For Emma

Emma, I will accept your challenge to come back and interact and see if I can understand what you are saying to us.  I read your response and I still have some serious concerns.

In my comments on your recent “Lock Him Up” blog I asked why when a man says he wants to make love and the woman is not in the mood you say she should tell him to lock himself up instead of offering to hug and kiss and hold hands.  Your choice in the “Lock Him Up” blog was very much saying that by telling him to lock up and don’t make her do anything to actually show him she loves him she is somehow being intimate and loving.  Look again at what you said in the “Direct approach” section.  That is exactly what you implied.  My solution was what happens with us on the rare occasion I feel horny enough to actually ask Stephie if we can make love before it is time.  She will of course say no.  But she comes to me or has me come to her and she gives me a nice hug and gently touches my face, which says more things than you can imagine, and gives me a kiss.  Not a passionate kiss but a kiss that says I love you.  Then she actually says “I Love You.”  Then we sit on the couch and talk a bit and she holds my hand or caresses my back.  Almost immediately I feel calmer.  It probably won’t surprise you but it turns out I wasn’t so much horny as just needy.  I was just feeling a little alone and needed a little reassurance or comfort.  Based on what you said in the blog you would have had her say, “You have your cage on.  How much more loving can you want?”  What Stephie does, makes me feel loved and want to hold her and enjoy just sitting and talking to her.  The cage, not so much.  Can you tell me why the woman shouldn’t do what Stephie does.  Would it really change the power dynamic so drastically as to damage the relationship.  Yes, it did take some effort on her part, unlike having the man go lock up, but we both end up feeling closer. 

I was not so concerned that you don’t talk about communication because indeed you do.  My concern was that the answer to keeping the man focused on her is always tease and frustrate.  My communication concern is why don’t you ever tell the women that it is so important to tell your man those three little words he needs to here and tell him often.  By the way the words are not “Lock it up.  They are “I love you.” 

Yes, you directed me to blogs that talked about how men need to be appreciated and how they are making a sacrifice but you don’t ever in any of them suggest the ways to do that.  The things that make a man feel good about his woman are not about being frustrated.   They are about being loved.  A hug when he is down or feeling alone, a simple touch on the arm or shoulder or in my case on the cheek does wonders.  It makes him want to reciprocate and do something loving for her.  You may think these things don’t need to be taught or encouraged but I know of a few cases where they fell by the wayside and the marriage just kind of disintegrated.  One young couple I know from work just got a divorce.  The husband saw my wife bring me lunch most days and we always said I love you when she left instead of goodbye.  One day he told me he wished his wife would say I love you just once in a while.   He said when he tells her he loves her she just says, “Yes dear.” and tells him what she needs done.  They split up this summer after 5 years of marriage.   Would an “I love you” have made a difference?  It might have because those words can set a whole different atmosphere in the relationship.

I still feel bad for Kevin even though you tell us how much you love him.  I started to feel empathy for him when I read a blog in which you said that on Sunday after you have your PIV with no orgasm for him, he is required to kneel across from you and masturbate while you pleasure yourself in front of him.  He gets no touching or kissing or loving while he performs.  I remember when I used to masturbate during Stephie’s period years ago.  It was addictive because of the orgasm but afterwards I just felt nothing.  Just an empty feeling I didn’t really like.  I had no problem when Stephie had me try a chastity cage during her period to prevent it.  It stopped the addiction and the emptiness.  As I learned to make real love over those first years and we started using chastity to space out my orgasms for maximum impact I began to get a whole new sensation when I orgasmed.  The physical high was wonderful, always will be, but the feeling that followed it became more powerful than the orgasm itself.  The orgasm is a few seconds of intense pleasure but after it stops I feel this sense of peace and a feeling of being loved that is so strong and I feel so close to Stephie for the whole next hour or so while we make this wonderful sensual love.  We go to sleep with her in my arms or sometimes on my shoulder and there are no words that can describe how I feel.  Like I am king of the world.  In the morning I wake to a gentle kiss and she strokes my cheek and she can have anything she wants. 

I know you want and feel that sensual love when you have your orgasm, that feeling that makes it something more, a feeling of intimacy.  Why do you deny that feeling to Kevin in his orgasm?  It doesn’t have to be a PIV orgasm.  It has to be a loving orgasm though.  Yes, men are biologically different and our hormone levels are not the same.  A man has to learn, if that is the right word, to experience that sensual orgasm.  It probably took me at least 3 or 4 years to truly reach the point I am today.  Once a man experiences an orgasm that comes from pure love and bonds him so close to his wife, I believe he will never want to masturbate in the shower again.

I have a couple personal questions about how you show Kevin your love and you can feel free to not answer them if they make you uncomfortable or you feel I am out of line.

How often do you say the words to Kevin, “I love you?”   It better be at least once a day and preferably more or I am really going to be concerned for him. 

Can you tell in an instant when Kevin is a little down or blue?  If he is, do you give him a hug or a gentle touch or maybe a little kiss?  Something to say I love you and it will be okay.  Something other than teasing which is really about sex.

Does Kevin ever get the massage or at least a back rub or nice caress for no reason at all?  Just because you want him to feel good.

These may seem like silly questions, but to me they say so much about the relationship.