Let’s first outline what denial is and why men find it exciting. Denial is the practice of refraining from sexual experiences or excitement. Pretty simple right? Denial is not having orgasm, so how on earth would he benefit sexually from being denied orgasm? Hold your horses, I’ll get there.
See what I did in that last sentence? I denied you the response you thought you were entitled to and it made you ever-so-slightly frustrated. That slight frustration provoked an emotional response and now you want more than anything for me to tell you how men benefit by being denied orgasm. If I lead you on even more, you will eventually be so frustrated that you will simply accept any little tidbit of information I throw your way. Rest assured, dear reader that I won’t make you wait any longer and I’ll give you far more than a tidbit. ❤️
The common expectation is that Men want sex all the time and if they don’t, something is broken in your relationship. That is a ton of pressure for men even though it may not be too far from the truth. Women on the other hand typically; but certainly not always have a lower sex drive while in long term monogamous relationships. Open that relationship up or provide some new and novel stimulation where she feels a burst of sexual energy and that dynamic flips almost immediately. Committed men in a sexual relationship accept the shift in sexual desire and rather than grow resentful of the sexual power dynamic in the relationship, they fetishize it. This means that their body accepts the relationship and female sexual control becomes something they crave. The fact that she controls the allocation of sex becomes arousing to him. The greater the disparity between his sex drive and hers, the more arousing her denial becomes.
So how does this even work? If I tell him that I don’t want sex, does he instantly get an erection? Not, quite that simple. You have to tap deeper into his psyche. Good gosh, this sounds manipulative. Well, it is manipulative to a certain extent but you should be very open with your manipulation and understand that together you are manipulating his subconscious needs for the good of your relationship. There is little doubt that he knows that he has sexual needs and he has probably tried to explain his needs to you before. “I need sex X times per week”, he might say. If he were closer in tune to his needs, he would know that he doesn’t actually need sex a certain number of times per week; he needs to feel sexually desired at a regular frequency.
What orgasm denial does is make him feel constantly desired throughout the week and it adds an inherent value to his sexuality. We don’t overly sexualize or objectify men in our society (even though we should) because male sex holds little value. If you want a boy and your flirt game is strong, there is little question that you can have him. For men, this isn’t quite the case. Female sexuality has a greater inherent value and is more guarded and highly regarded. Chastity turns the tables on this and allows him to feel as like his sexuality is an object of value in your relationship. If someone feels valued in their relationship, they feel safe and accepted. Don’t we all want to feel safe and accepted in our marriage or relationship?
If you think orgasm denial, you think of a chastity cage. I know that is where my mind goes too but it need not start there. Orgasm control within the confines of a relationship is about harnessing sexual energy. That could involve a chastity cage but it should start with adding a value to masturbation. How often does your husband masturbate? Do you even know? Do you care? If he masturbates, he will bug you about sex less so do your thing hubby. Am I right ladies? 🙌 No. You are wrong and here is why.
Allowing unfettered masturbation reduces HIS value on sex and desensitizes him to visual stimuli. He is looking at porn when he masturbates and with each click he goes deeper and deeper into Dopamine response and Oxytocin memory. Each new video is new and novel and the body gives Dopamine as a reward system for the new stimulation. Oxytocin is the part that binds his memories to the object that gave him pleasure; in this case porn. This means that Oxytocin is not being bonded to you and that means the sexual connection is being slowly eroded in your relationship. Orgasm denial is about redirecting that Oxytocin bond to you and you alone instead of being spread to countless internet videos and ultimately to that little Porn Hub chime. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
The brain remembers where the viewer experienced the high and bonds him to an experience that is not real. Each time the Dopamine hit is desired, the focus will be on porn. This tolerance builds up and eventually partner stimulation may prevent arousal (erections) or even orgasm and ejaculation from sexual stimulation. Attachment between humans is very simple. Conversation, skin contact and eye contact all release Oxytocin in the amygdala to relax it. Just the right amount of Oxytocin is needed to create that perfect bonding environment, if too much Oxytocin exists, it prevents bonds. Your partner’s Oxytocin state is extremely important and key to bonding with him. Completely open masturbation in a relationship is like throwing kerosene on a fire, it will burn out quickly and leave you with just smoking embers.
Let’s talk orgasm denial. My Kev and I allow orgasms for him once per week, Sunday is his day to get off. We have sex through the week and I play with him, tease him and make him feel wanted throughout the week because he is important to me and I want him to feel that way. I can do all of this without the nasty, unwanted side effects of orgasm. I can safely say that all of my husband’s orgasms are accompanied by me, his mind is imprinted on me as the release for Oxytocin and pair bonding is maintained. We are incredibly close and he is perpetually in the state of pursuing me like he did when we were first dating. Courtship is part of pair bonding. Rather than opening doors for Porn Hub, he opens doors for me. Rather than buying flowers and writing sweet notes for Porn Hub those come to me. Guess what, that makes me feel special and important. This whole thing comes full circle and you realize that the energy you spend on him comes back to you two fold as you are preventing his masturbation and the parasitic bond it held your relationship.
He didn’t get married to not have sex and I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have sex. We have sex two or three times a week. Sometimes that is vaginal, sometimes that is pegging but he is allowed to masturbate just one time a week and that is with me on our special Sunday nights. We both know not to make plans for Sundays. You will find in short order that his reductions in orgasms will soothe his amygdala and strengthen your bond. It will be displaced with other classic bonding behaviors like kissing, cuddling, flirting and skin-to-skin contact. It is like turning on a light switch for us after two days without orgasm, he will start touching me, massaging me and even just affectionately touching my arm or shoulder while we are out.
It is important to keep an open dialog so he understands that the two of you are on the same team. You are both working to control his physical response to improve your relationship together. If it comes off as manipulative, he will be resentful and if it comes off as overly mean he may become resentful. Men are not victims of their hormones but sex can be an underlying motivation for their actions. Women expect these underlying motives so they don’t trust men and men don’t understand the subconscious motives behind their actions. Nobody is entitled to anything and more than anything sex should be experienced free of obligation or it won’t truly be a loving and bonding experience for both partners.
Hey may have approached you about his masturbation and he may have even brought up the idea of a chastity cage. Say what? A cock cage? Don’t dismiss it, I say that we should use modern tools to make the sexual response in your relationship a game. Social media is about giving you repeated hits of dopamine every time you see the notification you get that hit and wonder who it came from. A chastity cage is about turning your sexual relationship into a game that you can both enjoy. From his perspective, the game is one that gives him attention and satiates his need to be wanted. For you, it is a guardrail to make sure that his masturbation isn’t sabotaging your relationship. I’ve even come to find them incredibly sexy as a piece of body jewelry that symbolizes so much more. Just as a wedding ring symbolizes commitment and love, a cock cage symbolizes sacrifice and commitment to the partnership in your relationship. It is so empowering and confidence inspiring to have the key to his manliness. The very thing that makes him a man is under your control and it is incredibly addicting and fun. I could go on and on about the benefits of orgasm control as a woman but I wrote an entire blog about it so it may be best to just read that one.
So how do you implement orgasm denial in your relationship whether with a cock cage or the honor system (orgasm denial without a cage). In my next blog, I’ll go through the things that he gains from orgasm denial and how to successfully implement it in your relationship.