This is part two of a series about the relationship sexual cycle. If you haven’t already read my explanation of the relationship sexual cycle in part one, please take a moment to do so now. I’ll do my best to make this one stand on its own but some of the concepts might make more sense if you frame them up first.
Great sex actually has nothing to do with a great relationship, you first need to separate the idea that those two things should go hand in hand. You CAN have a wonderful but sexless relationship and yes this includes romantic relationships as well. Can your needs be met with a sexless but highly emotionally connected relationship? This is a highly personal decision and may change at various points throughout your life.
Great sex does not always mean great relationship.
If you find someone that you are highly sexually connected to, that absolutely doesn’t mean they are relationship material. Have you felt sexual chemistry with someone that you knew was completely wrong for you? We all have! The bad boy, the hot nerdy guy; yep those are the boys I am talking about. Different people stimulate different parts of our brain and you need to separate the idea that everyone can be everything for you. It simply isn’t true and it isn’t fair to you or the people in your life to have that expectation.
Great relationship does not always mean great sex.
On the flip side, a great relationship doesn’t mean great sex. Have you ever been with a highly connected partner but lose sexual interest? This is especially true with long term relationships. The relationship needs of humans care about two things, arousal and safety. If you have pure arousal then you will likely have little support. If you have pure support, you will likely have very little arousal. These things don’t go hand in hand.
You CAN have great sex with a great relationship.
Let’s begin with desire. There are two types; responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is the lustful desire where you have sexual chemistry and cannot keep your hands off someone. Responsive desire is about showing up and putting yourself in sexual situations with someone who you have a responsive conditioning with. Responsive desire is built upon friendship and trust, two traits that are almost never associated with spontaneous desire. In fact, spontaneous desire is stifled by both friendship and trust. The video below does a great job of shining some light on the various types of desire.
If you don’t desire sex, your partner doesn’t matter to you.
This hurts but it is the truth that many people tell each other and it isn’t true, not in the slightest bit. Sex is about desire and fantasy. It is about making the other person’s fantasy important to you. Prioritize each other’s fantasies and make a highly intentional effort to explore fantasies together, not separately. Storytelling is a wonderful way to converge your subconscious.
Ok so my husband and I are kink friendly, how can we tweak our desire and sexual connection to stay as strong as it was in the beginning? It is all about sexual control and dominance. Only by removing the freedom of sexuality and replacing with sexual structure and guidance can you rewire your brain to control and “hack” your sexual desire mechanism. Let’s talk about some science and get back to this later.
Relationships are just glorified attachment bonds or the personification of attachment bonds. You instigate the attachment with your first date, You are drawn together with impellance and sexual desire exists. Inhibitions prevent sexual desire from turning into sexual behavior and that desire cycle repeats itself… until it doesn’t. Often times, instigation and impellance are the culprit, if he asks you for sex and you turn him down, he was the instigator but you got in the way of the impellance. This cycle repeats itself again and again through the course of your relationship.
The strange thing is that attachment bonds are both an impellor and inhibitor of sexual desire in relationships. Research has found that people tend to express more desire for sex when they have fewer opportunities for satisfying their sexual needs. This coincides with the law of supply and demand, when sex is less available it is more desired. Even more, the research shows that sexual desire supports subconscious goals and prevention of negative relationship outcomes. For example, during the earlier stages, sex is often more available by both partners as it is oriented around preventing partner rejection. Sex is important in solidifying the relationship during early phases as an emotional and physical bond. Sex reappears as a bond to save a relationship when threatened or when one partner’s intentions are unclear.
In the early stages of dating, sexual attraction is a stronger predictor of the desire to meet a date again as a relationship bond is built than minor detractors of the date’s personality. Over the course of several dates nonsexual aspects such as perceived similarity in attitude and traits begin to overcome the sexual attraction and relationship uncertainty. As the relationship unfolds over the course of months or even years, attraction may stay consistent but sexual desire may wane with the ebb and flow of confidence of partner intentions.
I want constant, passionate sex with my partner over the course of my 50-year marriage. News flash, that’s not going to happen. That didn’t happen with your parents, and it is unrealistic for your relationship. What is likely is that the sexual desire of your relationship will ebb and flow as life and job stressors change throughout the course of your life.
I refuse to accept the way I am wired, and I reject the need to emotionally separate from my mate just because my body is rejecting them sexually. That’s great, let’s work on it. Go to therapy, work on communication issues. Your therapist will advise you to devote efforts to eroticism, novelty and variety in your sexual routines. Relationship satisfaction is about play and building on sensations and fantasies. Creating shared activities that offer novelty and create opportunities for self-expansion both in and outside the bedroom will make your partner feel special and desired and revitalize passion. This is the key overarching solution and there are some wonderful ways to explore this with BDSM play, pegging, male chastity and sex toys.
Adapting the type of sexual characteristics to simulate stressors and create a false sense of supply and demand is a way to build sexual energy in a way that tricks the mind into seemingly limitless sexual energy. In our society, gender roles dictate that men and women take complimentary roles with he woman being the homemaker and the man being the breadwinner. This is of course changing and evolving over time however societal expectations still dictate as such and most importantly we are still wired as such even if we do not choose to accept this as our reality. The ebb and flow of a relationship is most often dictated by female sexual desire since female sexual energy is more complex. Female sexual control allows sexual energy to be harnessed as relationship energy in a way that hijacks the fragile relationship sexual cycle by adding non-demand, non-reciprocal pleasure to the mix. Is this one sided? Decidedly, yes. This is a hack to alter what is typically a twelve-year cycle of female mate replacement. Even the most committed relationship will see a seven-year itch where the partners begin to find the need to “spice things up” and typically that lasts for a few years with severe sexual mismatch becoming evident by about the tenth year. This is of course not true sexual incompatibility; this is the female sex drive pushing for mate replacement as the children become self-sufficient and able to exit the safety of the nest.
Female sexual control may be added to your relationship in several ways but it all comes down to orgasm control; more specifically taking complete control of his orgasms. When you control his sexual reward cycle and exert female dominance you take a two-sided approach to solving for sexual imbalance and waning sexual desire.
Limit his orgasms
When you limit his orgasms and especially his post-orgasm hormonal release, you allow him to stay in the loving, nurturing phase that promotes pair bonding. For example, my husband Kev and I are on a weekly release cycle. During the 7-day week, he is locked for 6 days and is permitted orgasm on the 7th day. We have sex and have plenty of sexual contact during that week, but he isn’t permitted ejaculation during our sexual play. If he gets close, we shift things to types of play that does not promote male orgasm. How does orgasm limitation work? Read more on this blog about male chastity and masturbation elimination.
Control his orgasms
Limitation is a type of control as noted above but another type of control is frequent controlled sexual release. Keep in mind that frequent sexual release is not a pair bonding activity and he will not be as docile and doesn’t carry the same scarcity model seen in orgasm limitation but instead it will build on your sense of sexual domination. Dominating his sexual needs by demanding his sexual behavior satiates a uniquely female need for caregiving and support. How does orgasm control work? Read more on this blog about sexual domination and control.
Pegging
There are few ways to reverse the sexual giver and taker roles of male and female more than pegging. The act of bending your male over the bed a while he must submit himself to your penetration is a deeply changing experience for both. Penetration is an inherently male sexual function while being penetrated is a female function. Accepting a partner inside of you is an emotional experience and it requires a type of connection that few men allow themselves to experience. Don’t get me wrong, sex for men is a deeply emotional experience but it is more about men feeling their masculinity validated by another person submitting to penetration. Is sex solely about penetration and submission? Of course not; but sexual submission and penetration are key to making you feel a type of sexual control that changes the sexual energy of your relationship.
Erotic Humiliation
Sex is masculine and sex can have many emotions associated with it. Humiliation is typically not one of them, but sex does have the potential to be humiliating especially when coupled with sexual dysfunction. Does he have insecurities about penis size? Does he cum too quickly? Does he take too long to cum? How about body issues? Humiliation is something that needs to be discussed prior to jumping in but the emotions from humiliation can be overwhelming.
Sexual Partners
Taking new sexual relationships is a tried and true way to harness new female sexual energy. When you take a sexual connection outside of your relationship, you are no doubt playing with fire so ensure that you discuss this at length with your partner. There are many ways of implementing this type of dynamic and the correct method is something for you to decide based upon your relationship. Whether you opt for a hotwife, cuckold, one-sided open relationship or two-sided open relationship you gain various sexual benefits. Some of these can pull from different categories as well. For example, cuckolding can be humiliating (if done in that way) and by definition adds an additional sexual partner.
A Recipe for Success
If you feel like this entire blog is about control and power, you would absolutely be correct. While females may have more opportunities for sex, we typically have less control in the bedroom which leads to a waning sexual desire as longer term relationships become more established and stale. Couple this fact with a female limerance
For me it seemed the women had that 7 yrs itch, leaving me for their reasons (often not other men) since I was open to many sexual interests. the minimum was 3 months for the more dominant women wanting out, to 9 years with my last gf, who after 2 years of covid asked to move in as room mate only. being 9 yrs coerced asexual, that was an easy acceptable situation, if not a lil toxic.
I guess the real question is what is it you and your partner want in the relationship. And quite often sex is NOT the answer, more often it’s the patch. I have learned sex gave the women in my life reason to stay, but it wasn’t enough. Being INFP and happy for long times alone, they wanted more.
“Female sexual control allows sexual energy to be harnessed as relationship energy in a way that hijacks the fragile relationship sexual cycle by adding non-demand, non-reciprocal pleasure to the mix. Is this one sided? Decidedly, yes. This is a hack to alter what is typically a twelve-year cycle of female mate replacement. Even the most committed relationship will see a seven-year itch where the partners begin to find the need to “spice things up” and typically that lasts for a few years with severe sexual mismatch becoming evident by about the tenth year. This is of course not true sexual incompatibility; this is the female sex drive pushing for mate replacement as the children become self-sufficient and able to exit the safety of the nest.”
It is definitely a thing.It is scary, but if we were to embrace it as a reality, we could avoid serial monogamy as the only solution.
Research shows that people who share their fantasies with their partner by and large report having positive outcomes. That’s probably because your partner also has many fantasies of their own.
Sharing your fantasies helps build intimacy in that one person is being vulnerable. In turn the person responds in kind developing a virtuous cycle of positive sharing.