This is a story about TanjaNest, a reader that recently joined the site. Like so many of us, Covid-19 forced some changes on her family. A huge thanks to Tanja for sharing her story. This is all very new to her so feel free to reach out with any praise, questions or support for her. We had a phone conversation which I recorded and paraphrased in the blog below.
Welcome to the site and thank you for talking to me today. Tell me a little bit about you and what is going on.
Hello Emma. Thank you. My husband and I have been married for nearly sixteen years, we got married after I became pregnant with our daughter who is now 17 years old. We live in the US in Colorado and I think we are a mostly normal family. Back in March when the pandemic struck, my husband lost his job with a resort hotel. I previously was a teacher but my credential did not apply in the US so I opened a franchise tutoring business. Since the pandemic struck, I’ve barely been able to keep up with demand.
I notice a slight accent, where are you originally from?
Originally from Sweden but my family moved to the US in 2001 so one would think the accent would be gone. When I speak to my family, it becomes more noticeable.
Tell me about the changes that you noticed when your husband transitioned to the household.
Yes. My husband got laid off and he had a stressful job with a resort. It began as a two week furlough and eventually it became clear that he would not be returning. While it was furlough, it seemed like a vacation but became more real once they told him the job was no longer waiting for him. We had a great partnership but his job loss made him feel depressed. For the first several weeks, he would sit at home and watch tv the whole day.
It is true, my job was doing very well because so many kids were struggling with distance learning. We have three campuses with a fourth planned for early 2020 so I am keeping very busy but we are needing to grow so fast that I am not bringing more money home. Due to this we needed to evaluate our finances.
We had a gardener, a cleaning lady and frequently order take-out meals. We knew that despite my husband’s state unemployment checks we were still bringing home much less money and those would need to be cut drastically. We agreed that my husband would pick up the slack on those things while he was without work.
Over the course of the next week, things did not change much. My husband was sitting at home and becoming something of a lazy bum.
Lazy Bum husband? Ouch! That’s never good.
No not at all! Especially when I work so hard all day and come home to him in the same place as when I left in the morning. So many people worldwide are dealing with depression and anxiety right now. I am certain that he was depressed at not feeling like he was giving the same contribution to our family.
We talked and he confessed to feeling depressed about the change in our lifestyle. We talked for what seemed like hours and came to terms with life simply being different. Not better, not worse, just different. We came away from the conversation with a promise that I would help motivate him and keep his mind and body active,
I told him that I did not like to see him in this way so I would make a calendar for him to stay so busy that he would not have time to be idle and depressed. He reluctantly agreed to a chore chart. I was very detailed and even listed the times these things needed to be complete. Monday at 7am, clean cat box and feed cats. 730am, clean sinks in both bathrooms, 8am clean master bathroom shower. I was so very specific that I called him the first day and he was behind schedule and I realized that I may burn him out from working him too hard. I needed something to give him more motivation.
How did you motivate him? Did you try male chastity?
Sex has always been a motivator for him and he is very sexual. I also enjoy sex very much and I enjoy this nightly bond that we spend together. I don’t want to lock him up but if he doesn’t complete his list then he doesn’t earn his sex for that night. While I have seen your blog and preventing ejaculation for seven or more days, that isn’t the right option for us or for me. We picked our own method and maybe it is similar just executed slightly different. Do you think?
It does sound like it could be similar but if it works for you then I think it is great. Aside from using sex to motivate him, how has the sexual side of your relationship changed?
He has changed. Holding him to his chore schedule puts me in an supervisory role to him. We go through his chore list each evening, talk about them and discuss how he did for the day. With very little time to relax, he is quite exhausted at the end of the day. After seeing how hard of a worker he can be, I continue to add things to his list such as tasks for our daughter including laundry and cooking dinner for the family each day. He isn’t the handiest but he is also working on some smaller home renovation tasks like changing light fixtures and painting. When it was warmer, he was doing some landscaping in the back yard. He was adding pounds during his time laying on the couch so there is some time for physical activity and he can show me his progress on a mobile app that we both use. In fact, with regular exercise for the past few months he is now in great shape!
He thrives with the schedule and we’ve only had a few days where he gets very behind on his schedule. He knows to call me and let me know ahead of time so we can still have an enjoyable night when I get home from work.
In the bedroom he is very focused on pleasing me and on satisfying my needs where before it was more focused on his needs. Sex is now an earned reward that represents my satisfaction towards him.
This is an interesting method and it sounds like he has a full time job and enjoys supporting his family in a very different way now. Do you find yourself transitioning to be more dominant also?
I feel more confident and more dominant and I do take a more dominant role in the bedroom. After reading the blog about how pegging makes you feel I decided that I may enjoy pegging. I told him about my thoughts on pegging and he was open minded to the idea although nervous. The role reversal in the bedroom is a reflection of the the role change in the household so we decided to try it together.
We went to the sex shop and picked out a beginner harness and it came with a dildo. I will say that it was sexually fascinating to be in this role. For the first time I felt the level of sexual dominance that I feel in the non sexual aspects of my life. I was gentle of course but still felt as if I was in charge and while I felt no physical sensation in penetrating him the emotional side was very intense. Holding his hipbones and hearing his moans and gasps was fascinating and very arousing. I feel like pegging is a piece of our sex life that has been missing all along. I think his mind was blown by how sensual and emotional sex can be. After our first time we talked about how emotionally overwhelming it was for him to be dominated sexually. Pegging has only been in our bedroom for one month’s time so it is still very fresh and new to us. We recorded one of our sessions on our phone and I highly recommend that you try it.
We haven’t tried chastity belts, dressing up or spanking or anything like that. I don’t think those are right for us.
You may be one of the few that has turned the lemons of a global pandemic into lemonade. Do you see him going back to work if they asked him to come back?
If his work asked for him back, I think it would do him some good to get out of the house but I think part time would be better for us. I would also be more mindful of his downtime to keep him on task with our household needs. He is incredibly productive when his time is managed closely. I’ve talked to my mother about our relationship challenges and she has been very helpful with her traditional perspective, she is Danish and my father is Swedish. Scandinavian women can be quite dominant and don’t take the type of crap that many American women take.
I know that you are new to female dominance and female led marriage. Do you have a name for what you practice?
I have thought of this because we seem to do things differently than many of the blogs I read. I thought task based or service based household but now that you know more, I am open to any ideas that you may have!
You said that your daughter is 17, what does she think of the changes?
At first she was confused at the changes especially the changes in the way that I spoke to her father. We’ve discussed it and she understands that he is running the household while I am working. This doesn’t make him any less important than me but he is just in a different but equally as important role. I will say that she loves having her room clean and laundry done by her father so she can focus on school and her close circle of friends.
This has been great. Is there anything else that you would like to share with us?
Only that I am still learning and trying to understand how a female dominant relationship works. It has only been about six months since we implemented the daily task list so I wouldn’t say that it stands the test of time yet. All I can say is that our house has never been this clean and we have never been happier. This isn’t the magic cure for depression, he still has a rough time some days but I am forever supportive as a partner with him.
I only recently came across your site in my search for information about our lifestyle changes. Everything about Covid goes against what we call normal. Appreciate your health and do the best you can for your family.
Thank you so much! I really enjoyed our conversation, let me know if you would like to do a follow-up in a few months. We look forward to hearing from you soon!