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My wife and I have never been on the same page completely in terms of sex but I accepted her lower sex drive as part of who she is and we made it work. We had sex twice a week for a while, then it declined to once a week and now it is once or maybe twice per month. When we do have sex, her body language makes it clear that she isn't into it. I know this isn't uncommon but I've never wanted to be the guy in the sexless marriage. I always thought that would be other people who don't care about their wives or treat them poorly. I've found that the lack of sex impacts my self esteem and I it makes me feel humiliated. I seek out porn that reflects my mental state and I've latched on to cuckold, pegging and chastity as a means to identify with my current mental state.
Are these types of porn bad? No, probably not but I feel like my mind is telling me that I'm not good enough. My porn selection is reflecting that narrative. I often question, am I not good enough? Would she be better satisfied sexually by another man? I want her to be sexually satisfied because I love seeing her happy and I remember sex when she turned into an animal and loved every moment of it. I want to see her with that lost energy. Selfishly it also would make me feel more confident to know that my wife wasn't completely missing sexual satisfaction in her marriage. I feel like I've let her down sexually and let her down as a husband. This may seem like it is coming from a dark place, it really isn't but I see this as a downward spiral with no end.
Posted : 31/10/2021 1:24 pm
Hi Jacko. I am sorry to hear about these challenges. Sex is incredibly important and I'll go out on a limb of unpopularity here and say that both partners in the relationship have a responsibility to keep the spark of sexuality alive. I am not saying that either partner is obligated to have sex, I am saying that sexuality is an enormous thing with a huge array of options. Sometimes when our minds are occupied, we need to take time out of our day to make our partner feel special. Some of us are good at this naturally and some of us need to be intentional about setting calendar reminders. One reader sets a calendar reminder to send his wife flowers once a month. His wife knows that he has a calendar reminder setup and that she will receive flowers on the third week of the month. Does that make it any less thoughtful, no.
I am not here to judge you or your wife and say that either of you are wrong. I do see that the situation is causing you a great deal of pain and frustration. It sounds like you are sexualizing or rather, fetishizing the situation and your mind is trying to make soup out of rainwater. I recommend counseling and if you feel like the porn and fetishes that you've latched yourself onto isn't healthy for you, go on a detox. Either limit yourself to no porn or very vanilla porn for a while.
You didn't say but it sounds like you may have a overly-ambitious masturbation habit. Have you considered taking a break for a month or two to see if you unwittingly change the amount (or types) of attention that you give your wife? Thank you for sharing your story with us.
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Dude, where you are is normal for a lot of people. What you are feeling is very normal. I think that's the most important thing for you to know up front: As a man, your feeling of self-worth is going to be heavily impacted by how your wife acts and feels about sex.
As to how to improve your lot in life, that is a much harder question, and it will differ from one couple to the next. It would probably help to find some way to talk with your wife about it, in as loving and caring and supportive a way possible. You're probably going to have to accept some disappointments along the way; try to keep those disappointments on a tight leash, because if you let them loose on her, it's going to do some real damage.
Best wishes.
Posted : 01/11/2021 8:17 am
Yea I agree with True42 as well, your feelings are normal. We have been going through much the same things for a while now, and she couldn’t answer the low libido questions. Doctor visits, counseling, nothing changed.
When i read Emma’s stuff on women sex drive falling after marriage/kids and how chastity could help change that, it literally got my nerve up to finally talk to my wife about it all.
Now, im not saying talking to your wife about chastity is the answer but i am saying talking to your wife about aex in a loving and understanding way is.
Make sure she understands your concerns about her…that you want her happy. Do it in a way she feels cared for and not pressured. Convey this isn’t about getting laid its about a healthy relationship and marriage and her health and happiness.
Get that conversation started first
And like Emma mentioned, probably should lay off the porn and masturbation. You will be surprised how much more affectionate you become towards your wife and that will go a long ways in her eyes.
Posted : 01/11/2021 10:02 am
I'm 3rd in agreement. You wrote out what many of us have thought and ended up feeling. It's pretty shitty... Especially since the categories of porn you find yourself turned on by, are actually the opposite of your dream sex life.
Amongst all the advice on a site like this, the communication is usually at the top of the list. That's easy to "say to do" but isn't easy to do, especially well. My recent helpful experience was a common book "The 5 languages of love."
With surface information I would have sworn that my wife was a "quality time" primary language. NOPE! She likes gifts, LOL. Many of us chastity intrigued guys are probably physical touch as she knew I was. But while she knew, she really didn't have good ideas on how I liked being shown love. Now she does, and it can come down to a well timed grope and we're reciprocating some great feelings with each other. I'll even admit that the cage is in the sock drawer for a while as we're working better due to the connection improvements.
