We all know that negative reinforcement doesn’t work and chastity cages are not meant as a punishment; at least not the way that I recommend using them. You can choose to see it as taking his sexual freedom away or you can opt to see it as liberating him from a negative sexual feedback loop. Choosing to help him escape the cycle of toxic masculinity.
Remember that our emotions come from our thoughts and choosing to frame something one way will give an entirely different result than choosing to see things as they were intended. Flipping your marriage to a relationship of service and commitment instead of demand and obligation is a wonderful way to remove resentment from your interactions. Love is a daily decision and the way you treat the woman in your life is a choice that must be made on a daily basis. Nobody is forcing you to stay in your relationship/marriage and you are free to leave at any time. If you choose to take a journey of love with the woman in your life, consider these ten ideas to help flip the perspective of your marriage.
1) Say Good Morning
Start every day by reminding her that you are making a conscious decision to love her. Tell her good morning, tell her that you love her. If you are locked, thank her for supporting your sexual needs. If you are unlocked, remind her of your dedication to your relationship by asking if she would like you to lock it for her. The less mental work she must to do constantly remind herself about the situation with your boy parts, the better. Make yourself emotionally accessible and easy to love.
2) Tell Her When You Masturbate
Can you imagine going for months and thinking that your significant other is masturbating a couple times a month only to find out that he is masturbating on a daily basis? When you take matters into your own hands, share it with her and be honest if she asks questions. She may want to know what you thought about when you got off. She may want to know how often you masturbate. Make your self-love an honest topic that you can communicate openly about. There is little question that a man that masturbates is taking sexual energy away from the relationship and washing it down the drain.
3) Talk About Sex
I know, sex is a taboo topic in our culture but in the context of your relationship it should never be. When you have sex of any kind, talk about it. If he wasn’t as hard as normal, discuss it. Talk about possible reasons including distraction, tiredness or perhaps diet & exercise. Rate your love making on a scale of one to ten and honestly chat about what each of you can do better to best satisfy your partner. If talking about sex seems awkward or challenging, consider talking about sex while in an intimate setting. The dock and talk approach is one such method that is extremely effective.
4) Other People
Accept that you cannot be all things to your wife or girlfriend as she cannot be all things to you. Consider that she may fantasize about other men as you fantasize about other women. Do your fantasies about the breasts of the swimsuit model mean that you love your wife less? Of course they don’t! Her fantasies about a man with washboard abs, a swimmers build or perhaps a guy who is packing a little extra down there don’t mean anything either. Openly discuss what turns you on and the physical traits that really get you excited. Take conversations about others from a realm of taboo to a realm of fascination and fantasy. Enjoy your best lives with each other. If you choose to act on any of those fantasies to make them a reality, discuss it openly and determine what you will gain together. Bringing a third into your relationship can be a wonderful way to experience feelings of compersion and excitement as you watch your spouse enjoy a fantasy.
5) Locking It Up
Consider your sexuality and the limited amount of sexual energy that you have as a man. At times, it may seem like you have a stronger sex drive than she does. This is frequently due to the lack of sexual energy that you spend making her feel safe, accepted and heard within the context of a loving relationship. Choosing to lock yourself for her is a loving gift of sacrifice that will allow you both to reap the rewards of connection and romance. The sexual energy that you invested as you were courting her will reappear and even her slightest touch will make you feel intoxicated. The cage redirects your energy and hands your sexual expectations to her in a very literal sense. As you give up your sexual expectations, you transfer that control to her. She feels a greater sense of empowerment and you feel a level of drive and attraction that you felt while you were first pursuing her. Most couples start with chastity as a kinky game that ignites the passion. Many of those couples choose to incorporate a chastity schedule into their relationship and turn it into a lifestyle.
I received a note from an anonymous reader about my use of the term toxic masculinity in the first paragraph. I’d like to be clear that male/masculine attributes are not by definition toxic. Men can be pretty awesome and my use of the term implies those traditionally male characteristics that are negative such as misogyny, homophobia, greed, mansplaining, violence and dominance. Rather than remove the term from this blog, I opted to clarify my usage of the term here. My usage of the term wasn’t intended to be derogatory toward men and it should be acknowledged that women can be equally as toxic. I may do a full blog post about toxic traits in both genders later but for now, this is what ya get! Thanks for reading.
A great idea for a new app. A masturbation app where he puts in the time, thoughts, and location when he masturbates or thinks about doing it. The app can then predict when he will do it and then intervene. Maybe send him articles on credit card interest rates or pictures from his wedding day to pivot his thoughts.
An app that predicts when you will masturbate. Can you imagine if you used that power for evil instead of good? Imagine how much one of the porno sites pay for that kind of technology!
Yes there definitely is the potential for a go getter of a porn site to establish your “boner o’clock” with all the bells, whistles, and sound effects that go with it. Also a great opportunity for women to have a say when it comes to men’s sexual/reproductive health. Sort of evening the scales to make things fair since men have always had a say in theirs. A form of male birth control in many ways.
We do the dock and talk pretty often, I love it and she has come to enjoy it too. Orgasm for her was never that important, she still can if she wants to though.
Most males don’t want to admit how much they masturbate or how much they masturbated before they got married. It is a tough conversation to have for most of us. I think most wives would be shocked, but can also be loving and caring to help their man cut down or eliminate it. I do think the male should always get permission from their wife BEFORE they masturbate, every single time. Never do it without permission.
We started the ask for permission thing a few years ago and I think our whole relationship is better, my wife is happier about it too.
Wearing a lock at least part is a great deterrent to our old habit and gives the wife some assurance nothing is going on while they are not around. There other simple things like not closing bathroom doors. We have clear glass shower door, so no hiding in there either. If she goes to town when I am home, I usually go with her, to keep me honest.
I just want to say that this site has been eye opening. I had briefly been exposed to orgasm control ,briefy, as a kink in a previous relationship. Meh. However, my current fiance brought up the topic fairly early on in our relationship, making clear that it was non-negotiable, later telling this is where she read about it! It was awkward at first and I was a bit frustrated. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t even feel some level of resentment. So I pulled up this site and began to educate myself.
And then I started to notice changes in myself and in how we interacted as a couple. Subtle at first, but then increasinly more apparent. The details don’t matter, but our experience was similar to what others have shared. I’ve never felt more connected, loved and understood in my life and she feels the same way. I can’t believe that what is taught on here isn’t as common as sliced bread. I think if people learned what they could have in their relationship by practicing these principles, divorce would all but cease to exist. I just want to thank you for giving us these tools for happiness. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s empowering to women, and thus conducive to a better world.
I read here: talk about sex!
But I sometimes hear from my wife that I think too much about sex…
Do you have that too?
I must agree that guys can have a one track mind but I think it only becomes a problem when one person isn’t satisfied. If both partners are satisfied they can make silly flirty perverted jokes together. If either or both partners aren’t satisfied then it can be a sore topic.
When I first lock Kev for the week, he can be annoying with his sex comments but I know it is just because he getting used to being locked. I also know that it will wear off in a few hours.
If you have more specifics, post the details in the forum and we can get to the bottom of it.