Are you familiar with the five love languages? In Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, he described five languages that men and women express and receive love. Those languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. Most of us find that we receive love and find it easiest to express love in one of those languages. You can read more about the five love languages here and I highly suggest that you pick up the book if you haven’t read it.
The vast majority of men identify physical touch as their love language and I wanted to explore that further. Women seem to be scattered across the board with most of the languages and physical touch is usually second or third for most of us. Not every man lists physical touch as their number one and kudos to those who don’t.
Just because you like sex, that doesn’t mean your love language is physical touch!
Sex and physical touch are different and many men think that they like having sex so that must mean physical touch is their love language. When determining your love language, remove sex from the equation. In fact, Kev and I found that orgasm denial and male chastity have really allowed us to shift to a place of understanding his needs more accurately and have allowed us to be more intentional with making sure that his love needs are met. You read that right, his needs are often better met in a relationship where male chastity is present.
But why? How come?
Boys and men are different and our society doesn’t teach them that expressing feelings and emotional vulnerability is acceptable. In fact it is very likely that the only time men felt affection in their childhood was when someone took time to physically touch them. A hug from mom or grandma. A reassuring father’s hand on their shoulder. Oftentimes a well intentioned hug was a substitute for actually opening up and discussing feelings. I know we can’t talk about this and I know you are going through some shit so let’s just hug and acknowledge that you’ve got some shit to sort out. Emotional support is hard to come by as a man.
Men are all the same!
Every man just wants sex and that’s all they want. They don’t want connection, they don’t want true love, they just want women for one thing. Maybe but maybe not. When my all-powerful key governs Kev’s sexual appetite, the focus is on my touch and not the act of sex. His favorite is when I brush my fingers across the prickly hairs on the back of his neckline and my reassuring arm on his shoulder or around his waist. As if to say I’m physically reassuring you that I’ll fight for you and our relationship is a safe place for us to be vulnerable with each other.
Intercourse isn’t all that important
It really isn’t. We find that physical touch is a gateway language that allows him to feel safe with his other languages. Just because he learned safety in touch doesn’t mean that he only knows touch as an affirmation of love. Skin to skin touch releases hormones which aid in letting down walls and allowing ones self to be vulnerable with a partner. Most men don’t find it acceptable to hug their platonic male friends so physical touch often requires an emotional/sexual relationship for it to be acceptable in their eyes. Men will sometimes go out of their way to be less physical with non-sexual partners because of societal stigma which makes touch more rare. While we may feel comfortable approaching our bestie and asking for an embrace, this isn’t the same for men. As such we often become the only way for him to get that hormonal boost that he receives with a loving touch.
Physical touch is easy to understand
It doesn’t take a brainiac to feel a connection from physical touch. Words of affirmation can be difficult for men since men don’t typically feel comfortable receiving compliments. Acts of service is something that men feel that they should be giving within the context of a relationship. Gifts are also something that men feel that they should be giving and not receiving since societal roles dictate them as a provider.
Quality time can be a strange one for both partners
In our society, we are taught to cast away all others and spend our every waking moment with our partner. This means that time spent with our partner is often overwhelming. Women feel like they are smothered and Esther Perel describes it best in her book Mating in Captivity, “It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.” In fact, spending all of your time together gives up that sense of autonomy and makes them less of a mystery. Spend less time together but spend more quality time together. In doing so, you might just find that those magical moments together are your love language.
Ok, now what?
Love each other and make it your mission to find the ways to best express and receive love together. Just because you feel most comfortable showing your love in a certain way doesn’t mean that your partner receives their love in the same way. Communicate the way you best receive love and express your love in the way that best suits your partner. If you man is locked for the rest of locktober, this might be a great time to explore the types of physical touch that might allow him to learn a little bit more about the ways that touching things other than his penis might play into the way that he receives love within your relationship. Whatever your languages are, I love you all and I appreciate you reading my blog!