I received an email from a reader who asked about their husband’s “masturbation” problem. An excerpt of her email is below:
He masturbates daily while I am at work, I know because I ask him and we don’t keep secrets from each other. He willingly tells me about his masturbation and reminded me that we have different libidos. He is correct, I only desire sex about once a week but he wants and he wants sex on a daily basis. He takes forever to cum and sometimes loses his erection during sex and I think it is because of too much porn and masturbation. I do think he is still attracted to me but I don’t know what to do since our needs are so mismatched. I feel guilty, like I am letting him down. I showed him your site and suggested the cage, he laughed and called me insane. He is completely unwilling to try it because he values his daily orgasm more than he values me.
Well, first off. Don’t feel guilty. You have different needs and he has taken matters into his own hands as a way to help make up for the differences between the two of you. Sexual differences are a major reason for breakup divorce so you aren’t alone. Your bodies are different so let’s leave it at that.
Is your current level of desire something new or did you desire him more earlier in the relationship. Our bodies are cruel mistress as female desire wanes as we get comfortable. If the desire was there and is no longer, you may just need to do some things to give yourself a kick start.
Let’s flip things around
So he isn’t willing to try the cage and he isn’t willing to give up his daily orgasms. Let’s look at the problems individually. Problem number one, he masturbates daily and you aren’t a part of the fantasy or the activity. Problem number two, he takes forever to cum and sometimes loses his erection during sex.
Let’s talk about number two first because I see it as the bigger of the two problems. Perhaps not bigger but possibly more impactful to the relationship. Even when he gets what he wants, he isn’t able to be satisfied since he takes forever to cum and/or loses his erection. If he is masturbating to internet porn, he is seeing lots of visual stimuli and clicking through sexual scenarios that you are never going to be able to hope to fulfill. I would say that he is masturbating to the wrong stimuli. He should be masturbating to you.
Take some sexy photos of yourself or better yet, have him take them for you in provocative poses. Perhaps some with eye contact. You can even look at some porn together and come up with some poses that turn him on. Request that he use those photos exclusively for any masturbation for the next 30 days. During this time, he need not reduce his masturbation. The only difference is that you will be the object of his fantasy, as it should be.
When you are alone together in the morning or in the evening and you are reading, watching tv or on your phone request that he masturbate to you. You can continue doing your normal tasks but he will be pleasuring himself to your body. If you want, you can stop your tasks and make eye contact with him, touch him or do anything that helps him cum. Try to do this on a schedule that suits his masturbation habits. If he masturbates daily, give him a few minutes of your body to get his jollies off.
Rather than sit passively while he release his sexual energy, you might consider requesting oral sex while he takes care of himself. It will take some practice but he is certainly capable of going down on you while taking care of himself. With this scenario you will both get some excitement even if you don’t finish before he does.
After a few weeks of making intimacy intentional, one of two things will happen. Either he will grow closer to you and look forward to your time together each day or he will go back to old habits. In either case you know he won’t to stop masturbating, guys aren’t wired that way. Check in with him frequently to see how he is doing and ensure that old habits aren’t coming back.
This should help him cum more quickly as well since he is going to need to look to you (and reality) for the visual stimuli to fuel his arousal. The two of you will also be much more involved in the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Who is Insane?
He really said that you are insane for suggesting my site? That makes me so sad! Not really. I hope with time he will grow closer to you and your feelings to try some sexual things that may help the two of you reach a common ground. If you make some compromises with the sexual attention that he is getting, he may be willing to make some for you. It does sound like the sexual tension is causing some resentment on both sides. As you grow together and he sees acknowledges some progress, you may be able to make some headway.
Earlier I asked if your sexual appetite was higher earlier in the relationship. if so, we might be dealing with a loss of newness in the relationship. Your relationship might benefit from a feeling of newness of going out and feeling some new and exciting feelings. As I am writing this, most businesses in our area are closed due to Covid-19 so that may not be an option but perhaps it is. Your arousal is directly tied to hormones and there’s no better way to jump start hormones than some sexual tension and excitement. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with some innocent flirting. You might just feel some butterflies and bring them home with you. You certainly don’t need to cheat on him do anything regretful behind his back. Keep everything above board and depending on how understanding he is, you might even mention it to him.
Let’s be clear, the conditioned masturbation that I am suggesting is simply to reverse the conditioning that he has done to himself. It sounds like your guy is experiencing symptoms of delayed ejaculation. In a blog that I wrote last year, I discussed some ways to overcome the conditioning that he has cultivated into his body’s ejaculatory response. As I mentioned in that blog, tease frequently and stay sexually open with him.
Unwinding all that he has done to himself won’t be an overnight process but I am confident that the two of you can work together to get things figured out. If he has problems staying hard or reaching orgasm by himself, you might ask him to visit the doctor to get things checked out. It may be something like hormone levels which can be fixed with diet and exercise or with hormone therapy.
This isn’t all about him. I’m about to throw you under the bus as well. Lack of desire is a serious problem and this may be the thing that led him to take things into his own hands. His choice to handle matters by himself rather than addressing them unquestionably made matters worse but it isn’t too late.
Joy From Intimacy
Start taking joy from being intimate with him. Clearly this is becoming a challenging part of your relationship and you’ve started to associate intimacy with problems and inadequacy. Stop that right away. Work with the situation as it sits today and enjoy your intimate times with him. I am sure that he is a smart guy and can certainly observe your body language if you aren’t into it. Make a conscious decision to make time for intimacy together and value that time. If you use your low desire as an excuse for avoidance, it will really be self-compounding just like his decision to masturbate by himself. Be self-aware enough to acknowledge that you are part of the problem and become part of the solution.
Sexual compatibility and intimacy are two of the top reasons for divorce according to a list from survivingdivorce.com. I certainly don’t want to see things go down that road for the two of you. Your husband sounds like he is trying to meet his needs by himself in an unhealthy way. The two of you should work together on a plan to ensure that both of you are able to understand and acknowledge both of your needs. Only then can you work on a plan to meet your needs, together.
You really are a benevolent person Emma. Clearly this poor woman is in a situation that on the surface seems pretty dire and headed for something worse. For whatever it might be worth, I thin your advice is spot on. In the end though, the husband will either be able to focus his sexual energy on her … or he won’t, and if he can’t/won’t, well ….. I do hope that she and her husband are able to recognize the wisdom of your words here, and throughout his blog.
This scenario was the exact scenario my Wife and I wanted to avoid for our time together once the kids grew up and left the house. I wanted very much to be constantly aroused by her, the thought of her and the knowledge that I was lucky enough to be in her life, in her presence, in her bed and under her dominant yet loving control. Knock on wood …. it seems to be working exceedingly well. Our youngest is 17, and boy are we excited for him to be off to college nest year.
For us, her complete and utter control of every aspect of my sexual activity has be the essential ingredient to our happiness thus far. I am not allowed often to orgasm or even ejaculate when we have sex, but our sex life has never been better. Nearly every time we have sex now, Mistress K. has as many orgasms as she desires, and I am blessed with the continued constant state of desire for her that I follows. I didn’t use to masturbate every day, but it was often enough that it absolutely affected our sex life in a negative way. Many times, the desire, attention and love for my wife would simply be washed down the drain in the morning when I took my shower. Since corralling that behavior, we are enjoying and living our best lives as a couple.
Amen. Someone who gets it!
Women get the bad rap for having crazy hormones and hormonal times of the month but men are just as bad. Rather than being grouchy and irritable they are distant and disconnected. While female hormones are more difficult to control, male hormones can be controlled and guided to bring joy and closeness to the relationship. Cheers to you and your wife.
Thank you Emma.
Emma, what an amazing post. First off I’d want to encourage the woman in question not to give up or be too discouraged. She is in a position to help herself, her husband and their relationship immensely. This husband doesn’t know how lucky he is that his wife is reading this blog or how much she could help him/them. Emma your advice is so interesting. Is there any evidence or at least anecdotes that a man masturbating to pictures of his wife will bring them closer and increase his desire for her. It makes some sense of course. Since they as a couple are at least honest about this activity I wonder whether it may be useful for this woman to condition his masturbation on some devotional activities, foot massage or back rubs. And then she could insist that he masturbate only immediately after such activity, perhaps in front of her (or not). Inserting herself into his dynamic may possibly give her some purchase where she feels she has none.
A married man who is masturbating daily is likely a husband who doesn’t know he needs help. I know from experience which sadly I’ve not overcome (I don’t think I can get more than 3-4 days under my belt). His behavior (as is mine) is that of an addict. It is easy for this man to engage in a chicken and egg rationalization. He says that he masturbates because he has more desire than his wife, that she can’t or won’t meet his needs but it’s just as likely that his wife’s desire just isn’t inflamed by her always spent lovers irritable and dismissive demeanor. From his standpoint it may be difficult to shower with affection and adoration someone that he imagines is rejecting him 6 out of 7 days. From his flawed perspective to do so may feel like an act of self abnegation, after all she won’t meet “my need” why should I give her the attention to meet hers. She should know (and he should know) that the deal he has struck is for 7 miserable orgasms/ejaculations that probably hardly register on the Richter scale that in exchange for which I imagine is a deep feeling of inadequacy or failure as a man. All men or most men will masturbate and few to none want to be masturbators. There is talk of separating male orgasm and ejaculation which is hard for me (a wanker) to follow. There is talk of the ruined orgasm and of the reprogramming of male pleasure centers away from the penile shaft and glans. Whatever is possible or desirable, kinky or just fun in this regard, one thing seems certain; a man who is regularly masturbating is disassociating the pleasure of orgasm from being desired. To say the obvious wanting an orgasm, being able to give oneself that orgasm, imaging a porn scene as a means of delivering that wanted orgasm has nothing at all to do with being desired. In fact solo masturbation is antithetical to being desired because of course it eliminates the perspective of the person who might do the desiring. Just as I think women do men want and need to be desired. I’d say many more men than women don’t know this. We are wrapped up in received ideas of wanting to be obeyed, deferred to, respected, admired, feared. To acknowledge the powerful need to be desired is to concede to or to acknowledge something threateningly feminine, effeminate and certainly contrary to what should be a man’s essence. And so received cultural ideas of masculinity are perhaps bolstered by activities (masturbation) that separate our pleasure from the need to be desired.
Solo masturbation is a rut that is very difficult to get out of, and especially difficult to get out of on one’s own. I hope that through your blog Emma, this woman finds some strength and confidence to improve her relationship and help her husband. Perhaps one day, whether caged or uncaged he will thank her.
Very well written. Thanks!
Very well said! “All men or most men will masturbate and few to none want to be masturbators”, I think this is true and males just need a little help to overcome the habit.
What I have learned is, men masturbate for two reasons, they are really horny or it is out of habit. The habit part is what you have to get control of. If you are really horny, you need sex or masturbation. But most males do it out of habit.
We implemented a rule that has worked wonders, no masturbating without your spouse, period. If they are not in the mood or can’t for some reason, you can do it with them, in front of them etc. But never alone.
Your article is spot on but you missed one thing, Selfishness.
Her Husband is being extremely selfish. He is only worried and concerned about his pleasure and his needs.
He does not seem to care about his wife’s feelings and how his masterbation is making her feel.
I am an old fashioned type of Man. I was brought up to believe a Man takes care of his Wife and Family FIRST. That includes their emotional needs and well-being. He should be more concerned about her than himself.
He is not acting like a Man, he is behaving like a spoiled Child. His wants and needs are coming first, consequences be damned.
It also sounds like he is addicted to the endorphin rush of his daily Orgasm and will not stop because he does not see, nor does he want to see that his masterbation is a problem.
If anyone would benefit from Chastity, it’s this Child.
Selfishness is a great point. I was trying to keep this as a positive spin so she doesn’t point fingers at him and spin them deeper down a self-perpetuating cycle together. I agree that he is being selfish but the mismatched needs is a bit of a cop-out as well.
Even if he is “the problem”, she needs to meet him halfway with a solution. In my opinion, that should be chastity however it doesn’t sound like he would be open to that solution. My hope is once he sees that she is making a genuine effort, he will be open to some other ideas.
It’s true that all relationships take effort on both sides. Your reader is clearly making that effort, which is evident through the fact that she has taken many actions. She has been honest with herself about how her husband’s masturbation makes her feel. She has done research and fortunately has found this site. She has also taken the difficult step of confronting her husband about the problem. It’s surprising that so many people in long term relationships don’t actually talk about the relationship so this in itself is very positive.
I do hope that her husband can realize the damage that masturbation is causing. I have been practicing chastity for nearly a year and it has made a big change in my marriage. My wife had been aware of my habit but never confronted me about it. I don’t think she really saw it as “damaging” but she would sometimes refer to it in jest, guessing that I had played with myself any time I had the house to myself. (She was often correct.) She didn’t really like the idea of me taking matters into my own hand as often as I did.
Over time, I started to see these comments as negative. I also noticed that I had become more critical of my wife in many ways, often speaking unkindly to her.
For us, the change came when we took a short holiday without the kids last year. Having more opportunity for sex during the trip was one of the things we were both looking forward to. Not knowing anything about chastity, I told my wife I was planning to “save myself” for the trip and not have any orgasms until we went. I made good on this promise.
For her part, my wife also built up the anticipation, previewing some of the sexy new underwear that she had bought for the trip. “Not until the trip, babe.” This teasing, in combination with my retention, really stoked my fire. I found myself thinking about her constantly and eagerly wanting to please her. Every time I received a text, I hoped that it would be from her. As so many chaste men describe, it felt like it did when we were dating, over 20 years ago. I had the butterflies.
The trip was an incredibly fun and intimate time for us and I think it will always be a touchstone in our relationship. My wife is not my “key holder” as there is no cage involved. I am on the honour system and she checks in with me often to make sure I am being honest. She keeps up the teasing and is quite generous about providing me with orgasms, almost always after she has been satisfied. All this to say, chastity has given us new energy to our sex life but it also takes work on both sides.
I would strongly encourage your reader to think of something like a getaway (difficult as that may be during the pandemic). Maybe the promise of a sex weekend would offer the husband some encouragement to try being “hands off” at least for a few days. He might enjoy the anticipation more than he expects.
As far as I am concerned, and for what it is worth, I strongly believe that masturbation should be totally forbidden to any male companion when in this type of relationship. I can’t see any upside allowing the male to masturbate and near (let alone reach) sexual pleasure. He has to be kept in a state of permanent desire and frustration and serve his Owner ( and whoever She wants) without any limitations.
I agree with much of what you said but differ when it comes to usage of the word owner. I do think that the female is able to read his current state much better than he is able to. If he gives that control to her, they will both be much happier.
Hi Emma – In one of your other posts you said that for a man who is married or in a long-term relationship masturbating is cheating. My experience has taught me that this is really true. My sex life with my wife got 1000% better after I stopped masturbating and focused all my energy on her. We’ve been together for ten years and she is still the woman I fantasize about all the time!
I don’t know that I outwardly said that masturbation is cheating, my intention was to leave it for the reader to decide. Although now that I think of it, maybe I did.
In any case, redirecting that sexual energy toward your wife has profound impact on the level of closeness that you will experience together. Do you use a device or is this something that you handle on your own? Have you tried using a device, if even for a short time?
i agree, and i think it would be a great service that everybody is clear that it is cheating.
Great recommendation. i’d just add to make sure this is treated as a problem. i used to do it, and it is key to face it as a big deal; otherwise, the habit will stay and never go away. All the other recommendations would definitely help with the motivation to not do it. But in the end, the husband needs to understand he is being selfish, he is cheating and his masturbation doesn’t really help anybody.
It’s also really important that the Wife doesn’t think it’s related to Her. It’s not her fault at all.
I was masturbating to porn on a daily basis. I did not realize the negative effect it was having on my marriage. My wife confronted me one day after finding the porn I left on the computer. Her view was that I was cheating by getting off to other women. Once I came to grips with my problem, things improved significantly. She now controls my orgasms and I only ejaculate for her. I have had a few slip ups but she is understanding and gets me back on the right track.