Romantic Loyalty

Romantic Loyalty & Cuckolding: Can they coexist?

Yesterday I posted a blog entitled Yes. I Cuckold My Husband: My Perspective and shortly after, I received some private messages from readers. Some were supportive while others were critical, saying that I was taking the site to the world of mainstream kink. I felt defensive and for a while I considered taking that blog down thinking that I may have crossed some sort of line with my readers. After sleeping on it, I decided that taking the blog down would be disingenuous to myself. This is my journey and we are experimenting with all sorts of things in the world of kink. So necessary or not, there is my apology.

Cuckolding is the art of taking someone’s partner and it has a long history as a ridiculing insult. I struggle with the term but I’m learning to love it. Cuckolding represents for me the competitive nature amongst men and dates back in literature as far back as William Shakespeare. To some, there is no deeper insult than threatening to take someone’s wife or girlfriend. I don’t want to come off as suggesting that this is a purely male fetish, the term cuckoldress exists and there is a similar subculture but it is exponentially less popular. I think this is something that is deeply seated in male psyche.

Being cheated on sucks, but the modern version of cuckoldry (as least the one I purport here) is a consensually non monogamous (CNM) relationship where the woman refuels her sexual aura by being with another man. Long term relationships are notoriously bad for the female sex drive as novelty and new relationship energy play are essential to arousal. I cannot of course speak for all women but I can speak for the woman writing this blog. She finds that a committed relationship fills the emotional needs but the very thing that she wants from a committed relationship dries up physical other need. I’m going to stop speaking in the third person because it is getting creepy. An deeply connected emotional partner is the textbook definition of the friend zone and my husband is my most near and dear emotional partner. I don’t desire passionate sex with him but I do crave emotional connection, intimacy and closeness with him. This means that I either go without passionate sex in my life, I bounce from relationship to relationship as new relationship energy fades or I find a relationship that allows me deep emotional connection while simultaneously experiencing a lustful physical connection.

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My incredibly supportive husband is on this journey with me and allows me to experience the latter. We’ve decided to cast aside the moral or philosophical stance that cuckolding or hotwifing is somehow a terrible thing. We have frequent conversations and explore the volatile emotions that it sometimes produces. Playing into the fetish side allows us to bring the experience full circle and explore the mental aspect with Kev. We thrive on the incredible Dom/sub dynamic that it produces and it allows aftercare to create and even deeper connection for the two of us. Kev can feel 100% safe in my love for him and I tell that to him every time he deals with the cuckold angst but it makes him question much of what he holds near and dear to his manliness.

So the question about romantic loyalty as it exists in CNM relationships. Absolutely! As with morals, the word loyalty can have a flexible definition from one couple to the next. What is morally wrong for one person may not violate the morals of another. So as loyalty may also be a fluid definition. Loyalty is showing allegiance and following through on commitments and obligations. Loyalty does not mean exclusivity unless you define it as such. If you commit to certain rules in your relationship, simply following through with those rules and boundaries is staying true to your romantic loyalty. For this reason it is also very important to over-communicate your definition of romantic loyalty to prevent any confusion. Can you sleep with another man within the confines of marriage and still be loyal?

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Absolutely.


What do you think?

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TinCup

Hey Emma,

I have no criticism of your lifestyle or how you and Kev pursue fulfillment in your relationship. I also applaud your sense of adventure and your willingness to try alternative methods of enhancing intimacy and sexual satisfaction. From what I read, you two seem very happy. I am curious on how the statement “I don’t desire passionate sex with him” will effect Kev long-term. What does Kev need to do to continue to be fulfilled without passionate sex? How do other cucks meet that need long-term? I had heard from others that CNM and cuckolding seeks to rekindle or stoke the fires of passion between the two committed partners. Isn’t that one of the goals? Do you expect to get some of that passion back, or have you and Kev accepeted that it will never return?

nevertoolate

Pretty much any activity by partners that keeps them devoted to each other is a positive to the relationship. Time spent away from each other increases the value of time spent together. Fewer relationships start out like yours, Emma, but that is changing with the interests of the younger set. The typical story is the married couple in the 5-10 year rage; the “seven year itch.”

As you have mentioned, women tire of sameness, men do too. I feel women, blessed by biology have a greater capacity to love more than one.It has been noted that a wife’s play with other’s is a form of “foreplay” for the primary relationship. Many men seem to be stimulated by witnessing other’s having sex and much more watching a partner. Extreme sexual arousal from viewing her with another male may be more hard wired than we men wish to admit. It may be an innate hidden trait for a more submissive male to “wait their turn.”

It is interesting to continue to hear of your evolution from Chasity Play and FLR to Cuckolding. It seems to be a natural addition to a very female centered experience. Female centered for sure, but what fascinates me is how how much time and effort is also devoted to male interests through control. What may seem counter intuitive actually increases the bond of intimacy in the primary relationship. Communication and trust are the glues for this bond.

subhubphx

Both of these recent posts are fascinating. Each expertly written as always. Thank you Emma. Something that I notice in nearly every article/blog/comment about cuckolding is; It’s assumed that the idea of entering a CNM/Cuckold/Hotwife relationship comes from the man. The idea has to originate somewhere and it’s not likely such an idea comes to mind simultaneously with a husband and wife. I’m keenly aware that many such ideas do originate in the minds of men … but not always.

@nevertoolate said in a comment here:It is interesting to continue to hear of your evolution from Chasity Play and FLR to Cuckolding. It seems to be a natural addition to a very female centered experience.” 

It suggests that cuckolding is part of an inevitable natural progression path for the Wife in a Wife Led Marriage. Clearly it is natural to assume that a Dominant Wife in a WLM is more likely to progress in such a direction compared to a ‘vanilla’ wife, but it’s not always the case. What about those relationships where the man does not have that fantasy and therefore does not thrust it upon his wife …yet it is a WLM? Ms. K. and I are in such a relationship. I don’t have the fantasy of pushing her in the direction of fucking another man, and presently, neither does she.

I’ve spoken here many times before about having evolved (see what I did there?) from a man that never fantasized about it or would’ve never even entertained the idea of CNM for my beloved wife, to a man that has learned/been trained over the years to genuinely seek my pleasure from seeing to it that my Wife has hers … in whatever form she sought it. Once I learned the term compersion, it made sense to me.

What about those cuckold/hotwife/CNM relationships that originated with the woman’s fantasies? It would be interesting to know how the various men that supposedly evolved (there, I did it again) to being 100% supportive of their woman fucking other men, got there.

nevertoolate

Although I intellectually felt a woman should be encouraged to experience boundless pleasure, it still took time for my wife to lead me into embracing and supporting her extra curricular activities.Overcoming a sense of loss and control; something this man had to mature into. Not the end of the world or a marriage, just a new exciting one.

AllAboutHer

“Although I intellectually felt a woman should be encouraged to experience boundless pleasure, it still took time for my wife to lead me into embracing and supporting her extra curricular activities.”

@nevertoolate I think you are saying you that a sense of compersion developed even though it wasn’t your idea at first. I can see that. I have no desire to see my fiancé sleep with other men. But if I knew the man wasn’t going to emotionally replace me and I thought my fiancé would enjoy the physical pleasure and it would make her feel powerful, I can see how it would be possible for me to get behind the idea. But, it would have to be about making our relationship better. Not reinforcing my inferiority.

How about how it impacts you? Is it important to your wife that you are humiliated, diminished, or degraded by the experience? If so, do you think that strengthens your relationship or strains it?

nevertoolate

Is it important to your wife that you are humiliated, diminished, or degraded by the experience? If so, do you think that strengthens your relationship or strains it?

That wasn’t her interest or mine. It was about her freedom to enjoy others and feel loved. Based upon social norms, it can be humiliating for both but more so for the man “saving face.” Also, at it basic core, it can submissive of the man to be supportive of this, but submissiveness doesn’t always desire or lead to humiliation. There is a wide range of interests in the world of half open marriages. Some involve a dominant husband and submissive wife to the dominant wife and submissive husband. Some initiated by wives, most by the men. Labels have different meanings to sub-group interests. It can be a fascinating mess sometimes!.

AllAboutHer

Also, at it basic core, it can submissive of the man to be supportive of this, but submissiveness doesn’t always desire or lead to humiliation.”

100%. I am very submissive. Even put it writing when I proposed marriage. We have a very formal Level 3 FLR. But I don’t see us crossing over to a Level 4 because humiliation and degradation are hard limits for us. We feel our relationship improves us both and makes her a better woman and me a better man. It feels like an infinite positive feedback loop of love and devotion. She feels more powerful dominating me the stronger I am. She doesn’t get a boost up by cutting me down. That is not psychologically sound, to me that feels more like insecurity on the woman’s part than inferiority on the man’s part.

Strangely though, I love her so much and want pleasure for her so much, that I could see supporting her exercising her control and dominance over me to take a lover it it were done to feed this positive, constructive dynamic, prove my devotion and compersion, and if it were only “pure sexual gratification for her” with no chance of emotional entanglement.

This is why I am asking Emma such pointed questions, My experience is just so different from hers. My fiancé simply doesn’t see the point in sex with anyone else. The sole purpose of sex for us to increase the intimacy and passion between us.

I know there are lots of others who are different. “Your mileage may vary,” as they say. That is why I cannot wait for Emma to tell us more about what this does to/for Kev so I am try to understand and see if I am missing something.

HappyCuckold

You raise interesting points, Subhubphx. Based on conversations with my wife, I think I can say that the most sexually exciting phase of our long marriage was the phase involving cuckolding. When we first embarked on FLR, I don’t think either of us imagined that it would lead to her having sex with other men. In fact, there was a time when I would have found that intolerable. The main elements of our FLR in the beginning involved a kind of gender role reversal in which I became like an old fashioned “housewife” to her, doing almost all the cooking and housework, while she enjoyed the privileges men had under patriarchy, e.g. leisure time and greater freedom. At my request, she also provided domestic discipline, mainly but not exclusively in the form of spanking. I think I began to fantasize about being cuckolded as the ultimate extension of a power exchange that was a reversal of traditional patriarchy. In the bad old days of patriarchy, there was a sexual double standard: wives were expected to be faithful to their husbands, whereas it was considered somewhat normal for men to have affairs or even keep mistresses. It was that power exchange aspect that appealed to me: the idea that my wife should enjoy a sexual freedom that would be denied to me. When I revealed to my wife that I had begun to fantasize about her cuckolding me, she was excited because it turned out that she had always fantasized about extramarital sex. We talked about it a lot and played with the fantasy together for a while before agreeing that we were both ready to try the real thing. The rest is history. I think it worked because my wife wanted to experience sex with other men, so she was doing it both for herself and for me.

AllAboutHer

Emma, your post are carefully written to make it clear that you area simply relating a journey of two people; you and Kev. You even warn your observers that cuckolding can be detrimental in several ways. Fair enough. But you are not warning us off the path you have chosen for Kev. You are just telling us to be very, very careful. And you have advice on how this “best of both world” arrangement you are making for yourself should be done for the protection of the romantic relationship. But, caveats notwithstanding, it is clear that you are holding this kind of CNC relationship out there for your followers to consider.

You tell us that “long term relationships are notoriously bad for the female sex drive as novelty and new relationship energy play are essential to arousal.” Those who love our women and are totally focused on empowering them and bringing them pleasure in there lives MUST sit up and pay attention because, if what you imply is true, it is almost a certainty that our woman will lose their drive to have sex with us, lose arousal, and even get to a point that they won’t “desire passionate sex” with us. If this is true for our women, as well, then we face the same kind of existential choice you saw for yourself. For you, you must confront this problem because it “means that I either go without passionate sex in my life, I bounce from relationship to relationship as new relationship energy fades or I find a relationship that allows me deep emotional connection while simultaneously experiencing a lustful physical connection.”

Well, we subs face the same dilemma. If we are committed to the belief that sex if for our women’s pleasure (and we certainly want them to have passionate sex), then we must either condemn them to go without passionate sex in their lives, leave them and encourage them to “bounce from relationship to relationship,” or encourage them to try to find passion with another love while retaining a deep emotional connection with us.

So, you see, based on what you are saying, if we are serious about our FLRs we are naturally obligated to explore if our woman are more like you or more unlike you so that we can appropriately support and empower them. That is fine. The whole purpose of my relationship at this point is to find ways to support and empower my woman. I am absolutely willing to do this work.

So, this leads me to some questions. I need your help. You say the inverse relationship between long term relationship and passion is notorious. But you have only offered your experience, where clearly Kev can no longer inspire passionate desire in you, and one guest columnist who got satisfaction in getting some “strange.”

Please share more about what you have learned. What do you mean by “notorious?” It happens enough to be of note? It happens more than people realize? It is likely to happen in many relationships? It is a truism? This question is, of course, focused on the woman’s perspective.

But I also have a question about some of your assertions relating to perspective of the man in regard to cuckolding. You note the importance of humiliation and playing on his inferiority. These are polite ways of saying that this kink works for you because you are degrading him. Filling this need for Kev goes a long way in justifying your sexual activity with other men.

I get that humiliation, consensual abuse, and degradation are generally a part of a level 4 FLR. But I just don’t see how these things can be part of a healthy growing relationship. Humiliation, consensual abuse, and degradation are well beyond compression. It seems to me that a man in this situation is either profoundly unhealthy and feels he deserves the degradation and therefore accepts it without any thought to improving his health, or one day his resentment will start to build and the relationship must rupture if he is to have a healthy level of self esteem.

We are not talking about playful teasing any longer. We are talking about concretely proving his inadequacy and inferiority and, in many instances, quite literally, rubbing it in is face.

How does telling your husband that you no longer desire passionate sex with him and regularly proving his sexual inferiority promote a deep and healthy emotional connection with him? Or, is it possible that he simply would rather live in a world where Emma degrades him than live in a world without degradation that has no Emma?

I ask these questions sincerely and respectfully because I am on an accelerating FLR journey of my own and I want to help navigate us to the best possible relationship for the two of us.

djv

First off, what the hell is mainstream kink? Second off, it’s your site, your blog, if someone doesn’t like what you write, it’s on them, not you. Not to mention, chastity is kink. FLRs are kink.
I’ve been involved in kink/bdsm lifestyle a long time. I’ve noticed a change in the lifestyle which is disappointing and disturbing: judgement.
There was an old saying that I don’t hear much anymore…
“My kink isn’t your kink, but your kink is ok with me”
I think it applies to this topic and discussion for sure

HappyCuckold

Emma, I am fascinated by the great diversity of kinks we humans are capable of. Like DJV, I don’t understand people objecting that discussing cuckolding is taking your blog too much into “mainstream kink.” As you point out, the other things you talk about, like chastity and pegging, are just as mainstream as cuckolding. In fact, I would argue it is inevitable that some people who are interested in enforced male chastity will be interested in cuckolding too because there is a similar power exchange aspect to both practices. I had to look up the three less mainstream kinks you mentioned, and I discovered that I am a macrophiliac! I do have sexual fantasies about diminutive men being dominated by gigantic women. I bet that lots of men with other FLR kinks have that one. Anyway, thanks again for your blog. I learn things from it.

Ron

Hello Emma,
Sorry to learn of the backlash you received recently due to your exploration of cuckolding. Your site, is about writing of your sexual exploration and sharing knowledge gained from it. Not all your readers are going to like what you do, but that is to be expected. Know your audience and write for them. Cuckolding isn’t about what you are doing to Kevin, but what you are doing together. If he didn’t enjoy it, I’m quite sure you would stop. 
I personally don’t have your lifestyle, but am fascinated by it, and perhaps fantasize a little. If you don’t like the word cuckoldress, label yourself as a Hotwife?
In the end, who cares what it is called, as long as you enjoy it. 

Dan_In_NC

Ms. Emma, thank you for another excellent and thought provoking post. I’m sure the thoughts you share are helpful to many others as they navigate their own relationships. This one lands close to home for me as I suspect cuckolding is in my near term future.

I’m sure my wife doesn’t view me sexually in any way like she did when we were in our twenties. I’m equally sure she thinks often about, as you described, more passionate and exciting sex. She’s young looking for her age and has a great figure. I have no doubt she could attract and bed a younger man if she chose to do so.

To this point in our marriage she has not (as far as I know) had sex with another man. Although some years ago she asserted and I agreed that she had the freedom to sleep with others if she wanted. She has often teased me about it. My sense was that this was mostly to get inside my head and remind me of my place in our relationship. But for a number of reasons that I won’t enumerate here I think cuckolding is soon to be my reality.

“Long term relationships are notoriously bad for the female sex drive”.

That really says something. I hadn’t thought of it that way. You are absolutely right. My wife isn’t getting what she needs from me. Her pleasure is an important priority for me. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. So her exercising her sexual freedom and getting what she wants and needs with other men is a positive thing for her and for our marriage.

I had been regarding this with trepidation. Your words have helped me begin to get my mind around the idea that I should be embracing this. That my hesitancy about it was motivated by my own selfishness. If I have a genuine commitment to my wife’s happiness and pleasure and well being then being fully supportive of her sexual freedom is the proper course.

I would be very interested in knowing more about Kev’s feelings and how he deals with his emotions and how he constructively supports you in these matters. As one who is at the beginning of the road I’d appreciate learning from someone who has been there.

TeacHerTricks

I’m personally experienced with, and supportive of, non-monogamy as a potential relationship paradigm for those wired that way. I absolutely do NOT advocate it as the ‘right’ option, or a solution for issues typical in all relationships (ie: loss of desire).

Emma, I’m concerned by your statements like this:

An deeply connected emotional partner is the textbook definition of the friend zone and my husband is my most near and dear emotional partner. I don’t desire passionate sex with him but I do crave emotional connection, intimacy and closeness with him.

I’m of the strong opinion that non-monogamy should not be used to compensate for a loss of passion in an established primary relationship. The suggestion that relationships fall into either emotional or physical fulfillment is a fallacy. I’m disappointed to hear that, seemingly from the get-go of your marriage, you’ve already started on a path of both accepting the idea that passion is a lost cause in your marriage, and the act of shifting passionate intimacy onto other people.

As said, I support non-monogamy. I’m an active member in a community that includes hotwifing and cuckolding. I’m well versed in alternative relationship dynamics as an experienced male dominant. and I’ve personally been in the role of a dom ‘bull’ with a cuckolding couple. Whenever I find out that the primary couple’s relationship has degenerated (or is degenerating) into a friend-zone, non-passionate relationship, that sends up major red flags for me.

Emma, if you truly are feeling waning passion for your husband, I recommend temporarily hitting pause on the non-monogamy and working to find ways to remedy this. The rapidness that this came on, coupled with the intensity of other areas of interest you’ve described in your relationships, makes me concerned you’re chasing intense, novel experiences for the dopamine, which is unsustainable and potentially dangerous.

I recognize you still have intimacy with your husband in the forms you’ve described, but that doesn’t counter the words you’ve written. Those intimacy acts within your marriage are still happening, for now, but if the sentiment of your words is true, that (permissive?) attitude will linger and those acts will fade. Without passion, physical re-connection/reclamation takes a lower and lower priority over time, and you’ll find yourselves going longer periods without any deeper degrees of intimacy.

Essentially, a lack of physical passion in a primary relationship puts you on a slippery slope when engaging in non-monogamy, towards which the relationship approaches something resembling little more than a deep friendship. In a power-exchange scenario especially, the asymmetry of that result (1 partner still experiences requited passion, the other has been deprived of it) leads to resentment, and the relationship becomes unsustainable.

It is not inevitable for long-term relationships to lose their passion, and it is incorrect to think you must accept it as an irresistible inevitability. Believing it makes it easy to validate chasing NRE with the belief that it’s ‘passion’ you’re getting, but you’re actually just social-engineering more dopamine releases at the potential cost of your marriage.

TeacHerTricks

I appreciate your sincere response. I would say it communicates how high of a priority you take your relationship with your husband, which is great (and something I think your readers probably already expected lol).

That is an interesting idea. I’ve been giving your questions some though and I’ll send you an email as soon as I have some free time.

HappyCuckold

Emma, I think you make a really important point about cuckolding. When it works, it works because it is exciting and fun for both partners. If it doesn’t feel sexy and fun, it won’t work. My wife’s style was different from yours. I never saw my wife having sex with other men because she preferred sex to be one on one. But we both had fun on the days she had dates. I would assist her in bathing and shaving her legs and pubic area. Then she would model different panties or lingerie so I could help her decide which items her date would find sexiest. When she was dressed and made up, she would kiss me goodbye, tell me she loved me, and admonish me to be a good boy, meaning I should resist the temptation to masturbate while she was away. Believe me, I would be so aroused the whole time that it took some willpower to be “a good boy”. When she got home, she would often reward me by telling me how good the sex was with the other guy and doling out some light hearted small penis humiliation while giving me a hand job. I had the best orgasms of my life that way. I know this wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but for us it was sexy and fun.

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