Strong women are typically honest, independent, confident and they aren’t afraid to be themselves. I haven’t always felt the level of confidence that I do now. Confidence was especially hard to find during high school while I was finding myself. Once I found myself, I realized that I am pretty happy with the person that I’ve allowed myself to become. A strong woman usually emotionally dependent since she usually has a career, family, friends, hobbies and other interests that she uses to frame her happiness.
So you are a strong woman and you are in a relationship with a man, how will taking charge make him feel? What are the benefits? How should you go about starting it? Do you want to take charge in the bedroom or are you thinking of other aspects of the relationship? As you can tell, there are tons of options when it comes to taking charge.
It doesn’t feel natural at first
If you don’t normally take control, it might feel weird. For the longest time, sex was something that boyfriends would do to me. He did sex to me. He fucked me. At some point I became comfortable with myself and did sex to him. I fucked him. I felt timid about being dominant. I feel like society paints dominant women as bitches or Karens and I didn’t want to be that. It also thought that guys don’t want a dominant woman. Boy was I wrong. Taking control makes him feel wanted and makes him feel desired. No respectable guy wants to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want to sex him back. Part of the allure of sex for mature adults is the fact that another human wants you just as much as you want them and that feels good.
Show him what you like
When you show him or tell him what you like, he feels empowered and he feels like you are getting what you want. Most guys are visual learners so showing him will work better than telling him. You can even show him what you like without his participation. Let him sit across the room and play with yourself, show him what gets you off. No touching allowed. By not being focused on his own pleasure he might just learn a thing or two.
Sex is over too quickly
Most guys last an average of 120 seconds which isn’t nearly enough for us to get close to even thinking about an orgasm thus resulting in an orgasm gap where women have far fewer orgasms than men. If we take charge, we can save the traditional sex for the end when we might actually have a chance of getting off in that 120 seconds. Even better, safe his orgasm for after you have achieved one or two orgasms of your own. For more experienced couples, consider skipping his orgasm entirely.
What’s in it for him?
Most men thrive with structure and clear expectations. Whether you are creating a female led structure for the bedroom or for the entire relationship, it eliminates the power struggle. In the bedroom he can feel like you are completely satisfied simply by following directions and instructions. Some guys are inherently submissive by nature and that’s just fine. Other guys are more dominant and/or have a position of authority during the day but when they come home, they are exhausted and want to mentally relax when they are with the woman they love.
The feeling of being objectified is all too real for many of us. We are not simply an object or item for their sexual gratification. I don’t need to go into a whole tirade about objectification, most of us know it all too well. Consider for a moment that he doesn’t. He has probably never felt objectified and never felt objectified and may be interested in feeling like the object of your affection. Objectification is dehumanizing but it can also be flattering if you aren’t used to receiving that sort of attention.
Increased Sexual Desire
Being in control makes me feel empowered and gives feelings of control over my sexuality. When I feel in control over my sexuality, I don’t feel pressure to have sex. Without the constant pressure to have sex, I desire it more. I desire a more open approach to being more physical with him (flirty touching, butt smacks, light caresses while I walk by). I realized that I was mentally stopping myself from doing some of the flirty touching that I wanted to do because I didn’t want it to turn into an expectation of sex. It isn’t always about sex… but sometimes it is.
The positive effects of chastity are directly related to his headspace. When you first twist the key, he will think it is a game, a sexual novelty. As a day or two passes, he will start to realize he doesn’t have some of the control that he once had. This will cause some crankiness, frustration and agitation since the erections and penile freedom that he has experienced since middle school are now physically off limits. The second or third day seems to always be the day where he accepts the power exchange and resolves his inner conflict. After he turns that corner, he is able to enjoy the feelings.
Longing to Please
As time progresses and he sorts out his feelings he will find the appropriate outlet for his tension and feelings. The object of his desire, you. This will be reflected in words of affirmation, helping around the house, and changed focus for sexual attention. Rather than focusing on his penis and his sexual needs which are outside of his control, his focus will be on your needs and your satisfaction both sexually and otherwise.
This all seems weird and it is difficult to accept. We typically do weekly lockups and the change is drastic around the second or third day. So drastic that it seems unreal or perhaps even faked as an attempt to expedite the unlocking. For a time, I would mock him and make comments about him acting this way all of the time. Perhaps even bargaining with him and saying that you won’t have to lock him up if he acts this way when he is unlocked. Realize that it isn’t a deliberate behavior, his shifted goals are a direct result of the lock on his boy parts. He isn’t altering his behavior as a conscious decision that he should have been doing all along. He is altering his behavior because his motivation has subconsciously shifted from his own pleasure to yours. This all seems very strange but I suggest that you simply accept the locked version of your knight in shining armor as the same man with a different subconscious motivation.
So How Long Should I Lock Him Up?
This really depends. We do weekly lockups, I usually lock him up on Sunday nights after a weekly “earned orgasm” and unlock him every Sunday morning. This gives him a day of freedom to experience normal erections and let his penis recover from being cooped up all week. For those of you worried about any long term impact/shrinkage caused by penile atrophy, it is suggested that any negative effects are negated if he is allowed to get back to full size from time to time. We find that there is a level of diminishing returns after the first week and a weekly schedule is petty easy for us to stick to since it coincides with our weekly routine. Sometimes we stretch it to two weeks but the longer lockup doesn’t seem to amplify the effects in any way although it does save the one to two day transition period that can sometimes be annoying.
How About My Needs?
If you are like me, you like sex. You really like sex. Does this mean that your needs need to suffer while he is locked up? Absolutely Not! You will find that your guy will be especially willing to provide oral pleasure and massages while he is locked. We also have sex several times a week, we simply lock him up when I am done. This means that we have sex and he doesn’t ejaculate. That sounds completely foreign but it works and it really just takes some time to get used to. Sex is different when it isn’t focused on his pleasure, sex is better when it is focused on intimacy and closeness. I’ll admit that it takes a shift in expectations but we both enjoy it. Traditionally the woman’s purpose in sex is to deliver an orgasm to the man. This shift aligns both partners in the experience of mutual pleasure rather than one partner’s needs over the other.
Selecting a correctly sized cage can seem like a daunting task but don’t sweat it. Don’t spend $150 on a fancy custom cage until you know what the two of you like. Buy a cheap cage from ebay or amazon, preferably one with lots of different ring sizes and measure his flaccid length for the cage length. Multiple options will give you several to select from. Realize also that his body will take some adjusting before he feels comfortable wearing it 24/7. Don’t fret, give it time and work your way up to it.
Don’t start with a week up front, start with an hour. A few days later, make it another hour or two. Play with him, praise him, compliment him, tease him and give him lots of sexual attention while he is locked up. Make it especially apparent that he is getting the attention because he consensually agreed to lock his things up for you and participate in a loving power exchange. This isn’t something that he has to do, at any point
Do allow him a release from time to time, his body craves it. The male body is meant to empty those low hangers and keep his body producing new sperm. We don’t make it too much of a big deal and we rarely associate orgasm with sex. If we do have sex on the day I determine for his release day, we usually stop and I’ll masturbate him with my hand to completion. This further reinforces a distinct separation between sex and orgasm.
“If we do have sex on the day I determine for his release day, we usually stop and I’ll masturbate him with my hand to completion. This further reinforces a distinct separation between sex and orgasm.”
Great post Emma – as always.
You have spoken before about trying to get him to cum from pegging – have you considered making every release day a pegging day and making sure that you are penetrating him when you do use your hands to bring him to orgasm? I wonder if getting him used to cumming while being penetrated could help him cum from penetration alone.
This 120 seconds to orgasm stat is fascinating to me. I sure hope Emma is right on this as it makes me feel slightly better about myself. I think I am generally closer to 4-5 minutes, which I realize is not impressive. Seems like I read some other claims of 2-7 minutes or even 5.4 minutes on average. I know porn is not really realistic but many of those guys seem to be able to go hard for 20+ minutes. It is humbling to watch that.
I really don’t think my wife would be happy with 20 minutes as she is one of the 70% of women who she struggles to orgasm with PIV. We usually get her to come first manually. Anyway I would appreciate any thoughts at all on the 120 seconds. Is that fairly accurate and realistic in your mind? Thanks again Emma for all your terrific blogs of late.