My journey has been accelerating

I mentioned in a post on another thread today that communication seems to be the word of the week on this forum.  I am wondering if any other man here has ever felt that he was trying so hard to communicate, even undergoing sacrifice, to emphasize the sincerity of what he was trying to communicate, only to find that the message he was trying to convey was falling on deaf ears.  I know I have felt that way myself.  My experience taught me that if I want to communicate effectively, the first thing I must be doing is listening effectively to make sure I am communicating in the right way.

In the fall of 2001, my ex-wife was devastated when her father, who could do no wrong, so far as she was concerned, confessed to her on his death bed that he had been unfaithful to her mother.  I came to learn much later that my ex-wife, who had difficulty with intimacy before, decided that she would never expose herself to such hurt again, and I, the closest person to her in the world, had to be pushed away.  After all, he was only her father.  Imagine how deeply I could hurt her if she allowed herself to be vulnerable to me.  

It is not like she slammed the door and pulled the black out curtains immediately.  She just became more and more distant and gradually she abandoned all her efforts to be a less self-absorbed person.  (Her recognition, before we were married, of her own harmful selfishness and her expressed desire to make a positive change in her life in this regard, were two of the things that made me think we really had potential to develop a relationship of increased intimacy).

Of course, I felt a change in our relationship, but I didn’t know why it was happening.  At first, I thought it was stress and anxiety attributable to 9-11 and her father's death.  I didn’t see that she viewed me as a direct male threat.  She never said such a thing to me, and it took a marriage counselor, years later, to help us understand what had happened.  The counselor’s insight only made me more determined to do whatever I could to assure her that she was loved, respected, and appreciated by me.  Unfortunately, in my ex-wife’s mind, the fact that counselor was able to identify the source of our problem only seemed to validate and justify her reactions.

Before we started counseling, I tried relentlessly to get my ex-wife to open up and share whatever was burdening her with me.  I was not listening to the things she wasn’t saying nor was I paying attention to the non-verbal communication she was directing my way.  I concluded that I simply was not making her understand how much I was committed to her happiness.  I started reading to see how I could make her understand that I would do anything to support her and make her happy.

It was at this time that I first read about female led relationships that operate on the principal of putting the woman first.  Well, this was an idea that seemed to be right on target.  I read about “milder” versions of FLR and about more extreme, or kinky, versions of FLR.  I started bringing her cards and flowers several times a week.  I took over duties around the home.  I got involved with her business to help relieve her stress. I learned how to give her foot messages and pedicures and performed them regularly.   The only behavior I saw increase was her watching more TV and drinking more wine.  I tried to give her complete control over our sex lives.  If anything, we began having sex less and less frequently.

So, it seemed obvious that I was still not effectively communicating my commitment to making her happy.  I knew she was a self-centered person who liked to be in control.  I concluded, entirely on my own and without any verbalization on her part, that the level of FLR I was offering must be too mild.  It was obvious that what this woman needed was an FLR of even higher commitment.  What could possibly show more commitment to her happiness that demonstrating that I was willing to sacrifice all my pleasure for her?  Male chastity!  That was the trick.  That would save our marriage.  And as a bonus, I could delude myself into believing that her total indifference to my sexual pleasure was an actual form of intimacy.

Without discussing it with her, I bought a CB-3000, planned a dinner at the nicest restaurant in town, and presented her with the key on a beautiful gold necklace.  That night she got a rush out of me putting her in unequivocal control of my manhood and sexual pleasure.  We had sex exactly the way she wanted, and I was sure I felt a spark (we went to a movie after dinner and she wanted to leave half way through the movie to go have sex).  I thought, for a brief shining moment, that I had found the key to unlocking the solution to our problem, no put intended.

Well, everyone reading this knows exactly how the rest of the story plays out.  Other than that one blip, all she did was ignore me, ignore the cage, and continue to withhold communication and intimacy.  In fact, irony of all ironies, I had actually given her another weapon to leverage in her efforts to push me away.  If I had been listening and heard all the things that she was not saying to me, and watching all the non-verbal things she was communicating to me, I would have realized that our problem was something she needed to solve for herself.  Of course, I could help her by supporting her.  But, so long as she refused to admit there was a problem or take ownership of it, I was never going to be able to solve her problem by myself, no matter what I did.  Changing who controlled my orgasms had no bearing whatsoever on how her problem could be solved.  And thinking that I could solve her problem for her by putting myself in a cage was nothing more than a disservice to her and myself.

Chastity and semen retention may be a powerful tool to enhance real intimacy that already exists between people who feel safe exposing true vulnerability to one another and who want to take their relationship to another level.  But chastity, in and of itself, is not intimacy.  It can be either a tool of abuse and manipulation, at its worst, or it can be a sign and manifestation of extraordinary intimacy, at its best.  But to be good it must flow from effective communication, not be seen as a replacement for real communication.

I was looking forward to seeing my girlfriend again on Monday night for the first time since making the commitment to her last Thursday that I am going stop masturbating except when I am in her presence and have her permission.  I always look forward to seeing her because I am in love, and I simply feel more complete when we are together.  I have been especially charged over these last couple of months since she has taken our intimacy up several notches by overtly accepting total control over our sex lives.  But, once you add to those things the fact that I have been intentionally retaining for her, my brain had been basically marinating in hormones for 4 ½ days, and I was as horny as a teenaged boy.

I know that 4 ½ days is absolutely nothing to you more experienced hands like @subhubphx, but it has been a long, long time since I have intentionally retained for that long and it was a powerful experience for me.  Of course, that is exactly the point.  I am just reporting that the intended effects were achieved.

After work, we went out to dinner together.  Happy hour was going on in the restaurant and the place was pretty full.  We each got a drink and were sharing some oysters when she asked, “Can we talk about something?”

“Sure,” I said.

“It has to do with the text message exchanges we were having over the weekend,” she said.  We were apart because she was spending the weekend helping one of her daughters get some affairs in order before the daughter left to go out of town on business for six weeks.

Given that there were two tables less than 12 inches from our own and I sensed that she wanted to talk about something related to our accelerating journey, I asked her, “Is it O.K. to talk about it here, or do you want to talk about this when we are home alone?”

She quickly glanced at the couples on either side of us and shrugged to indicate that she didn’t care if they overheard our conversation.  “No.  We can talk here,” she said.  Her self-confidence was very sexy.

“O.K.,” I replied while leaning forward just a bit.

She started, “You were writing that one of the reasons you love me is because of all the things I do for all the other people in my life.”

“Yes.  I remember that,” I said.

“In those messages you referred to me as your ‘Queen.’  Calling me your Queen at the same time you were telling me that I am a giving person felt weird.”

“Oh,” I said.  “I certainly didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.  I thought you like it when I call you my ‘Queen.’  At least, you’ve told me that before.  And when I called you ‘my Queen’ on Thursday morning you said it turned you on.” 

“I did?” she said.

I said, “Yes.  Don't you remember?  When I met you coming from the bathroom, I asked how my ‘beautiful Queen’ was doing.”

She smiled when she remembered and said, “Oh, yeah.”

“So, maybe it’s not so weird when I say in our private space?” I asked.

“Yeah.  That will work.  You can use it when we are making love,” she told me.

“OK, I’ve got it,” I replied.

Once we got home, she had me light the candle in the bedroom.  She told me not to bother putting on a t-shirt before getting into bed.  We got in each other’s embrace, did some hugging and kissing.  Mostly we talked and decompressed from the day.  Eventually she told me to “please her.”  Brought her to a number of orgasms with my tongue and fingers.  After her last climax she was panting like she had run a mile-relay race.  As she lay there in my arms, I told her how beautiful she is when she comes down from her orgasms.  She was as limp as a rag doll.

In between breaths she told me, “I want you to come for me.  You can come any way you want.  You can get inside me, or you can jerk off.  It is up to you.”  I learned from the time that she instructed me to “take her” a couple of weeks ago, that she did not want to make the decision about how I was to come.  It was pretty obvious that she wanted me to do the work and she wanted to be present, but she didn’t want to be bothered with the details.

So, I said, “Thank you for giving me permission.  Since it is up to me, I don’t think I will get inside of you because I think that will clearly shake you from your place of “bliss.”  Same thing if I asked you to scoot over to the side of the bed so that I could stand over you and look at your sexy body.  I think I’d like it most to stay here in your arms while you continue to come down from your orgasm.”  She nodded her head and I began to stroke myself.

Not once the entire night did she touch me in a sexual way.  I mean she did hug me and she absolutely held my head in a vice grip when I was eating her out.  But, when it was time for me to have my release, I did all the work while she lay back.  I know that I have to tell her when I am getting close to cumming and she did start supervising me at that point.  She told me to stop five or six times when I asked for permission to cum.  During one pause, she asked me to describe what it felt like.  When I was finally given permission to cum, I shot so much that she said, “Oh, my God!”  I really felt like a teenage boy then. 

I was given permission to give myself a release this again this morning. She held me and kissed my while I did the job.  Although this time, she did fondle my balls while I jerked off and she gave me permission to cum right away.  I am sure she wanted to get the day started, so she wanted me to cum as quickly as possible.  In fact, she told me, “You have to make me coffee once you cum.”  It was a pleasure.  I had fresh coffee with Bailey’s Irish Cream waiting for her by the time she got out of the shower.

It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.  I learned that the fun way last night.  My girlfriend and I had a wonderful experience where she turned on a dime from wanting to be “taken” to absolutely dominating and a matter of less than a minute.  I want to share because it is fun and it might be interesting to some of you.

The lead-up to the story begins with us meeting at my house in the late afternoon.  We had plans to go to a gun range to do some shooting for a bit and then go out with a group of my friends to hear my son sing at a local nightclub.  She beat me home and was relaxing on the couch when I arrived.  My spidey-sense told me she was enjoying the downtime.  I asked her if she would rather go to the range or take a power nap before we went out for the evening.  She said, “A power nap would be lovely.”

So, we went to the bedroom and got comfy.  We snuggled and kissed.  We got so lost in conversation that neither of us fell asleep.  It was so peaceful to close out the rest of the world and just hold each other in our “safe space.”   There was no sex, but lots of lovemaking.

We had a great time at the nightclub.  Whether it was because she expected it, or simply because we took my car, I was the designated driver for the evening and she let her hair down.  We danced, sang along with the music, and enjoyed good company.  I was kind of in “my element” because I was the center of the group of friends who had gotten together and because it was my son on stage.  I could tell she was buzzed and really enjoying the date.  Her affection was on display.  She made several suggestive comments during the evening.  One time she even stated, matter-of-factly, “We will be making love tonight when we get home.”

She continued to be affectionate and amorous on the way home.  Once were once again in bed holding each other, I wasn’t surprised when she told me, “I know I get what I want. And what I want tonight is for you to have whatever pleasure you choose.”  

She saw the gears turning in my head and said, “No back-talk.  Do you want a blow job, or to be on top, . . ?”

I said, “I’m not going to talk back.  I just have to mentally switch gears.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I kind of summarized my thinking (that I have shared in this thread) that if she wants me to take charge, then that is what I will do.  I told her I feel that I would be going back on my promise to make her pleasure the purpose of our sex life if I were to try to steer her toward doing, or choosing, anything other than the whim she feels at any moment.  “It is just that my focus is so much on pleasuring you that I literally have got to stop and think for a moment about what I personally would like.  That’s all I meant by ‘mentally changing gears.’”

I continued, “So since you ask, I love it when you suck on my dick.  You are really great at it.  I don’t think I've had the pleasure in several months.  That would be wonderful.”

Unlike me, who absolutely loves going down on my GF (I would do it for her morning, noon, and night if she were to ask me), I know she doesn’t particularly enjoy giving me blow jobs.  I mean, I know she enjoys giving me pleasure, but I also know that she doesn’t get the same thrill out of going down on me that I get from eating her out.  I have only been allowed to cum in her mouth once and that was over a year and a half ago.

But, true to her word she got between my legs and started giving me a blow job that felt like heaven.  I know she was thinking about the implications of me taking the reins back as her submissive because after about 30 Seconds she came back up to look me in the eyes and lay down the law.  “Sometimes I feel like you are holding back.  I want you to come whenever it feels good for you.”

I told her, “Well, you are right.  If I am focused on pleasuring you, I will hold back to make sure you cum before I have my release.  But, I hear you loud and clear, my Queen.  If you instruct me to come, then I promise, I will do as I am told.  You can trust me,” I said.  “Remember a couple of weeks ago when you told me to ‘take’ you?  I took charge and didn’t hold on for you to cum.  I just came as soon as my orgasm overtook me.”  I saw her recalling that night of wanton sex.

That is when she changed her mind.  Instead of taking me back in her mouth, she spread her legs over me and put my hard cock inside of her.  She immediately started to fuck me in earnest and said, “You have permission to come when you want.”  But she didn’t say it in the sense that she was going to be my submissive and I should have my way without regard to her pleasure.  The way she said it, I knew she was going to use my body and fuck the hell out of me for her own pleasure and that if I wanted to cum I had better look out for myself.

And that is exactly what she did.  I was the one who felt absolutely “taken” by the way she pinned me down and took charge.  There was nothing slow and sensual about it.  This was raw.  She was going for it with all the gusto she had.  She literally rode me like a cowgirl riding a broncin’ buck waving her arms at her sides and over her head.  She fucked me so hard, I swear my pubic bone is sore today.  

She came once and kept right on going.  A few minutes later I could feel my orgasm building.  She was just going at it harder and harder.  It was the sexiest thing I have ever seen.  I can usually go forever when she is on top, but this time I was fast approaching the point of no return.  I exclaimed, “Oh, God.  Here it comes!  May I cum?”

“Cum, baby, cum,” she said breathlessly.  But she wasn’t focused on bringing me over the edge.  I was simply along for the ride, she was down-shifting and going for another orgasm of her own.  I came deep inside her, but she was not done.  She just kept going harder and harder until she came hard on my cock.

She collapsed on my chest with my now deflating penis still inside of her.  She told me, “I have never let go like that before.  That was incredible.”

She was obviously still turned on.  I reassured her that it was awesome to have her take me like that and watching her fuck me like a wild cowgirl was the sexiest thing I had ever seen.  “I can see you are still ready for more.  I bet I could lick you to another orgasm,” I said.

“We’re going to find out,” she replied, and she rolled onto her back.

So, there is something new!  I have never gone down on a woman whose pussy was full of cum. And I certainly would not expect to be willing to do it after I had had my own release and my hormones were quickly dissipating.   But, to my surprise, instead of being repelled by the idea, I wasn’t able to think about anything other than making her cum again.  I enthusiastically crawled down between her legs to discover an incredible, hot, gaping wetness.  I dove right in and she immediately responded by grabbing my hair and groaning while she shoved my face in her pussy.  I could definitely taste my seed mixed in her pussy juice, and it wasn’t bad at all.

After she came on my face, she told me to come up next to her.  She loves me to hold her in my arms when she comes down from her orgasm.  She asked me if I could get hard and come again.

I told her that it would take more time to recover after such an intense orgasm, but that I thought she still had a big one to give.  She agreed. We both know that giving her a “big one” means I am going to take her up through multiple plateaus before bringing her over the edge.  These are always hard, crashing orgasms for her.  Last night’s was no exception.

After cumming again, she lay limp in my arms feeling the tingling in her body and the aftershock.  Before long she was asleep in my arms.  Bliss for both of us.

This morning we woke up at about 6 o’clock and I brought her coffee to bed.  We talked for about an hour and she allowed me to take off our shirts and hold her breasts while she sipped her coffee and Bailey’s.  It was another peaceful time of love-making without any sex.  

She broke a pause in the conversation to tell me how "totally satisfied" she felt at the moment.  “But,” she said, “It would please me if you would jerk off for me.”  Having committed to following her orders, of course, I complied.

I was doing as I was told while she held me in her arms.  She enjoyed the show.  She said, “I don’t know why I find it so sexy to watch you masturbate for me, but here.  This is for you.”  Watching me jerk off her had made her very wet.  She dipped her fingers into her pussy brought them to my mouth.  The taste and smell were intoxicating.  She alternated having me stop jerking off and having me lick her juices from her fingertips. She finally gave me permission to cum and told me to shoot it over her belly so she could wear it on her skin today.  What a great start to the day.

She thought she was going to let me be the boss and get a blow job, but she ended up releasing a wild side I have never seen before.  She has been thinking about it all day today.  She has sent me multiple texts and one phone call referring to “riding my stallion like a cowgirl.”  God, I love this woman.  Here is a .gif she just sent to my iPhone.  Hope it comes through.

@allabouther 

Interesting read. You two really seem to have a good rhythm. I am hoping my wife and I can successfully add the femdom dynamic and get there. I have never gone down on my wife after coming in her, but I have always had the desire to try. I think about it often, but like you, when the hormones start to recede, I lose interest and wind up dissapointed in myself afterwards. We are going to explore that at some point and I hope that with her encouragemrnt I can get there. Thanks for sharing, cheers!

My girlfriend and I had awesome communication this morning and we weren’t even together.  It was by text:

Me:  I’ve been thinking of you while I do my laundry this morning.  Know what I have been thinking about? 

Her:  I’m afraid to ask

Me:   LOL

Her:  Surfing the web for a picture of a Cowgirl?

Her:  Was I right?

Me:   I didn’t need to, but it is actually related.  You sent me that gif.  It was really exciting to me because sending it meant you had to have been comfortable with the idea that we both liked you taking charge the way you did.  As you know, I am very excited that you are embracing this idea that I think our sex should be for your pleasure.  But you know that gives me great pleasure too. So, I’ve been rerunning our time together thinking about the decisions you made and which ones I liked the best.

Me:   And surprise:  It was not when I got to have you give me a BJ.

Me:   Want to know the winners, so far?

Her:  Winner, winner chicken dinner!

         Bet your dad never thought that saying could be applied to sexual pleasure

         And the winner is……?

Me:   There are lots, but 3 at the top:

Her:  What are the three?

Me:   1. The way you Fed the s out of me like a Cowgirl.

        2.  When you had me make you c with my tongue even though your py was full of my c**.

        3.  When you had me lick your p* juice off your fingers when I was jing off for you.

Me:   You are so in my head, I feel like you are present and it is a little like being in our safe space.    

[Pause] 

Me:   Oh, oh.  Have I made you uncomfortable?

Her:  No just reading

Me:   I have NEVER felt so loved in my whole life.  Thank you.

         You left more than a day ago and I am still higher than a kite.

Her:  Oh sweetheart… what is happening btwn us is amazing. It’s warm, loving, comfortable, exciting, intimate, thrilling, fun and best of all it makes my heart happy. You make my heart happy

Me:   I have one of those smiles that you like on my face right now.  I can feel my eyes sparkling.

Her:  I can see it

Me:   Thank you for accepting my gift.  It has been rewarding for me, but more importantly, I think it has been GREAT for us. 

Her:  Agreed

Me:   You are already a more confident and happy person when we are together.

         And when we are together in our safe space I feel like nobody could get a piece of paper between us.  Physically or mentally.

Her:  Absolutely

Her:  I love that our safe space is transportable ?

Me:   Yeah.  I absolutely feel I am there right now.

Her:  And that it is still there when we are doing our own thing

Me:   Yes.  I feel like this is the next step.  To work on feeling that connection even when we are doing our own things

Her:  I will check in later…I have lots to do today and have a full week so I want to leave tomorrow with a sense of accomplishment. I love you dearly

Me:   You make my heart very happy!  I love you.

@allabouther 

Beautiful!

Just a quick update on the progress of my flr with my girlfriend.  I am heading out in a few minutes to her home for a day or so.  She has a “honey-do” list of things for me to do for her once I arrive.  As I am getting organized, I cannot help but think about the “automatic” nature that the flr has taken on over the last month.  Let me share a few examples.

I want to emphasize one thing.  I am not unhappy or resentful in the least.  The opposite is true.  I am thrilled that she feels comfortable making decisions for me.  I feel good about myself that she knows she can rely on me to give her what she wishes, and she doesn’t have to waste time going through the polite game of suggesting, hoping I pick up on the hint, asking nicely, and then getting what she desires. 

The first thing that is clear is that our mutual comfort with having her make decisions for us has expanded beyond the bedroom to other aspects of our personal relationship.  For example, let’s talk about the invitation to come out to her house this weekend.  A year or two ago, she would have had a sales pitch:  We’d have a romantic time together, she’d make me wonderful meals, etc.  This weekend?  Not so much.  It is clear that I am coming out to do chores for her around her house that require someone taller than she is, like fixing a downspout.  She is not short, herself.  She is almost six feet tall.  But I am well over six and a half feet tall, so my size does come in handy sometimes. 

Completely unstated was any reference to romance or spending time together.  I am quite sure we will “make love,” with or without us having sex (but God, do I hope she will want to have sex!).  I can’t imagine that she does not want intimate time.  My point is, that I think she knows I am ready to provide that any time she wants it and she didn’t feel a need to offer it as an inducement to come to visit. 

My point here may be subtle.  I am not in any way suggesting that she may be pulling away and looking to use me for manual labor.  I think the expectation of intimacy (not to be confused with sex) is just assumed, or automatic now.  And she doesn’t feel like she must go out of her way to suggest it.  By the same token, because we are both so comfortable openly relying on each other, she just put it out there that she needs help on things that are right up my alley.  I don’t feel bossed around or subservient in the least.  We both simply recognize that I have something to give that she wants.  She knows I want to please her, so she told me what she wants me to do to please her.  Winning!

The second example is very similar.  Not too long ago, she would have gone out of her way to prepare a gourmet dinner for us to share during my visit.  This weekend?  I was told to prepare my mother’s marinated flank steak recipe and bring it out to her house for us put on the grill for dinner.  I love the fact that she likes my cooking and enjoys this special family recipe.  But, rather than her serving me, I had to literally start days ahead to have this ready for her.  There was no hint of “guilt” on her part.  Just an expression of her desire and an automatic recognition that it will bring me pleasure to do it for her.

The last example shows her comfort in enforcing our new boundaries without guilt.

Because it is now normal for us that sex only occurs if, when, and how she decides, and because I have made to decision to give her control of all of my orgasms, whether we are together or apart, I will have been allowed only one orgasm in the last seven days by the time I get to her place today.  I know you folks who are into strict denial and enforced chastity are rolling your eyes.  But for me, I would say that “normal” for me was seven or eight orgasms a week.  So, a reduction to one is a big change in frequency.

As readers of this thread know, I wanted to give control of all my orgasms to my girlfriend for several reasons.  And I will post about what I am learning some other time.  But, you will recall that I shared on this forum that I was worried that I would start pestering her for sex once I started seriously retaining. 

I am aware that in some flrs the man is free to ask for sex.  And, the woman is free to say, “No,” of course.  But some women rather like hearing the request because if gives them insight into their man’s state of mind.  It doesn’t amount to pestering for them because it is only a question and she is free to simply say, “No.”

This line is something we are exploring now.  My GF has offered to allow me to ask for sex or permission to have a release, but I feel that she knows I lust for her constantly, and if it would bring her pleasure, she can do anything from nothing, to bringing up the subject in a teasing way, to initiating sex.  I feel that it is topping from the bottom for me to suggest that she allow my desire to interfere with her present state of mind. 

Of course, it is all a matter of finding our mutual comfort level.  Who knows where we will land?  We’ll see how this goes.   But for the time being, our understanding is that I WILL NOT ask.  She will initiate if, and when, she chooses to.

We were together through three nights this last week.  On Thursday morning, I knew that if we did not have sex, or if I was not allowed a release, there would not be another chance until Saturday night or Sunday morning.  I am going to be totally honest with my thoughts and intentions as we woke up that morning.  Her alarm went off at six o’clock.  My desires, in order, were to 1) spend intimate time snuggling, and 2) have sex or at least get permission to make myself cum.  But, of course, I have said I would not pester.

After turning off her alarm, she “automatically” moved into the spoon position in front of me.  So far, so good!  There is no question that she could feel my hard penis against her back.   We hugged and talked for about 30 minutes, and she said, “I’ve got to get going,” and climbed out of bed.

I whined, “Oh, please no!  Just one more minute.”

She climbed back in bed facing me.  She put her leg over on my hip and kissed me.  I said, “I’m not going to be able to do this again until Saturday night or Sunday morning.” 

So, this is what I mean by being a pest.  It was plausible that I was only asking for a little more intimacy.  But, what I really said was, “I am really horny!  I know you want to get your day started, but won’t you delay your plans for just a few minutes and give me permission to jerk off for you?”

Of course, she is no dummy, and she knew exactly what I was saying.  So, what was her response?  “It’s only two days.  You’ll live.”  Then she rolled over and got back out of bed.

There are many times when we don’t have sex or I am allowed no release because she simply doesn’t initiate any sexual activity.  But, this time we both know I pretty transparently initiated, and she had no problem denying me.  And she did it pretty bluntly, at that.

And I got a real charge out of it.  I have been thinking about it a lot, not least because I am perpetually horny and I have only had one orgasm in the last seven days.  The charge I got was not from being subject to her arbitrary “domination,” or being subjugated to her power.  The charge I got was from the automatic nature of her response that telling me I would have to wait was known by her to be fine with me because she knows I really do want her pleasure to come first and that she felt comfortable telling me she wasn’t interested in my horniness.  My pleasure was not sexual pleasure from being “oppressed.”  It was compersion at seeing her comfort at assertively enforcing the rules that we have mutually agreed upon, even if I was being a pest.

I feel like the better she gets at this, the easier will be for me to do my part and be a better man for her.

I have just returned after spending a wonderful 24 hours with my girlfriend.  There is one thing to report about the “normalization” of our flr and one other report for those who may have a prurient interest in the way she has taken control of our sex lives.

By normalization, I don’t mean that we are drifting back to a traditional, vanilla relationship.  I mean that it is totally accepted by both of us as the new "normal" that my girlfriend makes 100% of the decisions in the bedroom and is steadily increasing the percentage of the decisions she makes for us in our relationship outside the bedroom.

Yesterday she had me doing repairs around her house for her.  She helped me by holding the ladder and handing me tools as I worked on her projects.  We had to go out to get some parts.  We held hands almost the entire time we were in public and we snuck opportunities to kiss when we were in places where we would not make other people uncomfortable with our PDA.  We did get caught once when a man turned into our aisle at the Home Depot.  He found us in a very “G-rated” embrace and kiss and gave us a round of applause, smiled from ear to ear, and said "Good for you!"

We finished her projects and made dinner together.  Afterward, we retired to her bedroom and were snuggling in our safe space in no time.  I didn’t pester and she didn’t initiate sex.  She fell asleep with her head on my shoulder.

This morning she woke me up by bringing me coffee in bed.  We returned to holding each other in our safe space and talked about how much peace we each find when we create this comfortable place for each other.  I told her I had brought my Caitlyn V cards, and she said, “Oh, good!  Let’s play some.”  I am telling you, these cards are great for creating intimacy if you are willing to be vulnerable enough to answer them truthfully. 

All the cards we pulled spurred great conversations.  She drew a card that asked, “Tell me about a time you thought you were in love but you weren’t.”  This gave her a chance to tell me a story I had never heard about a boyfriend who asked her to marry him when she was in college.

I drew a card that asked, “When it comes to decisions, how do we act as a team?  How could we do better?”  This card was a perfect setup for a powerful conversation.  I answered that I felt that our decisions fell into three separate categories.  At work, if it is a decision for me, she lays out my options as she sees them and gives me her advice.  If it relates to her bailiwick, she knows she has complete authority to run her department without having to clear things through me, and she knows I have her back.  In the bedroom, we both fully accept that the decisions are 100% hers.  My part on the team is to provide the pleasure she says she wants.  I finished by saying that in the remainder of our personal life, I felt like she was becoming more and more comfortable with taking the reins. 

This allowed us to have very valuable conversation.  There have been times when we have faced a decision and she has asked me what I wanted to do.  She can be annoyed when I say, “Whatever you want is fine by me.”  She told me that she knows that I have strong opinions when I am operating in those spheres where I am in control and she just doesn’t believe it when I say I don’t care.

I reminded her that there are times when I do make it clear that I don't want to do something or go somewhere.  "Like when I don't want to give good money to a company that does not support the values that are important to me.  She nodded and said, “Well, that is true.  You do make that clear.  But, most of the time I don't even consider those places because I already know how you feel."

"Yeah.  So, I do feel I have all the input I need when it matters," I replied.

"But, beyond that, it is not the case that I don’t care.”  I said, “It is just that I care most to defer to your pleasure.  Here is what I mean.  Let’s say you ask me what movie I want to watch.  I might feel that watching a comedy would put me at 6 out of 10 on the 'happiness index.'  Watching an action movie might put me at a 7 out of 10 on the same index.  But agreeing to watch “The House of Gucci” takes me to an 8 out of 10 because it pleases me that I can make it so that you get to watch the movie that you want to watch."

This led us to a wonderful conversation about compersion.  She had never heard the word.  She asked me what it meant.  We looked it up on the Internet so she could read the definition for herself and we talked about the concept.  She recognized it immediately as the overwhelming feeling of personal pleasure she has had quite a few times in her own life, like when her daughters were being recognized for some extraordinary personal achievement.  I told her that I felt foolish for never bringing it up before.  But, told her it explains why I am so happy for her to control the decisions in our personal life.

We have talked about how it brings me satisfaction for her have all the chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and why it is not selfish for her to take them.  As we progressed in our journey, I explained that her willingness to take the control I was offering was a liberation to me, not a loss.  I told her that understanding the feelings of compersion that I feel when she is happy is really the best way to understand my motivation and realize that it really isn’t kinky at all.

I told her I don’t have any desire for her to be mean to me, dominate me, or humiliate me.  I simply want the intense feeling of compersion that I get when she is getting the utmost satisfaction.  “We both know I am an ‘alpha male,’ and I have no interest in being treated like a doormat.  It is about your pleasure, not about my pain.”

We even talked about the compersion that the "Daddy" feels when his little girl takes charge of painting his nails.

It was another “Aha” moment for my GF.  She said, “You know, last week I said you were a unicorn.  I think that might have been overstating it.  You are a rare man.  That is for sure.  But, I bet there are many men who are capable of true compersion if they are really in love.  I have just never known one.  Until you, it never occurred to me that they existed.”  What she said, made me feel great.

I can’t share the entire conversation.  We spent 4 hours “making love” this morning (with only about 20 minutes involving sex).  But we had some wonderful intimate time together today.

So, that leads me to the prurient part.  By this morning, it had been five days since I had been permitted an orgasm.  I am pretty sure that is the longest I have ever gone without one since I was eleven years old.  Of course, I was really hoping I would get to serve her sexually this morning and that she would give me permission for a release.  But, I was determined to leave it up to her to initiate anything.

As our conversation wound down, she broke a kiss and told me, “I need you to touch me and make me cum.”  When I put my fingers between her legs I found her to at a new record for wetness.  I couldn’t help but bring my fingers to my face so that I could taste and smell her.  It was divine and I told her so.  She smiled and told me I’d be able to get more if I used more fingers.  So, I did.  I even brought my fingers up to her mouth and she licked them clean.  That was hot.

I gave her two orgasms with my right hand while I kissed her.  The first one came quickly and just got her engine warmed up.  The second one was very powerful.  I held her close as she was coming down and said to her, “The third one is always the biggest.  We’ll have the really big one together when you are ready.”

“I’m ready!” she said.

“Alright,” I told her, “Just to warn you.  I am going to take you to edge five times before you cum on the sixth peak.”

Her eyes got wide and she said, “Oh, no!  I make the decisions.  You make me cum on the third peak.”

I said, “Well, you have to be fair.  You told me you want a really big one.  I have to be free to do my job the way I feel it needs to be done.”

“O.K., we’ll compromise,” she replied.  “You make me cum on the fourth peak.”

“Nope, sixth,” I said.

“We’ll discuss this later!” she said sternly.  Then she closed her eyes and put her head back.

“That’s fine,” I said.  “You can tell me later if I am to do what you say, or give you what you want.”

Her orgasm was like an earthquake and it left her totally exhausted.  I asked her, “So, did I do the right thing?”

“I’m not talking to you!” she said, panting for air.

Once she had recovered her breath, she was laying with my left arm around her and her head back on her pillow.  “I want you to cum now,” she told me.  “Give me a shower.”

I asked her, “Have you had all the orgasms you would like?”

She said, “Yes.  You are to cum now.”

“How would you like for me to cum?” I asked.  “Do you want me to be holding you, or do you want me to stand over you?  Or, is there some other way that would turn you on more?”

She told me, “I really like it when you hold me.  You can give me a shower that way.”

I stroked myself for her while she smiled and ran her hands through the hair on my chest.  When I was at the edge I asked, “Can I have permission to cum for you?”

She said, “Yes.  You have permission.”

When I came, it felt like a firehose going off.  I came all over her belly and left breast and even shot some over her shoulder.  She smiled and played with my cum with her fingers while I came down from my orgasm.

I am already daydreaming of the next time we will be together.

On the 10^th of March, I told my girlfriend that I wanted her to have control of all of my orgasms, not just those that occur when we are together.  I saw the decision as a logical and necessary extension of our growing flr in the bedroom and the increased intimacy resulting from the exchange of trust that we have been undergoing.

Her initial reaction was to say “no” to accepting control of all my orgasms, but we agreed that we would try it out for three weeks and talk about it in April.  Sunday is April 3 and my GF is coming to stay with me for a couple of days.  I am looking forward to our talk.

We have had some wonderful conversations, and even text message exchanges, over the past three weeks on the days when we have not had an opportunity to get into our intimate “safe space.”  She has not broached the subject of my decision to retain.  She did say that she might reach out to me to instruct me to jerk off for her, but it hasn’t happened.  And I haven’t brought up the topic because I don’t want to do anything that could be perceived as pestering. 

As I anticipate our conversation, I suspect that we will talk about the dramatic reduction in the number of orgasms I have had in the last three weeks and what, if anything, we may do to adjust the number.  It may be that she tells me that she has really enjoyed knowing that I do not cum except when I am in her presence.  Because she is so generous, I think it is more likely that we will discuss the possibility that I might be allowed an occasional orgasm when we are part.  If we are going to consider a higher frequency for me, will we agree that I am allowed to ask for permission?  Or, will we decide that it will be her sole prerogative to bring the matter up?

I think the conversation will lead to a topic, or aspect of our growing intimacy, that we have not discussed before that will make us dig deeper into the interrelationship of the pleasures we are respectively getting from our new flr over our sex lives.  The fundamentals are well established.  We both fully understand that she finds it fulfilling to be in charge of our sex lives and we have worked hard for her to be able to take that leadership role without any feelings of guilt.  A major reason for this comfort on her part is the second fundamental.  She understands that the empathetic joy I feel from the pleasure she receives from accepting the sexual control I offer is very fulfilling to me.

But what will the considerations be if we do consider the possibility of me having an occasional orgasm when I am not in her presence?  I am wondering whether she would say that she would get more pleasure out of (i) knowing that I am thinking of her and wanting a sexual release or (ii) knowing that she doesn’t have to think about me getting a release unless it naturally comes to her mind on its own.  I think it goes without saying that just because one of us brings the matter up doesn’t mean that she would necessarily have to grant me permission to have a release.  I am going to have to listen to her carefully when we talk to make sure I understand her sincere feelings.  I am going to have to do my best to make sure she understands mine as well.  It is pretty complicated.

This relationship is special and fulfilling for both of us because it is not only consensual, it is desired by both of us, and we have developed such trust in each other that we can engage in an exchange that is mutually empowering.  It is not in any way diminishing to either of us.  On the one hand, I am an alpha male, but I thrive on being liberated from having to be in charge of sex.  She is very loving and caring but, so long as she is not exploiting me, she is deeply satisfied by being in control of something of such great importance as our sexual relationship.

If she were exploiting me, what I am giving up would not be a gift.  It would be a kind of theft, and I would not feel liberated.  I would feel oppressed.  If she were exploiting me, she would not feel joy and satisfaction in leading.  She would feel that she was oppressing me.   That is the way our wiring works.  We seem to be very evenly matched.

She made an interesting observation the other day.  She told me that if I asked her to spank me, she would do it to please me and so long as she thought I was requesting it as a kind of playful pushing of limits.  She would not do it if she thought I actually wanted her to hurt me or if she felt I was motivated by thoughts that I am actually inferior to her or deserve to have her impose abuse upon me. 

I wondered in a previous post, after the first time that my GF told me that she was going to supervise my masturbation and that I was to strictly follow her directions, how far she might want to go in taking control over me.  Might she be into orgasm denial, chastity, or even cuckolding?  I think I now know how to answer that question.  I think she would be willing to consider anything that would increase our intimacy that is loving, consensual, supportive of a healthy, positive relationship, and not harmful to either of us.  I don’t think she would consider anything for even a second if it didn’t meet those requirements.

So, how will this conversation tonight be different?  We have only just started talking about how the recent increase in our intimacy causes us to be on each other minds much more often than before.  And, in particular, we haven’t talked about the effect retaining has on me when we are apart.  It is having an effect on me.

About a year ago, I started consciously refraining from masturbating for the two or three days before I knew we were going to be together.  I wasn’t trying to heighten my focus on her so much as I trying to be sure that I would be at full potential for whatever she might desire as far as sex is concerned.  I made up for the wanks missed on the days when an opportunity to be together was not imminent.  On average, I was having 6 to 8 orgasms in an average week.  Since turning control of all my orgasms over to my girlfriend, the frequency has dropped to 1 to 2 orgasms per week.

While I have always felt that my devotion to her is always at the forefront, even if I have had a recent release, I do have to say that my focus is very different now.  I want her virtually all the time.  She is rarely far from my thoughts, and I am sexually charged almost continuously.  I love the feeling.  In my mind, I dwell on how much I love her and how I long to be with her.  The frequency of my orgasms has not dropped so low that I feel like I am acting needy or that I am pushing her for sex.

On the other hand, I do feel like there is a bit of an imbalance.  It would increase my satisfaction with retaining if I knew she was thinking of my predicament and would say something to recognize the control she has taken over from me.  In fact, I don’t find myself wishing that she would call me and instruct me to jerk off for her.  I really am enjoying the sexual charge that I have as a result of cumming only once or twice a week.  But, I do find myself wishing that she would call me every day or two to let me know she is thinking of being intimate with me, but tell me, “No cumming today.  You are to hold it until we are together.”  If I’m not going to have an orgasm, a little mind-fuck would certainly be welcome.

I’ll report back on how the conversation goes.

“…I really am enjoying the sexual charge that I have as a result of cumming only once or twice a week.  But, I do find myself wishing that she would call me every day or two to let me know she is thinking of being intimate with me, but tell me, “No cumming today.  You are to hold it until we are together.”  If I’m not going to have an orgasm, a little mind-fuck would certainly be welcome.”

This is exactly where I am with my wife. Like your girlfriend, she is generous and she enjoys giving me the pleasure of an orgasm. When it comes to me jerking off, I wouldn’t say that she encourages it, but she likes the idea of me thinking about her and losing the self-control that stops me from masturbating. (I am an honour system guy too… no device). Right now, I am encouraging her to be more “possessive” of my orgasms.

Recently, it was my birthday and she made a point of scheduling time for us to be alone in the house so I could have a blowjob. Of course, I had great anticipation for this. I was so surprised when she stopped short of my orgasm and zipped me back up. Later that day, we started making out in the kitchen and she undid my pants and began jacking me off. Again, she stopped short! I felt a strange combination of frustration and of being proud of her for taking the lead. I never ended up cumming on my birthday but I did get the gift of simmering arousal that goes along with the “mind fuck.”

Enjoy your journey. Thanks for your detailed account and for using your lawyerly skills to be so articulate!

Posted by: @midlife_marty

(I am an honour system guy too… no device). Right now, I am encouraging her to be more “possessive” of my orgasms.

How has the honor system worked for you?  I feel like I will be able to keep my word if I don’t have to retain more than a week or so.  But, I wonder how long I would be able to go without the help of a device.

Here’s one way I see we might get there.  Once I share how pleasurable it has been to feel that constant sexual charge from retaining and how it heightens the longer I go after an orgasm, I can see her playfully introducing denial, just like your wife did, even for a few days or another week.  She would be denying me for the reason of enhancing my pleasure and would be willing to do it because she enjoys giving me pleasure so much.  I am kind of afraid that she will make the connection that this is exactly the same strategy I use to give her those mind-blowing “third” orgasms she loves.

You and I would say I am edging her.  But technically when I stop, it is a denial.  It just doesn’t last for more than 30 seconds or a minute.  My girlfriend as already started employing short denials (edging) with me to enhance our pleasure.

I don’t think my GF would ever feel comfortable denying me to be deliberately cruel.  But, I am sure she would consider it if she knew it would enhance my pleasure. 

If she decided she wanted me to go a second week, of course, I would do my best to comply.  But, it is called the honor system for a reason.  And if I found it more difficult to retain for a longer period of time, I would feel honor bound to tell her.  And I would then be honor bound to tell her that a chastity device could help.

Have you ever discussed using a device?

BTW, asks for your kind comments and your excellent response.

The honour system has gone well for me, mostly because I feel the benefits of retaining. I actually found this site because I thought that I had “discovered” the amazing power of male chastity. I decided to “save myself” before a vacation that we took one year without the kids and I was amazed by how my desire and focus on her had skyrocketed. Coming to this site, I discovered it was a whole movement.

So, my wife didn’t introduce this but she likes the way I am when I am retaining. She can’t empathize with the power of denial (as she can have as many orgasms as she likes without experiencing any loss of interest in sex or me.) But she can understand how denial makes me feel and that it’s something I want, strange as it may be. After she denies me, I sometimes have a wet dream. She loves this because it’s proof that she’s in my head.

Now, from time to time, I break my honour, usually when attempting to just edge myself. When I don’t confess to getting myself off, she can almost always tell anyway, noticing small changes in my level of affection. So, I just confess. We haven’t established that my masturbation is forbidden. However, she teases me about it, making me feel like a horny teenager caught in the act. I think I am like you, being an in-control person in most parts of my life. Losing control because of desire for her is the exception, so she delights in it.

We have discussed using a device. Frankly, I think she finds the look of them to be too kinky. She also thinks I “don’t need that,” which I accept as a challenge to keep my honour. I also read so many blogs about chafing, pinching and other discomforts from chastity devices, I don’t think it’s for me.

I am not really sure what my longest duration without climax has been. I think about 21 days. If she doesn’t decide to get me off, it’s probably a nocturnal emission that does it.

The acceleration of our journey is continuing.  In fact, my girlfriend down-shifted yesterday for more power in our drive forward, and I could not be happier.  Read on if you are interested in reading about what she told me yesterday about her desire to push the boundaries of our female-led relationship. 

My girlfriend spent most of the day yesterday with her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend.  The daughter was home for the weekend during a brief break in the six-week, out-of-town training she has been undergoing for a new job.  I was shooting at my gun club when my girlfriend sent me a text that she was on her way to my house.  She beat me there.  She had already changed into comfy clothes and was reading in bed when I arrived.  I brought her a glass of champagne and joined her in bed with a glass of red wine for myself. 

We caught each other up on what we had done over the weekend, and she told me about all the exciting things her daughter is doing at her new job.  It was about six o’clock when we finished catching up.  We hadn’t had dinner yet, but we were already in our comfort zone and had closed out the rest of the world.  We both wanted to continue our intimate time together. I suggested we play a few Caitlyn V cards and she immediately agreed.  You guys know we love these cards because they prompt such great intimate conversations.

I got one that naturally led us to the conversation we agreed to have this weekend.  About 3 weeks ago, we agreed to spend some time living with my decision to give my girlfriend control of all my orgasms, not just those that I have when we are together.  We agreed to check in with each other after April 1 on how things were going and our feelings about the change.

I reported that my decision to retain for her had cut the frequency of my orgasms from 6 to 8 per week down to 1 to 2.  I told her how I was loving the increased mental focus I was having on her and the delicious sexual charge that I was now feeling almost continuously.  I told her that I missed masturbating as a way of relieving stress from my workday, but that the benefits outweighed the costs.

She reported that she loved the fact that I had “voluntarily surrendered control” of all my orgasms to her because she knows what a high sex drive I have.  She told me she felt really validated in her new role as our leader in the bedroom by my commitment.  She told me I had been very well behaved and that she never felt that I acted in a needy way or pestered her.  She did, however, say that she was worried about me not having a quick and easy way to dissipate the high stress that is a natural part of my life.

We talked about how, just a few months ago, our most intimate times were when we were having sex.  We agreed that the intimacy we now feel when we are “making love,” even though we are not having sex, far surpasses the level of intimacy we used to find while having sex.  I told her that I felt we were developing an even higher level of intimacy that was occurring even when we were away from each other and that her possession of my right to orgasm greatly enhanced that feeling of intimacy for me.

I asked if I could share an idea.  I told her that it isn’t the sex or the orgasms that I find so satisfying, as much as it is that she has willingly taken control of those things from me, that she recognizes the significance of the gift, and that she validates my desire for her to exercise control.  She told me she understood.

I told her, “It may sound crazy, but I would feel far more connected and sexually satisfied by having you call me, or text me, every day or two and tell me, ‘I know you are horny, but no cumming today.  I want you to hold it until we are together again,’ than I would feel if you gave me permission to masturbate whenever we are not together.”  I went on, “That is because the recognition by you of the control that you hold, and your validation of my desire would enhance the intimacy between us even if we were not together.”

She smiled and said, “I can do that.  I’d be happy to do that.”

Then I said, “But I am a lawyer, and I am always trying to see the other side.  That idea really focuses on what would satisfy me.  It occurs to me, since I know how you genuinely get off on being in control, that you might get pleasure from hearing me confess to you that I want you so much that I am ready to burst and that I long to make myself cum for you.  You might really enjoy having the power to make the call, as you along may decide. to give me permission or tell me ‘no’ when I call and tell you I am fantasizing about you.  Would you like to have me call you to share my state of mind when it is like that?  Would like to hold that power?”

She gave me a dirty, almost evil, grin and said, “What do you think?”

I smiled back. 

And she said, “Why can’t we do both?  Frankly, I would like both.”

I told her that I would be happy to call and ask if it would give her pleasure.  “I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it won’t be satisfying for me if you just say ‘yes’ and give me permission.  Because then I will feel like I am just being a pest.  If I feel the urge and call you to ask for permission and you give it to me automatically every time, it will be no different than if I just make my own decision to masturbate except that I will have imposed on you to be a part of it.  The outcome is the same.  You are just forced to be a part of it.  I think it is important that you know that I will find it more satisfying if you actually exercise the power to say ‘no.’  And I don’t think you will get any sexual charge out of being in control if your answer is automatic or assumed.”

She smiled again and said, “Oh, I agree.  You can be sure I will say ‘no,’ sometimes.  So, let’s do this.  Let's do it for the next month and then talk about our feelings once May rolls around.”

“Agreed,” I said.  She laid down a few rules.  I am not to ask when we are at work.  Nor am I to ask too late at night after she is falling asleep.  All her rules are very fair.

We kissed for a while and she asked me, “Have you ever wanted to tie someone up, or thought about being tied up yourself?”  I kid you not.  She actually brought up bondage.

I replied, “Well, it’s like when you brought up spanking last weekend.  I really don’t think you would enjoy putting out cigarettes on my skin, and I would not be into that at all either.  But, if it gave you pleasure to explore what it is like to be in total control, I would definitely feel extreme empathetic joy in doing that for you.”

She smiled again and said, “Good.  I have some ideas.”  Oh, my.  Where will this journey take us next month?

Then she told me, “I want you to cum for me.”

I replied, “you don’t want me to pleasure you?  I have been thinking of eating you out continuously for almost a week.”

She smiled and said, “No, I want to have dinner and get back to bed.”

“So, wouldn't you rather I wait until after we eat?” I asked.

“Actually, I would prefer that,” she said.

“Well, then we know what we have to do,” I told her.

We cooked lamb on the grill and shared the rest of my bottle of red wine.  We chatted with my son, the opera singer, and his girlfriend.  We made a little dessert and took it back to our bedroom together.

After sharing dessert and snuggling, my girlfriend instructed me to lick her pussy.  I ate her through two orgasms.  I lay with my head on her belly as she came down and she said, “Get inside of me.  But you are not to come.”  I entered her in the missionary position and slowly made love to her until she came quietly.  She lay back and I went back down between her legs and brought her to two more orgasms with my mouth and tongue.  Then she called me up to hold her in my arms.  We snuggled and she reveled in her “state of bliss.”

A few minutes later, after her breathing had returned to normal, she told me, “I want you to come for me, but I don’t want to have to move a single muscle.” 

“You just relax and enjoy.  I’ll do all the work,” I told her.

The first few times I asked for permission to come, she declined and told me to stop.  She told me to start again each time.  Finally, with a trembling voice, I asked, "May I please have permission to cum for you?”

And she said, “Yes.  You may cum for me.”

Weekend recap:  She told me she is going to happily deny me sometimes, and she wants to try out bondage.

Onward and upward!  I feel that I am living out my fantasy.