In my previous blog, we discussed orgasms and how controlling male orgasms can be integral to the satisfaction potential of your relationship. I’ll do my best to make this blog stand on it’s own two feet but I’d recommend that you read the previous blog first. This time around I’ll be going through the things that he gains from orgasm denial and how to successfully implement orgasm denial in your relationship.
How to do it
I receive dozens of emails and messages from men about their partner “doing it wrong”. Guess what, he is frustrated that life doesn’t reflect the fantasy that he built for himself from internet porn. Go figure, porn doesn’t accurately reflect real life. The first thing to do is take every preconceived notion about orgasm denial and throw it out the window. Now say this with me out loud, “I cannot do orgasm denial wrong. I am doing it correctly, no matter how I choose to do it.” If you are sitting in a Starbucks, expect some weird stares from the other patrons for the first couple minutes. Sorry about that. The answer to “how do I do it” is much simpler and more complex than you might think. The short answer is to find the parts you enjoy and do those.
Orgasm denial for me is about pushing boundaries, attention and affection. To you, orgasm denial may be about frustration and submission. Still others may be about humiliation and embarrassment. There are many things that we can get from being denied and it is important that you discuss it often to make sure that you are both getting what you need from it. Frequently evaluate what you are getting from denial because it will certainly change over time. In many relationships, the female or keyholder is more focused on his well being, his frustration level or even focused on breaking him. A more experience holder of the key will learn to focus less on how he is doing and more on what she is getting from him and what his energy looks like. If he comes off as cold and resentful, talk about why he is feeling that way. It may be an indication that your lockup time is too long.
Phases of denial
The cycle of frustration, helplessness and ultimately submission is key to orgasm denial. In fact, every lockup period starts with arousal and whether he says it or not, he will almost certainly find the idea of you locking him up arousing. Despite arousal about being locked, he knows that shortly after a brief arousal a large amount of frustration awaits.
After frustration and submission comes resentment and with that comes negativity. Frustration and submission can be either negative or positive but resentment is a ubiquitously negative emotion. The point of resentment for Kev is about 8 or 9 days so for this reason I choose to go with 7 day lockups. In our marriage, denial is intended to refocus the sexual side of our marriage in a light of positivity. I know I am being more of a spiritualist than I normally am but the aura of emotion around your relationship is very real. Do things to him that evoke positivity and he will reflect positivity back at you.
Denial is about offering him something that he is unable to participate in. This can be teasing or even a gentle tug or waggle of his cage. Denial is about requesting that he watch as you pleasure yourself. Denial is about making his mind think that one thing is going to happen but that thing doesn’t happen. They say over 80% of sexual pleasure is mental yet we focus on the 20% that is physical. With denial, you are beginning to unlock part of that 80%. Men are by nature goal oriented and they focus their ejaculation. Orgasm denial forces them to focus on the path to orgasm and the pleasure that is to be found along the way.
What he gains
So what does he gain from orgasm control? Free time, motivation, willpower, energy, confidence and all of those things are in addition to the relationship satisfaction boost that he is about to get from a happier partner. Mostly men introduce the chastity cage to a relationship as a fetish but it is fueled by guilt about his masturbation habits king from the quality of your together time. He knows that masturbating once or even several times per day isn’t bringing the two of you closer. He may even see this as an opportunity to pay penance for “taking” relationship energy for himself.
He may also gain some confidence by feeling wanted and feeling like he is pleasing you with his masturbation habits and/or chastity cage. He may see the glimmer in your eye when you waggle the key. See what I mean, this all becomes fun before long and so many relationships are missing an element of fun.
What you gain
The first day will be annoying for both of you and I wouldn’t be surprised if you consider stopping this game before it really even starts. I encourage you to stick with it. If he won’t stop talking about it, be stern and tell him that you are done talking about it. The more you entertain conversation, the more your evening will focus around his “plight”. The focus should be on your arousal and shift in the relationship dynamic. You probably won’t love seeing him frustrated some of the time but if you are like me, you will start to see the very distinct phases of his lockup that I mentioned above. His arousal is fun to watch because you know it is bittersweet for him. If you have an evil streak like I do, his frustration will be fun to watch. Wagging the key and fun quips can evoke expressions that are very entertaining.
Teasing is key
It is about keeping this as real as possible for his lockup period and it is about keeping him focused on his plight and the person that put him there. While you can unlock him and play with him daily I recommend keeping him locked for the first few days straight through. Be overly sexualized, straddle him and play much more provocatively than you normally do.
While straddling him or bending over in front of him, push his caged cock against you and act disappointed. Tell him how much you wish it wasn’t in its cage because you need it so bad. That one always gets him going. I call that underwear play and it takes him to a different place entirely. It also separates me from being the obstacle preventing him from stimulation to the cage. Instead of complaining that you don’t want to unlock it, you are reinforcing that the cage is the thing preventing his arousal.
Every ounce of energy will come back to you ten fold so play with it. It will probably feel easier to be more free and confident with your sexuality since it will only serve to amp up his frustration. Teasing allows me to take pleasure in his denial everyday.
Taking it seriously
When it comes time to lock up, it is important that you use a clear and stern tone. Make it clear that he is to be locked up without conversation or argument. Your decision is absolute and if you let him weasel out once he will try every time; eroding at your authority. Be stern and when you tell him to lock up and ensure that he locks up without argument. When Kev is locked, I want to reward his behavior so I’ve asked him to thank me for locking him and loving him. Sometimes this comes as a text and other times as words of affirmation. This helps him realize that he isn’t the only one making a sacrifice and it also reminds me that my efforts are appreciated. After all, his locked pee pee is just one more thing that I have to remember in my otherwise busy life.
Setting his expectations
Notice that I’ve been careful to use the words orgasm control instead of male chastity in general. The cage is just one means of orgasm control. Some couples will choose to do it without a cage and for many this works well. For others, it can be challenging to make him feel those phases of denial unless he has the gentle reminder of a cage. You are not locking him to prevent access to your body, you are locking him to prevent access to himself. This allows him to focus energy on you without feeling an expectation of sex as a condition of release. If he is allowed to be released, the intention of the surrender is that he is allowed himself. Orgasm denial about controlling his orgasm and has little to do with sex. In fact Kev rarely has his weekly orgasm with sex as the conduit for that orgasm.
When the time comes
All good things must come to an end. When you decide to release him, you choose what that means. Does releasing him involve allowing an orgasm? If not, consider that he will probably scurry away and take matters into his own hands if he isn’t supervised. If you simply want to unlock him for play, ensure that you lock him back up immediately after. Be stern and be very clear. No compromises.
If you decide that unlocking him also means orgasm, there are lots of ways to enjoy that time together. My favorite method is to watch him pleasure himself while I watch. I like watching his pent up energy and more often than not, I’ll ask him to lock back up when I see him getting close or if he is taking too long. Splitting his weekly time into a second session or even skipping his weekly isn’t a punishment, it is just a condition of love.
How do I actually do it?
Knowing that you want to control his orgasms and knowing all of the fancy sciences behind it is one thing but it is another thing entirely to put it into practice. Here is an average week in the life of Emma’s house.
Wakey Wakey, My Love!
Lockup starts on Monday for us most weeks and Kev’s cage is placed conveniently on his night stand with a note that says something to the affect of “I am so lucky to have the best husband ever, thank you for locking up for me.”
I wake up early for the gym on Mondays so I am usually up and out of the house before he is even awake. I usually get a nice text with photo proof by the time I arrive at the gym.
In the evening, I’ll tease but not too much. He is usually overly chatty and slightly distracted but not too horny or frustrated yet.
Day Two – Two’s Day
Tuesday morning is usually the worst in terms of attitude and sometimes I even have to remind him that he is being grumpy. He knows what that means and it is almost always unintentional. At this point he is subconsciously accepting that he has relinquished control of his bits. This is when he shifts from helplessness to acceptance. If you are just getting started, this usually takes three days but we’ve got such a routine that we’ve come to accelerate this step (thank goodness).
Tuesday during the afternoon he can sometimes be needy if I don’t reel that in. Some good teasing is almost always in order for Tuesday evening if we don’t have sex. Physical attention of any kind usually snaps him out of any funk that he might be in.
If you are second guessing this whole crazy thing, Tuesday will be the day for that. Just keep on keeping on and he will get better. I promise.
Are you ready for a level of boy-communication that you’ve never seen before? He is usually so attentive that we can’t help but spend some intimate time together. This might be sex or it might just be some sensual touching. If he gets close, he knows to warn me. The cage goes back on, without release of course. He is a good sport about it and he knows what to expect. Seriously, communication pops off by Wednesday and this whole thing makes so much sense right about now.
Thursday, better known as Friday Eve
The communication, the intimacy weren’t enough, he starts redirecting his frustration and need for physical stimulation toward touching. Touches, unsolicited massages. Yes please.
I am a sucker for touching so this usually results in some reciprocation in terms of teasing. This is the day where you can see the joyful agony on his face as you give him nude lap dance or climb on top of him and complain about him being locked with a sultry furrowed brow. We both love the mind games that chastity allows for.
Friday – The icing on the week.
The day that signals the end of the week and a wonderful weekend ahead of us together. He is usually very emotional and connected by Friday. A deep and intimate connection and he seems to be attentive, sitting on my every word. It makes me feel important and loved.
Of all the days, I would say that I feel most connected on Fridays and we usually do our most intimate lovemaking on most Fridays, pegging. After which he is so submissive and we are so connected. Our Friday nights are the best, curled up watching a movie loving on my freshly pegged boy.
Saturdays are for lovers!
Saturday is all about activities and fun. We make time for each other on Saturdays and try to always do something fun and exciting. That could be a local farmers market, swap meet or even a movie. We try to do something about each other and to celebrate the intimacy and closeness that the week has brought us.
The closeness we feel through the day usually leads to some intimacy in the afternoon or evening. We’ve had some close calls in terms of holding back the inevitable but he is usually good about shutting things down before he gets too excited.
I often almost feel guilty on Saturdays because I get those puppy dog eyes. Thankfully I am good at redirecting that energy into some creative teasing that we both crave. Saturdays are usually when I do some of the SPH teasing that really gets a reaction from him.
and so the cycle begins anew.
You would think that he anticipates Sunday like no other but for both of us, it is bittersweet. We know that we’ve experienced a weeklong connection and we look forward to yet another wonderful week together. We usually try and tell each other some positive things about each other from the last week. We follow that up with some things we are excited for in the coming week.
His release is nearly always late in the day or evening, bed time. We mix things up. Last week for example, after being unlocked he was to stand by the bedside and stroke himself until releasing himself on me. He was a bit distracted and almost didn’t finish in time. If it takes too long he might go without, a timer keeps him eager.
I’m writing a blog about homemade JOI videos so I think that might be his cum-uppance this week.
I’ve been intentional about calling it orgasm denial and making a distinction between male chastity and orgasm denial. Male chastity is the tool where orgasm denial which is the sport. I make that distinction for two reasons. The first reason is because I don’t want you to think that the chastity cage is this magic thing that you put on his penis and all of your dreams come true. The second is because you need to understand that he is quite literally changing his physiology and adjusting his hormonal balance and his body’s sexual expectations. Since he figured out what to do with his bits as a teen, he has been spurting freely and now you are reeling that back in. Note also that it isn’t called orgasm control, it is orgasm denial. You are denying him what he wants and that puts you in a position of authority over him. You hold the key and you alone hold the verdict of his dopamine release. He needs you and you need him. Orgasm denial changes the symbiotic relationship needs and allows for a greater acknowledgement of authority.
Questions about our typical week or a specific day in general? Our lives aren’t as scripted as it may seem from this timeline but I think it should help to illustrate our normal goings-on. Thank you for reading and for being a part of our wonderful community. Leave a comment below and say hi!