Interpersonal relationships are complex and many of us will agree that marriage is an outdated construct. That doesn’t have to mean that partnering with another individual with the intention of having a fulfilling and enduring love must also be outdated. Partnerships can work and couples create their own rules to set their relationship up for success. I think most of us would consider ourselves emotionally monogamous people but even in the best emotional relationship we often yearn for more. We can squash those feelings down and suppress them or we can embrace them. If we squash them down, they will fester and those repressed feelings will come out in other ways such as resentment or anger toward our partner. The reality is that women as a whole are told that they are the standard of sexuality but not allowed to do anything with it. We simply cannot and should not accept this as reality or as a cultural norm.
Human males have evolved over time to have and prefer multiple sex partners; short term hookups to better spread their seed. Women on the other hand search for emotional security in a partner while still exploring short term hookups with sexually virile mates once they have that “safe harbor” emotional connection with a partner. The safe harbor partner fulfills a need of protection especially during pregnancy and post child birth. Subconsciously we divide men in our lives into two groups, those who will be the emotional partner/safe harbor and those who will be the short term hookups. Those roles can change with different partners and as we age but we see potential suitors in those two roles and it vastly changes the attributes we look in a mate. Kindness, amiability and intelligence? You are likely in the emotional connection group. Cocky and arrogant, you might be the latter? You may not have trouble finding short term hookups but might struggle with long term committed relationships.
Newness, or novelty, plays an enormous role in female arousal. The excitement and unpredictability of being with a new partner can increase sexual interest and excitement. Arousal and desire are complex and can be influenced by many factors, including emotional and psychological connection, physical attraction, and individual experiences and preferences. Every woman is different so the impact of newness on female arousal can vary greatly from one woman to the next. Ultimately, what is most important is that women feel comfortable, safe, and respected in their sexual experiences.
Women are attracted to novel mates, or mates who are new and different from their current partners. This idea is sometimes referred to as “mate switching.” Some research suggests that women may be more likely to seek out new partners when they are in the fertile phase of their menstrual cycle, when hormonal changes may influence their preferences for novel partners. As a evolutionary benefit related to reproduction, the female body seeks out new mates to fulfill her reproductive needs. Of course with birth control and contraception we prevent this but capitalizing on those most fertile periods with new exciting sexual adventures is key to the fulfillment and enjoyment of sexual novelty.
However, it is important to note that sexual preferences and behavior are complex and can be influenced by a wide range of individual, cultural, and societal factors. Additionally, what is considered “novel” can vary greatly from person to person. Not all women may crave mate novelty, and many may be perfectly satisfied with long-term, committed relationships. Some women way shift in mate/mating preference from one season in their life to another. Women in their early 40’s especially those who have not yet borne children often feel a resurgence in sexual energy as their body reminds them that their biological clock is ticking. This is of course subconscious and completely separate from the desire to have a child.
As women we often see problems our sex life being indicators of problems in the relationship but many times those problems in the sex life are just that. We lack new and creative sexual fulfillment. We’ve found that new sexual experiences often enhance the relationship. Common therapist wisdom says that if you fix the relationship the sex will follow but what if sex was the underpinnings of the problem in the first place. When I am sexually unfulfilled, I bring components of that deficiency back into our relationship as criticism and resentment toward my husband. It is then difficult for me to pinpoint my frustration from the laundry not being done or the bed that isn’t made to unmet yearnings in my nether regions.
Our sex lives are never static, we evolve as humans and the expectation that our sexual needs will remain the same through life is naive. As your hormonal profile changes so do your sexual needs. Throughout life your testosterone, estradiol, thyroid hormones, cortisol, insulin, and many others will alternate. This will be in response to stressors in your life, exercise or simply the aging process.
The role of sex in a marriage
The first role of sex is for affirmation, an acknowledgement of the bond between two people. This may be an affirmation of a woman’s love for her husband. Affirmatory sex is essential for a marriage as it provides a reminder that the husband is important and an absolutely essential part of the wife’s emotional needs. This also benefits communication with a deeper level of emotional connection that can boost willingness to communicate openly and intimately. A sexual connection also subconsciously reminds the man to provide resources to support the woman, this can be time, or even money and gifts. While an emotional sexual bond will not be the lust filled passions of a novel intimate partner, it will be familiar, comfortable and even routine which doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Sex in support of an emotional bond is like keeping gas in the tank or air in the tires, you won’t be speeding around the race track but it will get you to work and back.
While my husband wants more frequent sex, I need more from sex. Sexual variety does far more for me than sexual consistency. While statements like “you are not enough” or “I deserve more” may seem very hurtful, it doesn’t need to be so. The conversation isn’t about him being any less than someone else; it is about him as and emotional rock and my safe harbor. It isn’t just sexual variety; it is also newness. Women are more prone to neophilia (fancy word for desiring erotic newness) than men. Neophilia refers to a psychological trait characterized by a strong attraction to novelty, new experiences, and change. This trait is thought to be related to exploration and openness to new ideas and experiences. In terms of sexual behavior, neophilia can manifest as a preference for novel sexual partners or experiences. Newness and novelty-seeking is a trait that keeps you healthy and happy and fosters personality growth as you age. Seeking more of the same when it isn’t producing offspring is counter productive in terms of your body’s subconscious drive to procreate. Having your safe harbor and multiple side-mates is the natural order of things. Many women such as myself feel a greater sense of ease, heightened level of arousal and relaxation in sexual situations with new partners. It is of course essential for women to communicate their boundaries and desires in any sexual encounter, and to be with partners who respect and prioritize their comfort and well-being. Women’s sexual comfort should always be a priority in any sexual situation.
Safe harbor husbands, don’t fret. The moment that you become absent or she is not getting her feelings of safety and security, she will shift to repairing or replacing the emotional partnership. The emotional partnership is a must to unlock the ability to enjoy the short term erotic couplings. For women, emotional safety can involve feeling respected and valued in their sexual experiences, and having control over the pace and nature of those experiences. A comfortable sexual environment with you can help women feel more relaxed and open to new experiences, and can lead to greater enjoyment and satisfaction outside of her relationship with you.
In the comments below @she-lights-me-up pointed out that while his wife is able to compartmentalize other partners, he is not. Sexual excitement is a core emotion and core emotions are programmed into us for survival purposes. Many men attach that core emotion to a partner and find themselves falling in love or catching feelings for their partner. Women are inherently better at having emotionless sex when they have a partner that is fulfilling their emotional needs. In our society, men are not “allowed” to be tender and needy and men frequently attach these feelings of tenderness to sex and this is often the only time that these men feel comfortable being truly vulnerable. Women are more likely to experience sexual regret after a hookup however men are more likely to catch feelings because of the vulnerability they allow themselves to experience with their partner. Gender is not a true differentiator however and many women “catch feelings” just as easily as men do. Before going down the non-monogamy road, consider that feelings and emotional connections should be reserved for your emotional partner. If you seek an emotional connection elsewhere you might be venturing down the road of polyamory and that is a topic for another day.
Monogamy, or the practice of being sexually and emotionally committed to one partner, can offer several benefits to women. These benefits may include:
- Emotional security: A committed and monogamous relationship can provide emotional stability and security for women, allowing them to build a strong and intimate connection with their partner.
- Physical safety: Monogamy can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy, as long as both partners are tested and practice safe sex.
- Trust and communication: Monogamous relationships often involve open and honest communication, which can deepen trust and intimacy between partners.
- Predictability and stability: Having a long-term, committed relationship can provide a sense of predictability and stability, allowing women to build a sense of security and trust in their relationship.
Polyandry is a form of polygamy in which one woman has multiple husbands. While it is a rare form of marriage, it can offer several benefits in certain societies, including:
- Resource management: In societies where resources are scarce, polyandry can help reduce competition between men and ensure that resources are shared more equitably.
- Population control: By limiting the number of offspring, polyandry can help control population growth in communities where resources are limited.
- Shared responsibilities: In polyandrous marriages, multiple husbands can help share the responsibilities of caring for children and household duties, reducing the burden on one individual.
- Stronger bonds between families: Polyandry can help build stronger bonds between families, as husbands may share a close relationship and work together to support their common wife and children.
- Sexual liberation and exploration: Engaging in sexual relationships with multiple partners can provide opportunities for sexual exploration and liberation, and can help women discover their own desires and preferences.
- Improved self-esteem: Engaging in sexual relationships can boost self-esteem and confidence, especially if the experiences are positive and fulfilling.
- Enhanced pleasure: Some women may find that sexual experiences with multiple partners can increase their sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
- Women should have agency and control over their own sexual experiences.
In the most formal definition, polyandry is a cultural practice that is specific to certain regions and societies, and may not be appropriate or acceptable in other contexts. Engaging in sexual relationships with multiple partners can also pose risks, such as unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Women should prioritize their own comfort, safety, and well-being in any sexual encounter, and engage in safe sex practices to reduce the risks associated.
Society tells us a lie that women are naturally more monogamous. Women are supposed to be perfectly happy and comfortable with one person for their entire partnered life. Anything short of lifelong partnership is frowned upon. Left unable to explore their sexuality, women shut dow and decide they are not interested in sex. The message society is sending women is that women are not allowed to be as interested in sex as men. Women are struggling with monogamy just like everybody else but the difference for women is that they are not allowed to talk about or explore their sexuality. It’s not that women don’t have desire, they have little to no desire for this lovely person to whom they’re currently married or partnered with. They do desire have a burning desire for sexual connection and attractive men but they aren’t allowed to even admit that to themselves. If women were provided more space to explore and acknowledge their sexuality, they too might be really happy to have sex with this person who they’ve chosen a monogamous life with.
The fact that this relationship dynamic does not permit him to date is not only limiting, it can also be humiliating, shameful and degrading if you allow it to take on that meaning. In our relationship we do allow it to take on this meaning. Sexual degradation can be incredibly arousing however I am quick to provide aftercare and ensure that he knows he is my life. Humiliation touches on strong emotional buttons especially when it is fetishized or sexualized. This creates a roller coaster of emotions that cannot be matched by physical pain. In fact, it isn’t too far removed from the erotic sexual denial that he sometimes associates with wearing his cage. Erotic humiliation is one of the absolute strongest fetishes. If you would like to explore more, I recommend the book Enough to Make You Blush by Princess Kali a former dominatrix. She goes into erotic humiliation, communication, negotiation, consent, triggers, aftercare and more – I highly recommend it. It should also be noted that erotic humiliation is often a learned fetish. If the male is permitted arousal or ejaculation while experiencing humiliation, it doesn’t take long to create a conditioned association between arousal and humiliation.
It Isn’t Fair
One sided open relationships such as cuckold or hotwife relationships are by their very definition humiliating and equate to fairness at face value. We often forget that sex is far more more complex than a tit for tat that we’ve come to accept in our society. This isn’t Hammurabi’s Code (an eye for an eye) since the energy of sexuality bleeds into all things. Men, if you cannot escape the trap of fairness then this will not be for you. If you are able to enjoy compersion by watching your wife excitedly getting ready for her date then you might want to keep reading. Finding joy in emotionally preparing her for her date with compliments and a supportive hug as you send her on her way. Even enjoying the cuckold angst as you sit at home and wait and wonder about how she is doing. The psychology is somewhere between a supportive parent and an admiring lover. In our case, Kev is a wonderfully supportive partner that is constantly checking in on me and my needs. I should be clear that his needs do not go unmet. After every experience whether he is present or not, we reconnect and we discuss the things that I enjoyed or the things that we enjoyed together. This re-connection allows even a physically separate sexual experience to become an emotionally partnered and shared experience.
Let’s take a deep dive into fairness. I mean, what is fairness, really? In our relationship we don’t look at fairness as the eye for an eye example above. Fairness is a relationship where we both feel emotionally connected, lovingly fulfilled and sexually satisfied. We’ve opted for a very direct and analytical approach to what those specific feelings look like in our context. Doesn’t that mean he should also date? If his sexual needs are based upon emotional connection, physical validation and frequency, there is really no need for him to date others. In fact, dating others requires the removal of resources that are important to female satisfaction. In our case that is time, attention and communication. I greatly value the attention that he places on me and that is one of the key tenets of our loving relationship. He is a wonderful emotional lover and his undivided attention is key to me understanding that.
Boundaries and communication
Fully monogamous relationships can be limiting, restrictive, or overly possessive. Monogamy has the potential to stifle personal growth, freedom, or individualism and can lead to feelings of boredom, resentment, or jealousy. If you are in a monogamous relationship it is normal to feel restricted or even unfulfilled and it may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your needs. Communication and mutual understanding are key components of any healthy relationship so be sure to give of yourself openly and freely.
We are both very clear on the standard rules of marriage and you need to be very clear on any changes to those rules to help with feelings of betrayal, jealousy and anger. Will those feelings still show up? You can bet on it! Having a clear set of rules will allow the two of you to come back and reference them to make sure that you are staying within the guardrails that the two of you set.
This sort of relationship is an extension of the female led relationship centered on her sexual needs realization of her energies and fulfillment. Keep reading this site for more information on the various types of female led relationships. Questions or comments? Please engage below!
I have no interest in trying to explain how anything you have said here is wrong. Because it isn’t wrong. It’s for you and for you it is right! It is to be supported and celebrated. Perhaps even envied. As anyone can only do, I can only explain my feelings as if Ms. K. and I were in your same shoes. Of course, we are all different people, and as such have different feelings about things.
My interest in ethical non-monogamy rose a couple of years ago for reasons I cannot explain. I needed to know my beautiful wife’s take on the whole thing. Miss K. and I have discussed it. Not at great length, but we’ve discussed it. I wanted to be sure that she didn’t have any latent desire to fuck other men but would hesitate for fear of how it would feel to me.
Not too many years, my feelings were NO FUCKING WAY. I’ve said here before that as a result of my training and evolution (see what I did there) over our no 13 years of WLM, I’ve been able to soften my stance on it a bit.
For whatever it may be worth, and after discussion with my Mistress, I’ve come to conclude that I could very easily handle and support if Ms. K. were to use another man (or woman) as if he (or she) was nothing much more than a human sex toy. Just like her dildos or vibrator. No “dating”. No romance. No beginning and then nurturing of a romantic, emotional, or psychological relationship. All of those things are something I would not be willing to share, even a little bit.
After enough thorough discussions, Mistress K.’s feelings are the same as mine. The only exception being having a human sex toy lover would be possible, albeit not very likely. We both acknowledge that our feelings could change, but for now, that’s where it stands. For her, there is one very important reason for how she feels about it. There is simply no coming back from it once you have gone there. You cannot un-ring that bell. She knows all too well that what starts as something very carefully communicated, and with very well-intended safeguards in place, can easily grow into something that can no longer be controlled.
Emma, of course you know there is no judgment from me/us on how you and Kevin live your wonderful lives together, but somehow it just makes me feel better to remind you of the respect I have for you and the way you conduct yourself. For that, I am very grateful.
Please stand by this tenet and never change. It is not worth ringing a bell that cannot be un-rung if you both do not absolutely want to do it. While you envy parts of my relationship with Kev I absolutely envy parts of your relationship with Mistress K!Thank you for sharing your views, Mistress K’s views and for being a part of this wonderful little community. I’d love if everyone who reads this comment would please take one moment to thumbs-up subhubphx’s post to show how much we love and appreciate him. Please?
Love reading your posts Emma.
Thank you for including us in your journey.
Thank you for reading about our journey!
Every relationship is different and there is no shame in you and your husband having one that is outside social norms. Saying that I do feel there is an element of disingenuousness on your part in articles you write about halfway open marriage.
“Doesn’t that mean he should also date? If his sexual needs are based upon emotional connection, physical validation and frequency, there is really no need for him to date others”
I cannot speak for your husband, but he would be the first and only man that I have ever heard of that does not appreciate and lust after sexual variety, the same as you. So again, it’s fine If you are both happy, putting your needs and wants above his. I feel like it is only fair that you state that explicitly in your article. I firmly believe that Kevin would love you to help him get dressed layout a nice shirt for him to wear and give him a hug on the way out the door to go have sex with a women he finds attractive and then come home share the experience with you. Why doesn’t he? Because he knows that’s not what you want. It’s obvious that he loves you and that your relationship means more to him than enjoying the sexual freedom you have but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it and that he’s not repressing his desires, the same as you state that you shouldn’t have to.
I know that i am allowed to play outside of my marriage as well as her. We do love the cuckold scene, but its not the way we actually live. I do not play outside the marriage as much as her but it’s there, should i desire it. I personally think, that keeps the jealousy in check on my part
I can see that many men would want this however Kev has made it abundently clear that he values our connection above all else and not only wants me to be happy but he wants to put our connection on a pedestal. I’ve asked this question directly several times and he does not want variety, he wants me only. Everyone is different. My guy lusts after me and hearing about me experiencing sexuality in every wonderful form that it takes on. If Kev ever said that he wanted to explore different types of sexuality I would of course hear him out and we would figure out how to incorporate it into our lives.
Emma and Paul, based on my own experience as a cuckold husband, I believe you can both be right. My wife’s taking lovers was the end result of a long journey into FLR. Some years before we reconfigured our marriage as “wife led”, I floated the idea of experimenting with swinging. I thought that sexual variety for both of us would spice up our marriage. My wife firmly opposed the idea. She thought that my motivation was selfish, that I was offering her the freedom to have sex with other men because I wanted to have sex with other women, and she felt threatened by that. I respected her feelings about that, so we never got into a two-sided open marriage.
Jump ahead a few years, when we were into the wife led phase of our marriage. She wore the pants, and I became like an old style submissive housewife in a gender reversed patriarchy. We were no longer equal partners. Before FLR, we used to argue about what was “fair”. What was my “fair share” of the housework? What was fair when we disagreed on the use and allocation of our financial resources? What did fairness in the bedroom require, whenever our sexual desires were out of sync? One bone of contention (excuse the pun) was that she always loved to receive oral sex but hated to give it. When I told her that was “unfair”, she said, “Fine, if you feel that way, you don’t have to go down on me anymore.” I didn’t stop, of course, because I wanted to go down on her, although I resented that she never reciprocated.
Once we began an FLR, however, there were no more arguments because if she was the boss, she didn’t have to be fair. She expected me to obey her, even if her decisions weren’t fair, and she became more and more unfair as our FLR progressed. So, for example, she eventually made me do almost all the housework and cooking. In the bedroom, her desires came first, and she was able to enjoy one-sided oral sex without guilt. Then a strange thing happened. We discovered that “unfairness” was a huge turn-on. Going down on her, knowing that she would never return the favour, still seemed unfair, but in the context of a formal FLR, the unfairness thrilled me. A win-lose became a win-win.
Embracing the thrill of unfairness eventually led to my being cuckolded. When I revealed to my wife that I had begun to fantasize about her having sex with other men, she confessed that she had long fantasized about doing that herself. As it turned out, she had felt tempted when I floated the idea of open marriage previous to FLR. She desired sexual variety herself, but she felt insecure about allowing me to have extramarital sex. But the realization that unfairness was part of the thrill of FLR for me, meant that she could have sex with other men while demanding that I be sexually faithful to her. Was there still a part of me that desired sexual variety? Yes, of course. But the “unfairness” of being denied a freedom given to her was thrilling. In fact, had my wife given me permission to have sex with other women, for the sake of fairness, I would have felt disappointed. I didn’t want to be free. I wanted to feel that she owned me in a way that I didn’t own her. That didn’t take away my natural desire for sexual variety. But renouncing that desire is more erotically enriching for me than “fairness” and reciprocity could ever be. I don’t know, but maybe Kevin’s feelings about it are similar to mine.
Well said and I can definitely get that while my wife and I have much more have a switch dynamic I think the unfairness is something we both find very erotic when subbing for the other. The fact that we always know it comes back around is what makes it work for us, but I could definitely see how someone could just continue to stay high on the unfairness in sub space.
everyone is different and from everything I’ve read hear you guys do communicate openly. So as long as the conversation has been had then I am probably just writing from my own bias.
@Emma. This is beautiful. I love what you have between you and Kev. We are in the same boat. My wife need more with physical variety and we discussed opening up the marriage for both of us but my wife pointed out that while she is able to compartmentalize easily, I am more of a romantic and if I had another relationship with a woman, I would probably fall In love and it wouldn’t be a good idea.
I have to agree with her 100% and while it has been a little difficult to except the uneven exchange; (my ego is hurt). In all honesty I love how much more fulfilled she seems on the inside every time she goes to other men. I don’t even know when she goes but she has this extra skip in her being and she has a cerebral calmness that I’ve never experienced from her before. I’m grateful that she does what she needs to get her needs met and bring the benefits back to me.
I actually love this very much. I am going to add something to the blog about compartmentalizing because this statement is completely true for us as well. Thank you so much for contributing.
Thank you @Emma for the kind reply. I feel the need to add that it’s not like I am making some kind of sacrifice. In fact Im getting exactly what I want.
When the wife goes and receives her dose of dominance from these alpha men, she becomes sexually fulfilled and grounded into her femminine heart center.
They provide something for her that i clearly can not do for her. It’s just facts. I’m grateful for them and I’m grateful to her that She then generously shares her total heartfelt being with me. and I get to feel her aliveness! It’s pure bliss .
I’ve truly enjoyed your journey into the half open marriage. You have done your homework and are contributing to the on-line literature what this kind of relationship entails.
As the old song states, “one thing leads to another.” FLR is one entry point into cuckoldry, but not the only.
What makes this fun. scaring, and exciting is this is female centered, but we tend to think the male partner is somehow left behind. If done right, it’s a win for her, her lovers, and adoring husband. If these are the kind of roles you might want to try, enjoy the journey and the evolution in your lives.
My wife and I found this blog very interesting especially erotic humiliation. In recent months, I’ve found that I am highly aroused when she uses erotic humiliation especially of the not good enough variety that you mentioned. In fact, I find myself having trouble getting aroused unless she is actively humiliating me. Do you see a problem with humiliation becoming a core sexual arousal in a marriage?
This explains things beautifully, even if it doesn’t describe my relationship exactly.
While my lovely Wife Karin and I consider our relationship to be open on both sides, She actually has a lot of control over my side of things. I have to ask for Her permission to be with another woman, but She is free to explore Her sexuality outside of our relationship in any way She desires, as often as She desires, with anyone She desires.
We don’t “keep score” in any way, and Her going out on a date absolutely does not mean I get a “freebie” with another woman. I honestly wouldn’t want a “tit-for-tat” scenario. That’s not love, at least not for us. It might sound “fair” or “even” to some, but it wouldn’t be fulfilling for either of us.
Karin’s fulfillment, emotionally and sexually, always comes first. Her fulfillment is my joy.
Ms. Wow just came across this blog, good stuff, hope to have more time to read more this weekend, but a quick comment, my personal feeling is that generally speaking Women are sexually and socially superior to men, and cuckolding is therefore quite natural.
Ms, fully read one of Your articles and all makes a lot of sense!
I wonder how much the changing of the seasons affects a woman’s desire for newness. You hear women talk about summer flings and short term relationships during warmer months. Maybe the fall and winter seasons are for nurturing a secure partnership during the time of the year when you want to cuddle, stay warm, and enjoy family time, then warmer parts of the year bring the rush of sexual release which needs to be fulfilled? It does seem like women have the ability to compartmentalize and set a beginning and end date to these kind of things.