Hello ... is this thing on? Where is everyone?

Right?  It has been obvious that has been some technical difficulty.  I wonder if it has resulted in some people having difficulty posting.  Hope the bug is found and squished.

I mentioned in my first introduction post that the forum is not particularly interactive.  I think many are here, as I am, for the moderator’s blogs.  I still visit the site about twice a day to see if there is a new blog and to scan the forums.  I was politely but soundly scolded for my number of statements disagreeing with Miss Emma so I am being more careful about posting my thoughts.  I was even compared to a couple that apparently was so obnoxious in their comments about Miss Emma that they were encouraged to leave.  Miss Emma seems to be very tolerant and has a very mature attitude about criticism so they must have been very rude or crude indeed.  That said, I looked back at my postings and I may have, in fact overstated my points.  So I am backing off.  I will not apologize for my views or philosophy but I will apologize for my weakness in the composition skills.  Helping couples come to grips and express their feelings and learn how to communicate in a relationship is far different than writing a paper on one’s philosophy.  That is one reason I admire Miss Emma’s talents.

I am not trying to bash Miss Emma or her teachings.  I am learning that I may be reading too much into what she is saying.  I am trying to better understand this woman so I can better understand her blogs.  I feel that even I and D, who are not in the true life style, can still learn from her. 

I have some problem with the little inconsistencies and contradictions between some blogs and in her posts and responses in the forum.  Right now I am wrestling, as I stated in my last post in “Poly-friending,” with how she can say that Playful and silly keeps the spark alive and overcomes the “stale” in a relationship and then turn around and say that it is inevitable that in all relationships the lust and passion will be overtaken by the comfort of love and will disappear.

I understand she has no obligation to explain herself to me or anyone else.  No one has the right to demand another person make your problem their problem.  I am instead, rereading many of the blogs that seem contradictory to me or to my way of thinking in hopes I can reconcile them in my mind. 

I hope you understand better where I am coming from and I am in no way trying to demean or insult our host. 

@mrs-j-k    All good.  I'm sorry if you felt you were scolded, politely or otherwise.  You weren't.  I intended to be transparent with a simple inquiry.  "Just wondering is all."

Posted by: @mrs-j-k

I was politely but soundly scolded for my number of statements disagreeing with Miss Emma so I am being more careful about posting my thoughts.  I was even compared to a couple that apparently was so obnoxious in their comments about Miss Emma that they were encouraged to leave.

There will always be scolds, but you and your opinions are most welcome here. Please don't bite your tongue just because someone does not like your opinion.

Besides, this is a pretty kinky topic to start with.

Been busy with work, wife is approaching finals with school, kids are in sports ... but hey COVID mask requirements are finally being lifted! Hopefully find some more time soon to read and contribute.

Still being new to the site, it seem like there is someone new that comes on every now and again and starts an interested thread. It is more difficult to continually create content the way Emma does. 

Posted by: @subhubphx

@mrs-j-k    All good.  I'm sorry if you felt you were scolded, politely or otherwise.  You weren't.  I intended to be transparent with a simple inquiry.  "Just wondering is all."

 

@subhubphx

I am glad we are okay.  I do not wish to upset anyone here.  You started this thread because you were concerned that no one seemed to be active on the site.  I was primarily commenting on why I had not posted in the last couple of days.  Your “wondering” did make me take a second look at my posts and, as I said, I realized I was coming on a bit strong.  My passion sometimes gets the best of me.  So it is best if I do back off a little. 

Actually I have stated all of my views that are pertinent at this point so I will be posting less anyway.  I will probably not post any new threads until I end my wrestling match with myself. LOL

I have been browsing through forum posts and what not for the most part lately. I’ve felt a little down or pessimistic about how our exploring chastity/flr has been going recently and just less motivated to share.

I feel like my wife prefers not having me locked in chastity and instead exercise more self control. Which I can understand how that is more attractive. However, it is fairly exhausting mentally to do and I’m struggling to control some negative emotions that seem to arise more easily this way.

It’s probably mostly in my head and I need to focus elsewhere. 

Posted by: @locked4_wife

I feel like my wife prefers not having me locked in chastity and instead exercise more self control.

I completely understand this method of chastity.  For the first 10 of the 11 years, I was on the honor system.  The last year, (mostly) permanent, always-on caging.  We both agree (Ms. K. and I0 that the latter is better than the former.

Posted by: @locked4_wife

I have been browsing through forum posts and what not for the most part lately. I’ve felt a little down or pessimistic about how our exploring chastity/flr has been going recently and just less motivated to share.

I feel like my wife prefers not having me locked in chastity and instead exercise more self control. Which I can understand how that is more attractive. However, it is fairly exhausting mentally to do and I’m struggling to control some negative emotions that seem to arise more easily this way.

It’s probably mostly in my head and I need to focus elsewhere. 

It is totally in your head.  And yes you need to focus on your wife's needs and desires.  Talk to her and make sure she understands you need her to take control of the bedroom and that the bedroom is to be about her.  Then you need to talk to yourself about why you love her and how can you be the man she wants and loves.  There is no reason you cannot do more around the house or surprise her with little things and show her intimacy instead of sex all the time without wearing a cage.

D J-K has never worn a cage but he has no problem letting me control our sex life and determine when I just want to be intimate and when I want mutual sex.  He has no problem seeing our household as "OUR" household and knowing it is OUR responsibility to keep it running smoothly.  There is no "woman's work" in a relationship. 

So quit feeling sorry for yourself and act like a real man.  Being submissive to her needs doesn't mean you are not a man.  It means you care.  You don't actually need a cage for any of this to happen and if you do it without the cage it will mean even more to her.   

@mrs-j-k You’re comment probably makes sense for the majority of married men and coming into this cold I could see where you would jump to “do more around the house and show her intimacy” etc. I’m not looking for sex all the time either. It’s really no fun for me if she isn’t getting enjoyment out of it. Then it becomes a chore or duty and Not what it should be.

However that’s not the problem in our household. More so it seems she feels guilty about all that I am doing and all that I offer to do to make her life easier. 

I’m also not moping around as my comment might sound like I am (wasn’t intended). It’s more so an internal struggle and wrestling of emotions that I felt comfortable sharing here.

The biggest feeling I’m struggling with is a feeling of unimportance or undesirability. Being put on the back burner if that makes sense. Which the cage somewhat mediated that feeling me and seemed to help her too. 

@subhubphx Just seems like so much effort must be made with the honor system (on both sides). Feels like more of a burden on her to go this route and seems easier to feel forgotten from my perspective. I don’t know.  Probably in my head like I said in my original post. 

Posted by: @locked4_wife

You’re comment probably makes sense for the majority of married men and coming into this cold I could see where you would jump to “do more around the house and show her intimacy” etc. I’m not looking for sex all the time either. It’s really no fun for me if she isn’t getting enjoyment out of it. Then it becomes a chore or duty and Not what it should be.

Good job opening up on here. I'm pretty new myself but will give a response a go:

When I first started researching FLR, I considered myself to already do many of the things that were considered "benefits" of FLRs. After much musing, I realized that helping the wife to relax and not feel the constant stress of life is what really helped our relationship. The house can be perfectly clean, but the stresses of life will wreck the mood. However, events come and the chores of life still need to get done. Some times it feels like a duty and is a chore. Other times, you may be the one being taken care of, but are too stressed to see it. 

Maybe find something you like to do (by yourself) as a reward for when you complete the chores (and see if doing that is OK with her). That advise is hard for me because really, I just want to do things with her.

Sounds like you are in a rough spot. Good luck.

Posted by: @locked4_wife

 

The biggest feeling I’m struggling with is a feeling of unimportance or undesirability. Being put on the back burner if that makes sense. Which the cage somewhat mediated that feeling me and seemed to help her too. 

I am sorry, I totally misunderstood where you were coming from.  This is still only a little about the cage but I can understand how the cage helps you.  

What you say makes perfect sense.  It appears it is not so much she doesn't like the cage but rather the obligation.  It seems she feels you do so much that she can't reciprocate and you wearing the chastity device is just one more thing she can't give back to you.  

She may be struggling with some issues also that have her distracted and not able to give you much attention.  You need to find a time when it is quiet and neither one of you has anything urgent going on and sit down and talk to her.  Open up about how you feel a little abandoned but at the same time encourage her to open up about anything that is bothering her. 

I think you may both be holding back on talking about something so important for fear of hurting each other.  Trust me, having the honest and frank conversation may hurt while you are having it, but not having it will hurt for a long time to come.  If you can both open up you will both feel better. 

Remember when you talk to her, do not attack.  In your possible frustration never say things like "you don't love me" or "you don't care."  Let her know that you are feeling alone and need attention from her that shows you her love.  And don't forget to listen.  Listen to every word.  Then figure out what to respond.  At some point the chastity will probably come up and you can discuss it from the point of view that in its weird way it makes you feel wanted.  Good luck.  

@mrs-j-k Thank you. I appreciate the advice and guidance. Like I said I think most of this is just in my head. Over the past year we’ve had a lot of fun together playing with chastity and a bit of an FLR dynamic for our sex life and things have really improved in many ways. She definitely has some reservations about the cage and that’s likely why she has leaned more towards not using it lately.

It’s hard to explain why it is more of a challenge mentally to go without the cage.