Ask Emma

Ask Emma: Reclaiming after my boyfriend visits.

I (F38) am married to my husband (M40) and have a boyfriend (M33) who comes over and visits a few times a month. He (boyfriend) is in an open marriage, we met him and his wife in our church study group if you can believe that! We hit things off well and they told us about their open marriage and I found it very interesting. I grew up with a strong religious faith in the household and this sort of thing was never discussed. We would stay after our church group meetings and discuss our relationships over a glass of wine or three. It came out eventually that my husband sometimes experiences issues with ED and he is self conscious about it. Boyfriend jokingly said, well I can help with that! We all laughed but that is when my energy shifted to allow this crazy idea into my head.

It was a slippery slope from there and eventually the two of us went out for drinks alone with the consent of our spouses. We quickly learned that we had a spark of sexual energies and decided to approach my husband about taking things a step further. He was reluctant at first but his objections were not religious, they were fearful and he was anxious about being replaced. I assured him that it wasn’t like that and I completely dropped the subject. Lo and behold a few days later my husband brought it up and said that he wanted to try but did not want to be there.

Now to our current situation and I am sorry for this question being so long, I’m almost there. We don’t have a set schedule but I ring the boyfriend up when I am feeling a certain way that can only be fed by the alpha dominance that he can provide. It amounts to about once or twice a month but sometimes more depending on how much stress I have in my life. Stress shuts down my sex drive completely so we have some dry spells when life is complex.

During my boyfriend’s visits, my husband is usually in the kitchen making dinner or watching television in the family room. When my boyfriend leaves, my husband is pleasant but you can tell he has anxiety and second guesses the entire situation. Only natural of course. I know that he needs and deserves some aftercare so I will lie down with him and give him verbal affirmations of my love for him. I’ll even give him some physical attention but rarely sexual. Several nights ago he asked me to go down on him I told him that I’d go down on him but only if he goes down on me. He looked into my eyes and without words being said, gave me the best oral sex I think I’ve ever had. I found my eyes rolling back into my head and I knew it was due to the wonderful lovemaking I enjoyed with my boyfriend followed by this pleasureful tongue of my loving husband. What it meant more to me is the acceptance of my situation with my boyfriend and this relaxed me. This gave me a sense of peace and calm in an area that has been a source of concern since I know what we are doing is wrong in the eyes of my faith. When he went down on me, it felt like he was telling me in the most comforting of ways that he accepts me and he accepts this as our lifestyle. It tells me that I am on a pedestal and that our marriage is indispensable to him. I nearly passed out from the orgasm that followed and finally I get to my question. I haven’t seen much talk about reclaiming after experiences but reclaiming is one of the most powerful forms of acceptance that I’ve come to experience since we married. My husband reclaiming me on that particular day was unquestionably more pleasurable than the lovemaking with my boyfriend. I want to share and ask you and your readers about reclaiming and what it means to them.

Anonymous Man Evolver

Hi Anonymous Man Evolver! This is a wonderful story and it mirrors experiences and thoughts I’ve had. That acceptance and affirmation is comforting, heartwarming and removes guilt and relationship anxiety completely. I too agree that reclaiming is important because it shows both partners true acceptance and a deep love. It should be stated that reclaiming and reconnecting are very different. Reclaiming is a typically sexual act which is done to take back the sexual energy while reconnecting as a mostly emotional experience of the couple coming back together and finding their strength. That is not to say that reconnecting is not physical, in my relationship it typically is.

In the hotwife or cuckold world, the female loans herself to another for the purpose of her sexual satisfaction. Note that it should be very clear that the man is not loaning the woman, she is not his property. She is loaning her sexuality to another man with the understanding and consent of her husband. While this may seem like a small detail, it is an important distinction to make.

Reclaiming consists of the male being sexual with the female to bring the focus of sexual energy back to the primary couple. Now this is purely psychological and the female was never truly owned by another while she was away. In fact, I find myself thinking of Kev often while I am playing with others, it is only natural for my mind to drift. The concept of reclaiming is interesting and I’d argue not necessary for all couples depending on the dynamic and level of comparability with the situation. New couples should absolutely practice reclaiming as it reasserts the male’s claim and will be a wonderful way to reduce anxieties surrounding a new sexual dynamic.


More seasoned couples may still wish to reclaim however it might seem less and less important as time goes on. This is in contrast to reconnecting and aftercare which are far more important. It is interesting that reclaiming in your message was oral. Reclaiming is typically vanilla sex, missionary position and just a simple reminder of the primary bond. It may be oral in your situation due to the presence of ED but I think him placing his mouth where your lover’s parts had been is a beautiful affirmation of acceptance. Reclaiming shows that things between the couple remain constant and unchanged despite whatever happened and will bring much confidence back to even the most questioning of partners. Reclaiming isn’t just for the man, it is wonderful for the wife as well. While she may have been satisfied by another, allowing an additional sexual experience from her husband will bring security and affirmation of love from her primary partner. Reclaiming for some couples may be the only way allow both partners to fully enjoy their cuckold/hotwife type experiences.

For scenarios where an ejaculation happened inside of her, the proximity of the male to the other man’s seed may be deeply arousing. For other men, they may choose to wear a condom to prevent fluid contact. Others may choose to do oral sex in this sort of situation to clean the woman up prior to penetrative sex. Regardless of method, reclaiming should be about reclaiming intimacy and shifting emotional energy and not about reclaiming you as an object that is passed from one man to another. You are of course not an object to be passed around but a beautiful human full of desires and feelings.


Reclaiming and aftercare for some couples may be as important as the rules they establish with the sexual experience. The fact that you stated your husband’s reclaiming was more pleasurable than the experience with your boyfriend is especially poignant. While it might not be the case every time, this is a strong reminder of just how big of a part of sex is emotional. Don’t forget your emotional needs everybody!



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I enjoyed the Q&A and this is another interesting piece. My curiosity has been hungering for another blog. Sometimes bouts of insomnia pay off.

I have always had difficulty with the word “reclaiming” in any CNM scenario and continued to do so until the end of your response. I loathe the idea of another person having dominion over anothers body or mind. I like the term “reclaiming”, when combined with the couple’s intimacy and sexual energy. Thinking in those terms allows me to see the beauty in those acts and their role to aid in aftercare and reconnection of the couple.


I took that meaning by the end and see the value and the need.

Trophy Husband

Hope we all agree the “Reclaiming” is her reclaiming her dominance of over him. A creampie clean up has to be the pinnacle of her Reclamation.

Trophy Husband

Thank you Emma for your reply

I don’t feel like I’m reclaiming her in my FLR. My wife is reclaiming her dominance over me after she’s been with her Bull or a dominant male. She has just loaned her body to another man. She desires to return to me and show me the evidence by feel, smell and taste that she has chosen to give her body to another man. She’s reclaiming or reminding me of her dominance in the relationship. Its about getting her back into Alpha after being submissive. Just my experience.


I like their arrangement for meeting at home. My role as the husband is to be a gracious host. My guest is here to bring pleasure and joy to my beloved. Welcoming, friendly and aware when my presence would be a distraction. Once he has departed, she should have no worries; the dishes are done and the husband is ready to take his turn at making it her night.

In another forum I have described the first time I performed oral on my wife right after sex with our visitor. She was standing ready to shower. I dropped to my knees and licked her from behind. The urge to do this was primal and compulsive. I’ve come to realize this a demonstration of love, lust driven, that reaffirms my devotion to her. Re-connect is a more fitting term.


We have an adult son at home and therefore cannot host. We have had times when I was present, but never in our home. We have discussed this, and look forward to being empty nesters soon, lol
My wife has come to expect me to perform oral on her afterwards. To her, it is an act of submission and love rolled into one, by me. At first, I was squeamish, but now it’s just part of what we love about reconnecting time and I love it


Our time after she has been on a play date is amazing. I personally want to hear every detail, and we have, together, figured out what works for us to make the reconnection time better for us. The sex is generally the most intense we have ever had. The passion between us is extremely high. Recently, we incorporated me being part of her getting ready to go on her date and this also was a huge turn on, not just for me, but her as well…which led to a very intense reclaiming experience. I do think the term, reclaiming comes more from a hotwife perspective than cuckold….where in the husband is more dominant and sees the act as his wife is more property that he chooses to share. Cuckold is an exact opposite of that and is definitely a Female dominant act. The term does not bother either of us, however. She has used it herself on occasion, sometimes as a way to get me even more turned on and wanting her “back” even more than usual after her times with others. I think that once my wife understood that my kink was cuckold (as well as me accepting that it was MY kink) she began to believe that I needed the reclaiming time and wanted to know what made me tick for that to be a better experience; which in turn, allows her to enjoy the lifestyle much more now. It also has helped her understand her role as the dominant sexual partner and is blossoming as such. Win/win for us as a couple.


That sounds really awesome and super healthy way to go about your individual relationship. To often you hear the cuckolds side of things and it reads like a dirty story but the way you describe your experience shows how both you and your wife are detecting your energy towards one another and what a loving connection that affords you both.


Acceptance is to me the key feature for a cuckold to make that kind of raltionship work. Reclaiming is not the way to go in my opinion because it is triggerd by negative and/or anxiety feelings. Next to the mental and emotional excercise of accepting that your girlfriend/wifes has sex with another guy there is also the physiolgical/biological aspect of it. My reclaiming shifted to acceptance indeed as somebody else mentioned here on the moment I went down on my girlfriend after she had unprotected sex with her lover. It was a sign from me to her that it was ok to me that she was seeing her lover to take away a feeling of guilt/embarassement of her towards me. It was also a kind of present for me to her. I think one of the most precious presents I ever gave to a woman. Not only it was a kind of factual confirmation instead of only verbal OK. I gave to her that I was ok to share her, give her away to another man, give up being the number one, giving up partly my manlyness (in my eyes) and also giving up a part of my pleasures (orgasms) with her. So I went down on her, smelled and tasted her lover and must say that it excited me in a very special way. I also got a boner what I do not experience very often because of the poor performance of my penis the latest months. She also noticed that I had a quite harder erection and for a much longer time then I usualy do. For her it was also the factual confirmation I was ok with our lovetriangle and my cuckoldstatus. That first time that I went down on her after she was filled with the cum of her lover I managed to make her cum in a way we never experienced. When she orgasmed and was having convulsions in her lower body a cosiderable amount of the semen of her lover came out of her. I licked and swallowed every drop and this was as a kind of taking my virginity as cuck and new bond between us. For me but also for her it was a very special moment and made our lovetriangle complete. The further level was sucking her lover’s penis and the time that he penetrated me and also dit cum in me. Since then the circle or triangle is perfect and I can say that there was never a better complicity between her and myself. We are bound by the same semen biochemically… It only happened once but that was enough and when the time and conditons are right and that we want to do it all three that is very ok to us. Nowadays she mostly makes me cum before she goes seeing her lover and we cuddle when she comes back. In the mean time my sexuality shifted to alternative ways how to orgasm and I also apreciate more and more the mental aspects of sexuality.


Emma I just wanted to say I am really enjoying your blog, the perspective and the education. Thank you!


As someone that has experienced being Cuckolded by my loving wife with well over 100 different men reclaiming was a non negotiable part of our relationship working for me. We were each others firsts and I had and have no desire to be with other women but my wife was robbed of a healthy relationship with sex growing up, do to an abusive home. I was able to see long before her that she needed sexual experience outside of our loving marriage to gain sexual confidence and be able to set her self free to truly enjoy all the pleasure that her body was able to give and receive. Now Back to the point at hand reclaiming I think for any man that is thinking about any form of cuckolding you will be making a ton of sacrifices for your wife’s pleasure which I think is a beautiful and caring thing. If you want to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your wife reclaiming is where the sacrifices should stop. Even if you are her sub at ever other sexual setting reclaiming is exactly what it sounds like reclaim her passionately be dominant put her own her heels show her no matter how big or handsome or new any other man in the world can be you are the one who allowed her the safety to have that experience and you will always fuck her the best. I know what your thinking “but I can’t” and there in lies your problem the only reason that is true is bc you believe it to be true. So how will you build sexual confidence while your wife is going out and getting her brain fuck out by a more well hung lover you ask? By using the same methods Emma speaks about hormones and mental space. Your wife hopefully will be coming home from 1 of her greatest sexual experiences so her hormones will be going wild and if the bull did his job she should be dick drunk. Now is your time to rewire her brain to associate all of those good feelings towards you and not her new lover. The best part is he already did the heavy lifting for you and your wife. She will be flooded with bonding hormones and so very sensitive from the vigorous session you will be pent up beyond belief and ready to pounce. All you have to do is let nature take its corse listen to your primal needs to have her right there and then don’t use words at all if it’s not absolutely necessary and if you need to speak shot declarative statements “ bend over now” this will serve to keep her off balance and not let her get in the mind space of this is my safe reliable husband. So once you have her in the position take what you want from her be forceful smack her ass pull her hair leave a hickey somewhere it will be seen. If your wife is anything like mine her mind will be blown she will cum harder with you then any of the orgasms she had with her lover bc the love you guys share is the thing no one else can give her but you. And once you finish and I’d recommend not doing that until you have given her multiple orgasms on your dick no where else that’s when you rap your arms around her make her feel small and safe and
then let the reconnection begin.

P.S. I very much enjoy the Emma’s writing and find her straightforward approach very insightful. I’m just a guy with a different experience in the lifestyle and i actually was inspired by things I read on this blog to do some research and figure out what emotions and hormones where at play with both my wife and my self that had us on a similar path as Kevin and Emma until we reached cuckolding and then diverted in such extremely opposite direction.


I reclaim my wife / Mistress after her dates. I am not allowed penetrative sex with her only oral. She has me locked 24/7. I help get her ready for her dates, then I drive her there. I pick her back up and bring her home. I perform oral on her to reclaim her, she lets me know about how well hung her dates are. Then we kiss and cuddle then go to sleep. Her dates are usually bi men. Now she wants me to feel what a real man feels like not just her strap on. She says she will ” Facilitate and Support ” my bi sexual training with one of her dates. She wants me to be bi-sexual now. I find it kind of exciting.

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