My husband said that he wants to share me, what do I do? This is a question I get pretty frequently and although it may seem alarming, it almost always comes from a good place. The question itself is becoming more and more common and is almost always initiated by the man. Before we get down to the actual question, let’s do some research together.
Sperm Competition Theory
The sperm competition theory is the theory that sperm inseminated into a female are competing amongst each other as well as sperm which were inseminated by another male. We are essentially saying that women have evolved to have multiple partners inseminate her. As a culture and through religious ideals, we’ve decided that monogamy is the cultural norm for us. Research shows that women’s libidos flatline when they are in a long-term relationship but the same doesn’t happen for men.
There is an entire subreddit dedicated to deadbedrooms which is a support group for people who are lacking in sexual intimacy. This is certainly a mix of both sexually dissatisfied men and women but the majority are male. Men and women get married for many reasons including security, stability, child rearing and sex is certainly one of the reasons. Few go into a marriage with the expectation of not having sex so when things change, partners often question why things changed. Resentment, infidelity, porn, financial reasons; the list of things that can pull a couple apart are endless.
The idea of taking another partner goes against much of what women are taught as we are growing up and random hookups go against much of what we actually need sexually. Men are typically fine with no strings attached sex but women need some emotional attachment to enjoy it. Because of the fact that our bodies can bear children, our minds require a level of emotional attachment for arousal to occur. The emotional attachment is the challenge for us, not getting you into bed. On the flip side, the challenge for men is getting us into bed. We are wired differently and that is ok.
How can we cope with a dwindling libido especially when the love for our partner grows stronger with each passing day? Our ability to show love in a physical sense can taper off after time. Many men make the incorrect assumption that the butterflies of newness women feel are the same as love and they are very wrong. I can love my boyfriend but feel intense butterflies about someone else. Have you ever sat at a bar, flirting with someone new and felt intense chemistry? That chemistry is your body telling you that you might be sexually compatible with someone.
When you’ve been married to someone for half a century, you don’t need your body to tell you that you are compatible with that person. You stop flirting with each other and those feelings go away and that is ok. Getting those butterflies back is something many couples desperately try and force but it isn’t happening. Those butterflies are a chemical reaction and it is impossible to bring newness back to a relationship. You can rekindle your relationship and you can take wonderful adventures but trying to create newness is an exercise in futility. You aren’t new anymore. Deal with it.
If you can’t create newness with a man that you love and trust unquestionably, how can you feel these butterflies with someone that you met ten minutes ago? Your body is wired to seek out new partners and new experiences. Did you know that your body is actually wired to push the long term mate away? The mood swings around your period actually have evolutionary roots. PMS is designed to dissolve couples that might be infertile or incapable of producing offspring by pushing the unsuitable mate away to allow her to hook up with other more fertile mates. Ok so now I know that my body is trying to sabotage my relationship by taking my newness and then push him away with the powers of PMS. Thanks for that, body.
It’s Not About You
Ok thanks for the science lesson but what does this all have to do with my husband wanting to share me? Hold your horses, I was getting there. For many relationships, sexual or perceived sexual satisfaction is the number one sign of a healthy relationship to men. If it feels like you are dissatisfied sexually, he feels like he has failed as a mate. Men feel like it is their job to ensure your safety, security and sexual satisfaction. That’s a ton of S words, I promise I didn’t plan it that way. The point is that men will do their best to satisfy you with toys, their mouth and suggesting things to spice up the relationship. Subconsciously, that is what they are trying to do when your guy comes to you with exciting fetishes like chastity, pegging or one of the millions of other fetishes.
Make it About You
So you begrudgingly try locking his penis in a cage, maybe you peg him a time or two to try and satiate his need. You aren’t into it but you give it the old college try because you care about him. You love him. What he really wants is for you to feel those butterflies again. What if trying one of those fetishes is exactly what you need to feel those butterflies again? I know that chastity for me gave me a man who was chivalrous, emotionally available and hell he actually flirts with me when he is locked up. Pegging was the same thing for us, I feel strong, empowered and incredible when I strap on that rubber dong. Those things are great but another man? Are we sure that this is a good idea?
Society absolutely frowns upon women that take another lover. An adulterous man is almost an accepted occurrence. A woman who takes another lover is shunned as a whore and a slut. Step outside of society’s dumb double standard and assume that only you and your husband would know. What would taking another guy do for your self esteem? Assuming you’ve communicated your concerns, what are the risks?
What are his REAL motives?
One of the first things that comes to mind is the assumption that he is doing this because he wants to justify an open relationship. He is only suggesting this because he wants another woman. We always go back to that “I am not good enough” mentality. If I do this, he will hold this over my head later. If this is a concern in your relationship, set this one straight right away. You may be surprised that he is simply wanting you to experience more and experience a deeper sexual connection. Women after very sensual beings and most of us thrive on attention and constant validation validation of our self worth. Consider for a moment that his real motives may be your happiness and sexual satisfaction.
Let’s say you meet a guy at a bar or club and flirt innocently, you don’t exchange numbers or other contact information. This is relatively innocent and you will feel the endorphin rush of flirting. It stops there, mission accomplished. You will probably take that endorphin rush home and have some pretty wild sex with your partner regardless of whether or not you tell him about your flirting experience. Your body got a dose of that newness and it liked the way it felt.
Imagine that the flirting scenario happened but your partner was with you. You were flirting with this guy and your partner was either with you or watching you from a safe distance. You really liked flirting with that guy, your partner could see the glimmer in your eye so you decide to exchange numbers and talk to your partner about it.
You talk to your partner and decide that you want to invite your new friend over. The three of you have a few drinks at your place and eventually go to the bedroom, together. The two men share you and excitedly focus their attention on you and your body. Still relatively safe. You and your partner are on the same page and he was an active participant. You took things beyond flirting and you took things as far as you felt comfortable in the bedroom. Cool!
Same scenario as before except you invite the new friend over and your husband doesn’t go to the bedroom with you. He stays in the main room as you go off to the room with your new friend. He might also go to the room with you but watch rather than participating. In either case you get what your body has been craving, newness. This can be an intensely hot make out session or you can take things all the way, whatever you and your partner feel comfortable with.
It Happened Now What?
This part is important. You satiate his insecurities and COMMUNICATE openly about the experience. Start by thanking your partner for sharing you, thank him for being confident enough in your relationship to allow you to try something like this. What did you like about it? What did you dislike about it? Did he smell nice? Did he have a nice penis? How about his abs, his chest? How did he feel when you squeezed him, when you touched him? Talk to your partner and enjoy the conversation together. He will see the glow in your eye as you rehash the experience. For this to be successful, he needs to open up completely as well. It is very likely that something about the experience made him insecure and require your reassurance. While you may boast about the experience, remind him that it was a physical treat and nothing like the intimacy that you share together.
Allow Him To Reclaim You
This sounds stupid but after sharing you, he may feel more distant. Pull close to him and be affectionate. He may feel the need to cuddle, lay with his head on your lap or otherwise accept a nurturing role from you. If you are up to it, allow him to go down on you or massage your legs or feet. This is about him realizing that you value, love and respect him. This is physical reassurance.
How Does it Feel?
The first time for me, it felt weird. When I entered a relationship, my mind totally shut off to the advances of other men. I would avoid situations that might encourage other men. It took time and introspection before my mind would open up to allow me to look for signs of guys taking interest in me. It took even longer before I felt confident enough to reciprocate by sending signs back his way. The experience of feeling sexually desired by a new man without any guilt cannot be explained. As I grew more comfortable, it became like having my cake and eating it too.
Is This a Healthy Relationship
If two consenting adults do something that makes them grow together then I don’t think anyone could argue that it isn’t healthy for the two of them. Make sure that you are on the same page, always. If one of you shuts down, hurt feelings are inevitable. Setting aside time without the distraction of tv or phones is essential to make sure that you are both level setting together. If at the end of your conversation, you determine that everything is great then the relationship is healthy. If you don’t see eye to eye on something, discuss it and then discuss it again until you feel good about it and about each other.