Introducing JustinsGoddess

I think bringing it to her attention and allowing her to make an informed decision can certainly be something in good faith of the relationship. If she decides this is not something that interests her and you keep pushing, that would certainly be topping from the bottom. 

Either way, welcome to the site. Tell us more about your story! We have a great community of people that are happy to help. It sounds like female perspectives only in this thread if you please. As tempting as it may be to contribute on this one, guys please just tap the like button and move on to the next one <3

Posted by: @lockedforlynn

@justinsgoddess & @lockedforlynn are having a situation where we're finding it difficult to get our FLR on track.  It may be unorthodox to introduce my wife in this way but I think she may find some help talking to Emma and some members.  (Guys not so much) 

(This is me trying to help but not top from the bottom, maybe I'm wrong?)

Well, um, hello @justinsgoddess.  I'm sure you'll find many helpful nuggets as you wander around this site.  

Happy Thanksgiving to you both.

Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

As tempting as it may be to contribute on this one, guys please just tap the like button and move on to the next one <3

Sorry ... delete mine if you'd like

I guess we have been exploring FLR for about 3 years, but it has never been  consistent.  We always start off strong and then it seems to fall apart.  I’m not sure if it has to do with my husband trying to impose his expectations on me and gets frustrated when things do not go as he had anticipated or if it is my leadership.  Sometimes I know I get caught up in the everyday busy life of being a full time working professional mom and wife who is currently working on her masters degree.  I feel that my attention sometimes is so focused on my career and school that I am not being attentive to my husbands needs.  So my first question is how do I keep his needs fulfilled, while attending to other things? Or maybe he just needs to figure out that maybe his wife is preoccupied and he just needs to make her life easy because that is his first priority?  How do I make him understand this?

@justinsgoddess

I think it is probably both and they go hand in hand to make a beautiful synergy. Sex isn't front and center in my mind like it is with Kevin and I am intentional with taking care of his needs. Depending on the level of energy I have, it is either 5 minutes or 5 hours of effort from me. Don't imagine for a second that it isn't effort. Nothing comes truly natural or free, you must even be intentional with things that you enjoy. 

My recommendation is to set an alarm on your phone at a time when you are decompressing from your busy day to remind you to make some sort of daily effort. Large or small, it doesn't really matter. With the alarm reminder, you will need to be intentional to NOT make an effort. 

You may want to also change your mindset from partner to caretaker, speak to him as you would an employee or a child. Even though you of course do not see him as a child, be very specific with the tasks you need done and the manner they must be done (if that matters) certainly set expectations about when they should be completed by. It can be a delicate dance to interact with him as a subordinate while still treating him like a partner.

From his end, I think a chore list would help keep this busy professional's life simple and focused on life when she gets home. Once daily, you can review his chore list and if things are to your satisfaction they will dictate how your reminder notification for him will go. 

There are seasons in your life where you may need to shelf anything that takes an ounce of extra effort from you. You must both understand that, it is simply how life goes.

Does that help?

I think that to add to Emma thoughts that we set time aside in our diaries (I know it sounds sad) when we will have time for each other - I guess it's the sort of 'date night' idea but with the twist that our relationship has.

What I would say is that I'm not sure that many men really mean it when they ask for their wife/partner to take the lead. Most I think are led by what they have seen in porn and think it's actually about having all their needs met. One has to go through a process of re education for him to what it actually means. 

I think this where having him wear a cage can help. For us it did immediately give me a sense of empowerment  and whilst at first it was a bit of kinky fun for him, as time progressed there was a slow dawning that there had been a shift away from his needs to mine. It doesn't happen overnight, or indeed over the first few weeks but it does gradually. We're probably at a quite extreme end of the spectrum now in that he's locked most of the time which means that his focus has pretty much completely shifted from his own sexual needs, but that journey has been over years.

Posted by: @mstara

I think this where having him wear a cage can help. For us it did immediately give me a sense of empowerment  and whilst at first it was a bit of kinky fun for him, as time progressed there was a slow dawning that there had been a shift away from his needs to mine.

It starts slow but before too long he has a moment when he realizes that it isn't about him anymore. Very true statement @mstara !

@justinsgoddess

Posted by: @justinsgoddess

I guess we have been exploring FLR for about 3 years, but it has never been  consistent.

That's us. Just from my point of view as a male i would like to bring in my 2cents.

Posted by: @justinsgoddess

I’m not sure if it has to do with my husband trying to impose his expectations on me and gets frustrated when things do not go as he had anticipated or if it is my leadership.

As for me, yes i've expectations and yes i get frustrated. So i ask myself - why is that. So let me try to explain (again just my thoughts). Crazy enough it is, because she loves me. That make it pretty hard to take that kind of lead over that i expect, or need to come into. Without that kind of "pressure" we're just a loving couple, more than 3 decades now. But that means everything is working nice.

She's doing fine, so i do.

We're happy.BUT, that's not FLR/WLR. That's not LEADERSHIP, that's common partnership. As long as it think in terms of partnership, everything is fine, did i start to think in terms of FLR/WLR/FemDom (or whatever you like to call it), it is frustrating and makes me angry. This kind of "angryness" she did not understand. Why is this - you give the answer ...

Posted by: @justinsgoddess

 I feel that my attention sometimes is so focused on my career and school that I am not being attentive to my husbands needs.

You're to BUSY to fullfill his NEEDS. Nowadays nearly nobody is not busy. So why should we change what's working (as a vanilla partnership)? Waiting until you're not busy, maybe in your next 10days vacation? Just dive into the FLR out of the blue??? The situations seem crazy, he want's to help you and need your guidance - at least your strict commands - and you think in terms of "his NEEDS" and felt overwhelmed.But he has to fullfill YOUR needs.

Posted by: @justinsgoddess

Or maybe he just needs to figure out that maybe his wife is preoccupied and he just needs to make her life easy because that is his first priority?

Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

You may want to also change your mindset from partner to caretaker, speak to him as you would an employee or a child

Make him clearly understand what YOU WANT!

Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

be very specific with the tasks you need done and the manner they must be done (if that matters) certainly set expectations about when they should be completed by

As much as it should

Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Depending on the level of energy I have, it is either 5 minutes or 5 hours of effort from me. Don't imagine for a second that it isn't effort. Nothing comes truly natural or free, you must even be intentional with things that you enjoy. 

(so, if you had to do more time to manage him - it does'nt helps you - at least on the long run).

But - as an example - after cleaning the bathrooms to your satisfaction, why not allow him to kiss your feet (i this is his fetish/desire). It needs 2 minutes, you didn't need to think to much, and he has worked for 2 hours. You need 2 minutes to feed the beast.
If you find some what need your exceptions, punish him (prolong the time he's allowed to get what is usually a reward)

Posted by: @mstara

Most I think are led by what they have seen in porn and think it's actually about having all their needs met. One has to go through a process of re education for him to what it actually means. 

If you call it porn - ok. It depends always on your very private view what sexuality is. A cage is for most of the people at least "weird" if not porn. Licking boots, sucking toes, pegging - all the way down ... PORN.

It's at the end of a day a PARTNERship - in our case - it comes with a special flavor. But booth gets and gives. Otherwise it will fail, what means it becomes sad for BOTH.

SHE use his kinks - so clean the kitchen becomes some Special-flavoured SEX for him - she has Minimum workload. Did she fulfill his needs - yes. Did he? He has it he will, begging you onto his knees for the favor to take out the trash.

And ... yes, use the cage, it will help him to focus on YOUR needs, it did'nt cost you anything but to be serious and severe. Please don't signalize you would just do it for him. Please stop apologize for not fulfill his needs! That make him angry and prevent him to live in his "subspace" 

@flyingbob. Dead on with my/our feelings.  It is not necessary for my wife to worry about or make a conscious effort to take care of my needs.  Being caged with an opportunity to serve her is kind of my kink.  We do not have a full blown FLR and it is primarily a sex/bedroom thing but the psychological changes caused by giving her having control of my orgasms has caused me to become aroused at a certain level just by doing things for her.  Things like doing the laundry, doing the dishes or vacuuming now have a sexual connotation to them for me.  Those things call for zero effort on her part.  When I am in want of maybe a little more physicality to this need and she isn't in the mood/doesn't have time one of my/her solutions is for me to give her a massage to put her to sleep at bedtime.  Zero effort on her part, I get the satisfaction of pleasing her and the satisfaction of physicality.  She allows me to straddle her thighs while I work on her butt, back and neck.  I am caged so She is content in knowing this is going now where other than her relaxation.  For me it is super arousing.  She is kind enough not to complain when I may happen to leak pre cum on her.  Then we both drift off to sleep.

It seems like a shift of your mind and your way of thinking of a relationship. I am excited but nervous to get started also. I love the feedback I get when I do things to help her but I find it challenging to get motivated and actually begin projects that I know will bring happiness to her. 

Posted by: @burgundy

It seems like a shift of your mind and your way of thinking of a relationship. I am excited but nervous to get started also.

Dive in.  Head first.  You won't regret it.  Don't ever forget though, it is about HER, not you, and from that you will enjoy immense pleasure.  For me, sex has never been better since we entered into our lifestyle 10 years, and I know that my Wife feels the same.  You'll orgasm less, but enjoy sex with much, much more!

@peterran That's perfect. I would like to see this also in my case. So i asked here at "evolving ..." but i got scolded.

So it's surely me fault, but i can't figure out what's the reason is anway.

Here: Household chores are a fulfillment

Such as.

I read this and my instant reaction was 'do you think you are doing your wife a favour?'
Maybe I've read it out of context but doing housework IS boring and the fact that the assumption that it is 'women's work' and that a man doing it is somehow a favour to the woman is astounding in this day and age.
Lets face it someone has to do the cooking, ironing, vacuuming, laundry  etc - why is it still assumed that it is the wife/woman who should naturally take on these tasks?