This is a story about TanjaNest, a reader that recently joined the site. Like so many of us, Covid-19 forced some changes on her family. A huge thanks to Tanja for sharing her story. This is all very new to her so feel free to reach out with any praise, questions or support for her. We had a phone conversation which I recorded and paraphrased in the blog below.
Welcome to the site and thank you for talking to me today. Tell me a little bit about you and what is going on.
Hello Emma. Thank you. My husband and I have been married for nearly sixteen years, we got married after I became pregnant with our daughter who is now 17 years old. We live in the US in Colorado and I think we are a mostly normal family. Back in March when the pandemic struck, my husband lost his job with a resort hotel. I previously was a teacher but my credential did not apply in the US so I opened a franchise tutoring business. Since the pandemic struck, I’ve barely been able to keep up with demand.
I notice a slight accent, where are you originally from?
Originally from Sweden but my family moved to the US in 2001 so one would think the accent would be gone. When I speak to my family, it becomes more noticeable.
Tell me about the changes that you noticed when your husband transitioned to the household.
Yes. My husband got laid off and he had a stressful job with a resort. It began as a two week furlough and eventually it became clear that he would not be returning. While it was furlough, it seemed like a vacation but became more real once they told him the job was no longer waiting for him. We had a great partnership but his job loss made him feel depressed. For the first several weeks, he would sit at home and watch tv the whole day.
It is true, my job was doing very well because so many kids were struggling with distance learning. We have three campuses with a fourth planned for early 2020 so I am keeping very busy but we are needing to grow so fast that I am not bringing more money home. Due to this we needed to evaluate our finances.
We had a gardener, a cleaning lady and frequently order take-out meals. We knew that despite my husband’s state unemployment checks we were still bringing home much less money and those would need to be cut drastically. We agreed that my husband would pick up the slack on those things while he was without work.
Over the course of the next week, things did not change much. My husband was sitting at home and becoming something of a lazy bum.
Lazy Bum husband? Ouch! That’s never good.
No not at all! Especially when I work so hard all day and come home to him in the same place as when I left in the morning. So many people worldwide are dealing with depression and anxiety right now. I am certain that he was depressed at not feeling like he was giving the same contribution to our family.
We talked and he confessed to feeling depressed about the change in our lifestyle. We talked for what seemed like hours and came to terms with life simply being different. Not better, not worse, just different. We came away from the conversation with a promise that I would help motivate him and keep his mind and body active,
I told him that I did not like to see him in this way so I would make a calendar for him to stay so busy that he would not have time to be idle and depressed. He reluctantly agreed to a chore chart. I was very detailed and even listed the times these things needed to be complete. Monday at 7am, clean cat box and feed cats. 730am, clean sinks in both bathrooms, 8am clean master bathroom shower. I was so very specific that I called him the first day and he was behind schedule and I realized that I may burn him out from working him too hard. I needed something to give him more motivation.
How did you motivate him? Did you try male chastity?
Sex has always been a motivator for him and he is very sexual. I also enjoy sex very much and I enjoy this nightly bond that we spend together. I don’t want to lock him up but if he doesn’t complete his list then he doesn’t earn his sex for that night. While I have seen your blog and preventing ejaculation for seven or more days, that isn’t the right option for us or for me. We picked our own method and maybe it is similar just executed slightly different. Do you think?
It does sound like it could be similar but if it works for you then I think it is great. Aside from using sex to motivate him, how has the sexual side of your relationship changed?
He has changed. Holding him to his chore schedule puts me in an supervisory role to him. We go through his chore list each evening, talk about them and discuss how he did for the day. With very little time to relax, he is quite exhausted at the end of the day. After seeing how hard of a worker he can be, I continue to add things to his list such as tasks for our daughter including laundry and cooking dinner for the family each day. He isn’t the handiest but he is also working on some smaller home renovation tasks like changing light fixtures and painting. When it was warmer, he was doing some landscaping in the back yard. He was adding pounds during his time laying on the couch so there is some time for physical activity and he can show me his progress on a mobile app that we both use. In fact, with regular exercise for the past few months he is now in great shape!
He thrives with the schedule and we’ve only had a few days where he gets very behind on his schedule. He knows to call me and let me know ahead of time so we can still have an enjoyable night when I get home from work.
In the bedroom he is very focused on pleasing me and on satisfying my needs where before it was more focused on his needs. Sex is now an earned reward that represents my satisfaction towards him.
This is an interesting method and it sounds like he has a full time job and enjoys supporting his family in a very different way now. Do you find yourself transitioning to be more dominant also?
I feel more confident and more dominant and I do take a more dominant role in the bedroom. After reading the blog about how pegging makes you feel I decided that I may enjoy pegging. I told him about my thoughts on pegging and he was open minded to the idea although nervous. The role reversal in the bedroom is a reflection of the the role change in the household so we decided to try it together.
We went to the sex shop and picked out a beginner harness and it came with a dildo. I will say that it was sexually fascinating to be in this role. For the first time I felt the level of sexual dominance that I feel in the non sexual aspects of my life. I was gentle of course but still felt as if I was in charge and while I felt no physical sensation in penetrating him the emotional side was very intense. Holding his hipbones and hearing his moans and gasps was fascinating and very arousing. I feel like pegging is a piece of our sex life that has been missing all along. I think his mind was blown by how sensual and emotional sex can be. After our first time we talked about how emotionally overwhelming it was for him to be dominated sexually. Pegging has only been in our bedroom for one month’s time so it is still very fresh and new to us. We recorded one of our sessions on our phone and I highly recommend that you try it.
We haven’t tried chastity belts, dressing up or spanking or anything like that. I don’t think those are right for us.
You may be one of the few that has turned the lemons of a global pandemic into lemonade. Do you see him going back to work if they asked him to come back?
If his work asked for him back, I think it would do him some good to get out of the house but I think part time would be better for us. I would also be more mindful of his downtime to keep him on task with our household needs. He is incredibly productive when his time is managed closely. I’ve talked to my mother about our relationship challenges and she has been very helpful with her traditional perspective, she is Danish and my father is Swedish. Scandinavian women can be quite dominant and don’t take the type of crap that many American women take.
I know that you are new to female dominance and female led marriage. Do you have a name for what you practice?
I have thought of this because we seem to do things differently than many of the blogs I read. I thought task based or service based household but now that you know more, I am open to any ideas that you may have!
You said that your daughter is 17, what does she think of the changes?
At first she was confused at the changes especially the changes in the way that I spoke to her father. We’ve discussed it and she understands that he is running the household while I am working. This doesn’t make him any less important than me but he is just in a different but equally as important role. I will say that she loves having her room clean and laundry done by her father so she can focus on school and her close circle of friends.
This has been great. Is there anything else that you would like to share with us?
Only that I am still learning and trying to understand how a female dominant relationship works. It has only been about six months since we implemented the daily task list so I wouldn’t say that it stands the test of time yet. All I can say is that our house has never been this clean and we have never been happier. This isn’t the magic cure for depression, he still has a rough time some days but I am forever supportive as a partner with him.
I only recently came across your site in my search for information about our lifestyle changes. Everything about Covid goes against what we call normal. Appreciate your health and do the best you can for your family.
I am so happy for you and your husband! Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. You have given him greater peace and happiness than he has ever known in his life. As a man who worked in a very stressful job I can vouch for this change which also happened to me when my wife took the reins (although not yet pegging though I wish for it). You are also serving as a great example for your daughter and showing her how a man and wife can be very happy with her in charge. Best of luck to you in the future! I think it will be a very good one for you and your family.
And many thanks to bloggers like Emma and Ms Kaylee for helping evolve our society by showing another way of finding bliss for couples…..
It has been difficult. I am not sure if this blog makes it sound like things were easy because they have not been. So far we are making things work for us. There is some pride that comes from being a traditional man in a household. Same for a woman being proud of a clean and nicely decorated home. Flipping the pride is tough but I will say my husband is proud of our nicely kept home and I am proud of my contribution to our family. Together we have a marriage that we are very proud of.
I can relate to the “pride” issue that your husband is gong through. I was burdened with that in the beginning. I’m an Alpha guy in every aspect of my life, except for my submission to my Wife, and it was something that I had to let go of. TRUST – it’s the key. COMMUNICATION is absolutely essential. Copious amount of positive affirmation from you (good boy, I’m very proud of you, I really love our new life, etc.) and accompanying flirty teasing goes very far. All that said, controlling his sex/orgasms is vital. Fight through all of the pride things because when he is able to set his pride aside, the unbelievable joy that comes from being in service to my wife is amazing.
How exciting for both of you.
Thank you very much for the comment as well. Pride is a big one but also sorting out his emotions is new. Pegging for example. I think he agreed to pegging with it being a kinky new way to explore the sexual side of our relationship. The first time we tried it was the single most emotional sexual experience we had ever had together.
No I did not yell demeaning things at him while spanking him with a riding crop. We lay on the bed, I caress his body and cuddled while I put the toy inside him. We lay there together and make slow thrusting movements. The first time was a trusting and vulnerable cuddle. An experience together. After we finished he had a more sensitive outlook and a level of trust that I would protect him.
For me it was clear that he loves me. For maybe the first time in our marriage he allowed me in emotionally all the way with total surrender and without judgement. At first he fought it but once he relaxed and let his guard down we were like one together.
I am very quick to reject things such as spanks or chastity devices or leather bondage and whips. Will any of these activities give us greater insight to each other like pegging has? I don’t want to reject because of pride or because they don’t meet my normal.
“The first time we tried it was the single most emotional sexual experience we had ever had together.”
That is beautiful. Congratulations.
A Female Led Marriage is not about saying demeaning things or humiliation, or anything else. Sure, some people participate in those things but it is not what defines a beautiful, loving and caring relationship where the man submits to his wife. Don’t let anyone tell you how to define your relationship. It’s yours and it will develop naturally based in trust and love. What works for you is what matters.
In my marriage, the only time I am ever in a chastity cage is for punishment. I do receive spankings when discipline, punishment or correction is called for. For us it works and works very well. It’s hard to describe the amazing feeling of having the slate wiped clean after a punishment or correction is given. It’s not weird and it isn’t at all like it appears in porn. It’s cleaning and it is beautiful.
So will those activities give you greater insight to your marriage? Perhaps … you don’t have to decide on any activities until and unless you are moved to do so. This lifestyle is a journey. A beautiful journey and along the way you’ll discover things that perhaps you never thought you would like. Keep an open mind.
My Wife and I went through something like this together. I lost my job and She got a promotion weeks apart. I made this transition and sought out chastity as a coping mechanism to help me handle the stress of the role reversal and the Wife led marriage. The Wife led marriage happened before chastity but orgasm denial helped me accept Her leadership in the bedroom and in the household. We tried without using a device in the beginning but a metal cage helped me remember Her leadership and Her sacrifices for our family throughout the day. As men we are prone to masturbate and dwell on pornography when boredom and tedium set in so a cage prevented me from falling into bad habits.
It seems clear that he respects you enormously but one thing which challenged our relationship is my Wife’s respect for me. Due to Her upbringing She equated some of my worth to my wealth and financial contribution. A female led relationship needs mutual respect, it took some time for Her to adjust to understanding that my worth is my contribution to the household and our relationship. I think I was quicker with reframing my self worth than She was in reframing Her ideas on the role of a husband. We are excellent now and She rules our roost. You are in for a wonderful ride together and you have located the perfect resource with Emma’s site.
If you don’t mind, can you tell me how orgasm denial is such a profound change for your marriage? It seems to me like a game with keys and devices. I am not sure I want to play a sexual game unless I understand more clearly.
My Wife enjoys the cage because it symbolizes control and submission. When I am wearing Her cage it symbolizes the control She has over my most intimate details. Many things in our relationship are about me doing things as a loving act of service for Her. You call your household a service based household which is a wonderful observation into what gives you true happiness as head of household. The service that your husband does for you is a reflection of the respect and appreciation he has for your leadership and providing for your family.
This site has many great pages about the benefits of chastity and orgasm denial so are in a good place to learn together with your husband.
Hi there TanjaNest,
I’m not Keifer. Hope you don’t mind me adding my 2c 🙂
There are many reasons why orgasm retention can be interesting and positive in relationships ranging from dynamics, dominant and submissive, to games, but it also works on another level.
When men orgasm, they have a shift in their hormone levels. The degree of this shift is different for all men, but it tends to manifest as tiredness and a lack of interest in ones partner for a time. This shift can last seconds or days, and it can be cumulative, i.e. if he is cumming only every once in a while, it might be almost non existent, but if he cums a lot, it can become quite pronounced.
When a guy doesn’t have an orgasm, he doesn’t have this shift. That is not to say you don’t have sex. You do, and you can have lots of it, he just doesn’t orgasm very often. Initially this can be a challenge for the man because he’s used to orgasming every time he has sex so not orgasming can feel odd and frustrating, but that dissipates once it becomes clear that there are significant benefits.
And those benefits? Without the shift in hormones, he will naturally like being in relationship more, which can lead to more openness, closeness, intimacy etc which leads to a better overall relationship.
The key is to find the right balance and adjust your intimate relations to suit the new dynamic. With orgasm retention, sex becomes much more about you and what you want and he will find he’ll get pleasure from you being pleasured and not just during sex for him. For example, where he might have sort of liked massaging you prior, he will now really like giving you long massages type thing. Where he might have liked short minutes of forplay prior, now he will be super excited to give you exactly the amount thats perfect for you. Basically, it comes down to whats perfect for you is what he will end up almost craving ( unless of course whats perfect for you is your man cumming a lot in which case…….).
Might not sound very intuitive, but it does tend to work out that way.
So, a chastity device. Do you need one? Again, different for everybody. Many people who are into orgasm retention don’t use them. Many people do.
As with most things, there are lots of reasons why one might use one ranging from control, to symbolism, to simply making the guys life easer.
For example. Most men started masterbating at puberty and if they aren’t getting regular sex, they simply masterbate. If they have taken up orgasm retention, they have to overcome this lifelong habit and something that feels like a biological need. A device, assuming you gets one that works ( most are toys that don’t ), can make that a whole lot easer.
Anyways, welcome to the forum. Remember there is no right or wrong. Many things that work for one person might or might not work for another. My advice. You are human. You aren’t going to live that long. Be open, be brave, try a bunch of stuff. Find out what works for you.
“When men orgasm, they have a shift in their hormone levels. The degree of this shift is different for all men, but it tends to manifest as tiredness and a lack of interest in ones partner for a time. This shift can last seconds or days, and it can be cumulative, i.e. if he is cumming only every once in a while, it might be almost non existent, but if he cums a lot, it can become quite pronounced.”
Very nicely said @Brian, and so very true. Early on in my marriage (before WLM), I would jerk off in the shower 4-5 times a week. I didn’t do it in secret from my wife. She knew pretty much every time and would often stand at the entrance to our shower and watch. It seemed normal for us. There was no conscious negative connotation associated with it, it was just part our transparent sex life so it was no big deal.
What we didn’t know at the time was there was a tremendous amount of energy that I could otherwise focus on the love of my life swirling down the drain on those mornings. Then one day, after an innocent comment my Wife made about wondering whether or not we would be intimate and loving after the kids left the nest, I came across an article/blog talking about how to revive and continuously fuel the passion in a marriage. It was basically centered on orgasm control and semen retention, which ultimately led to our current WLM lifestyle.
We already enjoyed a vigorous sex life and enjoyed role playing BDSM roles, so the implementation of a chastity cage seemed natural to us. As practicable as it seemed at the time, the use of a cage turned to be a hinderance in our sex life because Ms. K. (my Wife) wanted unfettered access to my little friend at the cage prevented the spontaneity that she enjoyed. Mostly because removal of the cage for sex also usually included the need to shower and clean things up down there.
We (She) implemented a new rule. I would be chaste without the use of a cage and that I was strictly prohibited from touching or using my penis for any sexual reason whatsoever without her permission and under her direct supervision. Zero tolerance was the rule and a violation of the rule would be akin to infidelity, and all of the terrible things associated with it. It was at this point where our loving, caring, beautiful WLM began to thrive.
Sex for us was no longer defined by an orgasm for me. Instead sex was defined by orgasm(s) for her and pleasure that was focused on her, from which I am able to gain immense pleasure myself. It was then that I could appreciate and crave the joy of being in a constant state of arousal for her, before, during and after sex. I began to genuinely prefer this constant state of desire and arousal for her over the fleeting seconds of joy that comes from an orgasm for me.
Yes, I still am allowed some (3-4 per year) full on orgasms, but I can honestly say that now, my sex life is better, more satisfying and more frequent than it has ever been. As a result, the energy of sexual desires are now genuinely focus solely on her and as such, our marriage and love for each other has never been better.
Labels are both necessary and confusing. Chastity is abstaining from orgasm. A chastity cage is merely one way of achieving it but not the sole source of enforcement. It is a tool that is used to prevent unauthorized use of the penis.
This may be the thing we try next. I was concerned about the loss of daily sexual connection but it seems from subhub and Brian that sexual connection may still be present and the man can still get physical stimulation but no orgasm. I am surprised Emma that we didn’t talk about this more when we talked several days back.
I know is is hard to fathom, but orgasm control of the husband is an amazing thing and like I said, IT has resulted in the best sex of my life. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest you strat with Emma’s very good post at the top of her blog … “Introduction – Taking The Reigns. There are many other blogs and forum entries on this site that are marvelous in regards to explaining it all.
I’d like to also suggest that you not equate orgasm control with the loss of daily sexual connection with your husband. Again, if sex (for him) remains defined as an orgasm for him, then it will be difficult to be able to focus his sexual energy on you. Another excellent blog entry on this topic is … “Sex Redefined For the Submissive” by MzKaylee on her blog FemdomThinkTank.
Throughout this blog and others, the Dominant women reiterate a very important aspect. When a man is being denied, teasing and other sexy attention paid to him is critical. It does have to be much nor much work for you. Much of it psychological, and very much loved by the husband.
There’s an old saying in our modest little world of WLM/FLR … “ignore and deny is NOT the same as tease and deny” One of those is bad. One of those is amazingly good.
Apologies for not pushing chastity. My approach is to give you the info and allow you to make the decision for yourself. I assumed (perhaps wrongfully so) that you had all of the information needed to decide. We are still here to support you if you want more information and want to give it a try.
I am one of the guys who practice chastity without using a device. When my wife found out that cages existed, she didn’t like the look of them and found them too kinky for her.
So I am on the honor system and it works because retaining makes me feel good. I am frustrated but also excited, which intensifies both my desire for her and my desire to please her in every way. When she allows me to have an orgasm (about twice per month), every one is incredible!
The link between my desire to please and my desire to orgasm is subconscious. It’s not as though I am pleasing her with a conscious objective of getting to cum! But magically, after about 4 days without ejaculating, I feel like I just can’t do enough for her. Since starting chastity, I regularly massage her, paint her toes, and rub her feet.
I think that you will find chastity entirely compatible with the lifestyle of service you are creating. You can try it without a cage and it can work.
I posted in the forum too but I don’t know where you will see it better. I am thinking about a transition like this with my husband and want to know if you have a list of rules that you recommend for someone thinking of this.
Tanja – thank you so much for sharing your experiences and what you and your husband have gone through. I am glad to see you guys making the best of the tough times and I hope that you will continue to update us as you continue to move forward!
I enjoyed reading your story. What a nice way achieve a new balance and intimacy. How often do you peg him?