Communication about sex is essential but most couples simply don’t talk about it. More evolved couples will come up with a game such as turning on a red light in the bedroom when one of the partners wants sex that evening. Why is sex something that we need to hide behind? My mom told me that you must get a man’s physical attention to get his emotional attention and I think she is right. She was more traditional and certainly didn’t mean managing sexual release but as an extension of her wisdom, it has helped me enormously. Thanks, Mom.
If a man doesn’t have his physical needs met or restrained, he focuses on his next release rather than the needs of his woman. The woman on the other hand needs his attention before she is going to want to provide sexual attention to him. It is almost like we are designed to fail. If the woman controls his release with guidelines and routine, she will allow him to relax the portion of his brain that is constantly seeking resolution for his sexual needs. If he knows that she is handling that portion of his needs, he can then relax. Once his mind is relaxed, he can once again focus on HER needs.
When he is retaining, he has a better level of communication due to his hormonal levels, you will get a man who is much more capable of explaining his emotions just like we can. He will also find more resolution through conversation.
When we lead our men, they are no longer forced to read between the lines, they are able to take the guesswork out of situations. He will find your directness refreshing and create a more loving environment for both.
When he is retaining, you have his full awareness! He is aware of your needs, his needs and has a reasonable expectation of when his needs will be met.
One thing that I do when having a conversation is to touch his body somewhere and hold his penis when I can. When I hold his penis, I don’t hold it tightly or even do anything with it. I simply do it as a reassurance and to help keep his focus on me. I got in the habit of this while he was wearing a cage since the additional touch kept his focus on me as a reminder that I control his sexual release. Since we’ve graduated to a more self-managed release, we’ve kept this up. At first, it was probably more distracting than not but after a few times, it ensured that I had his full and complete attention. When we are at home, he is nude 99% of the time so it works quite well. When we are in the car, I typically drive but I can easily reach over and rest my spare hand on his lap. I think this helps him crave emotional conversation since he craves touch. I find him more engaged and willing to communicate at length.
Talk to any sex counselor, marriage counselor or therapist and they will tell you that communication is key to any relationship. By employing a few tools in your relationship, you will find a higher sense of satisfaction in your relationship.
So you indicate Kevin is “nude 99% of the time”. I also assume you are clothed. This is something we do as well (when the temps are warm), but I’m struggling with consistency and practicality. How does it work for you two? Is it a rule made once, and he’s expected to comply with it? Does he work at home (nude, then)? Is he nude regardless of whether you are there or not? And I assume then he sleeps nude?
For me, the challenge is of course the occasional delivery knock (I work at home and my office is beside the front door) and if we go out together, do I wait for a reminder to strip, or simply undress as soon as we arrive home?
Also, since I do work at home, if I am nude when she comes home, should I be expecting (hoping?) for some sort of immediate tease/touch/comment/etc when she arrives and I am nude, per her rule (though I am also caged)? Or is that too much of me assuming her actions are to please me, when my nudity is per her wishes and should be to please her (though I confess to enjoying it myself).
While we had a traditional marriage he did not care much, whether I had an orgasm during a sexual intercourser or not, he masturbated many times by looking at porn and much less having sex with me. When we started FLR, he immediately started to wear CB. My husband became gentle, and focused on my satisfaction.