Ask Emma Cuckolding

Ask Emma: Can Cuckolding Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

Hi Emma,

My husband and I are new to cuckolding and we truly find enjoyment in the fantasy but I think it may cause some anxiety in his mind with size and performance problems. We read stories together and I also tease him about size and other cuckold fetish play. Other men to me are just sex toys and he is my deep emotional connection and bonded partner. He wants me to go all the way and take our fantasy to the next level but I fear that it might heighten his performance problems. He assures me that it will not but I am not so sure. Should we take things to the next level and realize this fantasy as reality?

Talia


Hi Talia!

Initially I leaned toward PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) which may play a part but I don’t think it is the full answer. Cuckolding involves deriving pleasure from witnessing one’s partner receive sexual stimulation by another person. There are links between cuckolding, anxiety and erectile dysfunction. Let’s start by considering some of the benefits of taking your cuckoldry to the next level.

Psychological Pros of Cuckolding

Cuckoldry can be an enlivening approach to kinks and intimacy. For example, those who struggle to satisfy their partner sexually due to a medical condition may find that cuckoldry presents an opportunity for both parties to experience pleasure. 

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It also provides people with an opportunity to broaden their sexual horizons and explore ways of being that flout restrictive ideas about fidelity and relationships. When practiced consensually, cuckoldry can be enjoyable, empowering and exciting for all parties. However, there are also some possible downsides that should be considered.

Consider what makes cuckolding exciting for consenting adults who enjoy this kink. For starters: cuckolding is counter-cultural, challenging societal norms of monogamy. It is transgressive, and there is a lot of taboo surrounding this practice and that may expose a person to stigma.

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In addition, cuckoldry can trigger or exacerbate fears of sexual inadequacy. Many find themselves wondering: what if my partner comes to prefer another over myself? What if this leads my partner to become unfaithful? What if cuckoldry makes them rethink the relationship after experiencing a different or better perceived form of sexual satisfaction?

These fears are common. They make the practice of cuckoldry both risky and potentially thrilling. From a psychological perspective, this anxiety about inadequacy may manifest in the form of erectile problems. This happens when neural signals between the brain and genitals are interrupted, making it difficult or impossible to achieve or maintain an erection.

What Can You Do?

Erectile issues are often treatable. There are various approaches that can be explored, some of which are discussed below.

Medical Consultation

Erectile problems always warrant a medical consultation, as they can potentially be caused by underlying cardiac problems. If your erectile dysfunction has only started following experimentation with cuckoldry, though, it is likely that the cause is psychological rather than medical.

Your doctor may suggest certain medications, including Viagra or Cialis. While these medications can provide symptom relief, it is important to note that medications do not empower you to understand and address the underlying causes of your anxiety.  If everything worked fine prior to your cuckold journey then it is unlikely that this is a medical cause. The more likely culprit is mental and anxiety. If there are underlying erectile issues, your foray into cuckoldum may exacerbate symptoms so Viagra or Cialis might help even if just as a placebo.

Mindfulness

One popular approach for managing anxiety-induced erectile dysfunction involves mindfulness. Mindfulness involves training the brain to become more aware and accepting of the present moment.

Mindfulness is a form of meditation, which can be practiced through a guided recording, a class or with the assistance of a psychologist. Often, mindfulness-based techniques are incorporated into psychotherapy.

For example, practitioners who use Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) or Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction integrate mindfulness with traditional psychological therapy. It can help people who struggle with anxiety-induced erectile dysfunction in two ways. First, mindfulness helps regulate the nervous system in a way that makes anxiety less likely to occur.

Second, mindfulness helps one to tolerate discomfort generally; and specifically in relation to feelings of inadequacy. When we are able to acknowledge and accept these feelings, we are better equipped to understand their source and find sustainable ways of moving forward.

Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychodynamic therapy helps a person to change by helping them to understand the influence of their past experiences on their current difficulties. This approach to therapy also helps clients to understand unconscious processes that maintain their problems.

If you are practicing cuckoldry and find that erectile dysfunction is negatively affecting your well-being, psychodynamic therapy can help you to understand the unconsciousness triggers and vulnerabilities that underlie your symptoms. This is a great approach for those seeking to improve their sex lives while also increasing personal insight and resilience.

Research suggests that cucks and cuckqueans may, at times, be seeking to unconsciously manage earlier experiences of relational betrayal by exercising agency in relation to sex. People who have experienced this sort of relational trauma early in life may be at risk of other psychiatric conditions, including depression, anxiety, addiction and personality disorders. In such cases, a psychologist may use an eclectic approach (which combines psychodynamic and mindfulness-based approaches) to treat multiple conditions.

Takeaway

For consenting adults, cuckoldry can represent an exciting and fulfilling, but also potentially anxiety-provoking way of relating. For some people, though, cuckoldry can spike anxiety in a way that triggers erectile issues. Those with pre-existing anxiety or sexual disorders may be at greater risk. Fortunately, erectile issues often respond well to treatment through medical, psychological or mindfulness-based approaches. Should you take your cuckold fantasy to the next level? I can’t answer that for you but if you choose to give it a whirl, there may be some temporary adverse side effects. Communicating about those feelings and exploring these new feelings honestly and openly together will no doubt minimize any long term erectile dysfunction concerns. I would recommend taking things slow and role playing. Slowly stroke him and talk to him about an erotic fantasy describing how much better another lover felt. Feel the intensity of his erection as you go through your fantasy. After the quasi-cuckold experience discuss how he felt and understand the emotions of jealousy, inadequacy and compersion as he experienced them. Listen for red flags and if you feel like you are ready for next steps, try a oral or handjob cuckold experience as your first foray into cuckdom. I have plenty of additional reading on this site if you decide to give it a go. Just remember that your communication is tantamount. He needs to understand that other men are mere playthings while he is your emotional rock that allows you to experience others with him as your emotional safety net. None of this would be possible without him and his evolved manliness.

The enthusiastic cuck is the most evolved of partners.

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lbp6855

It seems like the issue with him might be an inability to trust. He knows that he can trust her but has such a block somewhere from fully trusting her. Digging deep and allowing him to be vulnerable with her about his true fears might make all of the difference. A cuckolding dynamic might work great for them as long as she keeps him 100% involved and is honest. No trying to spare his feelings by withholding the truth, if the man she is with is beautiful and amazing in bed then be honest with him but also let him know how she could never be living her best life without her amazing life partner and that he is the best thing that could have ever happened in her life.

nevertoolate

Depends upon the individual male. Much has been written and researched about cuckolded men responding positively to the “competition” of another man causing higher sperm counts and more vigorous thrusting during intercourse with his partner (when it is his turn). It ties into a bunch of sociobiology research that hints at our male ancestors were more comfortable taking turns with females. “Sex at Dawn being one of many books in the last 15 years or so approaching this taboo. How can you not like a title “Insatiable Women?”
 
So, why did I still feel jealous and have anxiety when my wife had relations with other men? Aren’t I just a bonobo’s kissing cousin? I think it has to do with the type of male I am. I’m trying not to use Alpha and Beta labels because I have found those to be too generalized.
 
Early on I was the kind of boyfriend that was “all in.” I always fell deeply in love and tried my best to be a pleaser. Casual sex was there, but it never felt as good and a being loving and devoted. I fought immature possessiveness until my early to mid twenties. Intellectually, I was all for women to be as sexually adventurous as possible. Emotionally, I had to channel my possessive energy centered around loss, into sexual energy centered around lust. I love the lust she feels, I love and lust her more because of it.
For me then, when I advise people (men) that wish to try this I would say you need to be old enough and experienced enough to let go of that possessiveness. For the typical couple this arrives in the late twenties to mid thirties. It seems to require the marriage or relationship to have 5-10 years so that all the mysteries have waned and the “eyes are starting to wander.”
 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, women seem to be more flexible with multiple partners as long as it doesn’t create social problems for themselves or others. Men’s capacity for sex peaks at age 20 or so. Women are marching forward to age 30 for their peak. By age 30, they need more and their male partner may provide less. This growing gap is an opportunity for something else.
Back to me. How to resolve those gut feelings? Some men say without some feelings of anxiety they would not enjoy their cuckold roles. In a perfect world it would all be pure compersion. I think that hint of anxiety is a good thing because it keeps us pleasers on our toes. Life is not one size fits all especially with marriages and long term relationships. Therefore, even more so with relationships that breaks society’s norms.

What makes swinging or cuckolding relationship work are the same things that bring them the most satisfaction and pleasure; communication, honesty, and sharing of experiences.

williamportor

The short answer is: “No” Cuckolding will not cause erectile dysfunction. As a man begins to accept his wife or G/F having sex with other men, he also accepts that level of dominance she exercises in their relationship and becomes even more accepting of her wishes – including that of only seeking sexual pleasure when (or if) she allows it. Repeated cuckolding will become an accepted pattern, much like repeated periods locked in a chastity cage. Much like pegging, corporal punishment, tease and denial, cuckolding of a caged male is simply a normal part of a female led relationship.

HappyCuckold

I don’t think there is one simple answer to this question that applies to all men. CAN cuckolding lead to or exacerbate erectile dysfunction? Based on my own experience, I would say yes. But I don’t think that is an inevitable consequence for all men.

I believe one needs to distinguish between a hot wife dynamic and a cuckold dynamic. Structurally, the two things appear identical: in both cases, the wife is empowered to have extramarital sex, while the husband’s erotic focus is entirely on the wife. But for the husbands there is an entirely separate psychological dynamic. In a hot wife scenario, the husband is neither humiliated nor emasculated. He is turned on by the phenomenon of sperm competition, so his wife’s involvement with other men may actually improve his erections and empower him to have great penetrative sex with his very “hot” wife. By contrast, in a cuckolding scenario, the husband feels humiliated and emasculated, and he consents to that because he gets a masochistic thrill from those feelings. Unlike the husband in the hot wife scenario, the cuckold is generally submissive to his wife, and being sexually humiliated by her deepens his feelings of submission.

I am a cuckold, and I have thought a lot about why that turns me on. I have concluded that I was drawn to cuckolding because it eroticized prior feelings of insecurity about my masculinity. I have always been obsessed with penis size because I worried that maybe I didn’t measure up. For that reason, I sometimes had issues with erectile dysfunction before my wife began cuckolding me. After my wife began cuckolding me, we also began playing with small penis humiliation. After a tryst with her lover, my wife would tease me about not being as big and hard as her lover, and the best orgasms of my life came from being teased that way while she gave me a hand job. I began to notice that my erectile dysfunction was getting worse. Fortunately, one doesn’t need to have a full erection to have good orgasms. I know that my worsening erectile dysfunction was at least partially psychological in origin because I could get a decent erection when I was by myself, but on the increasingly rare occasions when my wife granted me permission to penetrate her, my erection would wilt. My wife would tease me gently about that too, which turned me on even more. Eventually, we stopped having penetrative sex altogether, and I felt relieved when my wife said she preferred having non-penetrative sex with me, while reserving that privilege for her lover, who was better at it than I ever had been. I theorize that cuckolding worsened my erectile dysfunction because my subconscious was collaborating in my emasculation by sabotaging my ability to have penetrative sex. That’s my own experience. I don’t know how well it applies to anyone else.

attisC

Thorough article and answer in every respect. I am happy about the primacy of women’s aspects and the understanding attention given to men.

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