Open Letter to Emma

Let me start by apologizing in advance because I now understand that the way I see a relationship is far different from you and most couples here.  I do not mean to offend anyone.  I also apologize again to you, Emma, for questioning the way you show your love to Kevin.  Kevin is not me and I was out of line.  I am sorry.

Emma, your new blog entitled “What Does Sex Mean to Men” is right on the money in every way.  It makes my problem with your blog entitled “Don’t Want to Have Sex?  Lock Him Up!” even more troublesome.  In that blog you totally pass up the perfect opportunity for the woman to help her man talk about and embrace those emotions that are so hard for him to express in any way other than sex.  Read the last paragraph again of your new blog.  The doctor has nailed it.   

I have tried to get you to explain to me how “Lock It Up” works as the best solution for both partners.  I am going to ask one last time.  In this blog you take an example of a man who awkwardly asks for sex.  You freely admit he is probably looking for some sort of attention other than actual sex.  Instead of asking him why he wants sex or giving him a hug or having him come sit with her and hold her hand so he can open up his heart and mind to her, the woman is to tell him to just lock it up.  By making him do this for her it somehow is supposed to tell the man she loves him because now instead of thinking about his desires or whatever might be bothering him, he will focus on her. 

I need to relate an incident that transpired between Stephie and me last year.  Unfortunately it is rather long because I have to tell how it came about.  It was the first time in a couple years that I asked for sex, although sex had nothing to do with what I was really asking for.  I have been reluctant to mention this event till now because I still feel like I betrayed a friend and it still hurts.

I am VP of Manufacturing at work and I had a friend, Robert, who was Director of Maintenance Operations in the Engineering Services Division.  We worked together often.  He was about 20 years younger but very much like me.  He was a super smart geek, introverted, and a little awkward.  We both had super-hot looking wives.  We became extremely good friends.  I only met his wife a couple times at company functions and I didn’t really care for her because she seemed like a true narcissist.  He obviously loved her very much so I never said anything bad about her.  For a few months before, he and his wife were having some problems.  He said she hadn’t slept with him in a few months and he slept in the guest room  I had gotten him to talk his wife into seeing a marriage counselor with him and all indications were that things were getting better.  The day before the night in question, Robert had come to me to tell me he wanted to talk to me.  I had 2 major meetings I had to prep for and didn’t even take lunch so I put him off and the second time he came to me I asked him if it could wait till tomorrow.  The day in question he was not at work yet and about 9:30 his wife called me because mine was the only number on his phone she recognized from work.  In a cold, matter of fact way she said, “Robert won’t be coming in any more.  He killed himself last night.”  I was stunned, almost in shock.  I asked what happened.  She said she found him slouched in a chair in the garage that morning with the car still running.  I was silent for a bit and then asked if she knew why.  She “guessed” it was about their fight.  It turns out she told him she was pregnant a couple days before.  He had wanted to work it out and they were supposed to see their counselor to talk about it.  That night she told him she changed her mind and was just going to move in with the baby’s father and he got very upset.  I asked her if he said anything that said he was going to commit suicide and she said maybe.  She told me he had said that his insurance and retirement all listed her as beneficiary and he wanted her to have everything but she assumed he was going to divorce her and was not going to fight over the “stuff.”  Everything she said was so cold and uncaring it gave me shivers.  How could any woman be this cold.  Then she said, “This is terrible.  What will I do if it doesn’t work out with Danny?”  I lost it and just slammed the phone down.  I spent a long time in HR telling them what happened and then just sitting there for a while.  It was a little after noon when suddenly I remembered how Robert had wanted to talk to me and I remembered how disappointed he was when I didn’t have time.  The rest of the day was pure Hell.  I tried to get my work done but all I could think about was Robert and how I had let him down.    

By the time I left for home I was feeling like s***.  If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my work and had taken just a few minutes to listen to my friend he might still be alive.

I get home.  Stephie had a tough day.  She was at the desk working on what turns out to be trying to put together a report on all her volunteer time for the last three months so they can use the info to help get grants and even use her time as part of grant matches.  On top of that, she had a lousy day because they needed her to run all over town trying to get some supplies they needed that nobody seemed to have so she was also tired, frustrated, and sore.  She didn’t even get up to hug and kiss me at the door.  She said she ordered pizza for supper and there was some on the table.  I said, “I need to talk to you” and she said it would have to wait.  I said I could massage her legs and puppies while I talked and she got a little irritated and said, “not now!” 

I had my pizza and sat there at the table just stewing.  The more I thought the worse I felt.  I was beginning to wonder what kind of man I was.  All at once, and I don’t know why I started to get an erection in my cage and felt like I had to be a “MAN.”   Out of nowhere I said, “I need to have sex!”  Stephie swung her chair around and gave me this weird look.  Then she said, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t give you your hug and kiss so come over and get it.  And tell me what’s going on!”  She stood up and took a couple steps toward me. As I walked over to her, I think it was the first time she had actually looked at me since I came home and I think she realized something wasn’t quite right.  She hugged me and I held her so tight and she started to kiss me and pulled back and said, “Your lips are trembling!  What happened?”  I told her “Robert committed suicide and it is partly my fault.  I let him down.”  She grabbed my hand and led me to the sofa.  We sat down half facing each other and she held my hand and with her other hand started to rub my back lightly.  She told me to tell her everything.

I told her everything that happened.  I must have squeezed her hand a million times which is something I do when I am stressed.  She just rubbed my back and listened.  When I finished I asked her, “What kind of a friend am I?  I didn’t have 5 minutes for my best friend.!”

I remember Stephie pulled me so tight against her for a while and then she said, “You are a good friend and you can’t blame yourself.”  Her words didn’t help at all.  She kept holding me and told me he made that choice after she told him she was going to leave him.  She said, “You couldn’t have been there then.  There is nothing you could have done.”   I told her that was true but maybe if I had listened to him things would have been different.  The I asked her, “What kind of friend doesn’t stop what they are doing when a friend needs them.”  There was a long pause and Stephie started to cry.  She said, “This one!  I almost didn’t listen to you tonight.  You said you needed to talk to me and I blew you off.”  I said, “yes but you have to get this report done.  It’s okay.”  We just held each other for a very long time and realized just how hard it is to be a good friend when you have other things on your mind.  Suddenly I could at least deal with it.  I will never forget I let Robert down though and I will try to make sure I never let anything like that happen again.  I told Stephie how much I love her and I hope I never have to tell her I need sex again.   

She said, “I can probably spare a few more minutes.  Remember you offered to rub my sore puppies.’  Her tears turned to a soft smile.  I joyfully massaged her calves and feet for 10 or 15 minutes and it was all she could do to stay awake by the time I finished.  She went back to her report.  A couple times I went over and rubbed her shoulders for a few minutes.  The onetime she said, “That doesn’t really help get it done faster.”  I immediately pulled away and she said, “I didn’t say to stop.  I just said it doesn’t make me work any faster.”  We both laughed and I rubbed her shoulders most of the evening. 

When she finally finished piecing together what she remembered doing for the organization for the last 3 months it was almost bedtime.  I got us each a glass of wine and told her we could both use this.  “It was a long day for both of us.”  We went up to bed and we snuggled and cuddled and then I started to rub her breasts and was going to give her her orgasm.  She said, “No just hold me.”  She was asleep in minutes. 

Stephie went to the viewing with me and I didn’t even shake the wife’s hand or say a word to her.  I offered my condolences to his parents and brother but I just couldn’t speak to her.  Stephie did.  After we left Stephie took my hand and said, “Someday you have to forgive her or she will own your mind and your soul.  You don’t ever have to like her but you have to forgive her.”  The next day at the funeral when the service was done she started to approach me and I was going to leave before she got to me.  Stephie held me back and said, “The time is now.”  Robert’s wife told me she knew I was his best friend and would I come to the luncheon and asked if I would say a few words about Robert.  I hesitated and Stephie said, “He would be honored to.”  She walked away and Stephie turned to me and said, “This is not for her.  This is for Robert and this is for you.”  I spoke about Robert for more time than I thought I would and when I got done and sat down I felt better about myself.  Stephie just knows me so damn well.   

All the good things in this story happened because when I said I needed to have sex, Stephie took a moment out of her hectic time and hugged me and asked me what I really needed. 

I know, Emma, you and most people here would say I manipulated Stephie into focusing on me instead of the other way around as it should have been.  Many will say she was weak and threw away all those years of being in charge.  But can you argue with the result?  And after that night I love and trust her with my life more than ever.  She didn’t give up anything.  She will always be in control in the end.

If Stephie had done what you said you would have done in that blog, that is no hugs or kisses and no asking why, if Stephie had just told me to thank her for making me wear a cage so I could better focus on her I am not sure what would have happened.  I am guessing there would have been either an ugly fight or I would have gone upstairs and sulked.  Any loving attention would have been colder than a penguin’s feet and I don’t know how long it would have taken me to get over the my depression.

So the purpose of this letter, Emma, is to ask you one more time, why when your man asks you in that awkward way that says he really needs something else other than sex isn’t the first move to find out what he really needs.  No, he is probably not having a meltdown as I was.  He might be bothered by something though or need to talk about something difficult and he doesn’t know how else to start or maybe feels he needs permission to talk about it.  Or maybe he just needs you to let him know that he too IS important in this relationship, that he is more than a servant.   Or maybe his love has matured and he just wants to talk and enjoy your company and he doesn't know how to say it.  Men are not known for their ability to express their emotions and need a little help.   Is telling him to go put his cage on really the answer he needs to hear?  I know maintaining the power exchange in domme/sub relationships is very important but…..

I do really want to understand.  I will refrain in the future from posting and imposing my beliefs on all of you as I do not want to be a source of discord.  This site, especially MOST blogs, usually has more of an element of love than other sites.  I will continue to read the forums and blogs in an attempt to understand how the submissive dynamic works.  Part of me needs to understand how the true submissive finds and experiences the feeling of being completely loved that I believe every human needs to feel.  It is apparently on some different emotional level than what I experience.  Maybe even a purer level since there appears to be no “in Kind” reciprocation?