This blog is intended to be a followup to my popular “What is the appeal of a hotwife relationship“. While it should read just fine as a standalone blog, I think reading the previous blog will help frame where my perspective is coming from. I’ll start by defining a Hotwife relationship as a relationship where the woman is free to play with multiple partners and the man is typically not although sometimes the man is allowed to play. There truly are no rules when it comes to your relationship aside from the rules that you define together.
I am still coming to terms with the word cuckold because of the negative connotation but many hotwife relationships do veer toward a cuckold dynamic but don’t let that dissuade you from taking it there. Kev and I find that he really enjoys the space that a cuckold experience puts him mentally. I’ve learned to enjoy many parts of the cuckold fantasy and it feels real in the moment and extremely empowering.
The hotwife or cuckold fantasy is often brought up by the husband because of the fantasy and the inherent hotness of watching his partner with another person. For many this can and should just stay a fantasy. Here are 10 reasons why the cuckold fantasy can be unhealthy for your relationship. For other relationships namely those with excellent communication, a cuckold or hotwife dynamic can be an enormous boost to the emotional bond. His desire to see you with others can have many motivations but boosting self esteem and sexual self image is usually paramount in the motivation for both partners. His desire to see you desire another and be desired by another may not only be validation of his love for you but one of the strongest ways for him to show you that he puts you first in all things.
Cuckolding my husband makes him want to be a better partner
We’ve been playing in this dynamic for a few months now and we’ve experienced challenges, some of which I’ve blogged about and some of which we’ve worked out between ourselves. When he knows that I am communicating with another or perhaps I was with another the night before, he opens doors for me, he is kinder to me, he is a better listener and so much more. We grow comfortable with each other and take one another for granted, knowing that the man I was with last night put his best foot forward motivates my husband to put his best foot forward on a daily basis.
My husband is a cuckold
I’ve been apprehensive about the word cuckold in the past but I think it perfectly defines a man who strives to satisfy his wife by allowing her to experience the affection of others. The line between hotwife and cuckold is very faint at times but the cuckold aspect usually involves some sort of humiliation. The humiliation is absolutely key to the success of this sort of relationship but it isn’t for everyone. Humiliation does one very important thing, it moves this relationship from a reality into a world of fantasy. I love to be dominant and Kev loves to be submissive to my desires. Teasing and humiliation only serves to add to the other aspects of our relationship that share this common vein. Without humiliation he struggles to feel important and finds it challenging to feel like he is part of the picture. With a hotwife scenario, the wife goes off on her own and plays however with a cuckold scenario the husband is either present or a very large part of the aftercare. As an example, I had a friend over last weekend for some wonderful BBQ that Kev cooked for us. After eating, I asked both boys to drop their shorts revealing that Kev is of course locked for #locktober. My friend of course knew this and truly enjoyed playing along with my fantasy. I proceeded to explain how I wish I could play with both of them but I didn’t want to spoil locktober. A huge amount of cuckolding is theatrical but I’ll be damned if I don’t get into the theatrics quickly. I don’t know if I enjoyed the reactions that I got from teasing Kev or playing with my friend more. “Oh you poor thing, just sit back and watch while I take care of his unlocked cock. I bet you wish yours was unlocked so you could feel these lips on you.”
Cuckolding can feel like work but it can also be very fun
Being a hotwife amounts to one sided consensual non-monogamy but cuckolding takes it a step further and wraps the whole thing into a neat little package. Every experience for us is not a cuckold experience but some are and we greatly enjoy the variety of both types. Some of the experiences involve Kev sleeping on the couch while I play in peace but our connection when I throw in the extra cuckolding effort is second to none. Sometimes he is sitting beside us on the bed and sometimes I send him photos while he is at work. Marriage is work but it is also incredibly fun and including my husband as in integral part of the amazing fantasy lifestyle is key to us both feeling the rewards that this lifestyle has to offer. Being demanding and borderline dominant is a tenet of a cuckold experience. As a self described switch, I want to be dominated and pursued and also dominate but rarely at the same time or within the same encounter. I need to get into a cuckoldress mindset and as a planner, I need to at least have a concept of how I want the evening to play out. Creativity and stretching boundaries are things that you might want to premeditate. Be bold and be shocking, the greater the shock value the more intense the experience for all of you. Make sure that your playmate (boyfriend, bull or whatever name you use for your third) is into the scenario and consider cluing him in on the scenario before you let loose on your poor unsuspecting cuck. The art is making him feel inferior within a fantasy experience that can easily be discussed and enjoyed after the experience is over. Sometimes I can be mean: “Sit in the chair and watch me fuck a real man”. Other times I can invoke pity: “Oh you poor thing, I wish you weren’t locked so you could enjoy this as much as I am going to. Just another 15 days left of Locktober my love!” Regardless, it is a game that we enjoy together and we are extremely intentional about reversing the fantasy afterwards. We do not live a cuckold lifestyle but we enjoy cuckold fantasies together and there is an enormous distinction between the two.
I am new to it all
I haven’t blogged too much about our most recent hotwife and cuckold experiences but we’ve been playing on a fairly regular basis. Every experience is followed by intense conversation about our likes, dislikes and what we found arousing. It is easy to feel guilt around taking control but realize that taking control transforms the experience for both of you. While I’ve found great enjoyment in most everything we’ve done together, I’ve learned that a hotwife experience can be very one sided but the cuckold experience brings the fantasy home and allows it to be an US experience instead of a ME experience. Remember that once said, some things cannot be easily unsaid so keep your teasing around things that you are both comfortable with. SPH (small penis humiliation) and perhaps the feelings of lust that you feel toward a new partner that have faded toward your cucky boy. I’m getting more comfortable with the term as time goes on but realize that I use it as a term of endearment to my love. This is new to us and as with many things, it may just be a phase but so far we seem to both enjoy it.
The art of the re-connection is the absolute most essential part of cuckolding, hotwife or non-monogamy of any kind. There are several times when we haven’t taken the time to reconnect and we are like strangers in the same house. The connection shared with another REPLACES the connection between us for a period of time and that is all well and good but it is temporary. My husband is my forever, my emotional rock and the reason that I am able to enjoy a pure physical connection with another. Showing him that a physical bond is no substitute for a true emotional connection can feel unnatural and even awkward sometimes but I make the effort each and every time because he is so incredibly important to me. His compassionate love and compersion is the only reason that we are able to experiment with this lifestyle together.
A reconnection can take several forms but our favorite is for Kev to go down on me before I give him some very touchy feely pegging. Lots of verbal reassurance when he is in that truly vulnerable state, scratching my fingers down his back while I tell him that he is my one and only true love. A deep intimacy with candle light, no distractions and phones silenced or turned off. He is my one and only and he deserves to feel that way. When you are with another, a man’s mind feels like something has been taken from him. Until that something is given back, there is no peace and the mind runs rampant with sexual hyperbole. If you cannot make a genuine effort and set aside time for re-connection then this is not for you. Over the years of writing this blog, I’m rarely prescriptive anymore but I’ll prescribe that one as completely essential and your duty as a partner. Take that one to the bank.
A respected member of this site suggested the three book series entitled DNA Of A Cuckold as good reading for those entering this lifestyle and trying to understand what men and women get from this unique dynamic.
How has your non-monogamy experience been? Have you tried a cuckold fantasy or do you prefer to keep humiliation out of the bedroom? Let me know in the comments below.
I guess I am more in the consensual non-monogamy / hotwife camp rather than the cuckold camp. In your situation you aptly describe how the additional element of humiliation adds to the experience. Being closer and more intimate with your partner is the important thing. I celebrate any successful method people use to achieve that end. My wife and I are not practicing any non-monogamy, but I am open to it, even if it is excusive to her. I am all in on her sexual satisfaction and her freedom to explore sex with any partner she chooses.
We tried both ways and when I would go off for an experience, it was like my encounter didn’t include Kev and he had trouble feeling like he was part of it. When he was included as part of the experience, it made things feel more whole. I agree with your comment “I celebrate any successful method people use to achieve that end.”
It is all about that connection and keeping it alive, primary and unthreatened in both of our minds.
It is definitely about connection. I love that. Get it however and as much as you can. Use what is right for you both. No one else has to understand.
My beloved Wife Karin and I have a non-typical relationship that we call “FLR-Poly.” While we generally don’t use any of these terms to define our relationship, at various times She is a Cuckoldress, a Hotwife, the better half of a Swing Couple, and occasionally a Cuckquean. One thing that is constant in our relationship: She is in control.
Karin has always been a Sexually Liberated Woman, going back to long before I knew Her – She came of age in the 1970s. I accepted Her openness and non-monogamous lifestyle when I agreed to our first date. She laid all Her cards on the table then. I was so taken by Her, I agreed to it all and I have no regrets whatsoever.
I confirmed my commitment both to Her, and Her lifestyle, when we married back in 2018. Karin wrote special wedding vows for us. Part of those vows, for both of us, were to share our partner without jealousy. My vows also included that I was to obey Her. Her vows had no reciprocal component.
To try to put Her into the box that is monogamy just because we are married would be akin to tearing the wings off a butterfly. Or trying to feed a vegan diet to a tiger. Or something equally cruel, destructive and/or unnatural.
I have to say that Karin is far more comfortable with the consensual non-monogamy part of our relationship. She allows me to ask Her permission to sleep with other women, but I rarely do.
Early next year, we will have been together for 12 years, and married for five. All of them happy. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else but Karin.
PS. Your description of reconnection pegging gave me goosebumps.
I love the way you describe Karin’s communication, I think we can all take a note from putting everything on the table and be open and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Thank you.
I “chalk up” Karin’s amazing communication skills to Her being a retired teacher. She is wonderfully calm and soft-spoken, with a quiet confidence that commands respect and obedience. When it’s just the two of us together, we can talk about our deepest feelings freely and openly. It is beautiful.
This is basically where my wife are at as well. I consider myself extremely fortunate. We practice cuckold, but we also sometimes swing as a couple. Some don’t understand it,and that’s okay. We don’t need others approval, we need each others approval and understanding. The last year has shown us one key point: monogamy was not working for us. We have spent a year, trying different things, thinking one particular way would be it. Instead, we have found that we like the lifestyle in general. We take the parts we enjoy, when amd how we wish to enjoy them, and leave what we do not care for. She’s a happy wife, I am happy hubby. Simple as that
“Some of the experiences involve Kev sleeping on the couch while I play in peace but our connection when I throw in the extra cuckolding effort is second to none.”
Wow, Kev has really come a long way. I remember that blog you put up when your first your dabbling in consensual non-monogamy where he was frustrated when you played with your lover while he remained locked. It seems this is now a scenario that he finds arousing.
“Teasing and humiliation only serves to add to the other aspects of our relationship that share this common vein. Without humiliation he struggles to feel important and finds it challenging to feel like he is part of the picture.”
This is the first time I’ve heard it put to words like that and is a very honest and reflective perspective he’s putting forward. My question is, since you say it’s kind of role play, is it more effective if he feels it’s partially true? Like for example if you feel the man is a better lover, better endowed or fulfilling a feeling of lust that is no longer a big part of the relationship.
“ A reconnection can take several forms but our favorite is for Kev to go down on me before I give him some very touchy feely pegging.”
I’ve heard of reconnecting or ‘reclaiming’ before but this is the first I’ve heard that it is done through pegging. I’ve only heard it done through PIV sex, was it a conscious decision to not take that route to keep that submissive state of mind or was there another reason?
We’ve both grown a great deal in our nonmonogamy experience and it has been a very slow process with many missteps. I’ve hesitated to blog about it for quite some time just because I didn’t want to give bad advice. I feel like we are finally on healthy footing although we certainly have much to learn.
Re-connection through pegging is wonderful! It is such a vulnerable state for him and he is so receptive to my loving words of affirmation. He doesn’t question me and my sincerity, there is something about that state which allows him a level of deep unquestioning trust.
We have been increasingly involved in the lifestyle for a year now. We started with swinging, and that has more or less become a cuckold relationship. I’ve been pretty quiet about it all on here, because of negativity that has been launched about by various people about the subject. Honestly, at this point, I dont care. We haven’t been this connected in or out of the bedroom, in our 10+ years together. For us, its been a hell of a ride but worth it. I dont think we could ever go back, to where we were, even if we wanted to try, and we don’t. It has changed us and our relationship. She is far more comfortable with her sexuality and I cant be any happier or happier for her. Seeing her completely satisfied sexually is the most humbling and rewarding experience at the same time. I love her to the moon and love our life together.
Women that lean toward the dominant side, are confident with their sexuality and feel very safe with their partner are most likely to enjoy cuckolding. Many women are afraid it means their man doesn’t love them, or that he is trying to justify cheating on her, and that can be very scary and other women just have no interest. Society tells us that this sort of thing is wrong so there are things to overcome.
The idea of getting permission to slut it up and literally rub it in hubby’s face is pretty exciting once the flood gates are open. His face while you suck another man. His eyes when you tell him to sit in the corner and watch you suck a big man’s dick. His gasp when that big dick slides inside you and you make eye contact with him. His heartbeat when you tell him that this man reached places that he never will.
We started with a swinger type experience and then I told him that I was going to continue but he was not, it immediately set the stage for my dominant type of cuckold love for my husband. We never looked back honestly. It is key that you are his only sexual outlet so no girlfriends or lovers and certainly no solo masturbation for him.
It can be healthy to have a boyfriend or guy on the side but moving things to a cuckold level with your husband takes it to a level 10 I can’t even explain it. Honestly not many men can keep up with a woman in her prime with a high sexual drive.
Ms, a few other terms I have heard are both Modern Non Monogamy for obvious reasons and Modern Monogamy because in this modern form it is never expected for the Female to be monogamous, the male is the only possible candidate monogamy