The fact that you are even asking how you can be a better husband speaks volumes. In this blog you will find conventional wisdom supplemented some unconventional ways to be a better partner. Being the best husband is ultimately about waking up every morning and making a conscious decision to be a wonderful partner. The simple and continual desire to be better will almost guarantee your success. If you’ve been around the site a while, you know that most of my blogs are written to a woman who is trying to help her husband. This blog is different than most and is for husbands who want to be a better partner. Let’s start by asking why. What about her makes you strive to do better; to be better? So let’s get on to your question.
How can I be a good husband?
The fact that you are even trying shows that you have the desire to be a good husband. You have the desire to be a better partner. Let’s talk about what most men want from a marriage. A best friend, an emotional safe space, respect, support, encouragement, vulnerability and physical intimacy. Guess what fellas, we want the exact same things! We mix the order up a bit and there is an interesting outlier in the list; respect. Not the Aretha Franklin song but feelings that your wife respects you. You earn her respect when you consistently consider and value her feelings. When you make time for her, introduce her to others, never hide things from her and you take care of yourself physically. The needs of men and women aren’t that different really. There are many ways that we differ but
Where do we differ?
Men are problem solvers by nature and women often just want to be heard. Helping us solve our problems can actually seem unsupportive.
What about courtship?
Courtship is that thing you did when you were getting to know her. You took her out to dinner, you held the door for her. She was the object of your affection and the center of your attention. During that time you would actively try to impress her with your jokes, conversational banter and skills.
All he wants is sex!
Men get a bad rap for wanting sex all of the time. We raise boys and tell them not to show emotions and never to cry. We actively push boys to hide their emotions and tell them that real men don’t have emotions. Guess what, women want a man who can share emotions with her. Common parenting doesn’t set men up to be successful partners. Men who accept the emotionless, stoic lie will never be good partners until they adapt. Humans are not emotionless, humans are full of a wide range of exciting emotions from high highs to low lows. A partner wants to experience that roller coaster of emotions with you as a partner. To have a emotionally fulfilling relationship, you should both be fully engaged in your marriage and neither of you should be an observer.
Your body seeks sexual supply.
Your body is hard-wired to reproduce, you do want sex and there are biological reasons why you do. You want to eat, drink, sleep and reproduce. You won’t be changing that anytime soon so you need to change the details of your supply by creating a supply scarcity If you aren’t hungry, you won’t go out hunting to capture food. If you aren’t thirsty, you won’t seek a water source to quench your thirst. If you don’t feel like your sexual supply is scarce or threatened then you won’t seek to protect or strengthen it. Removing sex from your relationship doesn’t seem like a feasible way to improve your marriage so how can you trick your body into thinking that your supply of sex is at risk? A fight will make you feel some uncertainty, you may even buy some flowers to fix whatever caused the fight. Constant fighting won’t be a solid marriage plan although we all know couples who seem to subscribe to it.
You must be crazy if you think I’ll give up my orgasms!
Nobody is asking you to give up your orgasms, all I am suggesting is that you look at sex differently. See sex as a journey and not a destination. When the finish line isn’t in sight, your sex will turn from an awkward thrustfest to passionate melding of two bodies. Most men really struggle with this and they do need help from their partner. First to understand the why behind the change and second to support him by holding him accountable for each and every one of his orgasms. Most men masturbate far too frequently for this to be remotely effective. The orgasm is the supply and frequent self-love removes the requirement of any sort of emotional connection with your partner. Sex can (and should) end without orgasm some of the time. A couple that experiences that simmer-down period together has a wonderful opportunity to connect and communicate with each other.
How can we trick your body?
If your body thinks that you are not getting sex, your innate desire to court her will return. Your attention will focus on her. How can you trick your body into thinking that you aren’t getting sex but still get sexual stimulation that you need to have a fulfilling relationship? The trick is to control and minimize your orgasm. Western culture has conditioned us to believe that sex=orgasm at least when it comes to men. If a man ends a sex session without an orgasm, the woman is some sort of blue ball inducing monster. Orgasms feel great but they also release hormones that tell us all is well and quench your thirst for sexual supply. The trick is to experience a fantastic sex but stop short of experiencing an orgasm. This seems crazy since we see male orgasm as the finish line to a sexual experience but what if it wasn’t? What if the finish line to sexual experience was some cuddling and perhaps her reassuringly resting her hand on his penis until he got soft once again.
Manipulating Sexual Supply
There are a good number of popular sexual fetishes that are exciting because they threaten our sexual supply. From male chastity to cuckolding, our fantasies manifest your body’s obsession with sexual supply. Threesomes with two women and a male offer an abundance of sexual supply for the male and the inverse with two males and a female offer a shortage of sexual supply for the males. Have you ever watched porn about wife sharing or cuckolding? Both of these fetishes sexualize the threat of losing your mate. This can lead to feelings of perceived sexual shortage. The rush of watching your partner with another man has the potential to give intense feelings of jealousy and even anger. On the flip side of that coin, closely bonded partners can overcome those initial emotions and focus on their partner experiencing joy and pleasure.
Male chastity on the other hand quite literally gives the keys to your penis to your partner and gives her (or him) ultimate control of your sexual pleasure. This level of intense trust takes some getting used to but it can be intensely rewarding.
Fetishes like these can be liberating and empowering for the female but require intense discussion before embarking down this road. Realize that this will only amplify resentment and anger in the relationship if it exists already.
By manipulating the male sexual perception of supply and accessibility, we can gamify the male body to think it is always in a state of courtship. That courtship phase is what gives the female relationship and sexual confidence. This is a wonderful cycle that keeps her emotionally satisfied and sexually charged as if she is always entering a new relationship with new relationship energy (NRE).
If you are reading this blog and looking for next steps, I would highly recommend male chastity. Read some other blogs on this site about chastity and the nearly immediate impact they can have on your relationship. Once you find a properly fitted cage and introduce chastity into your relationship, it is unlikely that the cage will spend much time on the shelf. A couple that incorporates chastity into their relationship has a fun, sexually playful secret that is unlikely to breach trust or cause problems like some other options. It will not only boost her sexual confidence in a significant way but it will trick your brain into thinking that you are in some sort of sex famine. Within just a few days, you will be giving her unsolicited massages and offering unsolicited oral sex. Seemingly overnight, you will be come a better and more engaged listener. Is chastity a miracle cure for a troubled relationship? Chastity won’t resolve any deep conflicts but it will smooth the waters out and help the two of you talk through any major challenges that you may have. What kind of man would give up orgasms and allow his wife to completely control the sexual aspect of their relationship? The kind of man that has wonderfully intimate relationship with a woman that he can call his best friend, that’s who. What do you have to lose? You might like it.
Our bodies are complex but our core desires really aren’t. Our core needs as men and women are only slightly different and I am convinced that much of that is due to the nurture side of the nature/nurture conversation. If I ever have children, I’ll be doing my best to raise an emotionally aware boy or girl. We spend years in school to learn how to count, read and write but no time to learn about the complex animals that we are. If you decide that you want to dive in headfirst, share some blogs with your wife so she comes from a place of understanding and partnership. Then hop into our forums and tell us your story!
Questions or comments? Leave them below!