After my previous blog entitled “My Husband is in the Friendzone” I received an outpouring of responses via Twitter and email – both negative and positive. A quick reminder to please comment directly on the blog itself, I welcome and will approve both approving and critical points of view. For those who read it, bear with me as I give a very brief overview. The asker of the question was “Jessica” or whatever her real name might have been. She was concerned that her feelings for her husband weren’t the same as those experienced at the beginning of her relationship and with subsequent lovers within the context of her open relationship. I decided to do a follow-up with more discussion about the excitatory and inhibitory processes and some very specific things that you can do to change the structure of your internal wiring.
Jessica’s story went something like this; a cycle that may seem all to familiar.
Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Boy & girl get married. Boy keeps sexual interest over time but girl loses sexual interest.
The gender roles may of course be reversed but the above is the most common as women are generally wired to be incompatible with monogamy; the standard bill of goods we are sold our entire lives. To begin, we should break down the word “sexual interest” above to two terms, sexual arousal and sexual desire. Sexual arousal is the physical arousal of the genitals and sexual desire is the desire for sexual satisfaction or attention. These are not mutually exclusive, one may have sexual desire without sexual arousal or sexual arousal without sexual desire. Sometime one begets the other such as a desire for sex with the absence of arousal so those feelings of desire are never acted upon. It seems too difficult to get into the mood so we often resort to porn or other partners where seemingly effortless sexual arousal and desire are present.
Give me some science!
This brings us to the saga of attachment bonds in committed relationships. While it is true that we can mate without bonding, many of us choose to enter into relationships where we bond with mating because it is more socially acceptable. Many of us actively seek-out long term deep partner attachment as the pinnacle of partnering because it is most rewarding and beneficial as a pairing. So the mate without bonding is the one night stand, the bond with mating is the new committed relationship then the third aspect is bond without mating. All are rooted in our evolutionary past. The mate without bonding is essential for women to partner in a very timely manner while she is highly fertile during ovulation. For females with a bonded partner, her body may see a timely mate without bonding partner for periods of her life where her subconscious sees pregnancy with her bonded mate as unlikely. The goal of the human body is of course, the creation of more people and our brains will do whatever it takes to enable human reproduction. This is what creates the allure and excitement of extra-pair mating in long term bonded partners. The long term bonded partner often promotes a bond without mating relationship in the primary with multiple secondary mate without bonding or mate with minimal bonding mating archetypes.
Sexual desire becomes less important among highly emotionally compatible mates because other aspects take over to sustain the relationship after the initial love-bond is created. Less compatible mates or newly attached mates will often require the brain to produce a higher level of sexual desire to be present because sexual attachment is required to satiate the needs of security and love in the pairing. The intense sexual desire may outweigh the need for love and commitment resulting in the desire to maintain a unhealthy and somewhat distant pair bond. We have evolved to reproduce and we are designed to pair off for our well being in terms of safety and support. With a nine month gestation, we are highly vulnerable to predators and our young are completely helpless for years after birth. Proliferation of our species requires us to have the support and comfort of a bonded partner with sexual needs. Those sexual needs are a requirement even if we think we suppress them.
What does it all mean?
The more compatible you find yourself with your partner, the less you will likely desire them once your mind is settled and comfortable. Have a wonderful relationship with few arguments and disagreements? Your levels of passion will almost certainly diminish toward your “soulmate” and your eyes will wander to other partners who can fertilize a pregnancy that your bonded partner can support and protect through pregnancy and birth. This my friends is the scientific basis of modern cuckoldry. Your brain is wired to reproduce and you are not broken. Birth control is a new development that our bodies have not adapted to correct for, we are still wired to associate sex with the high likelihood of a subsequent preganacy. The science says that the more emotionally and psychologically compatible you are with your partner, the worse you will be sexually over the long term. What if I want a highly charged sexual relationship with a highly emotionally connected partner? Is that even possible. Can my wiring be changed? It sure can, but you will have to tune in to my next blog for some tips and tricks to turn your bond without mating back into a bond with mating type relationship. It is all about trickery of the mind and creating a partner value proposition that deeply resonates with your subconscious.
Great sex does not always mean great relationship.
Great relationship does not always mean great sex.
You CAN have great sex with a great relationship.
This is the worst way to end a blog; with a cliffhanger but the truth is that I have more research to do before I can complete the remainder so I appreciate your patience. To be continued…
I’m looking for the conclusion of the cliffhanger!
I see variety as the spice of life. Our society says we need to have sex a certain way under certain conditions. Sex is between 2 people, ideally in a committed relationship without power dynamics.
Then Imagine going to the same restaurant 500 times in a row. It was exciting the first 50 times. Perhaps you experimented with some of the offbeat menus items. But after the 250th time perhaps that favorite restaurant lost of a bit of its excitement.