Can you imagine walking into a relationship counselor for couples counseling. Let me set the scene; a strip-mall office, some counseling degrees hanging on the wall, fake ficus trees, fragrant odor of a glade plug in air freshener, leather couch. You get the idea. Now imagine that you and your partner walk into the office, the counselor beckons you to sit on the couch at the far side of the room while she sits across from the both of you. You both air your grievances, the counselor nods in agreement several times as you both explain your woes. You both look in agreement as you expect the counselor to spout some words of wisdom that will undoubtedly clear up years of resentment and sexual frustration. You both move to the edge of the couch, eagerly waiting for the kernel of knowledge and wisdom that will offer clarity and prevent an imminent breakup or divorce. She wheels her chair back to her desk, reaches down and picks up two nondescript bags. She hands one to you and one to your partner. The one for you, the female is larger and somewhat unwieldy. The one for your male partner is smaller and you can hear a metallic clacking noise. You open your bag to see a strap-on harness and he opens his to find a metal chastity cage. You both look at each other in confusion and then at the counselor. The counselor pulls a third item from her desk, a microphone. She stands up, drops the microphone and says “we are done here, give your insurance to the receptionist”.
Imagine that couple is you and your partner and the utterly unqualified and incompetent counselor is me. I listen to your woes and offer something that despite being thousands of years old is not sanctioned as a relationship management tool of any kind. Am I a quack doctor? Nope. I am not a doctor at all. I am someone that you met on the internet that gives information and offers a unique perspective on how to manage a modern relationship.
I have about a hundred partially written blog post drafts and seldom choose one of them for my daily posting. Some of them are simply titles while others are nearly completed. My mind wandered and I started to think about what topics I select to post on this blog. If I am wondering, I am sure a few of you are too.
I write about topics that I think will make people’s lives and relationships better. I see friends fighting with their significant others and often times don’t feel that I am able to step in. This is partially due to my methods existing on the fringe of what is deemed to be normal. Today I decided to step back and look at what I’ve posted over the last couple of years. The site started as a WordPress blog in March of 2018 and moved to it’s very own domain in February of 2019. This is thanks in part to all of your involvement and willingness to discuss intimate details about your lives. If I was simply sharing my journey, it would be pretty boring. Each of you bring a unique perspective to the site and I am grateful.
The often select the title of a blog before I start writing it and find the content of the blog veering off in some unintended direction. Welcome to the depths of my mind. The question today, is why do I write about orgasm control, pegging, gender roles, sexuality and relationship balance?
These topics fascinate me and they are generally ignored by everything that is mainstream. They exist on the fringe of what is considered acceptable by today’s standards. Let’s look at each one individually.
This topic has existed for thousands of years and exists in many forms. There is a reddit group called NoFap that is dedicated exclusively to the elimination of male PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm). The group has found a hidden gem, a cheat code of sorts for the male mind. They have identified the same elixir that I peddle but they use it in a different context.
NoFap™ is a community-centered sexual health platform, designed to help you overcome porn addiction, porn overuse, or compulsive sexual behavior. We’re here to help you quit or reduce porn use, improve your relationships, and reach your sexual health goals. We’re science-based, secular, and sex-positive.NoFap.com
The challenge for men is that they are wired to seek orgasm. NoFap is the exact opposite of how they are wired. The constant onslaught of sexualization in our society is so incredibly successful because of how men are wired. Women aren’t immune but female masturbation carries far fewer negative side effects due to the way we are wired.
Controlling your orgasms has enormous list of positive side effects. Orgasm control as a partnered experience creates a gamified that directly enhances your relationship quality.
Pegging & Gender Roles
Think about the 1950s and 1960s for a moment with the imposed gender roles of the housewife and working husband. For those of you old enough, think of television shows that represent the 1950s era such as Leave it to Beaver, The Andy Griffith Show and The Brady Bunch. These shows reinforced a dynamic of the man going to work and providing for his family while the woman stayed at home cooking, cleaning and socializing.
In my opinion, pegging takes the entire 1960s culture and flips it on its backside. I’ve said it elsewhere on this blog but pegging is 90% psychological and 10% physical. From the moment that I strap a toy on, I feel different. The act is wonderful and shows an intimate side of men that they are told is wrong. Society’s adage that a man shouldn’t be in touch with his feelings is inherently wrong. We are all humans and emotions are a part of our human condition. In an instant, pegging opens those floodgates of emotion. This physical act is so incredibly sensual that it necessitates the expression of feelings and opens doors of communication that years of counseling struggle to do.
Sexuality & Relationship Balance
We are all motivated by many things. Human motivation is an incredible thing to learn about. One of the things most influential to our motivation is hormones. Hormonal levels can push you in all sorts of directions and make you euphoric, depressed or any combination of emotions. There are articles about using hormones to succeed at work or stories about women having strange food cravings while feeling “hormonal”. Tapping in to your hormonal balance is a cheat code to allow you to attain a symbiotic relationship with your partner that is devoid of sexual balance issues. Acknowledge your hormonal cycle during your period and acknowledge his hormonal cycle during and between orgasms. Seek understanding with each other and constantly learn about this human condition that we all share.
That’s my self introspective. What do you think?
So you’re not a counsellor in the sense of someone who has taken an examination in a particular subject, but don’t all degrees rely heavily on practical research, extensive reading and discussion with fellow ‘students’? And as we’re all ‘students’ in the subject of chastity and orgasm control, the insights that you have espoused, and have absorbed from others, would certainly meet the criteria of being very well informed, if not an expert.
You have talked a lot recently about pegging and how that changes the dynamic between partners, especially in heterosexual couples as the ‘traditional’ norms of the little woman stays at home while the man hunter gathers is challenged and in fact changed for some.
What we haven’t spoken much about here is teaching your man about the different types of orgasm that we can experience. What I have found is that in the past we have engaged in penetrative sex and some oral, maybe some fingering to bring me to orgasm, but to some degree that has been a by product of his own enjoyment.
By locking his penis in a cage it has enabled him to start to understand the many and varied ways I can cum and also that no two orgasms are the same. Of course his orgasm is really only achieved in one way and there is little variance, so the concept that my orgasms could be multifaceted is difficult for most men to comprehend. The intensity, feeling and depth all are variable and what he did last time won’t necessarily have the same effect the next. One of the stumbling blocks in helping to educate him is trying to describe how it feels for me and thus help him to understand. Old cliches such as ‘it’s like a wave’ or ‘it starts from the top and works it’s way down’ mean little to him as he has no point of reference with his own orgasm.
However when the possibility of him having an orgasm is removed it is surprising how hard he tries to understand!
Wanted to make a quick comment on your statement.
“Of course his orgasm is really only achieved in one way and there is little variance, so the concept that my orgasms could be multifaceted is difficult for most men to comprehend.”
Many men have little to no education around sex and their orgasm, or their abilities, and the drop most men experience after orgasm pretty much puts a stop to any exploration by all but the most adventures.
Like women, men ‘can’ have a very wide verity of orgasms, some with ejaculation, some without.
I mention this not because I think men should have orgasms, they shouldn’t ( messes up hormone balances ), but because the male body / brain is capable of multifaceted orgasms, they are therefor perfectly capable of understanding it in a woman. They perhaps more than you know, are capable of exploring with and serving their part in providing multifaceted orgasms to you. Bottom line. If your partner is not getting it, give him a kick. He’s perfectly capable of it. 🙂
“Am I a quack doctor? Nope. I am not a doctor at all. I am someone that you met on the internet that gives information and offers a unique perspective on how to manage a modern relationship.”
We meet lots of people on the internet. How do we know when we have met someone that intrigues us or captures our interest enough to want to stay interested, follow and stay connected with? I suppose that it is has a lot to do with compatibility which begins with people that are like-minded. After the initial thrill/desire to stay tuned/connected abates, continued content is all that is left. If that content stimulates further interest … naturally continued connection ensues for the reader. The things that intrigue the reader about the author/guests/members vary of course, some healthy and helpful and stimulate the brain, some unhealthy, naughty, guilty pleasures that also stimulate the brain, but in an arguably unhealthy way. Depends on the author, the content and level of intellectual discourse. At least that is how it works for me.
We’re all different and the things that stimulate our brains is also different. Your site is different than many others in that it does not rely solely on small bites of base visual or mental titillation. In other words, it is not porn-fueled. Rather it is interesting, logic/science based, intellectual, fun/funny and inspires the mind of the reader to think and better understand things they may have never considered before and as such attracts, like minded people. Regular, smart, lovely people. It’s not wank fodder. It’s mind fodder.
For those of us that happily live with the benefits discussed in your wonderful little community, enhancing a couple’s relationship through the basic notion of her controlling his sexual activities and orgasms, we get it, and like you hope to spread the word. We’re all different in our own relationships, and everyone seems to understand and support the concept of “it works for us”, but the underlying principles are similar if not the same. A desire to learn more about how to enhance one’s relationship with their partner.
Thanks for writing what you write. Keep doing what you are doing and your desire to see the “good word” spread becomes more and more realized, even though you may never be able to gauge it.
Thank You for explaining Your reasons, because it is exactly what i was expecting. i do appreciate Your style, calm, secure, selfconfident, never agressive nor pretencious. Do not change ! Everything is perfect, i would say… Kevin is lucky to be Your partner and i am sure he knows it 🙂
i am a french former dominant male, and as You noticed… English isent my native language, i am sorry. Anyhow… i can easily read You because Your words and sentences are nicely wroten, and most of the writers in the forum do so too. Please do excuse my faults in case there are…
After my divorce, i was into a bdsm 7/7 24/24 with a french lawyer dominant Woman, and was trained to be what my partner wanted to… she never caged me, but twice i was severely cropped for cheating and this never happen again.. 🙁
Later, i was lucky to marry a wondederful arabic Woman two years ago (second marriage for both of us) and we live in France a happy and calm life.
My Wife is a Queen, like Cleopatra… i feel like Cesar at Her royal feet, smile. She defines herself as Dominant but also as a caring Wife to me. She has been thanking my preceeding partner for educating me… i love Her very deep.
Nota : i have been knowing about Your blog threw a french domina blog (jedominemonmari = dominating my husband) and now i started reading it last year… i can read no other one than Yours…
Go on like that, i like it very much !
Your blog does a great job at explaining gender roles and expanding on the idea of what 50/50 means. Sometimes what is fair or 50/50 is that both genders have the chance at an unbalanced dynamic. I found myself in this position not to long ago. Up until this year I had been working in healthcare (as the only male on the unit). In healthcare often women have more work placed on them relative to who is on a unit as a patient. Many women only want a woman working with them. The place where I worked had a specific budget for raises/bonuses. One day we were all discussing pay rates and I brought up that I shouldn’t be receiving raises or have a pay rate higher than them or even at the same level given the nature of the industry. They all agreed and one day the H.R manager (who is a woman) was on the unit discussing things with people and one of my female coworkers brought up what I had said. So the H.R. manager asked me if that is what I had said to them and I told her yes. She smirked and said, “Okay, I’m going to keep that in mind.” From then on she gave raises to my female colleagues and not to me which was fair. She even hired younger, less experienced female employees at a higher pay rate than me as well. Society tells us that everything needs to be 50/50 but 50/50 in this scenario was actually not being fair. An unbalanced dynamic is what was fair and that required a change in how we view gender roles in the workplace.
You write because? Having a great relationship that is female centered. Where the male’s primary purpose is her happiness. Is the relationship dynamic most women desire. The genders are so different. You are educating your female audience what is possible.
sadly, FLR and kink or even semen retention are not socially acceptable and rare.