In my previous blog, we discussed orgasms and how controlling male orgasms can be integral to the satisfaction potential of your relationship. I’ll do my best to make this blog stand on it’s own two feet but I’d recommend that you read the previous blog first. This time around I’ll be going through the things that he gains from orgasm denial and how to successfully implement orgasm denial in your relationship.
How to do it
I receive dozens of emails and messages from men about their partner “doing it wrong”. Guess what, he is frustrated that life doesn’t reflect the fantasy that he built for himself from internet porn. Go figure, porn doesn’t accurately reflect real life. The first thing to do is take every preconceived notion about orgasm denial and throw it out the window. Now say this with me out loud, “I cannot do orgasm denial wrong. I am doing it correctly, no matter how I choose to do it.” If you are sitting in a Starbucks, expect some weird stares from the other patrons for the first couple minutes. Sorry about that. The answer to “how do I do it” is much simpler and more complex than you might think. The short answer is to find the parts you enjoy and do those.
Orgasm denial for me is about pushing boundaries, attention and affection. To you, orgasm denial may be about frustration and submission. Still others may be about humiliation and embarrassment. There are many things that we can get from being denied and it is important that you discuss it often to make sure that you are both getting what you need from it. Frequently evaluate what you are getting from denial because it will certainly change over time. In many relationships, the female or keyholder is more focused on his well being, his frustration level or even focused on breaking him. A more experience holder of the key will learn to focus less on how he is doing and more on what she is getting from him and what his energy looks like. If he comes off as cold and resentful, talk about why he is feeling that way. It may be an indication that your lockup time is too long.
Phases of denial
The cycle of frustration, helplessness and ultimately submission is key to orgasm denial. In fact, every lockup period starts with arousal and whether he says it or not, he will almost certainly find the idea of you locking him up arousing. Despite arousal about being locked, he knows that shortly after a brief arousal a large amount of frustration awaits.
After frustration and submission comes resentment and with that comes negativity. Frustration and submission can be either negative or positive but resentment is a ubiquitously negative emotion. The point of resentment for Kev is about 8 or 9 days so for this reason I choose to go with 7 day lockups. In our marriage, denial is intended to refocus the sexual side of our marriage in a light of positivity. I know I am being more of a spiritualist than I normally am but the aura of emotion around your relationship is very real. Do things to him that evoke positivity and he will reflect positivity back at you.
Denial is about offering him something that he is unable to participate in. This can be teasing or even a gentle tug or waggle of his cage. Denial is about requesting that he watch as you pleasure yourself. Denial is about making his mind think that one thing is going to happen but that thing doesn’t happen. They say over 80% of sexual pleasure is mental yet we focus on the 20% that is physical. With denial, you are beginning to unlock part of that 80%. Men are by nature goal oriented and they focus their ejaculation. Orgasm denial forces them to focus on the path to orgasm and the pleasure that is to be found along the way.
What he gains
So what does he gain from orgasm control? Free time, motivation, willpower, energy, confidence and all of those things are in addition to the relationship satisfaction boost that he is about to get from a happier partner. Mostly men introduce the chastity cage to a relationship as a fetish but it is fueled by guilt about his masturbation habits king from the quality of your together time. He knows that masturbating once or even several times per day isn’t bringing the two of you closer. He may even see this as an opportunity to pay penance for “taking” relationship energy for himself.
He may also gain some confidence by feeling wanted and feeling like he is pleasing you with his masturbation habits and/or chastity cage. He may see the glimmer in your eye when you waggle the key. See what I mean, this all becomes fun before long and so many relationships are missing an element of fun.
What you gain
The first day will be annoying for both of you and I wouldn’t be surprised if you consider stopping this game before it really even starts. I encourage you to stick with it. If he won’t stop talking about it, be stern and tell him that you are done talking about it. The more you entertain conversation, the more your evening will focus around his “plight”. The focus should be on your arousal and shift in the relationship dynamic. You probably won’t love seeing him frustrated some of the time but if you are like me, you will start to see the very distinct phases of his lockup that I mentioned above. His arousal is fun to watch because you know it is bittersweet for him. If you have an evil streak like I do, his frustration will be fun to watch. Wagging the key and fun quips can evoke expressions that are very entertaining.
Teasing is key
It is about keeping this as real as possible for his lockup period and it is about keeping him focused on his plight and the person that put him there. While you can unlock him and play with him daily I recommend keeping him locked for the first few days straight through. Be overly sexualized, straddle him and play much more provocatively than you normally do.
While straddling him or bending over in front of him, push his caged cock against you and act disappointed. Tell him how much you wish it wasn’t in its cage because you need it so bad. That one always gets him going. I call that underwear play and it takes him to a different place entirely. It also separates me from being the obstacle preventing him from stimulation to the cage. Instead of complaining that you don’t want to unlock it, you are reinforcing that the cage is the thing preventing his arousal.
Every ounce of energy will come back to you ten fold so play with it. It will probably feel easier to be more free and confident with your sexuality since it will only serve to amp up his frustration. Teasing allows me to take pleasure in his denial everyday.
Taking it seriously
When it comes time to lock up, it is important that you use a clear and stern tone. Make it clear that he is to be locked up without conversation or argument. Your decision is absolute and if you let him weasel out once he will try every time; eroding at your authority. Be stern and when you tell him to lock up and ensure that he locks up without argument. When Kev is locked, I want to reward his behavior so I’ve asked him to thank me for locking him and loving him. Sometimes this comes as a text and other times as words of affirmation. This helps him realize that he isn’t the only one making a sacrifice and it also reminds me that my efforts are appreciated. After all, his locked pee pee is just one more thing that I have to remember in my otherwise busy life.
Setting his expectations
Notice that I’ve been careful to use the words orgasm control instead of male chastity in general. The cage is just one means of orgasm control. Some couples will choose to do it without a cage and for many this works well. For others, it can be challenging to make him feel those phases of denial unless he has the gentle reminder of a cage. You are not locking him to prevent access to your body, you are locking him to prevent access to himself. This allows him to focus energy on you without feeling an expectation of sex as a condition of release. If he is allowed to be released, the intention of the surrender is that he is allowed himself. Orgasm denial about controlling his orgasm and has little to do with sex. In fact Kev rarely has his weekly orgasm with sex as the conduit for that orgasm.
When the time comes
All good things must come to an end. When you decide to release him, you choose what that means. Does releasing him involve allowing an orgasm? If not, consider that he will probably scurry away and take matters into his own hands if he isn’t supervised. If you simply want to unlock him for play, ensure that you lock him back up immediately after. Be stern and be very clear. No compromises.
If you decide that unlocking him also means orgasm, there are lots of ways to enjoy that time together. My favorite method is to watch him pleasure himself while I watch. I like watching his pent up energy and more often than not, I’ll ask him to lock back up when I see him getting close or if he is taking too long. Splitting his weekly time into a second session or even skipping his weekly isn’t a punishment, it is just a condition of love.
How do I actually do it?
Knowing that you want to control his orgasms and knowing all of the fancy sciences behind it is one thing but it is another thing entirely to put it into practice. Here is an average week in the life of Emma’s house.
Wakey Wakey, My Love!
Lockup starts on Monday for us most weeks and Kev’s cage is placed conveniently on his night stand with a note that says something to the affect of “I am so lucky to have the best husband ever, thank you for locking up for me.”
I wake up early for the gym on Mondays so I am usually up and out of the house before he is even awake. I usually get a nice text with photo proof by the time I arrive at the gym.
In the evening, I’ll tease but not too much. He is usually overly chatty and slightly distracted but not too horny or frustrated yet.
Day Two – Two’s Day
Tuesday morning is usually the worst in terms of attitude and sometimes I even have to remind him that he is being grumpy. He knows what that means and it is almost always unintentional. At this point he is subconsciously accepting that he has relinquished control of his bits. This is when he shifts from helplessness to acceptance. If you are just getting started, this usually takes three days but we’ve got such a routine that we’ve come to accelerate this step (thank goodness).
Tuesday during the afternoon he can sometimes be needy if I don’t reel that in. Some good teasing is almost always in order for Tuesday evening if we don’t have sex. Physical attention of any kind usually snaps him out of any funk that he might be in.
If you are second guessing this whole crazy thing, Tuesday will be the day for that. Just keep on keeping on and he will get better. I promise.
Are you ready for a level of boy-communication that you’ve never seen before? He is usually so attentive that we can’t help but spend some intimate time together. This might be sex or it might just be some sensual touching. If he gets close, he knows to warn me. The cage goes back on, without release of course. He is a good sport about it and he knows what to expect. Seriously, communication pops off by Wednesday and this whole thing makes so much sense right about now.
Thursday, better known as Friday Eve
The communication, the intimacy weren’t enough, he starts redirecting his frustration and need for physical stimulation toward touching. Touches, unsolicited massages. Yes please.
I am a sucker for touching so this usually results in some reciprocation in terms of teasing. This is the day where you can see the joyful agony on his face as you give him nude lap dance or climb on top of him and complain about him being locked with a sultry furrowed brow. We both love the mind games that chastity allows for.
Friday – The icing on the week.
The day that signals the end of the week and a wonderful weekend ahead of us together. He is usually very emotional and connected by Friday. A deep and intimate connection and he seems to be attentive, sitting on my every word. It makes me feel important and loved.
Of all the days, I would say that I feel most connected on Fridays and we usually do our most intimate lovemaking on most Fridays, pegging. After which he is so submissive and we are so connected. Our Friday nights are the best, curled up watching a movie loving on my freshly pegged boy.
Saturdays are for lovers!
Saturday is all about activities and fun. We make time for each other on Saturdays and try to always do something fun and exciting. That could be a local farmers market, swap meet or even a movie. We try to do something about each other and to celebrate the intimacy and closeness that the week has brought us.
The closeness we feel through the day usually leads to some intimacy in the afternoon or evening. We’ve had some close calls in terms of holding back the inevitable but he is usually good about shutting things down before he gets too excited.
I often almost feel guilty on Saturdays because I get those puppy dog eyes. Thankfully I am good at redirecting that energy into some creative teasing that we both crave. Saturdays are usually when I do some of the SPH teasing that really gets a reaction from him.
and so the cycle begins anew.
You would think that he anticipates Sunday like no other but for both of us, it is bittersweet. We know that we’ve experienced a weeklong connection and we look forward to yet another wonderful week together. We usually try and tell each other some positive things about each other from the last week. We follow that up with some things we are excited for in the coming week.
His release is nearly always late in the day or evening, bed time. We mix things up. Last week for example, after being unlocked he was to stand by the bedside and stroke himself until releasing himself on me. He was a bit distracted and almost didn’t finish in time. If it takes too long he might go without, a timer keeps him eager.
I’m writing a blog about homemade JOI videos so I think that might be his cum-uppance this week.
I’ve been intentional about calling it orgasm denial and making a distinction between male chastity and orgasm denial. Male chastity is the tool where orgasm denial which is the sport. I make that distinction for two reasons. The first reason is because I don’t want you to think that the chastity cage is this magic thing that you put on his penis and all of your dreams come true. The second is because you need to understand that he is quite literally changing his physiology and adjusting his hormonal balance and his body’s sexual expectations. Since he figured out what to do with his bits as a teen, he has been spurting freely and now you are reeling that back in. Note also that it isn’t called orgasm control, it is orgasm denial. You are denying him what he wants and that puts you in a position of authority over him. You hold the key and you alone hold the verdict of his dopamine release. He needs you and you need him. Orgasm denial changes the symbiotic relationship needs and allows for a greater acknowledgement of authority.
Questions about our typical week or a specific day in general? Our lives aren’t as scripted as it may seem from this timeline but I think it should help to illustrate our normal goings-on. Thank you for reading and for being a part of our wonderful community. Leave a comment below and say hi!
Gteat article Emma! I love the routine and it all sounds so comforting and loving. Friday funday sounds particularly great.
I’m wondering how the routine changes when you add add another lover. Do the moods, anticipation and intimacy change? How does it change when you add a cuckolding vibe or other kinks?
The routine doesn’t change all that much when we have a guest over and it absolutely never interferes with Sunday evenings. We make that time very important to both of us. I think having a friend over really just helps in terms of teasing and overall arousal. Kev is always more eager to please later in the week though. Strange, that.
u realy r an expert
Yay thank you!
Thanks for the insight Emma.
Is that just the routine for Kev? What about pleasure for you?
That is an entirely different blog but don’t worry, I’ve got something along those lines in my drafts folder!
Always nice to leave for a while and come back to find so much new content, great writings.
The weekly write up sounds like a good routine and I like the way you change things up on Sundays.
plus I’m a sucker for a good pun, Day Two – Two’s Day. nice.
Thank you, I am super punny!
Thank you for the article, very informative.
Is he sleeping all nights with the cage on, with only the Sunday night free?
Does he have issue with sleep quality when he is caged?
He is perfectly fine most nights but when caged he usually needs to get up in the middle of the night to pee so the morning wood will go away. It took some getting used to for both of us since it wakes us both up briefly most nights. I love him crawling back into bed, wrapping his arms around me and the feeling of security of his cage pressed up against me.
Also yes, just Sunday nights free as a bird.
Love this one Emma. I’d be lying if i didn’t admit that every Sunday would be so fun.
As we are all different in how we live our WLM’s, over the many years (12) of Ms. K. being in charge, the frequency of my orgasms/ejaculations has evolved (see what I did there?). I was accustomed to a similar frequency of orgasm as Kev’s in the beginning and for several years. Over time, Ms. K. began to curtail the frequency of full-on orgasms in favor of ruined orgasms because she rather enjoyed my continued state of arousal and desire that never waned after a ruined orgasms. Then, as time went on, the instances of full-on orgasms reduced to 2-3 per years while she also cutback on the frequency of ruined orgasms to 5-7 per year. During all of this time and now, we have each enjoyed sexy time more than we ever have in our 24 (married 22) years together. Of course she enjoys orgasms EWVERY SINGLE TIME!
More recently Ms. K. has allowed/instructed me to remove my cage more often for sex. Sometimes it’s to properly tease and deny an uncaged, erect cock. Other times it is because she wants me to penetrate her and fuck her until I cum, She says she gets nostalgic for when were young lovers and wants to revisit seeing me orgasm while we are face to face. Comparatively speaking … I’m cumming with a full orgasms as much as a rabbit. So far this year (8 1/2 months), I’ve had 6 full-on orgasms, and of course I’ve loved every single one of them.
As you may recall, I’ve been (mostly) permanently caged for almost 2 years now. I don’t know if there is a correlation, but now, when I am allowed/instructed to have a full-on orgasm in any fashion, there doesn’t seem to be a refractory period. I don’t know why that is. Maybe its the nearly permanent cage confinement, or perhaps its because we have achieved a depth in our WLM that helps that along. I don’t know why, and frankly I don’t care why. It’s awesome.
All of this beautiful existence was all made possible by the one thing we (and most others I presume) strictly adhered to in the beginning … orgasm denial!
That is wonderful. I think the key (see what I did there?) is for every couple to know what their tools are and experiment until they find what works for them. As our bodies change, desires waver, life happens, menopause hits then we simply adapt the sexual side of our relationship like we do with the social and emotional side. So many couples are stuck in a sexual rut or have sexual expectations which create resentment from one or both sides. Understanding the way our sex drives work, the blurred lines and being able to separate society’s expectations from your own perfect relationship is the key to an evolved marriage. Cheers to everyone on this site who is willing to embrace non-traditional relationship tools. I can’t imagine missing some of the emotional experiences and conversations that Kev and I have enjoyed over the last few years. Some of them have been absolutely joyful, some have been downright painful and unpleasant but every last one has brought us closer together.
Men need and desire structure, real man retain and practice semen retention and non ejaculatory orgasm. This practice has many benefits for men and women as you mentioned in your posts. Men become more loving, caring,attentive,chivalrous, thing and take care more about their ladies needs, their behaviour improves. In relationship where man retains woman is loved, cherished, respected,honoured and worshipped as a Queen. I thing it’s a shame that so many women have bad sex because their men don’t want to retain and use them as masturbation aid. Women who respect and honour themselves should introduce semen retention to their men. Women merit pleasurable, satisfying sex where they are loved cherished and respected. There are many sex experts and coaches who teach and explain how men can have sex and orgasms without ejaculation. Jackhammering, ejaculating and falling asleep, without foreplay and cunnilingus, is demeaning and degrading sex experience theat women who are not spineless, who love, honour and respect themselves should not let men treat them in this disrespectful way.It’s a pain to clean ap all the mess, squat over the toilet scooping cum and have semen coming out of you for an hour afterwards, to be leaky for long time, take birth control.
You can avoid all this mess and problems when you have a loving man who practice semen retention. When man is not concentrated just on his ejaculation he can give his beloved lady most pleasure and the best multiple squirting,a-spot,g- spot and many other different orgasms that woman can experience with attentive lover who retains and respects her and her needs. When man retains he is ful of energy and he craves to please and worship his lady. Women are like water they need more time to get aroused explain tantra and tao. Man who retains spend much more time to arouse and please his woman from head to toes, he always gives good cunnilingus, before penetrative sex. When you ride his dick or face you should worry that he will ejac and fell asleep drained and exhausted and leaving you neglected and unsatisfied. You can choose perfect angle,speed,depth and ride him as much as you desire and receive amazing multiple orgasms that you merit, and your man is present, attentive and caring lover that respects you and your needs. There are many good benefits for women to introduce semen retention to their men. So ladies it’s up to you to decide what kind of relationship do you want and desire.
When gentleman retains and has structure his solder is to better use for a woman:he gets harder,stronger,bigger erection ,last longer and is ful of chi energy that attracts women. Mens with dick who retain are much more attractive to women than free weak ejaculators dick who last few minutes and fell asleep exhausted and drained. I thing it’s obvious which penis ladies choose. If you want to be loved,honoured,cherished and respected you should love, honour and respect yourself first. In relationships where gentlemen practice orgasm control, their ladies are cherished, respected,honoured and treated like Queens. Women like Yoga Girl, Emma and other ladies who know what they need and merit, who are self confident, strong women who respect themselves give structure and expect their men to practice semen retention and non ejaculatory sex in relationship.
That was a very insightful post Emma!
It’s given me a few ideas to try in terms of my own retention practice while single and you’re definitly right about how it benefits us. I’ve been in one relationship before which was very traditional and have been skeptical about looking for an FLR due to misconceptions thinking it was only a sexual kink, however after reading some of your posts it seems incredibly empowering! I’ll be sure to introduce my future partner to this.
Did you ever write about “ What about pleasure for you”? I really want to read that!!