Chasing The Orgasm
I just got to read Stephie’s recent post on our love making this Saturday night. Hence the tittle for this topic. Yes it is the very thing @Emma warns us about in so many blogs. For those who read Stephie’s account of the events you do not get even a hint of how much she must love me.
It had been much longer than normal since my last orgasm and I was very horny but in no way does that justify the boorish way I made love to her that night. I rushed through all the foreplay and even her oral orgasm and there was no good reason. I knew I was going to get my orgasm and if I just made love to her in that patient, tender, sensual way that I always do we would have shared that magic moment when we give ourselves to each other completely and the orgasm is always amazing. For some reason the animal instinct was controlling me.
As soon as I had my orgasm I realized it wasn’t the same. I realized that none of the love making had been the same. The feeling was terrible and I knew that Stephie was disappointed too. I had just taken without giving. I felt like I raped her. Technically I didn’t, but she must have felt a little like I had.
I laid there and was actually crying a little and I was frightened over what I had done. I asked her to hold me in a very intimate way because I needed to know she loved me anyway. I was still making it about me but I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. Stephie did not hesitate. She rolled over and pulled me so tight against her breast and just held me without saying a word. She somehow knew how bad I felt.
After a minute or two I felt safe and I looked at her and apologized and told her I loved her. She said, “I understand and I forgive you.” We snuggled and kissed for just a moment and then she admonished me very gently. I promised it would never happen again and I even reminded her that when I make love about me instead of her and us she is supposed to tell me my fun is over and lock me back up. She smiled a little smile and said, “I know.”
She is so amazing. I make terrible love to her, just using her if you will, and she not only forgives me but then she shows me true intimacy to make me feel better about what I did. If that is not the definition of unconditional love I don’t know what is.
I don’t know what came over me that night. I have not been orgasm centric in close to 25 years. She taught me so well that we make love and I do not need to try to orgasm. If I just let it happen when it happens It will be more wonderful. She has always been right about everything in our love lives.
Maybe in some perverted way this was a good thing. It will remind me for a long time to come how good love making is and how disappointing pure sex can be.
After my love making fiasco Saturday night I got thinking about how we got to where we are because it is normally so wonderful with her controlling every aspect of our love making from the foreplay to her orgasms (and mine when my day comes up) to the after play. Stephie has definitely made it about the sensuality, intimacy, and love. The orgasm as I think I mentioned in an earlier post is a gift that she just gives me at some point and it is the gift of her whole self. Except for this Saturday night I have learned to not even think about it until it happens. She knows when we are both ready and she is the one that controls it and makes it what it is.
This is what @Emma tells us is so important in the relationship, separating the orgasm from the love making. What is interesting in our case is how counterintuitive the way Stephie got me there is. She got me there by making it all about the orgasm and how good it could be. As she gently “trained me if you will” she always told me she was going to make my orgasms even better if I would let her lead me.
It started with the chastity cage which totally eliminated my masturbation and then she made me realize my orgasms were stronger if they were less frequent. She was right. In between orgasm nights, she taught me to love her without me having an orgasm and I started to learn about sensuality and intimacy She would tell me by getting aroused and not getting an “O” I was raising my testosterone level even more and my next orgasm would be even better. Then she began to tell me I needed not to think about the coming orgasm during foreplay because I would not be forgotten and if it just happened it would be bigger and better than if I was pushing for it. That was hard but I slowly learned to concentrate on the foreplay like I did on the off nights and she was right again. When the “O” happened it was amazing. Then she worked on me not doing the thrusting, to let her control that part. I was nervous about this one but I remember she said it would be the best yet. When I asked how that could be she said, “Because I am that good.” I just would do rubbing my penis sideways and around in her and she would control when my orgasm came and we started having these almost simultaneous orgasms and they were truly special. Right again.
The final turning point that made me really believe that the love making was what was truly beautiful and the orgasm was the bonus if you will, (I now see it as her gift to me) was again counterintuitive. One night I couldn’t orgasm. She had hers and I didn’t even get close. I panicked but she held me and assured me this was not unusual and it was probably stress or overtired but I was not suddenly impotent. Then we talked a long time and I realized how wonderful the sex had been even without me getting an orgasm. My male brain finally comprehended what was really important in love making. It all tied together as I thought about how good I feel on the nights I don’t get orgasms but we still make love. Mind you I still wanted the orgasm because that does feel great but it was independent of the love making. I remember she smiled and said I didn’t have to worry. She would not take that away from us. The next morning during our cuddle time she had us do 69 and shortly after she had her “O” she gave me a wonderful orgasm and then we kissed and the shared juices were indescribable. She smiled at me and said, “I know this wasn't your time but I needed to let you know you were okay.”
That was all from about year 2 to year 4 or 5. This is year 29 and it just keeps getting better.
When we started this journey almost 30 years ago chastity was strictly a kink and FLR was not even an acronym. I was not thinking of separating orgasms from sex or love making. Never occurred to me that we were doing that till I came to this site and read some blogs by @Emma. It seems by accident that is what we are doing. I was just trying to make Dave a more patient lover. Yes it was about me and getting everything I wanted in our love making but I knew the better I was satisfied the better his orgasm would be so it was a win-win for both of us. Much of the joy in sex is the anticipation and the edging that occurs in the foreplay. Stretching out the intercourse also adds to that intensity when the climax comes. I believe this holds true for him as well as me.
The way we achieved separating orgasm from love making by making his orgasms better wasn't so counterintuitive after all. It wasn't our goal so much as a by-product of seeking patient love making.