My journey has been accelerating

What was your wife's personality like before the two of you had met? You both have had children previous to meeting each other and I was just wondering how she became who she is now, if she was living in mom mode and being around you lit the spark or if it was her curiosity that led her down this transition. 

She has always been the same woman, I just helped her have the self confidence to be her best self.  That she had to be submissive and deferential to her husband was unrelentingly drilled into her by her mother and first husband.  It was an unhappy marriage.  Until she met me she didn’t know that anyone had such a thing as a female-led relationship, but she knew she was at least entitled to respect and decency.  It took me several years of hard work to help her confront her inhibitions and reverse the harmful conditioning.  She fully embraces her control and thrives on me placing her first.  But she is very compassionate.  She relishes being pampered and being the leader in our personal lives, but she has zero interest in any dynamic that diminishes, degrades, or humiliates me.

@allabouther In a way, it seems almost like maybe having lived in a way that was unnatural to her gave her the intensity she was able to use with you now once it was able to be released. Perhaps a blessing in that way. The two of you needed to live your lives the way you both did so that you were ready for each other and now you are both having so much fun together. Good luck on your journey.

Posted by: @allabouther

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The most intense was one morning where, after satisfying her, she required me to “soak.” 

THIS!  Soaking, which is something I learned about here from one of Emma's blog posts, is intensely wonderful and beautiful.  I'm still amazed at how similarly our (yours and mine) timelines seem to run in sync.  At least a little bit.  Soaking takes me into among the deepest subspace I ever get to.  I love being there.  I have an upcoming post on my blog about a soaking adventure I was allowed to go on last week.  

Thanks for sharing my friend.  I love how well your FLR is going for you, and in particular for your lovely wife.  Good for both of you.

I own a law firm in the Washington D.C. area.  One of the things I did to help support my team’s spirits when we were all isolated during the Covid-19 lock down was to have each member of the team share one thing for which they were grateful during our regular Zoom team meetings.  The group Zooms made us feel a little less isolated in themselves, but the sharing exercise had a special purpose.  Neuroscience tells us that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to hold a depressive thought in your mind while you are simultaneously being grateful.  Gratitude, along with other small things like exercise, exposure to sunlight, and spending time with friends, can help contribute to an “upward” spiral of mental health and well-being.

I was thinking on this science while my wife and I were in the car on the way to her mother and brother’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.   It has been increasingly challenging for my wife to deal with her mother over the last year.  Despite being 90 years old and clearly showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease, she refuses to admit that she needs any help in taking care of her son who has been paralyzed for 35 years.  She can hold a memory for no longer than five minutes but refuses to go see a doctor or even get her hearing aids adjusted.  She insists that she has no problems and is in total control of everything.  She refuses to give up driving (although thankfully this is pretty much limited to going to the grocery store) and opposes any effort to get caregivers to come into the home for her son.  The worst part of it all is that she is becoming paranoid and has convinced herself that all this talk that she should see a doctor or allow any kind of help is a plot instigated by my wife to try to get her declared “crazy” and put away in a “home.”  Consequently, she can be very combative, accusatory, and confrontational, sometimes even lashes out in violence.

So, with every passing minute of the drive to my mother-in-law’s house, my wife’s mood got darker and darker.  She was literally dreading the visit.  Her limbic system was in firm control, and she wasn’t interested in talking about it. 

I swear this post has something to do with female-led relationships.  I just needed to set the scene.  Remembering the tool we used at work during Covid, I changed to subject from my mother-in-law’s mean-spirited decline to something more positive.  I asked my wife to tell me three things she was grateful for.  The tension in her shoulders immediately relaxed as she thought about the question.  Almost immediately, she said, “I am grateful for you.”  Then she paused and thought.  I could tell she was actually realizing that she has a lot to be grateful for and was trying to figure out which two additional things she was most thankful for.  “My girls, would be number two, and Jack!”  Jack is her four-month-old grandson and the light of her life.  A smile spread across her face from ear to ear.  All the worry about her mother was immediately gone.

She turned to me and said, “How about you?  What are the top three things you are grateful for?”

I replied, “Well, absolutely first on the list is you.  I never thought I could be so much in love with another person.”  Then I thought about how we started the day in bed and the amazing relationship we have developed over the past few years.  “Number two would be our FLR.  Number three would be the incredible people I have that surround me, from my family to the amazing team we have built at work.”

She said, “You need to pick another because your first two are really the same.”

“I don’t think so,” I said.  “I would be grateful to have you as my life partner even if we had a vanilla relationship.  In fact, our relationship was pretty vanilla for years before we started on our FLR journey.  You are wonderful, kind, compassionate, and wicked smart.  I could be very content to be married to you even if you weren’t interested in doing what you did this morning.”

“But, the fact that you get my desire to be submissive, and embrace your own desire to be dominant, but in a loving way, has literally led to me living my dream.  Every aspect of my life is better because of my FLR with you.  My life is so much more peaceful.  I am so much more focused at work.  And then there are the times like this morning.  Well, that was hot.  I mean H-O-T, hot!”

Fade to flashback: 

I happened to be awake just before sunrise when she got up to use the bathroom.  When she returned to the bed, she saw that I was awake and snuggled up next to me.  We talked for a few minutes about nothing in particular and shared a few kisses.  “Why don’t you go to the bathroom,” she said.  She knows I perform sexually at my best if I don’t have to interrupt things to hit the john, so telling me to go the bathroom is basic code for “be ready to service me.”

I returned from the bathroom, removed my shirt so she could run her hand through the hair on my chest (one of her favorite things to do when she is horny), and climbed back under the sheets.  After a few minutes of making out, she asked me, “Can you guess what I’d like?” 

It was a close call between coffee or a mimosa.  Since it was a holiday, I went with the choice that involved champagne, my wife’s “spirit animal.”  “You’d like a mimosa, but in a juice glass so it won’t spill in bed.”

“You’re a smart man,” she smiled.

I climbed out of bed, fully erect, and went to the kitchen to make her an eye opener.  I had prepared the coffee machine the night before, so all I had to do was flip the switch to get it ready for her inevitable request for coffee.

I returned to the bedroom and rested my head on her breast while she sipped her mimosa and we chatted.  I gently stroked her tummy while she ran her fingers through the hair on my head.  When she finished her drink, she said, “Another.”  It wasn’t commanding, just matter of fact. 

“Yes, my love,” I said as I got back out of bed.  “I’ll be right back with another mimosa and this time I’ll bring you a hot cup of peppermint mocha coffee, too.”

“Oh, yum,” she replied.

I fetched her drinks and hustled back to the bedroom while she reclined on her pillows and enjoyed the soft morning light pouring in through the windows.  I resumed my position snuggled up to her side with my head resting on her breast.  We talked about Christmas plans for about half an hour, and she enjoyed her drinks. 

When she polished off the last of her second mimosa, she put her glass down and pushed me onto my back.  She rolled over top of me and began kissing me passionately.  Before long, she climbed up my body and planted her wet pussy squarely on my face.  When I could see what she was about to do, I gasped audibly and said, “Oh, yes. Thank you, baby!”  I was in heaven as she queened me and ground her pussy against my face while I licker furiously. 

Then she made it even hotter.  “Jerk off for me,” she said.  “That’s it. Jerk off for me, baby.  But no cumming.”

I brought her to three orgasms with my tongue while I came to edge as many times.  But didn’t ask for permission to cum for two reasons.  First, my mouth was full.  Second, I knew she was enjoying the power of instructing me to perform for her.  I believe her teasing made her orgasms stronger.

This was perfectly fine by me.  At this point in our FLR, I can honestly say that I get more pleasure from sharing the experience of her orgasms than I get from having my own.  And I can’t tell you how much I love savoring the taste of her juices and the way the taste changes after she orgasms.

After her third orgasm, she climbed down from my face.  She lay on top of me, putting me between her legs.  She slid down until her pussy just touched my hard penis, but she didn’t let me enter her.  She started sliding her clit against my erection and held my face firmly in her hands as she kissed me.  I got what she was driving at, so I reached between our legs to use my hand to rub the head of my penis against her love button.  I was completely under her control as she had me pinned to the bed and I worked like a human vibrator to bring her to orgasm.

After her climax, she rolled onto her back and spread her legs.  No words were necessary for me to know that it was time for me to give her the “big one.”  I used my fingers to bring her to one more powerful orgasm.  Once her climax ended, I held my finger firmly on her clit and hugged her close to my chest with my other arm.  For more than a minute, she lay back with her eyes closed as a series of aftershocks rolled over her.   

Then she settled into what she calls her state of bliss.  Being with her when she is in her state of bliss is the essence of our FLR to me.  She is so exhausted from her multiple orgasms that she can barely move.  Often, she cannot speak in more than mumbles while she savors the feelings and takes her time recovering.  I, on the other hand, am at the peak of my arousal having been denied permission to cum.  I hold her, kiss her cheek, and tell her how much I love her.  She will lay in my arms peacefully, sometimes for as long as 15 minutes, while my erection throbs against her hip.

I never know what will happen next.  Sometimes she wants to stay in her state of bliss and she will instruct me to masturbate for her; sometimes to completions, sometimes not.  Other times she will take me into her hand stroke me herself; sometimes to completion, sometimes to a ruined orgasm, sometimes to a firm denial.

Maybe it was because it was a holiday, but on Thursday morning she gave me something else to be grateful for.  She took me into her hand and firmly instructed me, “I want you to cum for me now.”  I am grateful for the release, but I am eternally grateful for the loving FLR.

I am absolutely grateful that I have found the love of my life.  But I am thankful at an entirely different level that she wants to live our life together as a loving female-led relationship.

I hope everyone else has something or someone to be so grateful for.

I own a law firm in the Washington D.C. area.  One of the things I did to help support my team’s spirits when we were all isolated during the Covid-19 lock down was to have each member of the team share one thing for which they were grateful during our regular Zoom team meetings.  The group Zooms made us feel a little less isolated in themselves, but the sharing exercise had a special purpose.  Neuroscience tells us that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to hold a depressive thought in your mind while you are simultaneously being grateful.  Gratitude, along with other small things like exercise, exposure to sunlight, and spending time with friends, can help contribute to an “upward” spiral of mental health and well-being.

I was thinking on this science while my wife and I were in the car on the way to her mother and brother’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.   It has been increasingly challenging for my wife to deal with her mother over the last year.  Despite being 90 years old and clearly showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease, she refuses to admit that she needs any help in taking care of her son who has been paralyzed for 35 years.  She can hold a memory for no longer than five minutes but refuses to go see a doctor or even get her hearing aids adjusted.  She insists that she has no problems and is in total control of everything.  She refuses to give up driving (although thankfully this is pretty much limited to going to the grocery store) and opposes any effort to get caregivers to come into the home for her son.  The worst part of it all is that she is becoming paranoid and has convinced herself that all this talk that she should see a doctor or allow any kind of help is a plot instigated by my wife to try to get her declared “crazy” and put away in a “home.”  Consequently, she can be very combative, accusatory, and confrontational, sometimes even lashes out in violence.

So, with every passing minute of the drive to my mother-in-law’s house, my wife’s mood got darker and darker.  She was literally dreading the visit.  Her limbic system was in firm control, and she wasn’t interested in talking about it. 

I swear this post has something to do with female-led relationships.  I just needed to set the scene.  Remembering the tool we used at work during Covid, I changed to subject from my mother-in-law’s mean-spirited decline to something more positive.  I asked my wife to tell me three things she was grateful for.  The tension in her shoulders immediately relaxed as she thought about the question.  Almost immediately, she said, “I am grateful for you.”  Then she paused and thought.  I could tell she was actually realizing that she has a lot to be grateful for and was trying to figure out which two additional things she was most thankful for.  “My girls, would be number two, and Jack!”  Jack is her four-month-old grandson and the light of her life.  A smile spread across her face from ear to ear.  All the worry about her mother was immediately gone.

She turned to me and said, “How about you?  What are the top three things you are grateful for?”

I replied, “Well, absolutely first on the list is you.  I never thought I could be so much in love with another person.”  Then I thought about how we started the day in bed and the amazing relationship we have developed over the past few years.  “Number two would be our FLR.  Number three would be the incredible people I have that surround me, from my family to the amazing team we have built at work.”

She said, “You need to pick another because your first two are really the same.”

“I don’t think so,” I said.  “I would be grateful to have you as my life partner even if we had a vanilla relationship.  In fact, our relationship was pretty vanilla for years before we started on our FLR journey.  You are wonderful, kind, compassionate, and wicked smart.  I could be very content to be married to you even if you weren’t interested in doing what you did this morning.”

“But, the fact that you get my desire to be submissive, and embrace your own desire to be dominant, but in a loving way, has literally led to me living my dream.  Every aspect of my life is better because of my FLR with you.  My life is so much more peaceful.  I am so much more focused at work.  And then there are the times like this morning.  Well, that was hot.  I mean H-O-T, hot!”

Fade to flashback: 

I happened to be awake just before sunrise when she got up to use the bathroom.  When she returned to the bed, she saw that I was awake and snuggled up next to me.  We talked for a few minutes about nothing in particular and shared a few kisses.  “Why don’t you go to the bathroom,” she said.  She knows I perform sexually at my best if I don’t have to interrupt things to hit the john, so telling me to go the bathroom is basic code for “be ready to service me.”

I returned from the bathroom, removed my shirt so she could run her hand through the hair on my chest (one of her favorite things to do when she is horny), and climbed back under the sheets.  After a few minutes of making out, she asked me, “Can you guess what I’d like?” 

It was a close call between coffee or a mimosa.  Since it was a holiday, I went with the choice that involved champagne, my wife’s “spirit animal.”  “You’d like a mimosa, but in a juice glass so it won’t spill in bed.”

“You’re a smart man,” she smiled.

I climbed out of bed, fully erect, and went to the kitchen to make her an eye opener.  I had prepared the coffee machine the night before, so all I had to do was flip the switch to get it ready for her inevitable request for coffee.

I returned to the bedroom and rested my head on her breast while she sipped her mimosa and we chatted.  I gently stroked her tummy while she ran her fingers through the hair on my head.  When she finished her drink, she said, “Another.”  It wasn’t commanding, just matter of fact. 

“Yes, my love,” I said as I got back out of bed.  “I’ll be right back with another mimosa and this time I’ll bring you a hot cup of peppermint mocha coffee, too.”

“Oh, yum,” she replied.

I fetched her drinks and hustled back to the bedroom while she reclined on her pillows and enjoyed the soft morning light pouring in through the windows.  I resumed my position snuggled up to her side with my head resting on her breast.  We talked about Christmas plans for about half an hour, and she enjoyed her drinks. 

When she polished off the last of her second mimosa, she put her glass down and pushed me onto my back.  She rolled over top of me and began kissing me passionately.  Before long, she climbed up my body and planted her wet pussy squarely on my face.  When I could see what she was about to do, I gasped audibly and said, “Oh, yes. Thank you, baby!”  I was in heaven as she queened me and ground her pussy against my face while I licker furiously. 

Then she made it even hotter.  “Jerk off for me,” she said.  “That’s it. Jerk off for me, baby.  But no cumming.”

I brought her to three orgasms with my tongue while I came to edge as many times.  But didn’t ask for permission to cum for two reasons.  First, my mouth was full.  Second, I knew she was enjoying the power of instructing me to perform for her.  I believe her teasing made her orgasms stronger.

This was perfectly fine by me.  At this point in our FLR, I can honestly say that I get more pleasure from sharing the experience of her orgasms than I get from having my own.  And I can’t tell you how much I love savoring the taste of her juices and the way the taste changes after she orgasms.

After her third orgasm, she climbed down from my face.  She lay on top of me, putting me between her legs.  She slid down until her pussy just touched my hard penis, but she didn’t let me enter her.  She started sliding her clit against my erection and held my face firmly in her hands as she kissed me.  I got what she was driving at, so I reached between our legs to use my hand to rub the head of my penis against her love button.  I was completely under her control as she had me pinned to the bed and I worked like a human vibrator to bring her to orgasm.

After her climax, she rolled onto her back and spread her legs.  No words were necessary for me to know that it was time for me to give her the “big one.”  I used my fingers to bring her to one more powerful orgasm.  Once her climax ended, I held my finger firmly on her clit and hugged her close to my chest with my other arm.  For more than a minute, she lay back with her eyes closed as a series of aftershocks rolled over her.   

Then she settled into what she calls her state of bliss.  Being with her when she is in her state of bliss is the essence of our FLR to me.  She is so exhausted from her multiple orgasms that she can barely move.  Often, she cannot speak in more than mumbles while she savors the feelings and takes her time recovering.  I, on the other hand, am at the peak of my arousal having been denied permission to cum.  I hold her, kiss her cheek, and tell her how much I love her.  She will lay in my arms peacefully, sometimes for as long as 15 minutes, while my erection throbs against her hip.

I never know what will happen next.  Sometimes she wants to stay in her state of bliss and she will instruct me to masturbate for her; sometimes to completions, sometimes not.  Other times she will take me into her hand stroke me herself; sometimes to completion, sometimes to a ruined orgasm, sometimes to a firm denial.

Maybe it was because it was a holiday, but on Thursday morning she gave me something else to be grateful for.  She took me into her hand and firmly instructed me, “I want you to cum for me now.”  I am grateful for the release, but I am eternally grateful for the loving FLR.

I am absolutely grateful that I have found the love of my life.  But I am thankful at an entirely different level that she wants to live our life together as a loving female-led relationship.

I hope everyone else has something or someone to be so grateful for.

@allabouther so much of what you write mirrors my relationship. I have so many question/comments. I'll read more of your work and see if I can find answers. In the meantime, do you have suggestions for how the woman in an FLR can get past the deep seeded (cultural I believe) duty of always looking to pleasure/satisfy the man without much regard to ourselves? I have made great headway, but do still believe that when faced with empty space, default to that. Appreciate going along with you in your journey...ty.

Posted by: @lovemypet

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"In the meantime, do you have suggestions for how the woman in an FLR can get past the deep seeded (cultural I believe) duty of always looking to pleasure/satisfy the man without much regard to ourselves?"

I know you didn't ask me, but that's never stopped me before.  *wink  All I have to offer is what Mistress K. and I have experienced throughout our marriage.  Both the vanilla beginning and since we became an official WLM.

What you speak of has been the single most difficult thing for Mistress K. to grasp and feel comfortable with.  My Wife, like many other wives in the Dominant role, is a caring, sensitive, loving, giving, warm-hearted person.  She has always been that way and finds great pleasure in helping others if they have a problem, or even just making an already good experience better.  It's how she is wired.  

Intellectually, she fully understands the concept of me getting my main source of pleasure by being in service to her.  In practice, she feels bad when her instincts tell her I'm uncomfortable or that I deserve something (like an orgasm).  It was really hard for her to finally understand that her being selfish when it came to me, gave me a tremendous amount of pleasure.  She felt obligated as a nice person to reciprocate things.  Even small things.  She would subconsciously worry that treating me like her slave husband would cause me to be angry, disappointed, pouty, whatever, and even ultimately might cause me to fall out of love with her when in reality the opposite was true.  For example, and again, early on, in a moment of weakness, she would give in and allow me to orgasm because she felt like I was secretly resenting her for denying me after weeks, even months. She felt it was mean and even though I would beg and plead for an orgasm whenever we had sexy time, because, you know, the heat of passion, I only ever wanted for her to deny my orgasms.  I knew that if I were allowed an orgasm there would be a refractory period when it was very difficult for me to be the kind of attentive and loving slave husband we both want and expect me to be.  Once she began to discover the benefit of denying my orgasms, she no longer felt she was being selfish by denying me.  This ultimately led to me being caged 24/7/365 (mostly).  Permanently being then led to me no longer focusing my sexual desires around my cock.  Now, when I'm feeling randy and horny, the focus of that is now on, first and foremost, her having the orgasms and the type of sex exactly like she wants at any given moment, and secondly, on being penetrated by her cock.  These have now become my sexual desire focus.  If I'm lucky enough and able to orgasm from either of those activities, then it's a wonderful bonus.  

Now, she's somewhat past struggling with those feelings of guilt about being selfish.  She will now literally summon me from another room because her wine glass needs feeling, or she wants a blanket or the TV remote that is just a few feet from her grasp.  In other words, it takes time for things to be rewritten in our brains, but the time and effort are well worth the wait.  She has literally evolved her man!

Posted by: @lovemypet

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In the meantime, do you have suggestions for how the woman in an FLR can get past the deep seeded (cultural I believe) duty of always looking to pleasure/satisfy the man without much regard to ourselves?

If you believe your woman intellectually accepts the idea of your relationship being woman centered rather than male centered, but still has to contend with deep-seated conditioning and inhibitions, my opinion is that the key is consistency in word, and especially action, on your part.  I took it as my job to normalize this new way of being for her.  My wife has said to me several times that it was really smart for me to set the conditions where she could comfortably asset her dominance rather than expect her to change at the snap of a finger.  This allowed her to come to it gradually, in her own time, by developing new habits and letting go of old ones.  It was much more of an evolution than a revolution.

When it is appropriate, I will remind her that we BOTH like her being in control and we are both pursuing a mutual goal.

I think it was also helpful that I avoided confusion by explaining that I wasn’t proposing a mere shift in balance away from my sexual pleasure to hers.  I proposed an entirely different paradigm where the SOLE purpose of sex in our relationship is her pleasure and this extends to the point that she literally owns my orgasms.  

Slowly, we have progressed to the point where I think we are finally confronting the final vestiges of her wanting to show some deference to my pleasure.  We actually had a great conversation about this the other morning when we were being intimate.  She started the topic of conversation by expressly acknowledging that she loves and appreciates the fact that owns my orgasms, but feels that once she has decided to permit me one, I must have a preference for how she allows it. “What do you like most?  Coming inside me?  When I use my hand?” She asked me.  

“I promise I am not trying to be difficult, but my preference truly is what brings you joy in the moment.  If I know you want to feel me coming inside you, or if you want to watch my cum while you use your hand or instruct me to jerk off for you, or you want to feel the ‘wicked pleasure’ of denying me, then that is what makes it ‘best’ for me.”  

She still seemed a little incredulous.  Then it occurred to me that I had objective evidence to offer. “Don’t you agree that my orgasms, when you permit them, are much more powerful than they used to be before we agreed that sex is for your pleasure?” I asked.

”Oh, absolutely. But isn’t that just from build up because they are less frequent?” she replied.

”Not really,” I said.  “It is because my orgasms are now so much more between my ears than in my penis.  And I know you get that.  How else would you explain the fact that you had an orgasm the other day without being touched simply from teasing and denying me.  That was really hot, by the way,” I added.

She asked me to open my sex tracker app so she could look at the data I have been collecting.  We compared the data from the first few months, when our FLR was new, with the data from the last few months.  The emergence of her preferences was abundantly clear.  In the early records, my orgasms were much more frequent and they substantially outnumbered denials.  Back then it was common for me to cum inside her during PIV.  She also occasionally instructed me to “take her” in a dominant fashion.  

As things are now, she prefers to allow me cum inside her about once a month, at most, and it has been more than a year and a half since she wanted me to “take her.”  My number of orgasms has easily been reduced by 50% and they are substantially exceeded by the number of denials.  The ratio of our orgasms had gone from 3 to 1 in my favor, to 3 to 1 in her favor, to the “new normal” of five orgasms for her for each one I have.

So, in a nutshell: patience, consistency, and communication.

I am the man who wrote the blog “From a Dom’s Perspective” that Emma published here a few years ago. 

I have followed your posts on your “accelerating journey.”

I’m wondering, after many years “in the scene” and after being the “bull” for the wives of submissive men, where you think your accelerating journey is headed?

When Emma started this blog she was adamantly monogamous. She eschewed most aspects of BDSM. Her FLR was in the mainstream paradigm of couple life except that kev was caged and she pegged him as well as had sex with him. 

In her early posts he wrote that their sex was frequent. In time she came to own his orgasm and settled on permitting him release only on Sunday. 

As time passed Emma’s sex with kev became less frequent. She started to embrace her dominance more directly. She wrote that, as she pegs him, she says things like: “Other men fuck their wives, i peg you in the ass.”

kev’s Sunday releases are now mostly observed jerk-offs. 

Emma bought a humbler and a stock  

Now kev and Emma rarely have sex. Emma’s lovers are bulls like me. 

When kev and Emma met their first third—a guy from the same apartment complex—Emma was explicit that with the new guy she was submissive and with kev dominant. She was so discombobulated by her evolving dynamics that she ended one blog with the statement that she needed time to digest the contradictions before writing more.

Recently Emma writes that kev is now the comfortable nesting partner, but sex and passion she finds with other lovers. 

When your wife was away on a trip you wore a cage. 

As time goes on do you see on-going caging as a likely part of your future? Do you wish for it?

You write that your wife is not interested in anal play. Do you think this may evolve? Do you think one day you will go out to dinner, and then to your club, adorned with a plug? I suspect you hope for this  

You write that it’s been a year and a half since your wife last asked you to “take her.” Do you think that her taste for her lover to take her, and she to open and surrender, was simply culturally induced, or an atavistic hunger?

As a man who has “taken” women while their husbands were caged, gagged, plugged and kneeling on rice, I highly suspect that your wife’s taste for being taken is not in the past, but on hold. 

I’m wondering if you suspect that, in your future, you will make and serve dinner in bed to “your queen” and a man like me who has just taken and paddled your wife?

I’m wondering if you have read Masoch’s “Venus in Furs?” Masochism is named for this writer. 

The narrator of the novel is Severin, an autobiographical archetype. The object of Severin’s desire is Wanda. Severin induces Wanda to begin and ultimately embrace a FLR. This acronym is modern and of course not in the novel. But in fact Wanda and Severin’s relationship is pure FLR. 

And what happens? Wanda, like Emma from kev, turns away from Sevrine for intimate satisfaction. In the end She ties Seveine to a tree so that she can whip him. Once tied Wanda’s lover, a handsome Greek man, appears in a carriage. Wanda hands her lover the whip. The lover whips Sevrine for his amusement and then, with Wanda close to his side, rides away in the carriage while Sevrine, mortified and screaming in shame is left naked and tied to the tree. Of course, this end is Masoch’s actual fantasy  

The underlying notion of the novel, in fact a recurring theme, is that a man can be hammer or anvil. 

You tell us that are a managing partner in a law firm. At work you are the hammer. At home you are the anvil  

Do you imagine that this separation will continue, or will your wife’s place in your firm continue to grow and in time nearly equal or perhaps eclipse yours?

Can you imagine, as kev now does, that you will be whipped—literally or figuratively—by a man who takes your wife?

@allabouther   This is absolutely outstanding!  The epitome (IMHO) of what a truly loving and successful WLM looks like.  I would love it if I had your permission to use this entire exchange for a blog post I want to do.  This needs to be seen by as many aspiring WLM couples as possible.

@dominusservae   Wow.  So many things to unpack here.  Evolution (see what I did there?) happens, and when it does, it rarely, if ever, looks like what anyone had in mind in their hopes, dreams, and fantasies.  This is precisely the reason Mistress K. (my Wife) has not and does not want to venture into the world of cuckolding.  We've talked about it at some length and in the end, she is aware (me too) that when dealing with something as volatile as non-monogamy, especially cuckolding that includes humiliation/degradation is playing with white-hot fire on the razor's edge of relationship disaster, and as such, does not want to risk ending our marriage, our family.  

As a Dominant Wife in a WLM, she is fully aware that it is her prerogative to fuck anybody she wants, any time she wants, but chooses not to. She knows that promises made before the lust and passion begin are easily broken.  She knows that when people are fucking, and it's good fucking, that feelings develop that are hard to resist.  Regardless of whether or not she would ever act on those feelings doesn't matter.  Having to resist those feelings is an enormous burden.  She'd rather continue to live in her blissful, exciting, kinky, loving beautiful life without having those feelings and the associated burdens that accompany them.  

That's how we do it anyway.  No judgment for others who do it differently.  In fact, more power to them. I love hearing the kinky stories of others playing in sandboxes W/we don't or can't.  I am keenly aware that things could change in a heartbeat and Mistress K. could decide to take on a lover/boyfriend.  I have confidence and faith in her that this won't happen.  I have that confidence based on the path we took when we officially started our WLM journey nearly 13 years ago.  That said, I feel similarly about the confidence that our friend the lawyer probably has in his relationship.  But who knows ... life is a highway.

"You write that your wife is not interested in anal play. Do you think this may evolve? Do you think one day you will go out to dinner, and then to your club, adorned with a plug? I suspect you hope for this."

Love this. I suspect (and hope) that he hopes for this because it has become an amazing destination for us in our marriage. After going from hardly ever caged (then for punishment purposes only), to occasionally caged, to caged more than occasionally to being caged full time, I can tell you from experience that anal penetration has become my primary desire when I'm feeling randy for sex.  Weird huh?  Not so much when you think about it.  I've evolved.  (see what I did there?)

 

@dominusservae   Wow.  So many things to unpack here.  Evolution (see what I did there?) happens, and when it does, it rarely, if ever, looks like what anyone had in mind in their hopes, dreams, and fantasies.  This is precisely the reason Mistress K. (my Wife) has not and does not want to venture into the world of cuckolding.  We've talked about it at some length and in the end, she is aware (me too) that when dealing with something as volatile as non-monogamy, especially cuckolding that includes humiliation/degradation is playing with white-hot fire on the razor's edge of relationship disaster, and as such, does not want to risk ending our marriage, our family.  

As a Dominant Wife in a WLM, she is fully aware that it is her prerogative to fuck anybody she wants, any time she wants, but chooses not to. She knows that promises made before the lust and passion begin are easily broken.  She knows that when people are fucking, and it's good fucking, that feelings develop that are hard to resist.  Regardless of whether or not she would ever act on those feelings doesn't matter.  Having to resist those feelings is an enormous burden.  She'd rather continue to live in her blissful, exciting, kinky, loving beautiful life without having those feelings and the associated burdens that accompany them.  

That's how we do it anyway.  No judgment for others who do it differently.  In fact, more power to them. I love hearing the kinky stories of others playing in sandboxes W/we don't or can't.  I am keenly aware that things could change in a heartbeat and Mistress K. could decide to take on a lover/boyfriend.  I have confidence and faith in her that this won't happen.  I have that confidence based on the path we took when we officially started our WLM journey nearly 13 years ago.  That said, I feel similarly about the confidence that our friend the lawyer probably has in his relationship.  But who knows ... life is a highway.

"You write that your wife is not interested in anal play. Do you think this may evolve? Do you think one day you will go out to dinner, and then to your club, adorned with a plug? I suspect you hope for this."

Love this. I suspect (and hope) that he hopes for this because it has become an amazing destination for us in our marriage. After going from hardly ever caged (then for punishment purposes only), to occasionally caged, to caged more than occasionally to being caged full time, I can tell you from experience that anal penetration has become my primary desire when I'm feeling randy for sex.  Weird huh?  Not so much when you think about it.  I've evolved.  (see what I did there?)

 

@dominusservae I agree with @subhubphx that your post has a ton to unpack.  I hope you enjoyed and got something out of my posts in this "accelerating journey" thread.  When I started the thread, almost two years ago, the journey my wife (then girlfriend) and I were on in our FLR was accelerating.  At this point, it would be better described as hitting its stride.  There were many things, including some you mention in your post, that seemed likely, or at least possible, if the acceleration were to continue.  Some of them, like total sexual domination, were realized.  Others I have pretty much concluded will never occur.  Of course, I, more than most, know to "never say never," but I'll do my best to answer your questions.

Posted by: @dominusservae

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As time goes on do you see on-going caging as a likely part of your future? Do you wish for it?

When my wife went on her trip, I asked her to indulge me and permit me to wear the cage since I see it as a tangible reminder of her dominance over me and her ownership of my orgasms.  Neither she nor I even considered it would be necessary to prevent me from masturbating.  For us, wearing a cage is all about me and my fantasies and not at all about her.  I am sure other men feel very differently, but I feel comforted and connected in my Mature Metal device.  She has no interest in me wearing a chastity device.  In fact, she sees it as counter-productive.  We are very much into orgasm control, but what turns her on is that she has such control over me that I have voluntarily given her ownership of my orgasms.  To her, it would not be nearly as hot or dominating if she simply obtained my compliance by force.  She has complete faith that I will abide by our honor system, and I have never once had an orgasm outside of her presence or without her express permission since I surrendered ownership of them to her.  I am fortunate that she enjoys the power she feels when she makes me cum, especially on her terms, so I never have to wait too long.  I don't think I have ever been denied for more than two weeks.  I have stopped wishing for chastity because it is a selfish desire and would be a form of topping from the bottom.  I mean it when I say that all aspects of sex are for her pleasure.  She is simply not interested in chastity and doesn't believe that the device is not uncomfortable.  So, the subject of chastity never comes up any more.

Posted by: @dominusservae

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You write that your wife is not interested in anal play. Do you think this may evolve? Do you think one day you will go out to dinner, and then to your club, adorned with a plug? I suspect you hope for this

I do wish that she would instruct me to wear a plug for the same reason I would like her to require me to wear a chastity device.  It would be a constant reminder of our FLR and her dominance over me.  But, she firmly believes that the anus is a one-way passage.  As for asserting her dominance over me in public, she has become extremely comfortable telling anyone, in uncertain terms, that while I am in charge at the law firm she is in charge everywhere else.  She always says it with complete sincerity and never in a tone of jest.  For my part, I nod my head enthusiastically.  I do not find this in the least bit humiliating.  I am proud that I have a strong and confident wife.

Posted by: @dominusservae

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You write that it’s been a year and a half since your wife last asked you to “take her.” Do you think that her taste for her lover to take her, and she to open and surrender, was simply culturally induced, or an atavistic hunger?

No, I don't think it was as simple as an atavistic hunger.  She sees me as her strong, chivalrous gentleman.  She loves that I am an alpha male by nature.  I think it was a way for her to enjoy my alpha nature.  I think the only thing that has happened is that she enjoys being in control and being the dominating partner more and truly embraces having me serve her exclusively on her terms. I think she is thoroughly done with that old conditioning. I can see her instructing me to take her again someday, but it will be because she wants to be serviced that way not because she is submitting to me.

 

Posted by: @dominusservae

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As a man who has “taken” women while their husbands were caged, gagged, plugged and kneeling on rice, I highly suspect that your wife’s taste for being taken is not in the past, but on hold. 

I’m wondering if you suspect that, in your future, you will make and serve dinner in bed to “your queen” and a man like me who has just taken and paddled your wife?

As I said before, never say never. But I do not think so.  For my wife, sex is about intimacy and connection.  Even though she is highly orgasmic, she does not even masturbate.  But, just as Emma finally learned, cuckolding inevitably leads to humiliation.  My wife and I both believe that humiliation always turns into resentment sooner or later.  My wife has as little interest in humiliating me as she has in developing an intimate relationship with another man.

Posted by: @dominusservae

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You tell us that are a managing partner in a law firm. At work you are the hammer. At home you are the anvil  

Do you imagine that this separation will continue, or will your wife’s place in your firm continue to grow and in time nearly equal or perhaps eclipse yours?

She has absolutely taken her place as the second most important person at the firm.  She literally holds the title of Vice President and even my partner knows that my wife is second in command.  But, in the end, I think my wife is content and even finds liberation in knowing that I am the final authority at work, just as I find it liberating to submit to her authority in all other aspects of our life together.  We both get to exercise our "alpha" personalities but also get the peace and security of knowing that we can safely "take it down a notch" and turn off the stress that comes from being in charge all the time and put ourselves in the hands of someone we totally trust.  

I don't see either of us as masochists.  I see both of us as alphas with a need to be liberated from the oppression that comes with that role.  It seems we match up perfectly.  I see each of us as the Yin to the other's Yang.

Posted by: @subhubphx

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Posted by: @lovemypet

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"In the meantime, do you have suggestions for how the woman in an FLR can get past the deep seeded (cultural I believe) duty of always looking to pleasure/satisfy the man without much regard to ourselves?"

I know you didn't ask me, but that's never stopped me before.  *wink  All I have to offer is what Mistress K. and I have experienced throughout our marriage.  Both the vanilla beginning and since we became an official WLM.

What you speak of has been the single most difficult thing for Mistress K. to grasp and feel comfortable with.  My Wife, like many other wives in the Dominant role, is a caring, sensitive, loving, giving, warm-hearted person.  She has always been that way and finds great pleasure in helping others if they have a problem, or even just making an already good experience better.  It's how she is wired.  

Intellectually, she fully understands the concept of me getting my main source of pleasure by being in service to her.  In practice, she feels bad when her instincts tell her I'm uncomfortable or that I deserve something (like an orgasm).  It was really hard for her to finally understand that her being selfish when it came to me, gave me a tremendous amount of pleasure.  She felt obligated as a nice person to reciprocate things.  Even small things.  She would subconsciously worry that treating me like her slave husband would cause me to be angry, disappointed, pouty, whatever, and even ultimately might cause me to fall out of love with her when in reality the opposite was true.  For example, and again, early on, in a moment of weakness, she would give in and allow me to orgasm because she felt like I was secretly resenting her for denying me after weeks, even months. She felt it was mean and even though I would beg and plead for an orgasm whenever we had sexy time, because, you know, the heat of passion, I only ever wanted for her to deny my orgasms.  I knew that if I were allowed an orgasm there would be a refractory period when it was very difficult for me to be the kind of attentive and loving slave husband we both want and expect me to be.  Once she began to discover the benefit of denying my orgasms, she no longer felt she was being selfish by denying me.  This ultimately led to me being caged 24/7/365 (mostly).  Permanently being then led to me no longer focusing my sexual desires around my cock.  Now, when I'm feeling randy and horny, the focus of that is now on, first and foremost, her having the orgasms and the type of sex exactly like she wants at any given moment, and secondly, on being penetrated by her cock.  These have now become my sexual desire focus.  If I'm lucky enough and able to orgasm from either of those activities, then it's a wonderful bonus.  

Now, she's somewhat past struggling with those feelings of guilt about being selfish.  She will now literally summon me from another room because her wine glass needs feeling, or she wants a blanket or the TV remote that is just a few feet from her grasp.  In other words, it takes time for things to be rewritten in our brains, but the time and effort are well worth the wait.  She has literally evolved her man!