Emotional Safety

Only Emotional Safety Allows True Sexual Freedom

My wheels are turning, three blogs in three consecutive days? Who am I? I think my mind is just incredibly fueled by the wonderful comments and dialog that my past two blogs have spurred. @tincup and @nevertoolate specifically on the previous blog about Romantic Loyalty and Cuckolding. I wanted to pinpoint just how and where my sexual freedom came from. This blog started after yogagirl’s now defunct FLR101 blog shut down, it left a gaping hole in my heart but it also lit a small spark of curiosity. That spark ignited some curiosity about love and sex, to be honest I’ve always wondered if this is it when it comes to sex. The whole world seems to revolve around sex but there are so many aspects of sex.

Passion is the body’s attempt to secure a mate. When passion exists, the body is throwing out all of the stops to make the other person addicted to your aura. How can you fool your mind into passionate sex with a long term partner? How can you have passion but also have a long term emotional partner? I think the female body is hard wired for polyamory and I think that passion shouldn’t necessarily assigned to sex but also one’s self. Not only do I feel passionate after certain physical encounters, I AM passion.

Sex for women is risky or at least it has been for thousands of years. Only recently have birth control and abortion (please don’t get me started here) been readily available. Since this development has only been present for less than a generation, our minds haven’t evolved to see sex as safe. When a woman evaluates a potential sex partner, safety is one of the evaluation points. This is of course physical and emotional safety. Having a long term emotional partner allows us to forego half of that equation and remove emotional safety as an evaluation point. If safety is present, desire can follow and with desire comes arousal. With a long term partner, there is a secure base which allows us the freedom to be sexually risky and spontaneous. This extends itself well to other partners but often feeds back to the primary partner.

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Sex is about gas and brakes which is commonly referred to as the dual control model (DCM). The gas in the DCM is the ability to be turned on and the balance of sexual inhibition (brakes) and sexual excitation (gas). If you are 100% turned on, you are pedal to the metal baby. Brakes are your reasons to stop, consequences of sex, potential threats, negative emotions about your body.

If a woman feels true emotional safety, she is free to pursue a gas-only type relationship. For me, it is challenging to pursue a gas-only relationship with my primary partner because my subconscious doesn’t want to threaten the emotional connection I have. It is only with someone I don’t care about that I can remove the brakes from the equation and truly experience that carnal excitement. Rather than feel threatened by not experiencing passion in the purest form, it should be flattering that I value the love and connection above all else at a subconscious level. There are so many things we do to reinforce the emotional intimacy of our bond such as male chastity which reinforces his desire and his ability to put orgasm aside in the interest of our connection. Pegging which allows him to feel deep submission to my love for him in a way that most men do not experience.

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When I have sex with others, I love drawing that experience back to him and experiencing that with him. I know he thrives from my energy and satisfaction above all things and I am truly thankful to have such a partner in my life. It allows me to look for other things that I would never want in a long term partner. Kindness and intelligence are the enormous attributes for a long term partner but they are generally irrelevant in short term hookups. If I am only meeting a guy for a night or two, I’d much prefer abs or a defined physique over flowers or acts of kindness. I’m not trying to be with you, I just want to scratch that itch and move on. Spending a night with an attractive guy has the secondary benefit of making me feel more attractive and desirable; boundless sexual energy that I take right back to my husband. I thrive on it. He thrives on me. We thrive on us.

Sorry that the title of this blog sounds like it was inspired by a fortune cookie. πŸ₯ 
Ancient Chinese proverb say Only Emotional Safety Allows True Sexual Freedom.

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TinCup

Wow! This has really taken me down a rabbit hole of thought! Thanks Emma! Now I can’t get back in my work headspace after lunch. LOL.

The term “gas-only relationship” has my head spinning. I do not have that with my wife and we are both glad for that. That said, I would definitely like to have some “gas-only moments” or “sessions” with her. Maybe she would also. I have been desparately trying to have that with her for years. For me, I can get there, but she has not shown that ability in more than a decade. Although, there has been some improvement lately. It’s that hunger and uninhibited energy I am desiring. My conventional trad self thinks that I can draw it out of her. Maybe I’m like one of those fools at the roulette wheel who think they can beat the house? Maybe we need to throw convention asside and think outside the box or outside the marriage for her? I love her dearly and I would be open to that if that was something that she wanted. Neither of us are into things that will put our family at risk, so I will probably never know.

See Emma? You really put a mind blower on me!

TinCup

Mind still blown, but drinking in your wisdom.

I am convinced that her fire isn’t truly there for me anymore. There are occasional sparks and more lately, but it isn’t the same. She so often and so lovingly tells me that it is, but it is not. Her emphatic attempts are sweet and apreciated, but I think helping her see the truth of it will bring us closer to a path forward.

“Remember that it isn’t simply about you allowing her to experience it, it is more about her allowing herself to experience it.”

I couldn’t agree more. I don’t want to and certainly can’t force it. Frankly, I think she is in a place right now that if I even brought it up, it would hurt her. I am open to it, but it absolutely must be initiated by her. I do not want it unless she wants it way more than me. No half measures.

Without talking together about specifics, we have discussed expanding things through our fantasies. We have a big weekend alone coming up. I hope to better understand where her head is on many things.

I think my head is getting clearer, but the challenges remain much the same.

Thanks Emma! πŸ‘ŠπŸ’œ

TinCup

That defining moment must have been special❀️‍πŸ”₯

We do not yet know what will rev her engines back up, but I am all in. Life is too short to miss out on the deep physical connection we once shared through sexual expression. I will gladly cast away ego to see the look of hunger in her eyes and it really doesn’t matter to me where it comes from. i am far from caring about the mainstream values and false morality that come with trad life.

I know I will have to allow myself to be vulnerable, show patience, listen to her, and bare my soul when called upon. I hope I am up to the challenge.

Thanks!πŸ‘ŠπŸ’œ

nevertoolate

As I have written elsewhere, marriage is the safe harbor an adventurous wife can sail from and return to. Not all adventures turn out well, so that person back home is always there for comfort and support.Love begat lust, lust begat love. The supportive husband in the half open relationship makes it unique and special, and safer. Otherwise it is just singles dating.

Contrary to popular on-line advice, it takes an emotionally strong man to encourage his wife to have lovers.It is a level of maturity that comes with age and positive reinforcement from his wife that he is not being abandoned or left behind. I am impressed that the 20 year old set now manages to embrace it so well.

djv

I agree with your assessment here, it does take a very strong man to do it and maturity definitely matters to keep it positive, safe and fun

AllAboutHer

A very strong man if it is going to be positive and healthy. Or a very weak man if it is destructive and simply endured.

subhubphx

All of this makes a tremendous amount of sense, given the proclivities and boundaries of the people involved. It strikes me though that all of it still makes sense if the positions were reversed.

If the need for a new sexual and romantic, passionate bound is necessary for one in the couple to strengthen the relationship, and the other is truly on board, then God bless them all. For me, if Ms. K. were to need an additional and exclusive passionate and sexual relationship with another, I don’t think I could truly be ok with it, even if I “talked myself into it”. However, if she were to want to fuck another man (or woman) as if that person was not much more than a human sex toy, then perhaps.

Likewise, I don’t think I would ever be able to unhear or unsee any humiliation associated with her fucking, or even wanting another. Even if it was in jest and “not real”. I get how others may benefit from it, and those people, again, God bless you.

Romano

Hi Emma.
I came across your blog and it is both intriguing and exciting to read about your relationship with Kevin

Do your family and friends know that Kevin is caged? I would guess it’s a source of embarrassment for him if this is the case

And how does it work if Kevin were to go to gym or somewhere that he would be seen by other men being caged? Does that ever happen?

Wishing you well and keep up the great blog

Romano

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