Ask Emma

Ask Emma: Reclaiming after my boyfriend visits.

I (F38) am married to my husband (M40) and have a boyfriend (M33) who comes over and visits a few times a month. He (boyfriend) is in an open marriage, we met him and his wife in our church study group if you can believe that! We hit things off well and they told us about their open marriage and I found it very interesting. I grew up with a strong religious faith in the household and this sort of thing was never discussed. We would stay after our church group meetings and discuss our relationships over a glass of wine or three. It came out eventually that my husband sometimes experiences issues with ED and he is self conscious about it. Boyfriend jokingly said, well I can help with that! We all laughed but that is when my energy shifted to allow this crazy idea into my head.

It was a slippery slope from there and eventually the two of us went out for drinks alone with the consent of our spouses. We quickly learned that we had a spark of sexual energies and decided to approach my husband about taking things a step further. He was reluctant at first but his objections were not religious, they were fearful and he was anxious about being replaced. I assured him that it wasn’t like that and I completely dropped the subject. Lo and behold a few days later my husband brought it up and said that he wanted to try but did not want to be there.

Now to our current situation and I am sorry for this question being so long, I’m almost there. We don’t have a set schedule but I ring the boyfriend up when I am feeling a certain way that can only be fed by the alpha dominance that he can provide. It amounts to about once or twice a month but sometimes more depending on how much stress I have in my life. Stress shuts down my sex drive completely so we have some dry spells when life is complex.

During my boyfriend’s visits, my husband is usually in the kitchen making dinner or watching television in the family room. When my boyfriend leaves, my husband is pleasant but you can tell he has anxiety and second guesses the entire situation. Only natural of course. I know that he needs and deserves some aftercare so I will lie down with him and give him verbal affirmations of my love for him. I’ll even give him some physical attention but rarely sexual. Several nights ago he asked me to go down on him I told him that I’d go down on him but only if he goes down on me. He looked into my eyes and without words being said, gave me the best oral sex I think I’ve ever had. I found my eyes rolling back into my head and I knew it was due to the wonderful lovemaking I enjoyed with my boyfriend followed by this pleasureful tongue of my loving husband. What it meant more to me is the acceptance of my situation with my boyfriend and this relaxed me. This gave me a sense of peace and calm in an area that has been a source of concern since I know what we are doing is wrong in the eyes of my faith. When he went down on me, it felt like he was telling me in the most comforting of ways that he accepts me and he accepts this as our lifestyle. It tells me that I am on a pedestal and that our marriage is indispensable to him. I nearly passed out from the orgasm that followed and finally I get to my question. I haven’t seen much talk about reclaiming after experiences but reclaiming is one of the most powerful forms of acceptance that I’ve come to experience since we married. My husband reclaiming me on that particular day was unquestionably more pleasurable than the lovemaking with my boyfriend. I want to share and ask you and your readers about reclaiming and what it means to them.

Anonymous Man Evolver

Hi Anonymous Man Evolver! This is a wonderful story and it mirrors experiences and thoughts I’ve had. That acceptance and affirmation is comforting, heartwarming and removes guilt and relationship anxiety completely. I too agree that reclaiming is important because it shows both partners true acceptance and a deep love. It should be stated that reclaiming and reconnecting are very different. Reclaiming is a typically sexual act which is done to take back the sexual energy while reconnecting as a mostly emotional experience of the couple coming back together and finding their strength. That is not to say that reconnecting is not physical, in my relationship it typically is.

In the hotwife or cuckold world, the female loans herself to another for the purpose of her sexual satisfaction. Note that it should be very clear that the man is not loaning the woman, she is not his property. She is loaning her sexuality to another man with the understanding and consent of her husband. While this may seem like a small detail, it is an important distinction to make.

Reclaiming consists of the male being sexual with the female to bring the focus of sexual energy back to the primary couple. Now this is purely psychological and the female was never truly owned by another while she was away. In fact, I find myself thinking of Kev often while I am playing with others, it is only natural for my mind to drift. The concept of reclaiming is interesting and I’d argue not necessary for all couples depending on the dynamic and level of comparability with the situation. New couples should absolutely practice reclaiming as it reasserts the male’s claim and will be a wonderful way to reduce anxieties surrounding a new sexual dynamic.


More seasoned couples may still wish to reclaim however it might seem less and less important as time goes on. This is in contrast to reconnecting and aftercare which are far more important. It is interesting that reclaiming in your message was oral. Reclaiming is typically vanilla sex, missionary position and just a simple reminder of the primary bond. It may be oral in your situation due to the presence of ED but I think him placing his mouth where your lover’s parts had been is a beautiful affirmation of acceptance. Reclaiming shows that things between the couple remain constant and unchanged despite whatever happened and will bring much confidence back to even the most questioning of partners. Reclaiming isn’t just for the man, it is wonderful for the wife as well. While she may have been satisfied by another, allowing an additional sexual experience from her husband will bring security and affirmation of love from her primary partner. Reclaiming for some couples may be the only way allow both partners to fully enjoy their cuckold/hotwife type experiences.

For scenarios where an ejaculation happened inside of her, the proximity of the male to the other man’s seed may be deeply arousing. For other men, they may choose to wear a condom to prevent fluid contact. Others may choose to do oral sex in this sort of situation to clean the woman up prior to penetrative sex. Regardless of method, reclaiming should be about reclaiming intimacy and shifting emotional energy and not about reclaiming you as an object that is passed from one man to another. You are of course not an object to be passed around but a beautiful human full of desires and feelings.


Reclaiming and aftercare for some couples may be as important as the rules they establish with the sexual experience. The fact that you stated your husband’s reclaiming was more pleasurable than the experience with your boyfriend is especially poignant. While it might not be the case every time, this is a strong reminder of just how big of a part of sex is emotional. Don’t forget your emotional needs everybody!


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I enjoyed the Q&A and this is another interesting piece. My curiosity has been hungering for another blog. Sometimes bouts of insomnia pay off.

I have always had difficulty with the word “reclaiming” in any CNM scenario and continued to do so until the end of your response. I loathe the idea of another person having dominion over anothers body or mind. I like the term “reclaiming”, when combined with the couple’s intimacy and sexual energy. Thinking in those terms allows me to see the beauty in those acts and their role to aid in aftercare and reconnection of the couple.


I took that meaning by the end and see the value and the need.

Trophy Husband

Hope we all agree the “Reclaiming” is her reclaiming her dominance of over him. A creampie clean up has to be the pinnacle of her Reclamation.

Trophy Husband

Thank you Emma for your reply

I don’t feel like I’m reclaiming her in my FLR. My wife is reclaiming her dominance over me after she’s been with her Bull or a dominant male. She has just loaned her body to another man. She desires to return to me and show me the evidence by feel, smell and taste that she has chosen to give her body to another man. She’s reclaiming or reminding me of her dominance in the relationship. Its about getting her back into Alpha after being submissive. Just my experience.


I like their arrangement for meeting at home. My role as the husband is to be a gracious host. My guest is here to bring pleasure and joy to my beloved. Welcoming, friendly and aware when my presence would be a distraction. Once he has departed, she should have no worries; the dishes are done and the husband is ready to take his turn at making it her night.

In another forum I have described the first time I performed oral on my wife right after sex with our visitor. She was standing ready to shower. I dropped to my knees and licked her from behind. The urge to do this was primal and compulsive. I’ve come to realize this a demonstration of love, lust driven, that reaffirms my devotion to her. Re-connect is a more fitting term.


We have an adult son at home and therefore cannot host. We have had times when I was present, but never in our home. We have discussed this, and look forward to being empty nesters soon, lol
My wife has come to expect me to perform oral on her afterwards. To her, it is an act of submission and love rolled into one, by me. At first, I was squeamish, but now it’s just part of what we love about reconnecting time and I love it


Our time after she has been on a play date is amazing. I personally want to hear every detail, and we have, together, figured out what works for us to make the reconnection time better for us. The sex is generally the most intense we have ever had. The passion between us is extremely high. Recently, we incorporated me being part of her getting ready to go on her date and this also was a huge turn on, not just for me, but her as well…which led to a very intense reclaiming experience. I do think the term, reclaiming comes more from a hotwife perspective than cuckold….where in the husband is more dominant and sees the act as his wife is more property that he chooses to share. Cuckold is an exact opposite of that and is definitely a Female dominant act. The term does not bother either of us, however. She has used it herself on occasion, sometimes as a way to get me even more turned on and wanting her “back” even more than usual after her times with others. I think that once my wife understood that my kink was cuckold (as well as me accepting that it was MY kink) she began to believe that I needed the reclaiming time and wanted to know what made me tick for that to be a better experience; which in turn, allows her to enjoy the lifestyle much more now. It also has helped her understand her role as the dominant sexual partner and is blossoming as such. Win/win for us as a couple.

What do you think? Please leave a comment.x