Do you have a husband who is lazy & unmotivated? Are you looking for ways to help regain some excitement in your marriage and in his day to day. Men can be absolutely amazing. Do you remember how he was when you first started dating? He was just like the man he is today but he had an extra something. An extra spark of life. Do you remember the chivalry that you felt when he would open the car door for you? That is all but gone now but what if I told you that it is possible to bring that man back? What if I told you that it was possible to reignite that spark by taking control of your relationship?
1) Communicate about the problem and agree to work together on a solution.
First and foremost, make sure that he understands the expectations that you have for him. The expectations of what you want from your marriage and make sure that you let him know that he is capable of being that man. It will likely go on deaf ears but it is important that he know what is missing, at least from his perspective. Don’t come at him with an angry tone. Use a tone of compassion and make certain to have some give an take. What can you do to make him pick up after himself? What can you do to help him with the lazy tendencies? Use compassion and make sure that he doesn’t think you are attacking him lest he get defensive or shut down. Remind him that you still love him, remind him of the things in your life that are wonderful such as kids and family. Don’t be overly critical and try to steer clear from specifics, you don’t want this to turn into an argument.
Hopefully the above conversation went well. If not, perhaps try another time with a lighter approach until you get a more compassionate response. Assuming it went well, tell him that you have some ideas that might help give him some extra motivation. Ask if he is interested in hearing some ideas that might bring that spark back. Don’t answer right away, tell him that you will do some research and talk to him about it later. Remember that your husband ultimately wants to please you. A happy wife is truly a happy life and both of you know it. So much of his happiness and confidence is derived from making his partner happy.
You could consider threatening him with the lazy husbands act of 1913 but that old law may not be applicable or effective in today’s day and age. Let’s try a different approach. How about if I told you that there is a pill that will make him subconsciously make him want to make him please you. What if I told you that this pill would also give him a great deal of personal and relationship satisfaction from making you happy. Start the conversation that way, knowing that at his core, he truly does want to make you happy. What I am peddling isn’t a pill or even a tonic, it is something that is tried and true and doesn’t have a long list of chemically adverse side effects. What I am suggesting is orgasm control. If your guy is like mine, he craves physical intimacy and loves sex. If you are like me, you crave emotional intimacy and also love a deeply intimate sexual connection with your partner. Orgasm control is a means to support both of your needs in the relationship. As you discuss orgasm control, he is going to have lots of questions. Does this mean that you are going to withhold sex? Absolutely not! Sex and intimacy may actually increase as you add orgasm control into your relationship. There really isn’t anything for him to worry about, this is designed to ensure that both of your needs are met.
2) Take control of orgasms to reignite his motivation.
If your guy is like most, he masturbates 3-5 times per week. But wait, my guy doesn’t masturbate that much! Yeah, he does. He just doesn’t tell you every time that he takes matters into his own hands. The first step is to put a damper on his self-love because it truly is cheating you both of relationship intimacy. Are you an open minded, modern gal who thinks that his self love doesn’t have an impact on you? Think again! The male orgasm is designed to make him clam up and shut down his ability to be emotionally intimate with you. Ask him to honestly tell you the last time he masturbated, I think you will be very surprised at the frequency. Discuss the hormonal shift that unregulated orgasms can create and the negative relationship symptoms that it may be creating.
Orgasm control has been practiced for thousands of years from taoism to tantra. Taking his orgasms and rationing them back to him prevents him from dulling his emotional side with frequent hits of dopamine. There are two methods, one is the honor system and the other is enforced by using some sort of device. For many men, starting with the honor system is a great way to see the initial effects but most fellas have been masturbating since their teens. Using a device to help them is like weaning them off of a drug that they’ve had access to since adolescence. The device itself can also help take the kink up a notch and keep the excitement level high for both of you. There are many designs of devices and you may go through a few before you find one that fits well. They range from very expensive custom fitted stainless steel devices to inexpensive plastic resin or silicone devices.
With orgasm control, you are in charge of his orgasm and that can take some getting used to. Many men find that they grow to prefer wearing the device as it becomes a subconscious reassurance of your support and a symbol of your love, removing it can feel strange and foreign like removing a wedding ring. This means that you can decide if he gets twenty orgasms per day (ouch!) or twenty orgasms per year. Getting him on a schedule is a great way to get him on board with either the honor system or a device based plan. This is something that you would work through and agree upon together. If you push this on him without the necessary conversation, he is likely to either feel manipulated or find it kinky for a week and become disinterested or resentful. A schedule will allow both of you to know when he is permitted his next orgasm without him constantly pestering you about it. Orgasm control can have negative side effects if you don’t communicate frequently and honestly so it is important that you set aside time to initiate conversations about the positive and negative impact that you are both seeing.
When you determine that the timing is right for an orgasm, you can do it however you want. You can give him permission at the onset of a sexual encounter or perhaps set aside some time for him to pleasure himself while you touch his body.
3) Directing his motivation toward your relationship.
Ok so I’ve got an emotional connection with a lazy husband. Great, what does that get me? Thanks for sticking around this far, I promised a solution and I appreciate you listening to the methods behind my madness. With orgasm control, he will be more concerned with your needs and the needs of your household. A chore list will help him understand his expectations and you can set goals for the week. If goals are met, orgasm happens. If goals aren’t met, orgasms get delayed for days or perhaps until the next weekly opportunity. All of these puzzle pieces are coming together now, right? Your fella probably isn’t a lazy guy, he simply lacks the proper form of motivation. When the dangling carrot of orgasm is used as a means of motivation, your husband will want to please you and seek out new ways of making you smile.
Here are a few goals that we’ve used in our relationship, weight loss, laundry, errands, yard work; heck we’ve even used my orgasms through oral sex as a gauge for earning one of his! For every ten orgasms I have, you get one of your own. One of the goals of orgasm control should be a playful heart. Regardless of age, play is minimized in our society and a playful mindset helps bring us together and enjoy our time spent together. If you play together, you become a team rather than self-serving adversaries.
4) Expect a servant mentality.
At face value, it may seem like he is doing things to earn an orgasm rather than doing things for the sake of your relationship. To that end, you might be initially discouraged because you want him to do these things for you rather than for himself. The interesting thing is that the orgasm control changes his headspace and shifts his mindset into a servant mentality. I use the word servant cautiously as I am not speaking of a submissive leather-clad slave or something from the world of bdsm.
A servant mindset shifts him from seeing you as on object for the purpose of his pleasure and puts you back on the pedestal you were on when he was pursuing you. His listening and empathy will grow and that will make him want to be helpful and more engaged with your relationship and with your family.
Another side effect you will see as he shifts to a servant love or mindset is the disappearance of the sex barter system. The sex barter system is a system where sex is used as a perceived currency. Bartering or bargaining comes from the expectation of sex based upon an anticipated frequency or performance of tasks. Have you ever heard him complain about the frequency of sex when your needs are mismatched? Has he ever expected sex after buying you flowers or perhaps doing some chores? While most men do this without knowing it, this mindset can feel deeply sexist and hurtful to those of us on the receiving end. As he subconsciously accepts that sexual release is not within his control, he will shift to a more compassionate and connected mindset. You will notice that much of his day to day energy is spent subconsciously trying to convince you to have sex with him. It is important that you recognize that this isn’t his fault and that he isn’t doing this to intentionally manipulate you. His hormones are making him pursue sexual release and you are the object that facilitates release. One would think that taking blatant control of his sexuality would amplify this but it doesn’t. In fact, the loss of direct control completely flips the equation.
5) Connect with him on a deeply physical and emotional level.
If he can’t have an orgasm, that means we can’t have sex. Right? Abso-freaking-lutely not. You can have as much sex as you like. In fact, you can have more sex but it will take some getting used to. Many of us have sex with the focus being on the prize or the orgasm at the end of the journey. What if you focus on the journey instead? Orgasms are great but they should be the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself. Men are especially guilty of this and I don’t really know why. The undue focus on orgasm takes the pleasure away from the journey itself. As women, many of us focus our sexual experience on helping our partner get to orgasm rather than allowing ourselves to be selfish and enjoy the act of doing the sexing. This can make sex feel like a chore and make sex something that we do for our partner rather than something that we do with our partner. Focus on the journey, the intimacy and the connection between the two of you. Stop short of his orgasm and take frequent breaks to keep his arousal level from getting too high.
My Kev and I separate his orgasm from our sex and rarely combine the two. This creates a pattern of separation in his mind and sex makes a shift to journey with destination. We may take several journeys without destination before we decide to visit the destination together. This guided approach takes a level of trust and commitment that will deepen the intimacy in your relationship. The first few times that sex ends without orgasm will be confusing and frustrating for him. Support him through this as he learns to adapt his expectations. We find that the device is an excellent tool to redirect his arousal. We keep his device on the night stand and when I am done, a simply loving “now lock it up for me” is enough to end things cleanly and without aggravation. Note that I am not asking, the word now is firm and confident so he knows that a protest will result in consequences such as a longer time until his next orgasm.
This may raise questions about fairness but there are so many facets to the conversation about fairness. Sex shouldn’t be about fairness, it should be about closeness and emotional intimacy. If we invoke the fairness card, we can bring up topics of periods, cramping, hormones, gender discrimination and childbirth that certainly turn play into any sort of argument. Any of those fun topics should be able to steer the conversation away from any sort of fairness debate. Rather than dwelling on negative topics, shift the focus to intimacy and a heightened sense of connection between you and your partner. For some reason, orgasm doesn’t typically have the same debilitating and demotivating impact on women that it does for men.
Orgasm control is widely understood to be a positive thing for men. Many men take it upon themselves to limit or temporarily remove orgasm from their lives to stimulate motivation and boost mental clarity. Check out nofap.com and the nofap subreddit for more information on the sex positive, self-managed approach. Many religious groups promote a more measured approach to sex. If left to his own devices, it can be difficult to initiate and a great amount of willpower to see it through. Using the strength of your relationship, using orgasmic motivation as tool can yield impressive results when you work together. As we grow to understand orgasmic and sexual motivation, orgasm control is becoming more popular.
Funny you posted this on a Sunday. It’s my lazy day! What I really am thinking about is what cage I should wear for hard work. My Dark Knight is too heavy sometimes.
I believe most wives would be shocked if they knew the actual amount we husbands masturbate. With such easy access to porn, it makes it so easy for men to get off whenever we want. Of course, the result is lack of interest in having sex with our spouse with low motivation. Wives need to actively monitor and control their husbands orgasms for the benefit of both partners.
So true. Another interesting fact is that guys don’t always do it because they are horny. Sometimes they do it to help them sleep, reduce stress and sometimes just because it is part of their routine. Worst of all, some men use it to get back at their partners. Seemingly saying, look partner. I don’t need you for this!
Like all things, it can be harmful if it is used in excess or for the wrong reasons. Make sure that you speak to your partner frequently and come to an understanding of what is acceptable in your relationship.
Emma, you are absolutely right that masturbation can serve a variety of purposes. I have occasionally done it when I am having trouble getting to sleep. For that purpose, it works like a charm, and I think it is much healthier than taking sleeping pills. I have never looked at masturbation as a way of getting back at my wife. In fact, my wife has sometimes suggested I do it if I am horny but she isn’t in the mood for sex. It can be a useful way for a couple to deal with differential sex drives.
NorCalMan, you are right about that. I think nearly all wives would be shocked how often their husband pleasure themselves. I came clean with my wife a few years ago. She thought I did it once or twice a month and as Emma said, it more like 3 to 5 times a week I agreed to slow down after that.
I couldn’t help but notice that the external blog you link to under “servant mindset” takes a pretty firm stance that “Leadership in the home is a responsibility God ordained for husbands to carry out.” One post complains that “[women] have been taught to lead and take command and have carried this over right into the home. Men, particularly Christian men, have been ‘equal righted’ in so many areas that they have just given up in a lot of areas.” He also quips, “Is there anything more irritating than to hear a woman complain about her husband?”
To each their own, I suppose, but I just wanted to draw that to your attention in case you weren’t aware.
Thank you for pointing that out. It is difficult to find much based in religion that doesn’t subjugate women. I did like much of the article but read it for the servant mindset. I often try and reverse or replace genders in the bible with “they” rather than he or her because I think it can stand the test of time better. Not because I am woke or something like that, simply because society had an outdated view of women back then.
I am very curious to see how your female readers respond to this post, but as a man and husband (and one guilty of laziness on occasion!) I really love your thoughts and approach here. You are positive and compassionate about something that, let’s be honest, is a challenge that a lot of wives have to face, and that a lot of husbands end up feeling ashamed and defensive about. What you are presenting here is a classic win-win solution. Will it work for everyone? Of course not; what does? But I think it has the potential to be a big help to a lot of couples who get stuck around this area, which is what makes me so keen to see what kind of feedback you get on it from women.
If you haven’t done so already, I urge you to consider the possibility of packaging and editing a collection of your posts into an FLR/chastity-focused kind of self-help book for couples. It would give you a chance to reach a different (possibly broader?) audience that I think could really benefit from your voice and perspective. Plus, how cool would it be to have written a book? 🙂
Thank you so much. I’ve been approached about a book idea but I don’t think I want to do it at the moment. I feel like there is still a journey and I don’t want to write the book until I’ve reached some sort of milestone. I’m not ruling it out but not ready for it today.
In the meantime, I’d love if you would be so kind to share my blogs either anonymously using the button on the sidebar or forwarding the link to someone. Let’s get the word out!
This is an interesting article and one that has some resonation with me and my marriage. However there is one aspect of how chores are divided between husband and wife that it doesn’t touch on, and that is his view on doing his share.
I’m not talking about how it works in an FLR specifically, but rather the general difference in attitude between men and women to domestic tasks.
I do most of the cooking, most of the cleaning and most of the laundry. He does the gardening every so often, the DIY, some shopping and any heavy lifting type work. This is viewed by my husband as part of our arrangement (partnership) as husband and wife.
However what I find frustrating is that if he does any task that is perceived as ‘my tasks’ like hanging out the washing, cooking a meal or doing the ironing, there is a subtle undertone that he’s done me a favour and that he should be praised for his efforts.
Now that make’s him sound like a real misogynist, which isn’t the case in the slightest, and he is really good at helping out, but that’s the point, it is seen as helping out rather than a proper division of labour.
The use of chastity does assist in making him more willing to do things, but there always remains that undertone that he’s helping me rather than taking ownership of the tasks and that I should recognise and thank him for doing ‘my work’.
I believe a significant minority of us men are wired to be sexually submissive. The feeling of being dominated and controlled by our wives turns us on, so we respond well to this kind of control. I am, however, skeptical whether this strategy would work on men who don’t have a submission kink. I find the idea of enforced chastity highly erotic. My wife isn’t interested in that form of domination, but I would enthusiastically comply if she was.
Since my wife doesn’t mind if I masturbate, I have been through periods of frequent masturbation and periods of self-imposed abstinence. Sometimes my wife will deny me an orgasm when we have sex. ( It is extremely exciting for me when she is “unfair” that way. She knows that because we have communicated about our kinks and fantasies. That’s why she does it. As a loving wife, she likes to push my kink buttons when she is in the mood). The point I want to make is that my experience makes me skeptical of the claim that the power of orgasm denial comes mainly from regulating a man’s hormones. Being denied an orgasm when I am horny will put me into a stratospheric level of arousal. But that arousal diminishes quickly if my wife simply turns her sexual attention away from me for an extended period. On the other hand, even if I have just had an orgasm, I respond instantly to authoritative behaviour from my wife, such as a command to do something in a tone of voice that tells me she expects obedience. My point is that behavioural cues from a dominant woman have a more powerful effect on a submissive man than the minor fluctuations of hormone levels do. But the idea of a woman having the power to regulate our hormones in a calculated way is certainly a sexy fantasy.
I love that picture of the guy on the couch, he looks like “oops, I already masturbated while you were out and now feel really sleepy and lazy”.
This can be very useful even if it’s done on a voluntary or on an experimental basis. Though my wife is not interested in male chastity or a FLR, I’ve begun extending my chastity periods from 48 hrs.to one week, and the results have been impressive. I now have more energy; my daily Yoga workouts are longer and harder (no pun intended) and perhaps most important, the sexual tension I feel inside has caused a reduction in my appetite, and is helping me to lose those extra pounds I’ve been trying to shed for a long time (5 pounds in 2 weeks!). So, for all you locked up males out there…when your lady refuses to unlock your chastity cage, and tells you “it’s for your own good” she’s probably right!
I completely agree @williamporter, she probably is right. She’s always right.
“This can be very useful even if it’s done on a voluntary or on an experimental basis.”
Increased “voluntary” is her goal for me, yes. If laziness were to creep in at any time, her paddle usually solves that problem.
Hi Ema, you are right semen retention has many benefits for men as for women in relationship. Scientists and reserches confirm that. I wonder why so few women don’t introduce their men to semen retention. Women who approches and request her man to retain,want happy and healthy relationship. and Men are full of energy and life force, and they redirect that energy to their beloved ladies.
When man retains he doesn’t neglect and take woman for granted, his woman is loved, valued and respected, he is chivalrous gentleman that takes care of his womans needs and wishes.He wants to be his best self for his lady. What woman wouldn’t want to have a man like this, with semen retention it is possible and real. You mentioned all benefits of retaining in your posts. I think than number of neglectet, unsatisfied, taken for granted, abused ect women would decrease with this one practice. Men naturally want to serve and plese their women, semen retention help men to reveal and understand better their nature and purpose. Women need more time to relax get in mood for intimacy. Man must take time to warm up his woman before intercourse , not rush things. Sex is much better for woman, with man who retains. He last enough for her to reach not one but multiple orgasms, as women are multi orgasmic by nature.He is more loving and caring lover, who wants to serve and please his lady inside and outside of the bedroom. Retaining man is romantic and chivalrous gentleman, who wants to serve and please his lady,your happiness and needs come first in relationship. There are no more excuses for men to be a minute man. That’s why womans pleasure and needs must always come first. Man warms up and finish too quick. Retention Your bond, intimacy and relationship will improve a lot. Women must be loved, respected,appreciated and honoured in relationship, retention help men to understand better women needs and nature and have better relationship. Love, cherish, respect each other and be happy.
I have a problem with the “servant mentality.” I agree with all the things you say in that section. Dave knows he will get his orgasms regularly and they are independent of what he does around the house or if he brings me flowers. He does all those things because he loves me. He is aware of my every mood and need. It has nothing to do with service. He is not a servant in any sense. He is a partner. A devoted (rather than business) partner is what you are describing.