each other in a physical and emotional way. The romance doesn’t begin when you hit the bedroom. It should have been happening any time you were together. The hug when you both come home from work with a sincere “I love you.” The gentle touches when you pass each other and the occasional little kiss. I don’t care who leads in the bedroom, without this interaction during the day the bedroom is not going to suddenly make the magic happen.
I find for D and myself and for most of my clients when I was practicing, the bedroom works better if the woman is in control. The bedroom is about emotions during the foreplay and all but a few seconds of the actual love act and for the several minutes after your orgasms while you cuddle and bask in the joy you just experienced. Women are better at expressing and dealing with emotions. Men have all the same emotions but have some difficulty in letting them loose. The woman can bring them out. Men do not have to have an orgasm every time they make love and for several reasons, their orgasms are actually better both physically and emotionally if they don’t. There is no universal “right” number of times or universal time between them. It will vary for every man and every couple. The man will get a strong emotional feeling by doing nothing more than pleasing his wife in bed. This is never enough though. Seriously, this is not enough! The man has the same emotional needs as the wife and he needs to feel just as loved as she does. This does not mean he has to have an orgasm just because he gave her one. It means she has to show him her love too. She has to kiss him in a way that says she loves him. She has to caress and massage his body just like she expects him to do for her. I do not like the idea of permanent denial or making his orgasms rare to non-existent, though it may work for some couples. Orgasms for him as an act of love are a reassurance of how much she loves him and if the couple can do it nearly simultaneously it makes for an amazing bonding moment. This is especially true if it is not an everyday occurrence. For us at our age, once a week works well. For younger couples, twice a week might be good. As I said though, there is no correct number and it if one partner has a very low libido, less frequently may work better for the couple.
If the wife takes the stand that the bedroom is about her and she does not return the love and all he gets to feel is “compersion,” then he is being short changed. Eventually he will become depressed or resentful or even angry depending on his make-up. This is “POWER EXCHANGE.” She is doing to him what she would so resent if he did it to her. It is just as wrong as when the man makes it about his power. The bedroom should never be about power, by either partner. That said, control and guidance are not about power. When the woman takes the lead and makes the bedroom a loving place for both of them it is about the love. It becomes about compromise and understanding each other’s needs. The man makes his wife feel loved emotionally, and if she desires, physically so that the bedroom is a place of satisfaction and contentment for her. He accepts fewer orgasms. But she caresses him and kisses him and makes sure he feels every bit as loved emotionally as she does even on nights he does not get to finish. There is no "get out of jail free card" for either partner. Both have to supply physical and emotional energy in the bedroom every time.
Power in a relationship is bad! Period! Relationships are about love. When the relationship is about power, the love soon morphs into love of the power instead of love of the partner. A sound, long term relationship involves compromise by both partners. This is not to say you can’t have one partner lead. It may be a case where one partner leads in some aspects and the other partner leads in others. In our case D is in charge of our finances (although he made sure I am financially independent for a wonderful reason. It was the only time he made me cry.) I take the lead in everything social and in the bedroom. Household chores just get done by whoever has time at the moment. D actually likes to do the cooking so he does that for fun so it isn’t even like a chore.
Think of what you have is the woman leading in a loving relationship or marriage. Calling it a power exchange runs the risk that she will begin to think of it as power rather than loving control. Just my thoughts. But then I hate when we put labels on anything in order to make them fit in some pre-defined box.
Power in a relationship is bad! Period! Relationships are about love.
Making a choice the partner has consented to is part of the relationship dynamics. These choices should be made in LOVE.