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Caged & Confused

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Keeping It Real
(@keeping-it-real)
Posts: 11
Eminent Member
Topic starter
 

I don't know what you would call a part time cage couple, but that is us. My sex drive is a non-constant. One week I may want sex twice, the next week once and the following week not at all. Some times I couldn't be bothered with sex at all. Even if my sex drive is there, some times I want sex and other times I just want to get off so I make quick work of the urges with my vibrator.

Him on the other hand, you can set a clock to his mojo. If more than a few days go by, he jokes about the cage and lockup time as he puts it. I know that caging him gives him attention that he is lacking from me in other ways and I feel guilty about simply not having the same drive he does. I like that the cage gives him some sexual excitement and intimacy with me despite my clear difference in drive. Feelings of guilt don't make me feel more interested in sex so I wanted to see how we can expand our use of the cage to make him feel more loved. I really have no understanding or expectations with what to do. I resorted to the internet, this site and others before I sat down and talked to him about it. He was uncomfortable and I asked why? He said that he was ashamed that he found the cage arousing and additionally he wanted it to be something I initiated. Even though I knew this sexy play was arousing, he was anxious and ashamed that it turned him on. I reminded him that I am not a mind reader and I haven't the faintest clue about what I can do to make it rewarding for him. Further, sex is not a shameful thing but it is infinitely complex. Exploring and unraveling our sexuality together is part of our marital agreement and we are both in it for the long haul, together. 

Here is what we got from our conversation and I hope it helps some of you that are just as confused. 

He wants me to dictate lockup time. He wants me to tell him to drop what he is doing and go lock himself up. The urgency behind my demand shows him that it is important to me. This means; by extension that he is important to me. 

He wants me to tease him in his cage. He wants me to walk up and wiggle his cage or grab his cage in one hand, butt in the other and growl. I did this once and it gave him shivers. This isn't how I work but it isn't about how I work. Right?

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When I am horny but don't want sex, he wants me to allow him to watch. Locked. I did this once and his torturous moans made me feel like I was doing a horrendous thing but come to find out, it was one of his favorite things.

He wants me to dress sexy for him and tease him in the bedroom while he is locked. Playfully say things about how we could be having sex if it wasn't for his little lock.

He wants me to stop him in the middle of sex and tell him to lock himself while I finish on my own with my vibrator or a dildo. This brought a devilish grin to my face.

He craves my comments about his "little guy" or "teenie weenie" or "little man". This isn't cage related but I didn't know how arousing he found the size related comments. His size is fine but the size comments give him a rush of arousal that makes him feel sexy. This seems completely reverse to me so I asked why he didn't get arousal from comments about "big guy" or the like. He said that it didn't feel playful or genuine and didn't have the same effect. There is probably more to unravel here but I wanted to share. 

Pegging is also a big part of our sex life, he wants me to leave him locked some of the time. Not knowing if he will be locked or unlocked is very arousing.

Some of this, I may never do. Why? Because it doesn't feel like me. Some of it I might do once or twice. Admittedly I don't understand the psychology behind the whole thing but if it satisfies him sexually and involves minimal effort from me. Why not? Hell, the dressing up and teasing was quite fun and made me feel sexy in the process. The rest of it was really interesting and I had to pull some of it out of him because he intrinsically just wanted me to do it. Not quite how it works, lover. 

The confusing part is knowing that he finds these things arousing but in the moment, he protests or complains and that is downright frustrating. Do you or don't you want this? He told me that he protests sometimes because the arousing part is for me to be making him do it. If I ask him he won't say yes because it loses the thrill and excitement. I told him that the complaining needs to stop, if I tell him something once that is it. It isn't fun if it turns into an argument, I'm not going there. If the fun is doing what you are told then do it.

The allure for me is being in control and I have come to quite enjoy having the key and lightly teasing with him about it. Wearing his actual key on my necklace and teasing him by jingling it or rubbing it on my chest. Quite the attention grabber for him if I must say so. Until now, the allure for him has been a puzzle that I was supposed to somehow figure out. I finally got a glimpse into what I can do to make him enjoy it and I'll try some new things now that I know what to try. It seems like so much of our sex life is about me feeling guilty for not wanting it as much as he does. Feeling guilty makes me feel like sex is an expectation and if the #metoo movement has told us anything, it is that women don't like being told what to do; sexually. 

What if I forget? Yeah, I am busy. I have a career. I have meetings, calls and sometimes that gets in the way of us. I get it. So I told him to lock himself and bring me the key. He said that self-locking completely defeats the purpose. I approached it differently and told him that bringing me the key is something that I want. If he wants to please or serve me as a wife, I need to know when things need attention. He was apprehensive but agreed that he would lock himself up and bring me the key if feeling sexually forlorn. 

I am thankful for him and I am grateful that he opened up with me so we can enjoy our sex lives even more together. All of this may seem complicated but it is the cheat-sheet that I needed to try and navigate this with him. We are just starting to understand what sex in our 40s really means. With the confidence to explore our sexuality without societal boundaries is great. I feel sexually comfortable with him like nobody else in my life and the tough conversations are some of the best, drawing us deeper and closer emotionally. Nobody gets married to be sexually unfulfilled and my marriage is no different. I want my wonderful 46 year old stay at home dad with two wonderful daughters to feel sexy and never taken for granted. It is only natural for a stay at home parent to struggle at times but I am excited and hopeful that we can keep our sex life active through our stressful 40s when other couples are struggling with sexual neglect and divorce. If they only knew. Feeling neglected? Get your cage!

After our heart to heart I am finally starting to understand the aspects that arouse him so I can toy with those to torment my beautiful man. Cage play adds a twist of naughtiness to our sex life and our everyday sexual play. As a control freak, being in charge of where things go sexually is not just a turn-on but an absolute must. Some of the things he was ashamed to share will be wonderfully/wickedly fun to explore together and they almost remained a secret because he was reluctant to open up about them. Keep talking and sharing, gorgeous man. I am excited to see where our love takes us next. I do want to explore sexually with you and the more we talk through these fantasies together, the more you will see that I am not as sexually reserved as you thought.

Thank you for the site, we have learned so much.

 
Posted : 14/11/2021 3:27 pm
RIChris, lockedforlynn, RIChris and 3 people reacted
Mrs
 Mrs
(@mrs)
Posts: 4
Eminent Member
 

You wrote how I am feeling about this situation with my husband as well. We started to experiment with a cage only 1.5 months ago. Next, came a strap-on dildo that is bigger than he is. We have had sex more in the past 1.5 months. He would take sex everyday if I let him. But I have absolutely No Sex Drive! Even in the past 1.5 months, I have encouraged the cage for him and demanded the cage be put on. I'm trying my best to have his needs met, even though I don't feel like having sex still. He mentioned the pleasure he has from me 'getting off' during sex when he isn't allowed to. He wants me to be pleasured, because then it drives him wild. I feel quilt from still not wanting sex. 

I never have the urge to have sex, but if I happen to become excited by a vibrator or his fingers, then sex will happen and I'm pleasured almost 100% of the time. But the urge to 'start' is never there for me. 

 
Posted : 14/11/2021 6:49 pm
djv, Keeping It Real, djv and 3 people reacted
Keeping It Real
(@keeping-it-real)
Posts: 11
Eminent Member
Topic starter
 

@mrs That sounds very familiar. My OBGYN says that it is a mixture of over 40s hormone drop and the birth control she has me on. In fact, she said to just go with it when he is in the mood and nothing is stopping us from having sex. Like you; when I do so, I feel desire and get into the mood but I want to feel the sexual energy of being in lust with him. I want to feel like I did when we were first dating, having dinner and I simply could not wait to get him home and rip his clothes off. I feel like that is what he deserves and that is what I promised him when we got married. He wants me to want him and I don't feel like that is too much to ask.

My husband is an amazing man and he deserves better than what my body wants to give him. Let me restate as I choose to be a better partner than what my body is telling me I should be. If the cage is an outlet for his sexual energy that makes him feel the amount of love I have for him, then I want to do it.

Some of the other blogs on this site talk about our guys wanting to make sure we are sexually satisfied and it possibly having something to do with their own self confidence. I think that is the case for me. I want sex and I love sex with my husband but my desire isn't there. Another blog said something about flirting with others giving a boost of sexual energy. We tried that recently and it was no lie. My body has that fire within it but not for my husband. I know lust is a chemical reaction that dies with a mature relationship but I want it back. I have a sex drive hidden somewhere but my body wants the energy that comes with a new partner, it makes me feel a deep sexual confidence. Flirting, dancing and having fun with other guys seems to awaken that part of me but I feel like it may be a slippery slope. My husband encourages me to move faster than I feel comfortable with because he can see in me what I feel in myself. I love that he wants me to feel the way I need to move slow and reassure him that I am not missing anything with him. He is who I want to spend my life with but my body betrays my love for him. 

 

 
Posted : 14/11/2021 8:06 pm
RIChris, Mrs, RIChris and 3 people reacted
Keeping It Real
(@keeping-it-real)
Posts: 11
Eminent Member
Topic starter
 

How do you feel about the strap-on? We started slow with that and let me tell you, it is a workout for your abs! I thought it was silly the first time but went along with it. I think we were both anxious the first time, really. The second time we tried was much more successful. The noises he made and the control I felt was addictive. We also started far too large of a toy and downsized. He wanted one that didn't resemble a penis and we found one that he likes.

I don't really have to get into the mood for pegging because it doesn't take much of me so I can be ready to go frequently. I even packed my equipment for a recent day trip to my parents. We stayed in a hotel because my parents house is small but the girls stayed with them. While he was in the shower at the hotel I handed him his little bum douche and told him to clean up for me with a little swat on the bottom. I put on my kit and when he crawled into the hotel bed he felt my something extra. We had wonderful foreplay and cuddling followed by some deep lovemaking.

Like I said. He is important and I refuse to let my body dictate what I give back for everything he gives to me, it is a huge source of internal conflict, guilt and frustration for me. 

 
Posted : 14/11/2021 8:19 pm
RIChris, RIChris and RIChris reacted
Cascahuin
(@cascahuin)
Posts: 1
New Member
 
Posted by: @keeping-it-real

Like I said. He is important and I refuse to let my body dictate what I give back for everything he gives to me, it is a huge source of internal conflict, guilt and frustration for me. 

You carry so much guilt but you are going out of your way to address your husband's needs. You cannot be responsible for your desire,  only for taking responsibility for your effort. You seem to be full of loving commitment for him or else why would you be posting here? The guilt will pull you down, get ahead of it and forgive yourself. Our situations are not so different, the cage works wonders for focusing his love on me and I on him.

 
Posted : 14/11/2021 10:20 pm
Mrs, RIChris, Mrs and 3 people reacted
Stevesub
(@stevesub)
Posts: 48
Estimable Member
 

Hi KiR, I'm a sub man in 24/7/365 FLR, but the journey both I and my wife had to get here wasn't easy (mainly down to me).

Going back around six years, what I decided I wanted was for my sex life to get a whole bunch kinkier, including getting to grips with a girly submissive side I had hitherto brushed under the carpet, and to become a chastised, orgasm-denied sexual plaything for my wife. BUT ... I wanted to be submissive in exactly the way I wanted, with my wife setting challenges, designing humiliating household chores, being dominant in bed, "forcing" me to wear lingerie - the list was exhaustive.

Well, the idea went down like a lead balloon, and the stupidest thing was that I didn't even get why. I sulked a lot, my wife became deeply unhappy, and I came to the view that the whole thing had been a bad idea and a fiasco and to just shut up about the whole thing, though I thought she was being unreasonable. I consider now, looking back, that I had for a time put our marriage in jeopardy.

From what you write, your husband is going through the same process I did, attempting to "top from the bottom", going at it like a bull in a china shop and making a mess of the whole thing.

I am eternally grateful to come across, just as I was about to throw in the towel, a website run by a woman called Elise Sutton, who teaches the innateness of female superiority, not a million miles away from Emma's ethos here.

While Ms Sutton's teachings are not for the faint-hearted and I take issue with many of them, she crucially holds that a reasonable woman could not but enjoy being in a female-led relationship, but that the FLR needs to be attractive to her and is more than just being coerced into spanking a naughty caged husband. Given that, according to Ms S, women are superior and are unlikely therefore to be in the wrong, if a husband is failing to persuade his wife then the fault must lie with the husband. A properly submissive husband will make his wife's life easier in many ways, including taking on household chores, being attentive and respectful, and not putting sexual pressure on via emotional blackmail or any other means.

After much thought and armed with this newly-acquired insight, I went back to my wife. Firstly, I apologised unreservedly for my attitude and actions of the preceding weeks. Secondly, I shared with her that I still had the kinky urges I had told her about, but instead of being "forced" into them by her, I was just going to do them myself if she was OK with that. So bondage became self-bondage, forced cross-dressing became cross-dressing and enforced T&D became edging. I also put it to her that I intended to start doing chores, including vacuuming, ironing (that was a learning curve), washing up and more cooking. Oh, and I was going to do them naked.

This went down far better than my first attempt, though she did forbid me from cooking in the nude. I drew up a list of chores she could expect to be done regularly, and rules I would pretend I was being forced to follow. She not only was accepting, she added some extra chores and some extra kinks (ironing to be done naked but also butt-plugged for instance).

A couple of months later, after I surprised her with my first chastity cage, she told me to hand over the key - a helluva milestone. The journey continues.

In your own situation my sympathy lies almost entirely with you, except I feel for your husband in that he hasn't gotten that if he's going to be submissive then he needs to be submissive, and subs do not dictate how they're going to be submissive.

I hope your husband works it out, but it's on him to do so not you. Nothing wrong with a bit of domme roleplaying of course, as long as you're ok with it. But FLR needs to be FLR, not dressed-up MLR. He can be inventive as he likes, but it all has to be signed off by you with no pressure (or sulking).

I could be way wide of the mark by sharing my own experiences, and apologies if this is so. But I hope it's useful.

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 7:21 am
Keeping It Real
(@keeping-it-real)
Posts: 11
Eminent Member
Topic starter
 

Thank you @stevesub your process and experience is some great insight into how things could go down. I think you may have misread or I miscommunicated the setup in my situation. I admit that we are not as sexual as we once were but he is no less of a partner. The cage is something that we tried to get him sexual attention that he craved without resenting me into having sex that I did not want. He made it clear that reluctant sex is not the sex he wants and I appreciate that greatly.

My problem is that I didn't know what to do. After several missteps I was at the point of either putting the cage away and calling it quits or having a conversation to try and understand what specifically makes it rewarding for him. I don't ever want to be the bad guy in the marriage and I am certainly not a domme so it doesn't come natural but it is fun as I learn it.

I can tell that the boost of sexual energy motivates him. When locked, he is super productive around the house and in a much better mood so I wanted to get to the bottom of it. What specifically works and how can I give more of my energy to support him.

@cascahuin I am trying but I promised something at the onset of our marriage and I am no longer providing that for him but for no lack of want. Initiating sex essentially went away for me and I would become frustrated if he would try and initiate it. A zero sum equation that we both realized needed a better solution.

We have the relationship and family side of happiness figured out and I feel like we are just coming to grasp what a strong middle age adult sexuality looks like. At least our version of it.

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 7:42 am
Stevesub, RIChris, djv and 6 people reacted
Jd3064169
(@jd3064169)
Posts: 55
Estimable Member
 

@keeping-it-real 

Not sure how this will go over as this site is about getting advice, but a year ago I found a really helpful book. It's called "Uniquely Rika"  It layer things out really well and gave good guidance.   One thing she said was for each of you to make a list. Your list should be things you feel are service oriented things he can do for you to make your daily life easier.  IE: he does dishes, he gives weekly massages, or he keeps your car clean inside & our, etc etc, his list will be not only things he thinks are a service to you  IE: running errands 4 u. Grocery shopping, or some house hold chore, but he also includes the kinky things he likes such as what you listed. Then you guys sit down and and go thru them. You pick things on your list & those become things he takes on, along with anything on his list. As far as his kinks go, you go thru those and cross off anything that's a hard limit for you. Anything else on his list is fair game & he should not argue when you do those.   The thing I thought was best part  was that you use those kinks as treats (not expectations) that you dole out when ever you want to do something just because. When you want.  There's more to it, but that is the jist of it.   BTW there's nothing wrong with you wanting a quickie with your vibrator, but as a guy heck yes we want to at least watch. You can evoke a rule he has to be silent,  you can even make it one of his treats. 

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 8:00 am
Headtrip
(@headtrip)
Posts: 47
Trusted Member
 

I love the dialoge, ladies.  It is so helpful to hear more from the womans side of this.

 

Not sure if what helped us might help you but my Queen, who normally loves sex, has seen her interest dwindle as a result of medications.  Sooo.. she put it on me!  I am expected to massage her feet (evenings) and back (am usually) and work my way "there".  My job is to read her body language and try to get her in the mood and get her to orgasm.  Sometimes she will push me away but usually I can get her over the edge.  Either way we cuddle and I tell her "thanks" for letting me show her I care.  

She also enjoys the power exchange from edging ne, even if she wants zero sex in return.  As a rule she will never take me out of the cage because I ask (I never even see the key), but imy asking (or moodiness) is her cue to take me out and edge me in the near future at her choosing.  I get attention, she feels powerful and we both feel loved, without any traditional sex.

Hope you keep at it until you find what really works for YOU.  Trust me, that is what he wants, too.

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 8:38 am
djv, djv and djv reacted
Richris
(@richris)
Posts: 13
Eminent Member
 

@mrs You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.  Your sex drive, whatever level it is, is just one beautiful part of the beautiful whole that is you, the woman your husband adores and is privileged to spend his life with.  I can't tell from your post how much of your own struggles you have shared with him.  He is opening up to you about his inner life - which is great!  Do the same for him.  Done right, intimacy (including, but not limited to sex) is the ultimate two-way street.  It is about you getting your needs acknowledged and met every bit as much (some folks would argue more ? ) as it is about him getting his met.  Men, by and large, are fairly simple.  We tend to equate sex and intimacy.  Bringing you pleasure makes him feel happy and close to you.  But he may not understand that for you, pleasure is a larger, more wholistic matter that can transcend physical sexual arousal and take in many other kinds of sensory and emotional stimulation and connection.  Help him.  Broaden his horizons and his understanding of how your mind and body work.  Don't be afraid to let him know what else he can do besides being directly sexual to bring you pleasure or help you feel closer or more connected to him.  He might be slightly resistant or confused or insecure at first, but when the message gets home that he is genuinely making you happy, see if his enthusiasm doesn't take off!

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 5:20 pm
Richris
(@richris)
Posts: 13
Eminent Member
 
Posted by: @keeping-it-real

@mrs That sounds very familiar. My OBGYN says that it is a mixture of over 40s hormone drop and the birth control she has me on. In fact, she said to just go with it when he is in the mood and nothing is stopping us from having sex. Like you; when I do so, I feel desire and get into the mood but I want to feel the sexual energy of being in lust with him. I want to feel like I did when we were first dating, having dinner and I simply could not wait to get him home and rip his clothes off. I feel like that is what he deserves and that is what I promised him when we got married. He wants me to want him and I don't feel like that is too much to ask.

My husband is an amazing man and he deserves better than what my body wants to give him. Let me restate as I choose to be a better partner than what my body is telling me I should be. If the cage is an outlet for his sexual energy that makes him feel the amount of love I have for him, then I want to do it.

Some of the other blogs on this site talk about our guys wanting to make sure we are sexually satisfied and it possibly having something to do with their own self confidence. I think that is the case for me. I want sex and I love sex with my husband but my desire isn't there. Another blog said something about flirting with others giving a boost of sexual energy. We tried that recently and it was no lie. My body has that fire within it but not for my husband. I know lust is a chemical reaction that dies with a mature relationship but I want it back. I have a sex drive hidden somewhere but my body wants the energy that comes with a new partner, it makes me feel a deep sexual confidence. Flirting, dancing and having fun with other guys seems to awaken that part of me but I feel like it may be a slippery slope. My husband encourages me to move faster than I feel comfortable with because he can see in me what I feel in myself. I love that he wants me to feel the way I need to move slow and reassure him that I am not missing anything with him. He is who I want to spend my life with but my body betrays my love for him. 

 

I think you are being too hard on yourself, and that may be getting in your own way.  You promised to love your man.  No one reading your posts could question for an instant whether that is still the case; your love vibrates in every word you write about him.  He is a very, very lucky guy! ? 

You did not, however, promise to remain exactly the same person forever.  In fact, thank good ness we *don't* promise each other any such thing; yuck! ? 

Right now your mind and body crave the power surge that can come from letting your inner panther out and seeing her melt other man - even strangers - her erotic heat and magnetism.  You can play with them, taunt them and throw them back, aching for you even as you return to your loyal mate and unleash your awakened lust and power on his quivering, welcoming self.  Fun! ?  And he knows/craves it!  Why in the world should you feel bad about that?!  Listening to your own heart and body *is* being a good partner!

That said, you should never let him or anybody else pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do or feel ready to do.  You are the Queen, of both your own life and your relationship.  Your choices are your own and nobody else's.  If he gets carried away and starts pushing you, no matter how good his intentions may be, you are completely entitled to put him back in his place.  Firmly and clearly let him know that he's crossed a line and he needs to back off . . . and down.  Your leadership and power are as crucial to him and his well-being as your pleasure and acceptance.  A reminder that you are in charge and steering the boat of your marriage in the ways that matter will be primally reassuring to him.

Btw, as others have said, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.  It is helpful . . . and beautiful.

 
Posted : 15/11/2021 5:43 pm
Djv
 djv
(@djv)
Posts: 89
Member
 
Posted by: @keeping-it-real. The cage is something that we tried to get him sexual attention that he craved without resenting me into having sex that I did not want. He made it clear that reluctant sex is not the sex he wants and I appreciate that greatly.

My problem is that I didn't know what to do. After several missteps I was at the point of either putting the cage away and calling it quits or having a conversation to try and understand what specifically makes it rewarding for him. I don't ever want to be the bad guy in the marriage and I am certainly not a domme so it doesn't come natural but it is fun as I learn it.

I

I think is exactly where Mrs is with me. Your husband is probably much appreciative like myself, that you are willing to try. One thing i have noticed is, like Steve said, and so did the Rolling Stones, as the husband….you cant always get what you want ?

And that’s a good thing in the long run ?

As others have said, don’t beat yourself up about your sex drive. You will find your balance, and begin to enjoy it again, little by little. See where it goes. He will appreciate it all. I know i do, even though sometimes I’m impatient and want want want. I usually get the message, she’s in control now. 

 
Posted : 19/11/2021 9:37 am
Mrs
 Mrs
(@mrs)
Posts: 4
Eminent Member
 
Posted by: @keeping-it-real

How do you feel about the strap-on? We started slow with that and let me tell you, it is a workout for your abs! I thought it was silly the first time but went along with it.

Hi @keeping-it-real,

So, we actually got the strap-on for him to put on and use for my pleasure. We have not tried pegging as of yet. I am slightly interested but just not quite fully interested right. LOL I enjoyed the strap-on pleasuring me. 

 

 

 
Posted : 19/11/2021 10:07 am
djv, djv and djv reacted
Keeping It Real
(@keeping-it-real)
Posts: 11
Eminent Member
Topic starter
 

@mrs 

We haven't used a strap-on for my pleasure. I am not the biggest fan of penetrative sex, not really anyhow. It does sound curious and an exciting tease for him. Do you leave him caged while he fucks you with the strap-on or how do you keep his dick out of the way?

 
Posted : 19/11/2021 11:08 am
djv, djv and djv reacted
Mrs
 Mrs
(@mrs)
Posts: 4
Eminent Member
 

@keeping-it-real 

Good question! He is able to put his dick inside of the strap-on penis. So the fake penis covers the real one lol. We have not tried it yet with him caged.

 
Posted : 19/11/2021 12:18 pm
djv, djv and djv reacted
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