No sex drive and fa...
 
Notifications
Clear all

No sex drive and failing sex life

9 Posts
8 Users
23 Likes
674 Views
Lewd Camo
(@lewd-camo)
Posts: 1
New Member
Topic starter
 

My wife isn't horny I want to hear her for once tell me she desires me but if we do have sex it is because she acts like she owes it to me and obligated to have sex. I want her to want me and be desired and the passion from before we got married but that isn't our marriage any more. How can I bring the spark back? I miss the woman I fell in love with.

 
Posted : 03/06/2022 12:17 pm
Brittany
(@brittany)
Posts: 38
Estimable Member
 

Try making a nice dinner or, or doing something adventurous, try being more helpful around the house if you lack in that area (idk if you do). Do little things and a big thing or two to show you care. Try giving more hugs and little kisses just cause without bringing up sex. Even try exploring male chastity if you haven’t owning his orgasms can be very fun for a woman and really flips the dynamic for us sexually. 

 
Posted : 03/06/2022 12:24 pm
restrainedlove, Emma, Emma and 1 people reacted
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Posts: 1014
Famed Member Admin
 

100% what @brittany said. PLUS I'd like you to re-read your post from her perspective and recognize that you are making this "her problem" rather than owning it yourself. You said:

  • my wife isn't horny
  • she acts like she owes it to me and obligated to have sex
  • I want her to want me
  • I miss the woman that I fell in love with

While knowing what you want isn't a bad thing, try looking at it from a different perspective rather than casting blame and creating distance.

  • We need help figuring out what changes I can make to help my wife desire me.
  • I know that I can be a better partner and worthy of her desire.
  • I need help finding ways for her to feel my love for her.
  • My wife is the woman that I fell in love with and I acknowledge that I'm not the man that she fell in love with. How can I bring the spark back.

By being self-aware about this and not pointing fingers, I think you can probably make some huge strides.

Advertisement

Also as Brittany said, male chastity would probably do wonders in your situation.

 
Posted : 04/06/2022 10:31 am
restrainedlove, J.M, AllAboutHer and 4 people reacted
Allabouther
(@allabouther)
Posts: 220
Member
 

I couldn't agree more with Emma that you need to own the problem and look with an open heart for a solution within yourself.  But I would be cautious about introducing a chastity device at this point.  There is obviously too much space between you now, and if she percieves that she has to solve your problem by managing your chastity, I think you could create greater distance.

I would absolutly recommend however, that you immediately stop masturbating and begin retaining.  Use retention as a tool to help you get your mind straight about your priorities and the importance of your wife as the center of your life.  While you can tell her that you have stoped masturbating because you want to keep her as the focus of your sex/love life, I would not tell her anything like "You own my orgasms," or "I won't cum without your permission," at this stage.  I think these things will only increase her sense of obligation and threfore create resentment and more distance.

Do it for its own sake because it is the right thing to do, not as a way to manipulate her into more sexual acivity with you.

Once she learns that you are willing to have a sex life on her terms, and you feel totally safe being vulnerable with each other, then introducing chastity as a symbol of your love and commitment could be the best thing that ever happened in your love life.  But if you push it, I fear you will just create another burden and increase the disconnect between you.

Also, a marriage counsellor might help.  Just remember that counselors are there to help you two bridge the gaps that have formed between you.  They are not judges to be persuaded to your side of the argument about how your wife is the problem.

Good luck.

 
Posted : 04/06/2022 11:54 am
restrainedlove, Mesabijoe, J.M and 7 people reacted
J.m
 J.M
(@j-m)
Posts: 60
Estimable Member
 

@lewd-camo

I have a question for you .

Do you want your wife to be more horny or is it more love, intimasy och feel loved and seen you looking for ?

Horny is tricky the later is a bit more easy 😊 

Just do what every one of the wise and kind hearted here have told you, make time for her, protect her and love her.

Clean, make dinner, pamper her make sure she feels you are investing your energy and love into her and the relationship ❤️ ❤️

For intimasy, hugg her and tell her you love her, if she want/agres give her foot massages and cuddles, offer full body massages and NEVER demand/hint you want anything in return.

You are doing all this for her plesure and your relationship, not to get sex....and then you see her smile and she thanks you for helping/ loving her you will feel f#%k great and loved.

Compaired to many here im still a novice but can go months without orgasm but with out feeling loved and feeling closnes my world crumbles fast.

 

Best Regards J.M

 
Posted : 15/06/2022 8:17 am
Florindooff
(@florindooff)
Posts: 2
New Member
 

I probably have a lot of these stories in my mind because I like to masturbate, sometimes I do it in my car in the parking lot or in the fitting room of a store. The most memorable story is in the fitting room of a store when I was using a vibrator from https://jоynights.org/best-rаbbit-vibrator/  and a consultant came in and saw it. I pulled him to me and we had great fitting room sex smile

This post was modified 2 months ago 2 times by florindooff
 
Posted : 20/09/2022 7:33 pm
Restrainedlove
(@restrainedlove)
Posts: 128
Estimable Member
 
Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

100% what @brittany said. PLUS I'd like you to re-read your post from her perspective and recognize that you are making this "her problem" rather than owning it yourself.

Posted by: @allabouther

I would be cautious about introducing a chastity device at this point.  

Also, a marriage counsellor might help.  

@Brittany with the quick response, Emma with a list of what you should tell a therapist to help you with, @AllAboutHer with words of caution, and @J-M with some more suggestions!

As for the therapy, this is not a bad thing or that something is necessarily wrong with you. However, Emma is correct in the ways that you are wording your message here. It is something I work on myself. Try rewriting what you have said a few times until you take responsibility for it. Practice:
 - When I am upset, I feel ... (feelings such as angry, justified, scared, anxious)
 - What I then do is ... (behaviors such as critiize, interrupt, manipulate, beg, demand)
 - My behavior is because I long for ...
 - But when I do this, I perceive you ... (behavior)
 - ... and then I feel ... (feelings such as angry, sad, disappointed, deprived)
 - We get stuck in a negative cycle which upsets us both.

Another therapy skill I'm working on is apologizing:
 - I'm sorry for ... (your action that contributed to the problem, even if it wasn't the sole cause of the problem).
 - Taking responsibility. (I'm sorry for, I apologize, It was wrong to, I feel terrible because I shouldn't have, this was my fault) (DO NOT justify your actions at this time. (I was tired, because I saw you doing something, because something else was happening, because I was busy at work).)
 - Listen and improve. Hear her out. Remember it is NOT about you, but rather how she is feeling. Explore those emotions and have empathy (I see how my actions would make you feel that way. I apologize for that action and will work to avoid it in the future by ...)

Lastly, Emma has a pretty good list for ways that you can domesticate yourself here (House Husband: Setting Expectations With a Written Agreement). Start working on these yourself, rather than having her command you to do them. The goal is for you to create a list and execute which will reduce the mental load on your loved one. After you do things for a few weeks (to develop the habit), be sure to check in and make sure you are doing them in a way that she agrees to (no sense in cleaning the bathroom if you are not doing it well enough and she has to do it afterwards anyways.)

This post was modified 2 months ago by restrainedlove
 
Posted : 28/09/2022 9:45 am
Jd3064169
(@jd3064169)
Posts: 51
Estimable Member
 

I was in your shoes, unfortunately I ended the marriage,  even after counseling.  That being said all relationships are different.  I'm  not sure what conversations you've had with her, but before shelling out $$ for counseling,  try telling her to set aside some time where you won't be interrupted, no kids, no phones etc.  If she asks why just tell her you want some quiet time where you guys can talk.  Then when the time comes, tell her you miss the days of when you were dating, you miss the desire she had for you, & you definitely miss pleasing her in & out of the bedroom.   After stating that ask her what can you do to start getting things back on track. Be prepared to hear all sorts of reasons why things have fizzled.   Just let her talk, don't interrupt,  take it all in. Then try to focus in on the smallest easiest things, maybe both of you write a few things down you each can do. Then start working.  It's not going to change over night, it's taken you a long time to get where you are, it may take twice as long to get back out.  Of you get to a point of her wanting sex again try to make it about her, tell her tonight's all about you I want nothing in return.   Give her a few of those nights, hopefully after all that her desire for you may come back. 

When you do talk I would ask does she still love you, does she still find you attractive,  does she want a sex life, also tell her how you feel that when you do have sex you feel like your guilting her into it, & you don't want to do that to her.  Good luck,  part of it could be hormones too.  I'd also ask her if she feels counseling would help, or if she feels it is needed.  

 
Posted : 30/09/2022 4:57 pm
Jd3064169
(@jd3064169)
Posts: 51
Estimable Member
 

I was in your shoes, unfortunately I ended the marriage,  even after counseling.  That being said all relationships are different.  I'm  not sure what conversations you've had with her, but before shelling out $$ for counseling,  try telling her to set aside some time where you won't be interrupted, no kids, no phones etc.  If she asks why just tell her you want some quiet time where you guys can talk.  Then when the time comes, tell her you miss the days of when you were dating, you miss the desire she had for you, & you definitely miss pleasing her in & out of the bedroom.   After stating that ask her what can you do to start getting things back on track. Be prepared to hear all sorts of reasons why things have fizzled.   Just let her talk, don't interrupt,  take it all in. Then try to focus in on the smallest easiest things, maybe both of you write a few things down you each can do. Then start working.  It's not going to change over night, it's taken you a long time to get where you are, it may take twice as long to get back out.  Of you get to a point of her wanting sex again try to make it about her, tell her tonight's all about you I want nothing in return.   Give her a few of those nights, hopefully after all that her desire for you may come back. 

When you do talk I would ask does she still love you, does she still find you attractive,  does she want a sex life, also tell her how you feel that when you do have sex you feel like your guilting her into it, & you don't want to do that to her.  Good luck,  part of it could be hormones too.  I'd also ask her if she feels counseling would help, or if she feels it is needed.  

 
Posted : 30/09/2022 4:58 pm

Advertisement





Share:

Advertisement