I received the following comment on one of the older blogs and I felt like it was worth publishing as a standalone blog because it provokes some interesting commentary and constructive dissent about this site; something that I love! I embrace any and all respectful opinions because – what good is this site if we can’t all use it to learn together. I’d like to welcome a new user @jessie. While not new to chastity, he is new to this site and shares what I feel are some very useful experience and opinions.
I just found out your blog and I find it really nice. I mean it. However there are some things I find really problematic.
I’ve been using chastity cages for almost 8 years – some of those by myself, some others being locked by a girlfriend or boyfriend. I can say that most (maybe all…) of the benefits you mention are very real, and being locked has definitely improved my relationship in many ways. It certainly takes a lot of the attention away from the penis and allows the couple to explore different possibilities – we start thinking about sex in a different manner, where affection and intimacy are very important.
However I find very troubling that male chastity is being advertised as a simple solution to every marriage problem. We must take into consideration that guys who are willing to wear a chastity device are already inclined to be the ones that are going to make an effort to improve the relationship. But it’s also not for everyone. Most guys would absolutely never ever consider using a cage like that, and forcing them is not only aggressive, it might make things worse (much worse…)
The most troubling issue I see is naturalization. Like believing this magic piece of plastic can make a guy more romantic, as if the mere presence of a chastity cage could make the brain work a certain way and then everything goes well. We all know that’s not the case. There’s also the silly idea that retaining semen will do the trick, because for whatever reason masturbation is bad, but it clearly ignores the very obvious fact that if he is spending time masturbating to porn on the internet instead of having sex with you, your relationship already have some issues. Everyone (even most men) like to think that guys just naturally have a really huge sex drive, but we also know that that’s not the case, specially when you get older. Men also enjoy the emotional side of sex – even if at first sight it doesn’t look like it. The “it’s natural” is a very dangerous way of thinking, specially because it completely ignores culture and societal pressures – in the past it was just natural to think that black men were aggressive, and today we know that’s just racism.
We so often think a chastity cage is a weird and uncomfortable device that we forget that the men that are ok with wearing one genuinely like it. They feel loved and cherished. I know I do. But doing it just because you want a back massage is the wrong way of thinking about it – if he starts feeling that you’re just using his chastity to get “free stuff”, he will fell abused, and that can destroy a relationship really fast – I know, it happened to me once! Giving away the key to my penis is the most vulnerable thing I have ever done – it’s a long and complex mental process, and it doesn’t finishes when the cage is locked. It’s a unique feeling, impossibly difficult to describe, but definitely one of the most powerful things I’ve ever felt. Today, after a lot of terrible relationships, I know that the key to my penis is the most valuable thing that I have – and it must be conquered, not taken away in a utilitarian way because you want him to to the dishes.
Chastity is definitely something you can’t impose. Most key holders don’t really understand that. The whole “Don’t want to have sex? Lock him up!” is just terrible advice. It’s definitely something you could achieve with a chastity device, but not because of the device, but because to lock a guy you need a lot of dialog and communication. Your tips may actually work, but for the wrong reason. The whole point of being in chastity is the emotional bits, being vulnerable and opening to your partner – and using it because you don’t want to have sex can lead to a dysfunctional relationship really fast!
Anyway. This was a long rant – maybe too long. I want to say that your blog has potential (and I genuinely mean it). I feel that this is mostly from a female perspective, and that there’s little input from guys like me. So I’m writing this massive comment, and hope you – and anyone reading this – could have something to think about, and maybe even help us improve.
I’ve been locking myself for quite sometime – and I’m not quitting anytime soon. I’ve met dozens of guys like me in his process. I felt guilty and ashamed early on, and telling my partners about it was super difficult. A chastity cage can be a huge tool for self discovery, but both partners have to be ready for it, and keeping the key is a massive responsibility. And if chastity is ever to become popular, it won’t be as a form of controlling the body – it has nothing to do with the penis, it’s all in the head. It’s all about trusting one another.
We live in a world where men are seen somewhat as broken (as in the toxic masculinity in videogames) or completely obsolete (even today the idea of a manly guy is typically of a cowboy from the 19th century), and that guys need to be fixed somehow. But we usually don’t think about all of the toxic ideas on manhood most boys and men have to live with every day, and all of the internal issues that come with it. The pressure to be manly, a ladies man, or even denying any form of femininity as wrong or inferior (usually calling it gay). And when we need to talk, the usual way people handle is by saying something like “dust off and move on”. This is something that affects us all, but it is especially difficult to teenage boys (a lot of them are developing serious mental health issues, and sadly the “stop crying and be a man” is still a very common way people handle the situation).
I know it’s a lot of pressure – and sometimes it feels like there’s just way too many problems at once to solve (to make it even worse, it’s hard to separate them, and deal with them one at a time). We are all flawed in our own ways, but that should be taken as an opportunity to talk, and maybe even improve our lives, Men are not obsolete or incapable of a relationship, it’s just that sometimes we see the world with the 19th century eyeglasses (and not just in bed, but everywhere).
I guess that’s it, thank-you for this opportunity – you can’t believe how difficult it is to find a place to talk about this sort of thing which is why I think your site does a great service for all of us.
I know you can admire a locked penis just like I can admire mine when I’m locked up. I hope I managed to help you and others, even if just a little bit.
No Jessie, thank you. I very much welcome the opinions and additional perspective that you’ve conveyed above. I agree with much of it, especially the fact that chastity doesn’t stand on its own. Chastity is a tool to help couples who care deeply for each other and are willing to go to great lengths to repair what a relationship that they find valuable. You are absolutely correct that many men would scoff at the prospect of locking their manhood in a cage.
While I agree with most of what you said, I do want to highlight that male orgasm does in fact release hormones that are intended to reduce bonding. Our bodies truly are not designed for the monogamous pair bonding that our society holds dear and many parts of our anatomy are quite literally designed to create conflict. While we may be in a committed relationship, our hormones and neurotransmitters are at constant odds with the pair bonded bliss that we seek.
First, a quick primer on hormones and the roles they play.
- Lust = Testosterone & Estrogen
- Attraction = Norepinephrine, Serotonin & Dopamine
- Sleep/Satisfaction = Prolactin
- Attachment/Love = Oxytocin & Vasopressin
After orgasm, women experience a boost in both Oxytocin & Vasopressin which boost the bonding between two partners. In men, Prolactin is released during orgasm. Prolactin creates a feedback loop in men that decreases desire and creates a feeling of sexual satisfaction. The cure for blue balls. This is the cause of the sleepy post-sex feelings that make him roll away from you to support the male refractory period.
Studies have also shown that orgasms through partnered sex release four times more prolactin than orgasms from masturbation. Prolactin shuts down Oxytocin response and it takes time for men to build that back up to pre-orgasmic levels. What does this all mean? This means our bodies are designed to build a bond but break that bond once we’ve done the deed.
Pre-Menstrual syndrome (PMS) is another such situation where your body plays saboteur to your relationship. The body intentionally creates irritability and hostility to a partner with the intention of sabotaging a pair bond. This creates pair rejection and perhaps the reshuffling of pairs within a tribe. This may have evolved to destroy infertile partnerships. If a woman is entering her menstrual cycle, she was not fertilized and should therefore select a new mate instead of continuing with a potentially infertile male. Most copulations in today’s society are done for recreation and not procreation and birth control helps to ensure that procreation doesn’t stem from our recreational coupling.
While some of my titles are written with sensationalist and clickbait headlines such as the “Don’t want to have sex, lock him up!” example above, they are intentionally done so. The title of this blog is no different and it got you reading this far for which I thank you kindly. We know that there is no magic bullet when it comes to relationship however I hope to explain the headline over the course of the blog.
The idea of a woman locking a man’s thingy against his will and expecting him to magically become the model male is fantasy, there is a level of truth to the solution if executed responsibly. The difference is that the couple must identify the problems and use male chastity as a tool to work toward the solution. As Jessie accurate stated, Men are undervalued in today’s society and in many relationships. Many men and women feel entitled to feel love from their partner while making little effort to give love. In a healthy relationship, giving love freely should result in requited love. Most men really do want the same thing that many women complain is missing, a deep emotional connection with another person. Most men are not good communicators and use sex to connect with their own emotions and show intimacy and vulnerability with a partner. Accurate or not, men often use sex as a barometer for the health of the relationship. If sex is happening then the relationship is good. If sex is not happening then the relationship needs to be fixed. Most marriage and family therapists will tell you that very few men seek marriage counseling if sex is happening regularly.
In the informal survey that we did a few years ago, the man introduced chastity to the woman nearly 80% of the time. Why would so many men bring the idea of chastity to the relationship? Is it because men are more prone to sexual fetishes? Perhaps but while fetishes may be part of the answer, men know the feelings they have toward their partner and they know just how much those feelings change after sex. Most men also know the drain of hormones and attention that masturbation takes from their partner. Men are problem solvers by nature and most of them are not natural communicators. If locking his dick up will make you love him and solve your conflict, he is gung ho to try it. What he doesn’t know is that the cage has little to do with the actual solution. The solution is increased affection and attention but the tool will give him the ability to increase both attention and affection. He wants to use the tools at his disposal to fix your relationship. Do the ends justify the means? For my relationship they do but there is still an aura of kink to chastity and I think that is unfortunate.
I agree that our society collectively shits on men and does not encourage them to feel sexy or show true emotion. Not being allowed to feel sexy results in men using the act of sex to make them feel sexy. Assuming we can look past our flaws, as women we can look in the mirror and see in the mirror something that resembles sexy. Many men feel that sexy is unattainable and the best they can do is “not ugly” or “less ugly” and I think that is a shame. Ask your partner if he feels sexy. We all deserve to feel sexy, talk about things you can do together to make him feel sexy. Due to societal conditioning, many men are unable to receive compliments even if you tell him that he looks sexy. You know the face he makes when he actually receives a compliment instead of brushing it off. If you don’t see that next time you compliment him, repeat the compliment and say something to demonstrate your sincerity. One night Kev was getting out of the shower and was reaching up to hang his towel and his butt was sexy and I told him such. He laughed and simply said “thanks”. I repeated myself in a nearly scolding voice because I was frustrated that it was brushed off. I told him that I really felt like his butt was sexy and the squats at the gym were really paying off for his figure. This led us to some wonderful conversation once he finally digested the complimentary morsel that I fed him.
Not learning to handle the full spectrum of emotions at a young age results in stunted emotional growth for many men. Some boys/men resort to sports to express emotions and while that works, it often teaches that emotions are accompanied by violence. Many men must learn to deal with emotions in adulthood after their developing years. Some take to it quickly once they realize the importance, some realize it after their second or fourth marriage. Some men never get a good handle on their emotions. When emotion isn’t fully comprehended, frustration and miscommunication often leads to the violence that they learned in sports. Did you know that 1 in 7 women have been injured by an intimate partner and intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime? The perpetrators of those crimes are of course accountable for their own actions but you have to wonder if those conflicts could have been avoided by some true communication. Perhaps that communication could have led to solutions such as therapy or a commitment to understand each other at an emotional level.
I appreciate your comments and sharing of your opinions. Your eight years of chastity dwarfs my own experience with my fiancé Kev but I hope to continue to learn with my partner and use the chastity tool to bring us closer together. You are correct that the majority of the blog is written from a female perspective but I do want to blend more perspectives into the site. We’ve got some great content in the forums which are more representative of the full gamut of genders and sexualities. I hope you stick around the site and continue to contribute. I really enjoyed this thought provoking comment and I should close with a reminder to everyone. I am no expert on the topic of relationships and chastity but like you, I seek to learn and grow with my experience through this blog and my wonderful guinea pig fiancé, Kevin.