Communication

I absolutely agree that communication is of the utmost importance and I disagree that the website is domination/submissive relationships. The website is about creating a harmonious balance of love, lust and communication in a relationship to increase happiness for both parties. Be that MM/MF/FF/FM/FMF/MFM because we've got all sorts here. I'm curious to know why you might think that communication takes a back seat.

It is possible I over analyze some but as I read your blogs I definitely come away with a feeling that what you are selling is total control.  Part of that control seems to be related to how you present communication.  If you read my final reply to my "Blogs are Masterpieces" thread in the intro section you know how I am sure that the blog on “Don’t Want Sex.  Lock Him Up” is not about sex at all but about controlling communication.  It is hard to read it and get any other take.  I almost thought for a moment that I had read too much into it but today I saw for the first time a random quote that confirmed my read.  It read, “Opinions are like orgasms.  Mine are important and I don’t care if you have one.” 

You often mention the importance of communication, especially when suggesting more extreme activities such as cuckolding.  But I never see anything about how to do it.  Communication is so complicated.  Over the years I had many clients who talked to each other about everything but they never communicated.  No one teaches the art except people who were in positions like I was.  We didn’t get involved until the couple was already in trouble and sometimes it was already too late.

I am sure you are well aware that communication is more than talking.  Here are just a few of the things that come to mind as I write this that differentiate communication from blah, blah, blah.

Listening.  Not planning your response while he talks but listening.  If you need a minute to think after he finishes speaking tell him you have to process that thought.  He will know you at least listened to everything he said and you are trying to understand it.  

Body Language.  How they hold themselves can tell you if they are nervous or frightened or happy or confident.  Especially facial expression.  You have to learn to read him and not just his words.

Use of specific words.  When he doesn’t use a pet name when you would expect him to.  When he struggles to find a word that describes his feeling.  These tell you he is possibly nervous or struggling with a feeling.  Words like “jiggety” that the man (Kevin?) used in the "Lock Him Up" Blog definitely say “I am nervous and want to say something very difficult to say.”

Things not said.  What is not said can be more important than what is actually said.  For example what you wrote in your non-monogamy blog after being “blue” for three weeks.  Twice you bragged how Kevin noticed you were down and he took you to dinner.  You never once mentioned that he hugged you or held your hand and told you it was going to be okay and that this too would pass.  Normally that would be 10 times as important as him taking you out to dinner.  What you didn’t say may be more telling than what you did say.

Tone.  Just the way you speak, your voice again says so much more than the words.  Is it harsh, or gentle?  Loud or soft?  sincere or trying to sell a bill of goods?

How to argue.  So many couples turn an argument or disagreement into a personal attack.  Instead of saying that a comment hurt or was mean they call the other person mean or a bitch.  Words can never be unsaid.  When you call your partner stupid or an SOB, you can apologize all you want but he is going to remember what you thought of him at that moment for a long, long time. 

These are just the things off the top of my head that are so important in communicating.  Nobody teaches them in school or even at home.  I saw too many marriages suffer because couples did not know how to communicate.

With your writing and communication skills you are the one person here that can teach this skill.  It may be even more important at a site like this where couples are living outside the box so to speak.  Especially for new members that are trying the kink for the first time.  Not understanding each other cannot only ruin the kink but even the relationship.  The veterans here may also benefit if it helps them better understand their partner when they try new things.

Sorry for the rant.  I will get off my high horse now and just ask you to consider actually teaching communication to your followers.   

@mrs-j-k It's been understanding that the "random quotes" are quotes submitted by members to be added to all the other random quotes.  I don't any of them can necessarily confirm or deny any particular read of any other than the author of the quote.  It's also been my understanding that these scrolling random quotes are intended to be whimsical and fun, and not telling.  Emma, correct me if I am wrong.

It is interesting hat subject of communication can evolve (see what I did there?) into a debate.  I happen to agree that real, honest, genuine, deep communication is life or deal vital in any relationship.  Personally, for my wife and I, the quality and of communication that has developed over the years we have practiced a loving WLM, has come naturally for both of and us made what an already strong bond, even stronger.  Also for us, whether sold by me or bought by her, total control by her has developed and continues to develop, all of which is both desired and welcome.  On my end, it requires a level of trust in her that such control will only ever be beneficial for us as a couple and that it will never be abused to the detriment of our relationship.  In other words, we each are far better for it.

@subhubphx That is my bad.  I assumed that Miss Emma created the quotes.  She majored in psychology and I am sure she is aware of the power of repeating, short, catchy quotes.  Marketers have been using this technique for years with great success.  I am sure you have heard the line, "Tell a lie enough time and it become the truth."  I thought Miss Emma was using this technique to embed these ideas in our brains.  Apparently I was over thinking it.  

I m glad you and your wife learned to communicate so well over the years.  It is not an easy skill.  I don't remember a single couple in my 25 years of counseling whose problems were not primarily communication related.  It ticks (Like to use a non "G" rated word here) me off that communication skills are not part of any curriculum.  Even debate teams do not learn truly useful, personal communication skills.  If the other members here are as successful as you and your wife then maybe a lesson on the subject would not be that helpful.  I will be quiet on the subject from here on out and let Miss Emma decide.